by Fin J. Ross
I'm lost, because I thought he was talking about a crumby animal-farm; maybe one with no actual animals, or something.
I turn back to the prissy-white yappy quiffo.
'So who's a big ferocious quiffo then?' I tease it, in a kisskie-like catronising voice. 'And who's got pretty pink bows in his hair?'
The quiffo's mouth slaps shut and it backs off, tail between its little legs.
'And that, dear Raffles,' I bat my paws together in the universal signal of job done and dusted, 'is how you dispatch obnoxious, toothy-jowled, slobberholic quiffos'.
I flick my tail pointedly and casually turn and head back towards the footpath giving Big Dan and Raffles a 'come on' with my head. They must be impressed with my quiffo-dispatching bravery as they fall in behind me.
And there we go, walking along the footpath, and I'm feeling pretty pleased with my own bravado, when suddenly my fur starts to frickle uncontrollably, my nose goes all flarey, and my ears involuntarily rotate 360 degrees.
This is Feeli-alert for: danger, big danger.
What the? Uh oh. DANGER!
'Run, guys, run!' I say.
I turn my head in time to see three quiffos - Titan has cohorts! - launching themselves out their front door.
'Gaw, get 'em, boys; sick-em,' the evil he-deuxjamb yells.
We run like cut feelis. I'm embarrassed to say I'm struggling because of my flabby-flanks, but Big Dan is right behind me.
Titan is right behind Big Dan; and another one - this one has purple bows - is hot on Raffles' heels, snapping the air.
'Go Titan, go Goliath, go Gigantor,' evil-deuxjamb yells.
Honestly, if I had time and my life didn't depend on me running as fast as I can, I'd laugh out loud. I mean, I've heard of Small Quiffo Syndrome, but this is ridiculous. Titan, Goliath, Gigantor, huh? I'd have called them Itzy, Bitzy and Ditzy myself, but then-
Holy kackapod, they're gaining on us.
And when quiffos are after you it doesn't matter what size they are.
'Run, Juno, run. You too, Raffles.' It's Big Dan of course.
I haven't got the breath to tell him I'm already running as fast as I can.
Just as he's almost alongside me, he suddenly disappears - up a tree.
Why didn't I think of that?
One of the quiffos - I think it's the original Titan - comes to a screeching halt and starts madly berdonking the bottom of the tree.
Just then, Raffles darts past me and suddenly veers off across the road. I see him land on a car roof in a single bound.
Mr Purple Bows, who was right behind him, has nowhere to go and crashes into the side of the car.
Meanwhile, I'm still looking for something scaleable, but I'm fast running out of footpath. Then I spot it.
I dart off to the right, across someone's gardening, springboard off a low thick hedge - wonder for a moment why it's shaped like a giant woozel - and fly like a launching Terrorcacktil onto the top of a fence.
Now why couldn't I do that before?
How I manage not to go straight over the other side is beyond me, but hey, I'm up here and Mr Lavender Bows can suffer in his chokeystrap! He almost falls over himself as he skids to a halt, and yap-yappy-yaps at me with his little fangs bared.
Thank goodness I can catch my breath. From my vantage point, I can see Raffles still perched on top of the car, and although I can't see him, I'm guessing Big Dan is still up his gum tree since Mr Pink Bows is still below barking up a storm.
Phew! I hadn't bargained on this much excitement - or exercise. I sure hope Hamish the Handsome appreciates all this.
The Pawshank Redemption
'It's not far now,' Raffles announces as we approach a treeful area along the edge of a gully.
I'm so glad that evil deuxjamb finally called off his quiffo-hounds and let us get on with our mission. We lost valuable time waiting alone on our perches until they'd gone. And then, of course, the boys had to repair the harness on the tomboggan.
'We've just got to cross over here and head that way a bit and we should see the AFAQS building. I'll lead the way now, if you like,' Raffles announces.
'Sure, lead on,' I say. But no sooner have I said it than Big Dan suddenly rushes forward and dive-bombs onto Raffles, stopping him in his tracks.
'What the hell's that all about?' Raffles asks as he gets up and dusts himself off. 'If you wanted to go first, why didn't you just say so, ooh, what's that? That sticky, it's moo-oo-oving.'
'That's why I stopped you silly. Coz that's no sticky - it's a creely!'
'Oh cripes, a creely?'
'Yes, and a dangerous one too. One bite from that and you'd be deader that a dead dongo's dinger,' Big Dan explains as the stripy mobile-sticky slinkers away.
'I got bitten by one once. My own foolish fault really since I thought it looked tasty. But it turns out it was more interested in eating me. By-Basht, I was crook. Never been so sick. I thought I was off to Weeras for sure. Thankfully my deuxjambs found me in time. I spent a week in the hostipple with all sorts of tubes sticking in and out of me. Not a pretty sight. And it took me quite a while to get over it.'
I'm so impressed by Big Dan's bravery I tell him so. 'Oh, you're so brave, Big Dan. Fancy, neither of us would have known what it was until we stepped on it - and then it might have been too late. Cripes. I'm so glad you're with us.'
Without realising it, I start to quirrel and I dop my head under Big Dan's chin and rub my shoulder up against his.
'I'm glad I'm with you too, Juno,' he says, in his mesmeriso voice. 'I can't imagine what fate might have befallen you if I'd left you and Raffles to your own devices.'
I go all gooey. I think I'd go to the ends of the earth if Big Dan were by my side. But then, I'd do that for Hamish too - I remind myself.
We head across the gully, shoulder to shoulder, with Raffles skipping along beside us. As we get to the crest at the other side, Raffles points over to the left.
'That's it. That building over there, with the cyclone fence around it,' he says animatedly.
I can't help wondering how a fence like that could keep a cyclone out, but then a lot of things deuxjambs do leave me scratching my ooti. It's a very solid-looking brick building though, but even it doesn't look impenetrable. As we get closer though, I'm not so sure.
'Geez,' Raffles says, 'that looks more daunting than Pawshank Prison. Can you see any windows or some other way in?'
'We'll have to get a bit closer,' Big Dan says.
I nod in agreement. 'Just remember guys, this place is designed to keep quiffos in, as well as feelis.'
'You mean there's quiffos in there?' Raffles asks, with more than a skerrick of concern in his voice.
'Of course, d'oh,' I say.
'Oh cripes. I think I must have temporarily blocked that knowledge from my thoughts,' Raffles says.
'Okay, Mister Escapologist, Mister Houdini, so how are we going to get in here?' Big Dan asks.
'Hey, give me a break will you. I'm used to breaking out of places - I've never actually broken into one.'
'You picked your time to tell us that,' I comment.
'Well give me a minute. We'll have to case the place - right around - to find its most vulnerable spot.'
'Sounds reasonable,' says Big Dan as we patrol along the outside of the wire fence.
Before long we come to some shrubbery and the fence does a sharp left turn. We pick our way under some prickly bushes and emerge into a car park. There's a lot of concrete, but no cars, which means - phew - there's no deuxjambs either.
We saunter along in front of the building like we're out for a Sunday constitutional, until we come to a glass door and window. We peer in but can't make out anything very interesting. Raffles looks at me and shrugs. Suddenly he launches off his haunches and grabs the door lever. It doesn't budge. Of course. I mean, we didn't really expect it to.
'Worth a try, I guess,' I whisper to him.
We keep going across the front of the building, turn around t
he corner and come to a fence; fortunately one designed to keep quiffos in, not feelis out. I take the lead and poke my head and shoulders through. Foop. I'm stuck.
Raffles scampers through the gap beside me and grabs my chokeystrap in his mouth and starts to pull. I'm not going anywhere.
'Here, give us a paw Big Dan,' Raffles says.
'Breathe in, honey, I'll give you a push from the back. Don't mind my paws there.'
'I don't mind your paws at all,' I say suggestively. 'Call me honey again and I'll do anything, Big Dan.'
'All right then, but for now, just breathe in when I push, okay?'
I do as he says and after some pretty heavy breathing and intermittent exhaling, not to mention a few grunts, the rest of me is squeezed through the fence. Big Dan tilts his huge head sideways, pushes it through the bars and then elongates his body and slides through.
'Okay,' says Raffles, 'let's see what's down here.
We sneak along the edge of the building and I realise the most surprising thing is how quiet it is. I would have thought that homeless quiffos would be howling all night. I wonder where the feeli quarters are; hopefully we don't need to go anywhere near the quiffos to get to them.
We get to the end of the building without even passing any doors. There are some high windows, but they look a bit tricky and unlikely as an access point. We turn left again and there, in the end of the building, is a wire gate.
'Ah-ha!' Raffles exclaims.
'Shh,' Big Dan and I say together.
'This looks promising,' Raffles whispers. 'Look, this is the quiffos' quarters. Look at all the gates in there and-
'Uh-oh, quiffos.'
That explains the snoring and grunting I can hear. But I'm dumbfounded that none of them has heard us yet, I mean it's not like we've done SAS training. There's no way we're gonna go through there to find Hamish. I shake my head at the other two and point around the corner.
Raffles motions to us to stay put and takes off around the last bend to check things out. A few moments later he's back again.
'Nup, no way in around there, just a solid door. This is the only way.'
'But we can't get through that,' I say, stating the obvious.
'You two can't maybe, but I can,' he whispers. 'After all, you are looking at the Copacatbana Club's two-time limbo champion.'
Big Dan raises his eyebrows. 'Really,' he says in a deep, unconvinced voice.
'Really?' I ask.
'Really,' he says. 'Look, I'll show you.'
With that, he turns around, flops onto his back and flattens himself out like a ribbon. Then, and I can't explain how, he glides backwards and gets his chin under the gate, then his front paws and he wriggles his way through to the other side. I wouldn't have believed it if I didn't just see it for myself. Incredible.
'That's incredible,' I whisper and Big Dan nods in agreement. 'Now what are you going to do?'
He mooshes and gestures: 'I'll go through and open the front door. You two go back around and I'll let you in.'
Sounds feasible. Big Dan and I nod at each other. But we wait a bit to watch Raffles' progress through the gauntlet of quiffos. He tiptoes along looking cautiously from side to side. Considering our earlier episode with Sheet-zoos I can't believe how brave he is.
I also can't believe how quiet he is and how none of the quiffos can hear him. He's silently putting one paw in front of the other.
I think of all those fighty-films, with the writing on the bottom, that Hayoo watches where a warrior always goes slinky-like-a-feeli through a building and then something goes 'clang' and everyone wakes up and runs around and turns all the lights on and there's fighting.
Now, here we are watching Raffles go all tippy like a deuxjamb-Ninja; and I cross my claws for him. I also squint and cringe a bit, as though that's going to help.
He gets to the far end of the space and turns to us and points off to the right then heads in that direction. There's not a peep from any of the quiffos.
As Big Dan and I get around the front of the building again, after another squishy shimmy though the fence, Raffles is sitting on the door mat nonchalantly licking his paws, the front door open behind him. I'm starting to believe his Houdini claim. He looks up at us.
'What took you so long?'
'Well done, kid,' I say as I put my paw up to give him five.
The flupperties are really causing a commotion in my stomach now as we cross the threshold into the AFAQS. I'm coming Hamish, I think to myself.
'I think the feelis must be this way,' Raffles points to a door off to the right. 'I didn't pass any coming through there.'
Big Dan goes ahead and pushes at the door which opens smoothly into a hallway. We follow him through and before long we emerge into a bigger room. This one has gates all the way around and I count about half a dozen snoozing feelis. It's not nearly as bad as I thought it would be, but not nearly as good or as comfortable as the Lap of Luxury.
As we pass one of the pens, a nondescript beige feeli puts its head up, yawns and stretches. Then it spots us. It looks pretty astonished.
'Hey, watcha doing out there?' it asks.
'Huh? Oh just looking for someone,' I reply.
'Oh. Who?'
'Hamish. Hamish the Handsome.'
'Nup, don't know 'im. Don't think he's in here.'
'No, apparently he's in Weeras Way. Do you know where that is?'
'Oh no, you don't want to go there - not voluntarily.'
'But we have to. We're here to rescue him.'
'Oh,' beige feeli answers as though this is an everyday occurrence. 'In that case, it's through that door over there.' He points to the other end of the room.
'Hey,' says Raffles suddenly. 'Do you want me to let you out of there?'
'Let me out? Why?'
'Because I can and maybe there's somewhere else you'd rather be.'
'No, not particularly.'
'Okay, your call,' Raffles says.
We head towards the door to Weeras Way, not knowing what to expect on the other side. Usually whenever someone goes to Weeras, you never see them again.
But then Inda is living proof that Weeras isn't necessarily always bad. After all, I never thought I'd see him again when he was taken away. Raffles leaps up to flick the door lever and Big Dan pushes it open.
When we get inside we see three small cages up on a bench. I look up at the first one - it's empty. No Hamish. I'm not sure whether that's good or bad.
The second one looks like it's occupied but all I can see is a lank-looking tail hanging over the edge of a cushiony thing. I'm pretty sure that's not Hamish either.
There's a little sign on the outside of the cage, but I can't figure out what it means. It says:
Case #2339
DSH/F
Entry 22/12
Vet/euth 16/02
'Hey, guys, what do you think the note on this cage means?'
Big Dan and Raffles peer at the card.
'Well, I think the case number and the entry date are pretty obvious,' Big Dan says. 'And DSH, I believe, means domestic short-hair, F is obviously female. As for vet/euth 16/02…
'Uh-oh, I have this awful feeling-'
'What?'
'I'm pretty sure this means that this girl is going all the way to Weeras tomorrow.'
Raffles eyes go all huge. 'You mean-'
'Yep.'
'Oh no.' Now I'm panicky. I scan the tag on the next cage.
Case # 2377
DLH/M
Entry 14/01
Vet/euth 16/02
As I fling myself up onto the counter beside the cage, a matted grey head untucks itself from a tangled mass of fur and slowly turns towards me. Its eyes aren't focused yet but I'd know them anywhere.
'Hamish, Hamish. I'm here!'
He looks pretty astonished, I must say. Actually perplexed more than astonished. And although I hate to say it, he's not as handsome as I remember. In fact he looks like he's been through a haystack backwards - a muddy,
stinky haystack. He's definitely on the nose.
'Is that you, Juno? What are you doing here?' he asks sleepily.
'I've - that is, we've - come to rescue you.' I put my paw through the wire and touch him on the head.
'Rescue? But how did you know I was here? And how did you get here?'
'No time to explain. C'mon we're gonna get you out of here. My friends Big Dan and Raffles have come to help me get you out.'
'Thank goodness. I was getting pretty bored in here.'
'Bored is the least of your worries, Hamish. You're gonna be a goner tomorrow, if we don't get you out of here.'
'A goner? What do you mean?'
'I mean curtains, finito, the Weeras of no return.'
'Awps! Are you kidding? You mean…' he runs his paw across his throat.
'Yep.'
'Who's there? What did you wake me up for?' a sleepy but irritated voice from the other cage says.
'Hi,' says Raffles, 'we're the rescue committee. We've come to bust you out of here. I'm Raffles - AKA Houdini.'
'Huh? Oh, hi, I'm Jorjie. Boy, are you a funny looking thing.'
'Yeah, well you're no oil painting either,' Raffles says to the little teezee.
'We're gonna rescue your neighbour here, too,' I say to Hamish, 'whether she likes it or not'.
With that, Raffles flicks the catch on Jorjie's cage and then cuts across to open Hamish's latch.
He's free! He steps out and dops my head with his. He's a bit stinky, but we'll worry about that later.
The break-out was so much easier than I thought it would be. We didn't even need any of the gear on the tomboggan, let alone the tomboggan itself, so we leave it behind in the car park.
Despite their initial reaction to each other upon meeting, Raffles now seems to be quite taken with Jorjie - the two have skipped on ahead of us. Hamish, Big Dan and I are strolling all casual, since the break-out didn't take as long as we'd anticipated. We retrace our steps back to the Lap of Luxury.
Big Dan and I have just been telling Hamish about our episode with the three snappy quiffos.
He seemed to think it was funnier than we did. But now I come to think of it, it was pretty funny, I guess, and it will add to the excitement when we tell everyone about our adventure.