by Fin J. Ross
I plonk my ooti on the ground. Defeated. He's right, I know he's right. But I've got to do something. I can't just leave my Hamish honey there and not try to help. Inda does figure eights around my legs to comfort me. He realises I'm upset even if he's not sure why. One day I'll tell him, but not right now.
I can't wait until Thursday to get out of here - that's still three days away. It might be too late by then. I have to come up with a plan. I mean if I could rescue Hamish, he'd be indebted to me forever. I could make him my own personal toy boy and I could be his sex kitten - or cougar more like it.
Oh stop it! Think straight, girl. What are you going to do? I ask myself but I'm not getting any answers. Too much to think about at once. I'd like to be able to be like Starlet O'Hara in Gone out the Window, and just think about it tomorrow, but I have to think about it now.
'Eeeoww,' I yarl, 'I need help. Colonel, surely with your military expertise you can help plan a strategy, and Raffles, little Mister Escapologist, you can surely figure a way out of here.'
'We'll put our heads together and work on it,' the Colonel says.
'Yeah, don't worry Juno, we'll come up with a plan. Mind you, I don't think you'll want to wait for the Colonel to hatch an escape plan, you could be waiting until the cows come home - which they never seem to do. At least they don't ever come home to our place,' Raffles says.
I start to relax a bit. But it's pretty frustrating now, being stuck in here when everything else seems to be happening Out There!
Hamish is out there, probably on his way to Weeras; my Arni is out there, somewhere, waiting for me to find him; my future as an origamiist can only happen out there; my Erna is way up there; Hayoo and Darling are goodness-knows-where. And where am I? I am stuck in here, that's where I am; twiddling my whiskers.
I'm really starting to wish that Darling and Hayoo would hurry up and come back so that Inda and I could just get home and figure out what we're going to do about everything. Honestly, if I have to wait for the Colonel to figure out a plan, I'll be old and grey and Hamish the Handsome will have gone to Weeras - or beyond. I can't see how we can possibly get out of here and find the AFAQS and bust Hamish out. Looks like I'll just have to wait until I get home and then work out a plan and hope it's not too late for Hamish.
But then I remember something that's going to put a spanner in the wok: Darling and Hayoo always keep me inside for the first two or three days after I get home from my holidays. Why they do that I have no idea. It's not like I'm going to want to run back to the other theres I was sent - especially not when I've just got home. And, oh dear, if they do take Inda home as well, it's probably even more likely they'll keep us both shut in for ages.
So if they shut me in this time, how will I get away to save my Hamish? Oh, what am I going to do? If only these stupid deuxjambs could understand me when I speak to them. You'd think that if they've figured out how to fly to the moony, how to build skyscratchers and how to operate mote-controls, they'd have figured out feeli-speak by now. It's obvious they're going to be no use to me as I won't be able to explain the urgency of the situation to them. Somehow, I've got to get to the AFAQS by myself to rescue Hamish. Maybe I'll get have to get away and get lost myself - ah! There's a thought…
'I've got it guys! I've just got to get lost and I'll be picked up by the green-shirt deuxjambs and taken to the AFAQS. Then I'll be able to rescue Hamish.'
That's it: that's my plan. I feel pretty smug now with this brilliant idea.
'Mmm,' says the Colonel, 'but how are you going to get him out if you're stuck in there too? Did you think about that?'
'Um, Raffles will have to come too so that he can figure a way out.'
'Sounds logical to me,' Raffles says, 'except that I'm stuck in here for another two weeks or so yet. And anyway, what interest do I have in getting this Hamish out? It's not like I know him or anything.'
'Yeah, point taken. But you'd really like him, Raffles, I know you would. It would be like your good deed for the month, and he'd be forever indebted to you.'
'Okay, well my suggestion is: we wait until tonight so that we can get the map from Miss Steph's office, then we figure out how to get out of here. Maybe I'll be able to figure out how to get a door or window open, then we go lickety-split to the AFAQS and then, um, we just hang around outside there until the morning when someone's bound to pick us up and take us inside.'
'Oh Raffles, that's brilliant. That'll work, don't you reckon, Colonel? Big Dan?'
'It sounds like a feasible plan to me,' the Colonel says.
'I think it could work, Juno,' Big Dan agrees, 'but if you're going to do it, I think I should come too just to be sure that nothing bad happens to you two. I could just imagine you'd be like a pair of loose catapults, going off all over the place. You'll need somebody to keep an eye on you.'
'Okay, that'd be neat, Big Dan,' I nod thoughtfully. 'And I'd feel much safer with you there.'
'Then it's a plan,' Big Dan says. 'But something tells me our deuxjambs and Miss Steph aren't going to be too impressed about this.'
'No, I should think not,' Zsa Zsa adds, condescendly.
'And your deuxjambs aren't going to be too impressed with Miss Steph if you lot bust out of here either,' Maharani says.
Oh. I hadn't thought of that. I mean, I wouldn't want Miss Steph to think I didn't like it here. After all, this is the best place I've ever been - other than home, of course.
'Hang on! I've got a better idea,' I say.
'What?' Big Dan, Raffles and the Colonel ask in unison.
'Why don't we break into the AFAQS tonight, bust Hamish out and be back here in our pens by morning? That way, Miss Steph will never know we've been anywhere, we won't get stuck in there and our deuxjambs won't have to pay big kitzbitz to get us out of there. If we leave here as soon as it's dark enough, we'll have a good eight or ten hours to find our way there, figure out how to get in and rescue Hamish, and get back here again.'
'We can certainly give it a try,' Raffles says. 'It will depend on whether we can find a way to get Hamish out. But hey, as I said, they don't call me Houdini for nothing.'
'Yes, but Houdini was famous for getting out of things - not getting into things,' Zsa Zsa points out.
'In-out, whatever,' Raffles retorts. 'So after dusk then?'
'Yep, as soon as Miss Steph tucks us in for the night.'
I smile at Inda and nod. He looks a little concerned. 'Don't worry darling, we'll be back before you even notice we're gone. Besides, you'll be busy at your singing lesson with Finny,' I assure him.
I feel so much more relaxed now. What a night it's going to be. I'll be a heroine - I'll save my Hamish the Handsome and tell him how to get to my place. Then I'll be able to see him all the time. We can hide him somewhere at home and we'll share our food with him (well, sometimes maybe) and, who knows, maybe Darling and Hayoo might adopt him too.
I'm so lucky to have met so many nice and helpful feelis in here, particularly Raffles and Big Dan who are going to risk their lives to help me tonight. It's really comforting, coz I mean it really is hard to get good help these days.
'You know, you three should be getting your nails sharpened in readiness for this escapade tonight,' Zsa Zsa suggests. 'You can get them really sharp by clawing the carpet like this.' I hear a scratching noise, so obviously she's demonstrating. 'Oh darn, I've broken another nail.'
'You surely can't have any left by now,' I say with a smirk.
'Huh?'
It's still nearly three hours until dark so I guess I've just got to sit here and bite my time. Meanwhile, all I've got to look forward to is dinner. I wish Miss Steph would hurry up.
Huh! She must've heard me. Think and ye shall be heard, they say; somebody says. Actually I don't know who says it, but there is Miss Steph, walking in the door with the dinner trolley, just as I'm thinking about her. It must be mental feelipathy! Ooh, or have I discovered the art of hyla?
The Three Amigos
I'm starting to
get flupperties in my belly and Inda is a bucket of nerves. It's the waiting that's the worst thing. And the anticipation. And the unknown. And the fear and trepidation and terror and…
'Hey, calm down, Umbi. You look like you're trying to tap dance, or rap dance, and trust me, it's not something you'd want to be seen doing in public.'
'I know darling, but it's not very often I have to crawl out of my comfort zone and contemplate a foray into Weeras in the middle of the night.'
'Well, you don't have to go, you know. I mean-'
'I do have to go Inda-mine. I just couldn't live with myself if something bad happened to Hamish the Handsome. If you get to meet him, you'll understand. Some feelis are simply worth fighting for. Many I couldn't give a flick of my tail for, but some, well, I just have to do what I've got to do. His life might depend on it. I might be the only feeli on earth who can save him.'
Inda shrugs in resignation. 'But Umbi, what if something happens to you?'
'Nothing's going to happen to me. I'll have Big Dan and Raffles there to look after me.'
'Speaking of your cohorts in crime,' Big Dan says, as he suddenly appears at our gate like an apparition, 'we're just going to get on the intercat again to figure out the best way to get to the AFAQS. It might be quicker to go cross country, as the Aark-aark flies, rather than sticking to the roads. That way, nobody will notice us either.'
Raffles darts ahead of him through the door into the office. Honestly, I don't know where that kisskie gets all his energy from. He's like a coiled string - always ready to go off.
Inda starts to hum something unrecognisable. I suddenly remember his date, er, singing lesson with the lovely Finny. That's good, maybe she can take his mind off what I'm getting up to.
Raffles appears again and springs up to open the latch on our gate. 'Okay, we've just worked out how to get there and we've calculated that, so long as we don't feelifoot around, it should take us about 45 minutes. So, are you ready? I've just unsnibbed the kitchen door, so we're set to go.'
'Ohh,' I look umbingly at Inda and dop him on the head. 'Here goes then. Now, why don't you trot down to Finny and get started with this singing business. I'll look forward to hearing you when I get back. There's a good dossie.'
He scampers off towards Finny's pen, glancing back at me as he skids to a stop in a grey fuzz.
I follow Big Dan towards the kitchen, where Raffles is darting around and up and down, checking out the shelves and cupboards.
'What are you doing?' I ask him.
'I just figured we might need some escape gear, like a rope or a hacksaw,' he replies, as if I should have figured that out for myself.
'But how are you going to carry it?' I'm betting he hadn't thought of that.
'Do you think I hadn't thought of that?'
'Well-'
'On that,' he points to a plastic tray thingy, 'I'm going to make a harness and tie it to that handle so we can pull it along behind us. Sort of like a tomboggan.'
'A tomboggan.'
'Yes, a tomboggan. Actually Big Dan has offered to pull it, seeing that he's the biggest and strongest.'
I nod. Thank goodness for that. I never was much into winter sports.
We seem to be making good headway and so far it's been an interesting excursion. Fortunately, it's a bright starry night so the visibility is good, not that we feelis have any difficulty seeing in the dark as a rule. But, when you've got to think about navigating, modus operandi, avoiding getting your paws wet and the occasional exercise-induced hunger pangs, you need all the help you can get.
I admit, though, I am starting to wish Raffles and Big Dan would stick to the streets. I think Big Dan's finding the tomboggan a bit awkward, but he's too much of a gentletom to complain.
I've already lost count of how many fences we've climbed or gone under or around or through. I'm not sure Raffles realised there'd be such a bobsical course when he plotted our route. So much for the flying Aark-aark approach.
Fortunately for me the fences haven't been too high coz, as you can imagine, scaling six-footers is not my forte. And I truly hope my two amigos really do know where we're going, because I certainly don't recognise anything in this neighbourwood.
Just as I'm thinking that, my nostrils detect a familiar smell. Quiffo food!
I can spot that from a mile away. It smells just like the stuff our neighbours put out for their obnoxious, snuffling, snorting, snapdragon-excuse for a quiffo. The only good thing about him is that he often doesn't eat all his dinner at once, so I'm more than happy to polish off the rest and lick his plate clean for him.
All I have to do is wait until his deuxjambs call him inside, so I don't have to contend with his whiny voice and bad breath, or worry that he might alert them to my midnight feasting.
I get to thinking about food and lick my lips.
'Hey, guys, do you mind if we take a breather - and a detour?'
'What for? A detour where?' Big Dan asks. 'Just remember, we're doing this for you. And for a feeli we've never even met.'
'Yes, but-'
Big Dan sniffs the air. 'Hmm, I know what you're on about. Do you think we can't smell that too?'
'Well, we need some sustenance. We've still got a big night ahead of us.'
'Why not,' Raffles pipes up. 'I'm a bit peckish myself.'
We veer to the right and sniff along the bottom of a wooden fence.
'It's right there,' I point, 'just on the other side of the fe-'
Before I've even finished the word, Raffles has scaled the palings and is perched on the top. Darn it, this one is a six-footer. I look up at the Everest of backyard fortress ramparts. It's daunting. I'm not sure I can get over that, at least not without a substantial run-up and leg-up.
'Psst. Hey, Big Dan, can you just stand right there, so I can use you as a springboard?'
He shakes his head in resignation and slips out of the tomboggan harness. 'Okay, but you'll need to start back there and get some speed up to give yourself some impetus, and please, think light will you?'
'Ha ha.'
'Come on guys,' Raffles whispers, 'we haven't got all night'.
I back up a few metres and drop into pounce mode, wriggling my ooti at the correct speed to give me enough pace for launch mode. 'Are you set, Big Dan?'
He positions himself about a metre away from the fence, stands as tall as he can and braces himself. 'I'll count you down. Ready?'
'Yep.' I wriggle my ooti again in readiness. I'm like a leopard, getting ready to pounce on a jungle creature that smells like dinner. I'm all muscle and concentration; a gymnast preparing to launch at a vault and do some spectacular triple somersault with a twist.
'Three, two, ONE!'
'Huh? Oh.'
I take a run-up and leap, sights set on the top of the fence. I launch off Big Dan's back and fly upwards, bracing myself for impact.
Oops, whoops!
Suddenly my nose is planted in timber. I look heavenwards into Raffles' desperate face. There's nothing the kid can do to help me. I grapple and unsheathe my claws and dig them into the fence. My paws are too far apart and I'm getting splinters in my chin as I start to slide.
This wasn't how I pictured it. I cringe at this ignominious ending to my gymnastic career and slide a bit more. Then I just let go, defeated, and fall backwards onto Big Dan.
'Haha,' Raffles titters.
'Oh, you shut up,' I spit.
'No, you shut up,' he retorts.
'No, you shut up,' I re-retort.
'No, I mean, shut up,' he whispers, his paw up to his mouth, 'someone's coming'.
There's a door sliding noise, followed by a deep-voiced deuxjamb yelling, 'Who's there?'
And then comes the craziness.
A demented quiffo, bark-bark-barking like there's no tomorrow, throws his silly self at the fence like he can mush right through it.
'Get it, Titan,' the he-deuxjamb yells.
We have all frozen. Raffles is so stock-still on top of the fence he looks
like a stone statue.
Titan?
I'm imaging a German sheepherder or a Bogeyman Pincher or some such huge, slavering, beastly quiffo.
Raffles is completely dumbstruck. His eyes dilate and I swear that, even in the dark, I can see him turning pale.
But, before I can even open my mouth, Big Dan pushes me off and in one amazing, acrocatic manoeuvre, he launches himself to the top of the fence, grabs Raffles in his teeth and lands beside me again.
Raffles is stunned; his dinner-plate eyes are rolling around in his head like it's a turmble-dryer.
'Phew, thanks Big Dan,' Raffles says, barely audible over the snuffling, snarling and growling behind the fence. 'I thought I was a goner. I thought that beast was going to pluck me off the fence and eat me for dessert.'
I can still see the terror in Raffles' eyes. I reckon he's had at least one of his lives scared out of him.
'Well guys,' I say when the other two seem recovered enough, 'I think maybe we'll forget the midnight feast and get cracking. What do you think?'
'Absolutely,' they say in unison.
We skirt along the bottom of the fence until we reach a footpath and then turn right, so that we're now in front of the house with the Bogeyman Pincher; who, by the way, is still barking ferociously.
I peer across the gardening to the see-through fence where Titan has renewed his cacophonous vigil. But something's odd. I take a few paces closer, peering at the salivating quiffo, and then a few more steps… until I'm eye-level with him.
Hang on - eye level?
I can't help it, I really can't… I crack up laughing and turn to Raffles. 'Oh yeah, Raffles, such a big vicious Bogeyman.'
'Ha, ha. That's a Sheet-zoo,' Big Dan says.
'It sure does,' Raffles agrees.
'Huh?' Big Dan and I say at the same time. He cocks his head at me in perplexity. Then he laughs as the penny drops.
'No, Raffles, that's what it is - not what it does,' he says with a smirk.