Be Here Now: A Cedar Creek Novel

by Julia Goda

  I frowned in confusion.

  Then it came to me. I was such an idiot. Cal made me come into the bar this morning not because he was upset I had stood him up and wanted payback, but because he wanted to check on me, make sure I was okay. And inviting me over for dinner tonight was more of the same: surrounding me with family and love on the day that he knew would be hard for me. They were probably all in on it.

  My face got soft with that realization and I had to swallow my tears for the third time this morning.

  “That’s right, darlin’,” Pete whispered when he saw that I understood.

  I swallowed again before I said quietly, “I love you all.”

  “And we love you right back.”

  I smiled a shaky smile at him and he returned it with a bright one of his own.

  “Here you go, Lola Girl. Two lattes and two lemon poppy seed muffins.” I heard Betty say and turned back to facing her. I loved it when she called me Lola Girl. The only other person in my life who had ever done that was my mom.

  Betty and my mom had been best friends since Kindergarten. Both their families were Cedar Creek natives, going back a few generations. They had been closer than sisters, always together, always looking out for each other. It just so happened that they ended up dating and falling in love with two best friends, which made the four of them like family. Betty and my mom opened Lola’s after college. And yes, it’s named after me. My mother had been pregnant with me when they first opened the coffee shop and they decided to make me the namesake. Technically, half of Lola’s was mine. My mother had left it to me when she died. Betty and Pete have been running it ever since. It was theirs, at least in my head. I knew they deposited half of the monthly profits into an account that had my name on it, but I have never touched it. Never even considered it. Not even when money was tight right after college.

  Betty calling me Lola Girl always reminded me of my mother.

  And I loved that.

  “Lore,” I heard my name called from across the table. I had been sipping my chocolate cherry milkshake, lost in thoughts, my mind filled with Jesse and, to my chagrin, Jason. Chris and I were at Tom’s eating lunch. I looked up and saw Chris’s concerned eyes on me.

  “You haven’t heard a single word I’ve said, have you?” I shook my head slowly.

  “I just miss him, Chris. I miss him so bad.” My voice was filled with sadness. I felt Chris’ hand take mine and opened my eyes.

  “Of course you do, babe. There’s a lot to miss,” he said on a squeeze of my hand. He leaned his upper body across the table without taking his eyes from mine, holding my hand tightly in his.

  “You loved him with all that is you. You still do and you always will. Jesse was a part of you and when he died, that part was ripped out of you and left a hole that nobody else can ever fill. It’s his and you won’t ever get it back. It burns, it hurts, and it always will to some degree. It will get better over time, but it will never go away completely, Lore.”

  I nodded. We had talked about this often over the past year. Chris knew what he was talking about. He understood. He knew what it felt like to lose someone who is a part of you. Our sophomore year in college, shortly after we broke up, he lost his younger brother to leukemia. They had all known that it was coming, but that didn’t make it any easier or any less painful. He’d been devastated, had felt powerless because he couldn’t protect his little brother, couldn’t save him.

  It wasn’t the same, but still, he knew the meaning of survivor’s guilt.

  He also knew that even after therapy, I was still blaming myself for Jesse’s death to some degree. The accident hadn’t been my fault, but it was still me who had been driving the car when we got hit and went off the road. Whereas I had walked away with only a few scratches and bruises, Jesse had been declared dead on scene.

  “Lore,” Chris again took me out of my thoughts. “Blaming yourself is not gonna bring him back. All it does is make you miserable. It leads nowhere. Jesse wouldn’t want that for you. He loved you and would want you to be happy. Hold on to the good things. All the fun you guys had. What a great person he was. He wouldn’t want you sad.”

  I nodded. “You’re right. He wouldn’t want that. He always tried to make me laugh. And he did more often than not with all his antics. I smiled again thinking about that.

  Chris smiled back at me.

  Our food arrived.

  “We taking your car to go to Boulder, or mine?”

  “Let’s take mine. I’ll let you drive.”

  That earned me a grin. “Of course you will.”

  I grinned back at him.

  Half an hour later we were leaving the diner. Boulder was an hour away and my appointment was in an hour and a half. We were walking down the sidewalk heading towards my place to get my car. Chris had thrown his arm over my shoulder, pulling me in close. My arm was wrapped around his waist and my head was resting on his shoulder so we were walking holding each other.

  My head shot up from his shoulder and I whipped it around when I heard the loud angry growl of an engine from across the street.

  The Challenger.

  “Nice ride,” Chris muttered admiringly as his head followed the car when it passed us. “Not as sweet as yours, but still nice.” I would have smiled at Chris saying almost exactly what I had thought when I saw the car for the first time a few hours ago.

  “Yeah, it’s nice. Would be nicer if it wasn’t Jason’s.”

  Chris stopped us and looked at me.

  “That’s Jason’s?” I nodded. “What? Is he stalking you now?” I shrugged and started us walking again.

  “I know I promised you I wouldn’t seek him out and kick his ass, but I don’t like that he seems to be following you. First, he waits for you and confronts you after your run this morning and now, here he is again.”

  I sighed but stayed silent. There was nothing I could say. I knew that if Jason didn’t let up and left me alone, there would be nothing I could do to keep Chris from going after him to tell him off or worse.

  Chapter 5

  LORELEY

  I was staring at the bright blue sky that I could see through the tree branches. My back was to the ground while I was lying flat out on the grass between the two graves. My right hand was playing with the grass on top of one of them while my left was resting on my belly.

  I watched as a small flock of ravens landed in the cherry tree above me. They seemed to have come just for me, or at least that’s what I told myself; as if they knew I would need that sign. I visited Jesse’s grave every week. Most of the time, there were at least one or two ravens sitting in the tree above, or even on one or both gravestones, watching over them or waiting for me, I didn’t know. But for some reason they were always around.

  Jesse had loved birds, had been fascinated by all types of them, but especially, to my dismay, ravens. I had two ravens tattooed on my back in his honor, one of them flying, one of them sitting on the branches of the cherry tree I was lying under that also decorated my back. Today had been my last appointment to get the tattoo finished. It had been cathartic to have the last bit completed on the anniversary of Jesse’s death.

  When Jesse had died, I had wanted him to be buried right here, next to my mom. She had never met him, but I had no doubt in my mind that she would have fallen head over heels in love with him at first sight, just like I had. In my mind, I was giving him to my mom to watch over him, to take care of him. I had never been scared of cemeteries, actually, I thought of them more as peaceful and quiet parks where people went to remember the ones they lost. My mom had loved them as well, had taken me for long walks here on a regular basis, said it filled her with a sense of peace and contentment, being so close to her departed family. Sometimes, we would even bring a picnic and have lunch under exactly this tree. She didn’t think it as disrespectful, but more as us sharing a meal in the company of the departed. Most people might find this freaky and abhorrent, but it never creeped me out in any way. When my mother h
ad been buried, this tree was further away from all the other graves than it was now. She had died twenty-four years ago, and the new graves were moving closer and closer every year. But even though it was removed from all the other graves back then, my father had insisted on her being buried in exactly this spot, under our favourite tree. It had helped me grieve for her, knowing she was in her favourite spot, and it had helped me grief for Jesse.

  I still came and visited them every week. And I always came alone. Chris had driven me here, but he didn’t come to the graves with me. I knew he visited Jesse occasionally, but we never went together. I needed this time with them by myself and Chris respected that.

  As I lay on my back, staring up at the sky, I talked to them out loud like I always did.

  “A year ago today, my love. A year ago today since I last kissed you, since I last ruffled your hair, since I last heard your laughter, since I touched you and held you in my arms. I miss you. Every day I miss you. I miss our Friday night movies, our walks through the woods, our cooking dinner together. I miss everything about you.” I smiled, remembering all that had been Jesse.

  “I went and got the last bird tattooed on my back today. It looks like it’s taking off from sitting on a branch. It’s beautiful. You both would have loved it. Even you would have, mom.”

  I took a deep breath and said nothing for a while, just enjoyed the moment of being close to them.

  “All right you two. I gotta go. I have to check in on the bar before I head over to Cal’s for dinner. Ivey is making some fancy schmancy chocolate dessert that I absolutely have to have. I’ll come visit again soon, I promise.” I finished my visit with our tradition, a tradition my mom had started. Every night when she tucked me into bed, we would play the “I love you” game, where we would come up with hilarious ways of telling each other how much we loved each other.

  Then I got up and kissed both their gravestones.

  “Miss you, guys, “ I whispered, then turned around and headed for the parking lot where Chris was waiting for me.

  He was leaning against the driver’s side of my Shelby. I gave him a reassuring smile as I came closer and didn’t stop when I reached him but let him wrap me in his arms.

  “How was that?” He asked against the top of my hair.

  “Good. Very good,” I murmured against his chest.

  “Good. I’m glad. Let’s go,” he said as he kissed my forehead and let me go. I went around the back of the car and got in on the passenger’s side, buckled up, and leaned back against the seat, resting my head against the headrest, so I could look up into the sky.

  I was so absorbed in that—and I guess Chris was so busy worrying about me—that neither of us saw the Challenger parked down the street from the cemetery parking lot, nor did we see it as it pulled out and followed us back into town at a safe distance.

  “Hi, baby!” I cooed at the dog attacking me as soon as I walked into Cal and Ivey’s house.

  Cal had bought Stella for Ivey when they had started dating, before they started dating actually. Before Cal had made her his, Ivey had lived in the house they were living in now all by herself. The house wasn’t in town. It was up the mountain, about a ten-minute drive from the town centre. Cal had convinced Ivey that she needed a dog to watch over her, which Ivey had denied, but he had bought her one anyway. By the time Cal had gotten Stella from the breeder two weeks later, they had been a couple. Yeah, Cal worked fast when he knew what he wanted. So, technically, she didn’t need a dog anymore, because she had Cal to watch over her. But getting her one had been a smart move on Cal’s side. Because, what woman didn’t fall in love with a man that bought her a cute little puppy to cuddle and love and to protect her?

  Stella was now almost a year old and the most beautiful dog I had ever seen. Purebred chocolate lab with beautiful green eyes, big floppy ears, slender and fit built. She was gorgeous. And she knew it.

  “Down, Stella,” I heard Cal grumble as he closed the front door behind Chris and I.

  Staying bent over, I only turned my head to look at Cal. “It’s okay, Cal. She’s just happy to see me.”

  “She can be happy to see you with all four paws on the floor, or better yet, sitting down.”

  I glared at him. “She’s only a puppy!”

  “Yeah, she’s only a puppy. Her jumping you won’t be so much fun when she’s all grown up, which means she needs to be trained now. And the only reason you’re giving me that look you’re giving me right now is because you know I’m right.”

  I knew that of course, but I wasn’t going to tell him. Instead, I turned my attention back to Stella, who was now sitting patiently waiting beside me, and scratched her behind her ears.

  “Come on, sweet girl. We’ll find a ball and play some fetch in the backyard. Far away from your mean grouchy daddy.” Stella was only too happy to agree with me and followed me towards the back of the house.

  Before I reached the kitchen, I heard Cal ask Chris quietly, “How is she doing?”

  “She’s doing good, Cal,” Chris answered him just as quietly.

  “Good. Thanks, man.”

  “No need. She’s my best friend. I love her.”

  My heart melted at the seriousness and love in his voice. God, I loved that man. Too bad it hadn’t worked out between us. It would have saved both of us a lot of pain and confusion. But then again, I wouldn’t have had Jesse. And that wasn’t worth thinking about.

  I entered the kitchen and immediately felt at home. I loved their old little farmhouse—well, not so little anymore since Cal put an addition onto the house. My favourite place was the kitchen. I loved to cook, and Ivey’s kitchen was not only any cook’s dream, it screamed warmth and family with its light colored cabinets, big windows and huge farmhouse table in the middle of it. It really was the heart of this home.

  Both Ivey and Betty were bustling about, chopping lettuce and potatoes and turning the meat in the marinade.

  “Hey, guys,” I greeted as I entered, moving in close to each of them for a hug.

  “Hey, Loreley,” Ivey said, grinning.

  “Lola Girl,” Betty whispered in my ear when I moved in for a hug, then she put her hand to my cheek and looked deep into my eyes. Satisfied with what she saw, she gave me a proud grin and a quick nod before she turned her focus back on chopping the lettuce. My eyes went to Ivey, and she gave me her own proud smile. I smiled back at her.

  “Anything I can help with?” I asked.

  “We’re as good as done. There is beer in the fridge. Help yourself. Take some out to the guys as well if you don’t mind,” Ivey told me.

  “Okey dokey,” I said on my way to the fridge. “I’ll take Stella out with me, play some fetch.”

  “Sure. Tommy has taught her some new tricks. You should ask him to show you.”

  I leaned down to Stella and cupped her cute face with my hands. “You know some new tricks, pretty girl?” Stella smiled at me, tongue hanging out the side of her mouth, panting. “Well, let’s go see! Go get your ball!” I ordered. While Stella went in search of her ball, I grabbed a few beers out of the fridge, then she followed me out the back door excitedly.

  I put the beers on the table and expertly opened them—hey, I did co-own a bar— passed them around to muttered “Thanks” from Cal, Chris, and Pete, and my dad, and took a pull of my own.

  “Where’s mine?” Tommy asked teasingly.

  “You want a beer?” I asked in faked shock.

  “Yeah.” Tommy’s eyes were sparkling.

  “Ivey lets you drink beer now, does she?”

  “Sure. She says I’m responsible for an almost twelve-year-old. I can handle it.”

  “That’s probably true. Have at it then,” I said as I held my bottle of beer out to him.

  His eyes got big and he started reaching for it when, just as he was about to touch it, I yanked it back and took another pull. The men chuckled.

  “I can’t believe you fell for that one, bud,” Cal said. Tommy shrugged. “Can’
t blame a man for trying,” he muttered.

  “Bud, you’ve got a few more years of being a kid. Don’t rush it,” Pete said.

  “You have a girlfriend yet?” Chris asked him.

  Tommy’s ears turned red, probably with embarrassment, as his eyes moved to the ground. Then he straightened his shoulders and looked at Chris.

  “Nope,” he said.

  “He’s got three,” Cal said at the same time.

  Tommy’s eyes shot to his father. “I do not, dad!”

  “At least three different girls called this past week asking for you.”

  “Doesn’t mean they’re my girlfriends.”

  Cal’s eyebrows shot up. “It doesn’t?”

  “No, dad.”

  “Don’t let Ivey hear that you’re stringing along three different girls at once. Or your grandma for that matter. They’re gonna tan your hide, bud,” Pete said through his chuckle.

  “I’m not stringing along anyone. They aren’t my girlfriends.”

  “Do they know that?” Chris asked, grinning.

  “Yeah, they do. They just like me because I’m nice and don’t tease them all the time like the other boys in school do.”

  “That would do it,” I murmured, “I bet they’re all head over heels in love with you. I would be.” Tommy narrowed his eyes on me. “I’m not teasing you, Tommy. I’m sure all the girls love you. I know I would have.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I mean keep doing what you’re doing. Be the good kid you are, don’t tease the girls, don’t be mean, be a gentleman and you’ll end up with a good woman like Ivey.”

  Tommy’s eyes were on me. “Or you,” he said.

  He was such a good kid. “Or me,” I confirmed on a grin.

  We were having dessert. Ivey sure as hell didn’t mess around when it came to sweets. Her breakfasts were always killer and I haven’t tried a single one of her desserts that didn’t instantly make it to the top of my most-delicious-things-ever-eaten list. She was the master. Hands down. So I told her exactly that.