Holding On To Heaven

by Melyssa Winchester

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Serenity

  I can't believe I’m about to say it, but I actually miss the time in my life where I’d been completely alone.

  It was quiet for me when I’d been the outcast. Back then, I didn’t have to worry about the voices in my head and I could focus on being me while being surrounded by people the world deemed the most like me. There was no judgment there, no overload of information being thrown at me, no drama of any sort. As long as you don’t count the fits some of the people had while I’d been there. That was as dramatic as my world back then had been and I miss it with every fiber of my being.

  When Ryan explained everything he knew about me, I handled it. Not because I understood it or because it was coming from someone I may or may not have feelings for, but because the information seemed solid. It made the most sense to me with everything that had already taken place in my life.  It was easier to accept on the surface. It’s even more tolerable because he didn’t want to follow through on his initial orders. Ryan didn’t want to help me prepare for a life with Lucifer. He wants to get me out of it. It’s those thoughts that bring me to where I am now and with who.

  Gabriel telling me the truth isn’t having the same effect. I guess a lot of that has to do with the fact of what he is and what I expected of him based on that. Waiting as long as he did to tell me everything, it damaged the relationship we’d been building between us. I trusted him, felt things for him I hadn't felt since the short time with Graham. When he vanished, even if his reason had been pure it had still broken me. Which makes every word he says to me now unbelievable.

  He asked me before not to give up on him, that he would fix everything he’d broken, but that isn't happening. All that seems to run through my brain the more he says, is how to make him stop. I’m reaching a point where the unbelievable is bleeding over into the believable.

   I am his beloved. His one true partner, but I’m not his soul mate. This is where it begins to fall apart.  I mean, how is it possible to be one but not the other? If we were meant to be together in whatever form we’re given, then how is he not the other half of my soul? The one being my soul searched for and found in every lifetime?

  I couldn't separate the two and that meant, for Gabriel, he wouldn't have all of me, at least all my trust. I couldn't hand it over until my mind could make sense of it. I have to know all the facts. Including, but not limited to, the name of my supposed soul mate. He definitely owed me that if we were ever going to get past the standstill between us.

  “If you allow yourself to look deep enough, Serenity, you already know the answer to that question. It is most obvious, though I have no idea why I did not become aware of it sooner. It is something I should have easily picked up on given its magnitude.”

  We were back to talking in circles again. He seems unable to give me a straight answer. What started out as something he would tell me in its right time, had turned into him believing that instead of telling me, I should just figure it out on my own. I’m beginning to see that living with angels, even in your mind is a gigantic pain in the ass. One I wasn't sure I wanted to deal with, even if it means saving Ryan from his fate.

  “You say it’s easy to see, yet you didn't see it. A powerful being such as yourself and you had no clue. So why not tell me and spare me the aggravation?”

  “It is true that I did not know, but given your earlier reaction to things I have said, I feel as though putting any more information out there will only cause more pressure for you. Your mind will more readily accept it if it comes to the realization on its own.”

  He’s right. It’s obvious I’m not processing much of what he’s telling me because of my lingering distrust of him. If I did figure things out on my own, the way my mind worked, it would definitely go over better.

  “Before I try and figure this out, I'm going to need a little more information. Do you think you can give me that much?”

  “It is not about being unable to give you the information you seek, Serenity. I only behave in this manner because I know that the more you come to realize on your own, the easier it will be for you to accept and come to terms with in the long run. I want you to believe everything I'm telling you, but I understand the reason why you cannot.”

  “How are you not my soul mate? If what we experienced with each other during the time you came to me is real, and I believe it is, why aren't you the other half of me?”

  “Father planned it differently. Your soul mate was made for you before your first lifetime. He has been with you in every lifetime since. Our bond was created later, before your third lifetime began, though I was not made aware until recently.”

  “So even though I can’t remember anything from the lives I lived before, you're telling me that the other half of my soul has been with me every single time, and you haven't been? If that’s true then who guarded me in previous lifetimes?”

  “Michael.”

  “Is it, Michael? Is that why you can't tell me? I know enough about angel lore to know who Michael is to you.”

  “You would be correct in your knowledge of Michael. He is my brother, but no he is not your soul-mate. The way you described soul mates earlier is important in this regard. It is you essentially. It will mirror you in every single way, aside from being the male counterpart to your female one. Michael has the ability to inhabit a human host, but he is not made of you. He was made long before.”

  The way Gabriel describes it, my soul mate being most like me, instantly makes me think of Ryan. I haven't exactly interacted with many people over the years and the only one that seems to jump out at me that’s male and most like me, either in physical comparison or in abilities, is him. Is that why he won't tell me? Because my soul mate happens to be a demon, something Gabriel has been trained to despise?

  “Ryan.”

  “No, though he does seem to manifest the image of one. He may very well be a part of your life, but he is not the one that your soul searches for throughout each lifetime. He has only been apparent in this one and you know the reason why.”

  Yeah I most definitely do. Ryan had been sent into my life this time to groom me to be Lucifer's bride. It was that cut and dry. As similar as he is to me in every way imaginable, Gabriel’s right, he couldn't be and it has nothing to do with angel and demon feelings for one another. That left only one other person, at least of the male variety and I’m almost positive it’s not him. If it’s to be the way Gabriel described it to me than he is actually the least likely candidate.

  “You've figured it out haven't you? You can't get your mind to agree, but you have become aware of it.”

  “The only thing I am aware of is that I have no idea who it could be. If it isn't Ryan, the person most like me, then I’m at a loss. Graham is nothing like me.”

  “You are wrong.”

  “What's that supposed to mean?”

  “The demon as you said, is the most like you, but you need to be able to open your heart and look deeper than that in order for the true answer to make the most sense. Ryan has the ability to make you believe anything about him that he sees fit. Whether or not he was truthful with you, he still did it under false pretenses, something that a real and true soul mate would never do. You would call to each other, be most open with each other, because you share the same soul.”

  “You're telling me Graham Hudson is my soul-mate?” I ask in utter disbelief. I kept imagining the way Gabriel explained it to me as well as what I knew of it on my own and I couldn't make it add up.

  “Even though I would like nothing more than to tell you what you want to hear considering the bond we share, yes.  That is exactly what I'm saying.”

  While I’m having a hard time believing it, my body seems to respond and recognize it as the truth. Maybe this is how it works between us. My mind is the most human part of me which explains why it’s having such a hard time coming to terms with it. Something my heart and the very soul inside of me know and recognize
instantly. It knows who its partner is.

  “Does he know? I mean, is he aware of it?”

  “No. He is much like you in that regard. Until this moment, you would never have believed it, though I can see by the way your body seems to have relaxed you are indeed aware of it on some level now. He is unaware of the bond between the two of you other than the more human aspects of it. You feel drawn to one another; caring and protective; unable to walk away. It is there on the surface, but neither of you had the knowledge to explain it.”

  It made me feel better knowing that Graham is as unaware as I am.

  “You know of my lifetimes, but do you know anything of his?”

  “I am not aware of all of the details, but I am sure that given some time I could find out as much as possible if you want to know more. When you came to earth as a prophet, your writings were all very biblical in nature. You explored the art of good and evil and ways to ward off the inevitable battle that waged on the horizon. You were known by some during that period as a heretic. You spoke truths that most people were not ready to hear. Graham is one of the people that believed in you. Before you began your own writings, he is the one that wrote the things you would see.”

  “So he was like my ghost writer?”

  “That's a very human way of describing it, but yes. The two of you worked closely together to the point where it became romantic. He crossed over from the same illness as you, though he happened to go first.”

  “What do you know about the second time?”

  “The second time is a little shadier. The two of you never got together, as your suicide prevented you from reaching your full potential. He was your manager at the time, a man that didn't have the best of intentions, though his adoration of you was pure and untainted. The man was very much in love with you and because of that became a better man after you left him. You altered his course. Where he should have taken a darker path upon your death, he went on to change the world through music, one artist at a time until his untimely death about twenty years later.”

  Sitting here able to hear that Graham had been a part of my life even though I had no memory of it amazes me. He had become such a focal point in my life this time around that hearing how he affected me in past lives only solidified my belief in what I already knew.

  “There's one thing I don't get. Has he had more lifetimes then me?”

  “Yes. He would return shortly after each life ended. For some, he wandered the world lost. Those were the times you were not there with him. He was even a murderer in one lifetime, but not for the primal reasons you would think.”

  “He killed someone?

   “In his search for you, he became close to a woman, one he believed in his heart to be you returned to him, though that wasn't the case. When she was attacked in an alley one evening, like a man on a mission he hunted those responsible and in the end, was the reason for their departure. Those two souls went on to reside with Lucifer.”

  Hearing his name sent shivers down my spine yet reminded me of the reason I was having this conversation at all. I have to help Ryan. I have to get him out of this.

  “He killed someone believing they hurt me?”

  “Two people and yes, but there’s more.”

  “What more could there possibly be?”

  “The very man that attacked Rosemary during Graham’s lifetime without you, was possessed by one of the most powerful demons in hell.”

  “Okay, well what does that have to do with me?”

  “The demon I speak of is a descendant of the very man you want to help.”

  Graham hurt someone close to Ryan?

  “What kind of descendant?”

  “He killed the vessel of Ryan’s biological father, Serenity.”

  “Graham killed Ryan's dad?”

  Gabriel nodded which did nothing to help the swirling of information spinning around in my mind. Graham had looked at Ryan in a way that I'd never seen him do before. Is it possible that even though neither of them had been in contact with one another in this lifetime, they were predisposed to be wary of one another?

  “I could easily find out what you're thinking, but I don't want to invade you in that way, so please Serenity, tell me what you are thinking.”

  “I need to find Graham.”

  Having heard all of the information I could handle, not even caring that Gabriel hadn't given me a response on whether he would help me fight against Lucifer to save Ryan, I made my way to the door. If Graham really is my soul mate then he needs to know.

  I will not keep this from him.

  Gabriel called out to me as I opened the door, but I wasn't in the mood for him to stop me. I had to find Graham and make him understand everything I just learned.

  As I made my way from my room, I came face to face with the very person I’d been hoping to find.

  “Graham! It's you.”