Be Here Now: A Cedar Creek Novel

by Julia Goda

  “I wanted to call you, so many times. But I was too hurt. I was miserable. I hated L.A. without you, hated that I was alone and broken-hearted. I was so angry. But I never hated you. I told myself I did, but for some reason I never really could.”

  Another soft lip touch.

  “I’m glad to hear that, honey. I could never hate you either. And I won’t hate you even when you tell me all about Jesse. That’s what this is about, isn’t it? That’s what you’re worried about?”

  I nodded.

  Jason pulled me in closer and brushed his lips against my forehead. “I could never hate you, Loreley. It’s just not possible. I love you way too much for that to be even imaginable.”

  “I love you, too. I never stopped,” I whispered.

  He sighed in relief as he tightened his arms around me. “Good. Then I need something from you.”

  I lifted my face out of his neck and looked up at him. “What’s that?”

  “A promise.”

  “What kind of promise?”

  “I need you to promise me that you won’t run. That whatever happens, you’ll come to me and we’ll talk. We’ve lived completely separate lives for the past six years and a lot has happened. Promise me that no matter what you hear or see about me, you’ll come to me and we’ll talk about it and work it out. And I’ll promise you the same. I won’t run and I won’t let you go ever again.”

  I could only imagine what he meant by that. But he was right. We’d lived completely separate lives. While he was off becoming a famous rock star and touring the world, I lived in the small town I grew up in near the Rocky Mountains, raising a child and running a bar. I didn’t want to think too much about what I could hear or see that would make me run away from him again though. As long as we promised each other to talk about everything that might come up, I believed we could make it.

  So I nodded and said, “I promise.”

  “Thank you, baby.” He rolled back on top of me and took my mouth in a deep and fierce kiss. Then he explored every inch of me with his mouth and tongue and hands, kissing me, nibbling me, suckling me as he caressed and worshipped my body until he slowly sank back into me and we made slow and intense love.

  I woke up the next morning curled into Jason’s side. He was on his back with both arms around me, holding me close and tight even in his sleep. Carefully, I slipped out from underneath his arms and got up, snatched my robe from the chair in the corner and threw it on, and headed to the bathroom. After doing my morning business and brushing my teeth and hair, I walked back into the bedroom to see Jason hadn’t moved. I decided to let him sleep a little longer while I made some coffee and got breakfast started.

  My house was small but cozy. It was one of those cute little 1950s bungalow style houses we had a lot of here in Cedar Creek. Mine was one of many on a street that was lined with huge elm trees that gave great shade in the summer and looked absolutely beautiful in the fall. The front door led you right into the living room that was open to the kitchen at the end of the house. There was a cozy wood-burning fireplace with a comfy dark brown couch in front of it, filled with pillows. In my opinion, you could never have enough pillows. They were everywhere in my house, or at least everywhere where you would want to hang out and get comfortable, be it on the furniture or on the floor.

  The kitchen was the only room I had remodelled after I moved in when Jesse was just barely a year old. It was now decorated in vintage chic. The cabinets were a mix of off-white and light blue and had that rustic and used look to them that made you feel at home as soon as you walked in the door. All my appliances were retro as well, except my oversized high-end Wolf oven, my pride and joy. I loved to cook and did it often for friends and family. Where Ivey was the queen of desserts, I was the queen of fancy and complicated meals. I loved to experiment and create new dishes and had enough people to volunteer for a tasting. In the corner of the kitchen was a big enough table to seat eight people, ten at a squeeze, and it was regularly filled to capacity, with the usual suspects being everyone who was at Cal and Ivey’s house last night.

  My formal dining room to the right of the front door wasn’t a formal dining room as such. I had it set up as a music room with my guitars and my piano, a big Laz-y-Boy chair and lots of—yes, you guessed right—pillows all over the floor. This was where Jesse and I would sit on the floor, where I would play and sing to him, where he had learned his first guitar grips. His little kid guitar was still standing in its holder in the corner of that room.

  The bacon was sizzling in the pan, the toast was in the toaster waiting to be toasted, and the table was set with butter and jam. My first cup of coffee was half-consumed and in my hand as I stood in front of my kitchen window, holding the birthday card I was reading when I felt arms snake around my waist from behind and lips against the nape of my neck.

  “Morning,” Jason mumbled as he lightly kissed my cheek. I snuggled into him and whispered, “Morning,” as he rested his chin on my shoulder.

  “What’s that?” He asked.

  “It’s a birthday card. The last one Jesse made for me.”

  He was quietly holding me as he studied the card. It was a hand-drawn picture of him and me with a big red heart on top and big block letters that spelled “Happy Birthday” and “I Love you mom” on the bottom. Jesse had died a few days before my birthday, but I had found the card in his nightstand a few months later and put it on the board that hung on the wall in the kitchen with all his other artwork, so I could look at it every day. I had since taken down everything else and put it away in a treasure box. But the card had stayed.

  “He did a good job,” Jason murmured.

  “Yeah.”

  “Is it normal for a five-year-old to be able to draw like that?” I shook my head and laughed silently. You’d expect the picture to be drawn with crayons but Jesse had never had much patience with those and had said they were for babies. He had preferred pencil crayons because he could draw more details with them.

  “No. It’s not.”

  “He was very artistic.”

  “Yeah,” I repeated, “Like his dad.”

  “I can’t draw worth shit, honey.” He said through a light chuckle. I snickered with him. “No, but you’re an artist. You create beautiful music.” His arms turned me around so I was facing him. “So do you.” He kissed me. “So I guess he got that from both of us.” He kissed me again. “Happy Birthday,” he murmured against my lips.

  I smiled. “Thank you.”

  “Any big plans for today?”

  I shook my head. “Not until later. My dad’s throwing a birthday barbeque for me this afternoon. And we have a band playing at the bar, so I’ll have to go check on their set up and go in early tonight.”

  “Anyone I know?”

  “I don’t think so. It’s an Indie band from Boulder. They mostly play at bars and small venues in the city, sometimes in Denver. They play at the bar about once a month. They’re good.”

  “I guess I’ll have to check them out then.”

  “Does that mean you’re coming to the bar tonight?”

  He smiled at me. “Of course I am. I’m also coming with you to your dad’s this afternoon.” I melted into him, liking that he was going to spend the day with me. “After breakfast, we’ll head up to the rental and get my stuff.”

  My eyes shot to his. “Your stuff?”

  “Yeah. My stuff. My clothes. I’m gonna stay with you while I’m in town.” The reminder of him leaving eventually made me drop my eyes.

  “How long can you stay?” I asked, my voice quiet.

  Jason tilted my head up with a finger under my chin. “The band is taking a break for a few months. We just got back from a tour. So we’ll have time. I might have to take a couple of trips back to L.A., but they won’t be for longer than a day or two. And just saying, if you can swing it with the bar, I want you to come with me. But for now, let’s take it one day at a time and enjoy being back in each other’s lives. We’ll figure out the log
istics of where and how we’re going to live later.”

  My eyebrows snapped together in puzzlement. “What do you mean we’ll figure out where we’re going to live later?”

  “I mean exactly that. We’ll figure out where we’re gonna live later.”

  I gave my head a small shake, still confused. “We’re going to live together?”

  Jason lifted both of his hands to cup my cheeks and he pulled me close to his face, his eyes boring into mine.

  “You love me?” he asked.

  I swallowed then said, “Yes.”

  “You wanna be with me?”

  I nodded and repeated, “Yes.”

  “Don’t you think we’ve wasted enough time?” I closed my eyes and leaned into him as I nodded again. He kissed my forehead and wrapped his arms back around me.

  “Then it’s decided. We’re getting my stuff after breakfast and I’m staying here with you. I told you last night I would never be able to let you go again and I meant it. I’m here and I’m staying. Everything else we’ll figure out later.”

  “Okay,” I agreed.

  “Okay,” he said on a squeeze before he let me go. “Now, let’s eat breakfast.” I smiled as he turned and fixed himself some coffee. Then I got the bacon and toast and we sat down for breakfast.

  I hadn’t even taken the first bite of my toast before my phone started ringing.

  It was Chris.

  Seeing his name flash on the screen made me realize that he hadn’t come home last night. I snatched up the phone and brought it to my ear.

  “Chris?”

  “Good morning, gorgeous. Happy Birthday!”

  “Thanks,” I replied. “You at your place?”

  “Yeah. I figured you had someone else holding you last night.” He said teasingly.

  “Very funny.”

  “So have you guys talked yet?” He asked, his voice more serious now.

  “Some. He said we would talk more later.” Jason caught my eyes and his warmed as he gave me a reassuring smile before he took another bite of his bacon.

  “He there now?”

  “Yeah. And he says he’s staying.” Another reassuring smile.

  “Staying in town or staying at your place?”

  “Both. We’re getting his stuff from Cal’s house after breakfast.”

  “Good. I’m glad. Though I’m a little disappointed that I’m losing my own personal cock blocker,” Chris went back to teasing.

  “I’m sure you’ll be strong enough to keep it in your pants without using me as a shield, Chris.” Jason lifted his eyebrows in surprise and question at me. I smiled at him and shook my head, indicating I would tell him later.

  “I hope you’re right.”

  “I’ve got faith in you.”

  Chris chuckled. “At least that makes one of us. You still coming to the bar to watch the guys set up?”

  I rolled my eyes, but said, “Of course.”

  “You bringing Jason?”

  “Probably,” I said as my gaze went back to Jason. He sat back in his chair while he sipped his coffee and watched me.

  “That’ll be interesting,” Chris mumbled.

  “Interesting? Why?” I asked.

  “Nothing. I’ll see you later then.”

  “All right, see you later. And Chris?”

  “Yeah?”

  “Thank you.”

  “Anything for you, Lore. Anytime. You know that.” Then he hung up. I placed my phone back on the table and reached for my coffee.

  “Chris needs your help keeping it in his pants?” Jason asked, amused.

  I gave a short laugh. “I know. Who would have thought he would ever want to keep it in his pants. But apparently, he’s tired of all the empty sex he’s been getting and is looking for something real.” The laughter left Jason’s eyes as they went from me to the table and he took another sip of his coffee. I felt the smile leave my face as I guessed why he was avoiding my eyes now.

  “I don’t want to know,” I said. And I didn’t. I didn’t think I would be able to stomach hearing about what he’d been up to. Just the thought of how many women he had slept with in the past six years made my stomach drop and pain slice through me.

  “And I don’t want to tell you. But we’ll have to talk about it.”

  “No, we don’t.”

  He gripped my hand and squeezed it. “Yeah, baby, we do. I know it’s unpleasant and I’m not gonna share any details. I also don’t wanna hear any details from you. But we gotta get this out of the way, because you’ll eventually hear or read about it and I want you to hear it from me instead of someone else or finding out shit online when I’m not around to explain.” I pulled my hand out of his and crossed my arms across my chest as I glared at him.

  He sighed, but continued talking. “There were others, lots of others, but—”

  I held up a hand to stop him. “I get the picture. I saw it firsthand that one time. I don’t need any visuals. I mean it, Jason. I know you haven’t been celibate. I get it. We weren’t together. You don’t owe me an explanation.”

  “I know I don’t, but you still deserve one.” His voice was determined.

  “Let me rephrase then. I don’t want one.”

  I got up from my chair and started to clear the table, but Jason snatched my hand with his and pulled me in his lap and wrapped his arms around me tightly, keeping me in place before I could even react.

  “I need you to you listen to me, baby. Yes, there were lots of women, but none of them came even close to meaning anything to me. I know it makes me an asshole, but not one of them was more to me than a convenient fuck.” I flinched, but he ignored it and went on being brutally honest with me. “I’ve fucked a lot of women, Loreley, too many to remember.” I closed my eyes in an effort to block out his words and struggled to get out of his hold. Jason only gripped me tighter. “Look at me, baby. Look into my eyes.” He shook me and my eyes snapped open again. “None of them meant anything to me. I did it because I was trying to forget you, because I missed you so goddamn much. You’re the only woman I have ever loved, Loreley, the only woman I have ever felt anything for. It’s always been you.”

  Okay, that made me feel slightly better. Yes, I was terribly jealous of all the women he had been with, but could I blame him? No, I couldn’t. We hadn’t been together. Neither of us knew we would see each other again, least of all be together again.

  “I wouldn’t tell you any of this under normal circumstances, but once the media get wind of you and me, you’re gonna hear it anyway. What I want you to know deep down to your bones is that you have no reason to be jealous. I belong to you. I will not stray, no matter the opportunity. You own me, heart and soul. I don’t see anyone but you. I don’t want anyone but you.”

  I could see it in his eyes; he meant every word he said: that I could trust him to never betray me; that I was the only woman he wanted to be with, the only woman he loved; that he wouldn’t hurt me. But I had known that already or I wouldn’t have let him back into my life the way I had.

  That’s why I said, “I know.”

  “You believe me?”

  I nodded. He studied me for a few seconds then he covered my mouth with a hard kiss. “Thank you, baby.” Another kiss, this one softer. “Now, your turn.”

  I froze. “My turn?”

  “Yeah, tell me who in town you’ve dated, so I don’t get blindsided in case we run into them.”

  I tried to push away from him and get up, but he only tightened his hold on me once more.

  “Tell me, Loreley. I need to know.”

  I stopped pushing against him but shook my head. I didn’t particularly want to share that I hadn’t been with anyone; that I hadn’t so much as kissed anyone. It was embarrassing and pathetic. I also didn’t want him to feel any guiltier than he already did. So I stayed quiet.

  He misunderstood my silence and narrowed his eyes. “Tell me.”

  I knew he wouldn’t let this go, so I squeezed my eyes shut and whispered, �
�None.”

  Jason’s body froze underneath me. Then he asked in a hoarse voice, “None?” I shook my head again. “None as in we won’t run into anyone in town, or none as in there was no one at all?”

  “The second,” I mumbled, my eyes still firmly shut.

  The next thing I knew, I was up in Jason’s arms as he carried me out of the kitchen and his lips were on mine. “I know this makes me a hypocrite and a caveman, but I don’t care. You just told me I was the last person you gave yourself to. Knowing that you haven’t shared yourself with anyone else makes me hard as a rock and I need to be inside you again.” To my surprise, he walked through the bedroom and into the bathroom where he placed my ass on the counter. Then, with his lips still on mine, his mouth devouring mine, he started to untie my robe and slid it down my shoulders.

  He ended the kiss and followed the path of the robe as he froze. His eyes roamed the mirror behind me as he kept pushing down the robe all the way until it was pooled around me on the counter. Then his hands started roaming my back as his eyes stayed glued to the mirror.