Used

by Kate Dunbar

  “Okay, that’s it.” Micah shoves everything to the other end and lifts herself onto the table next to me, blonde bob swinging around her face, forcing her way into my space. “What in the hell is going on? You haven’t been yourself for weeks. I’ve tried to give you space. Bring you chocolate.” She gestures to the table behind her. “But something is wrong. What’s up?”

  I look at my hands and decide if anyone will get it, it’s Micah. “I’ve told you before I didn’t have the best childhood.” I stand and walk to the other side of the table to avoid looking at her, snatching another cookie to shove in my mouth.

  “Yes, and you know I understand what that’s like more than anyone. But it’s never affected you like this before. I’ve never seen you like this. Did something happen?” She hops off the table and reaches across it to pick up her own cookie.

  I watch her break off a small piece and nibble on it, weighing if I should share the latest news about my brother or if I should try to shake her off. Micah is the only person here who knows I have a brother. Except for Trevor now …

  But she’s the only one who knows he was in prison. And that my relationship with him was “not good,” as I explained to her my sophomore and her junior year when we became roommates. I’m tired of handling this on my own and not having anyone to talk to about it. She’s my best friend. If I can’t trust her, then who can I trust?

  “Sabra?” My eyes snap back to her face. “You’re doing that whole staring off into space thing again, and it’s freaking me out.” She tilts her head in my direction. “Like watching Stranger Things freak-out level.”

  “He’s out.”

  “Who’s out?” A tear slips down my cheek before she can go further, and her whole body goes unusually still. “Oh.” She moves to stand beside me again. “Lucas? He was released? When?”

  I raise my shoulders and hands. “A few weeks ago.”

  “Weeks? Why haven’t you said anything to me?” Shock and anger cross her face before understanding takes over. “I would have come to your apartment and brought more than chocolate. We’re of age, you know. I would have brought wine, and it sounds like you could use it.” She snickers and encircles me in her arms, pulling me into a hug. My tears come faster, streaking down my face. I should have known she’d get it.

  When I hiccup from trying to hold the ugly crying back, she withdraws, holding me at arm’s length, and throws me a lifeline. “Or weed. I know a guy. He makes the best brownies in town. The best of both worlds … chocolate and weed. It doesn’t get better than that, does it?”

  She drops her hands and grabs her phone from the table. “I’m going to call him right now. I can have that shizz in under an hour. We’ll go back to your house, eat some brownies, and drink ourselves into oblivion. Sound good?”

  “It sounds amazing.”

  “Great. Pack your stuff and let’s go.” I look at her in surprise. “What? You said it sounds amazing. Let’s go. I’ll totally get high for you, baby.”

  “I hadn’t realized I said that out loud.” I watch as she taps away on her phone. And then the giggles start. I can’t hold them back. “Wait. Are you actually getting weed?” I throw my last notebook back into my bag and look around for spying eyes.

  “Yep. I texted him. I’ll be at your house in an hour with everything.” She gives me a concerned look. “Are you okay to drive? Do you want to leave your car here and go with me to get the goods?” She wiggles her eyebrows at me, trying to make light of the situation.

  Micah doesn’t know how bad the relationship with my brother was growing up, but she knows enough. Her past has given her plenty of knowledge to be able to read between the lines. “Not good” means terrible in our world. She understands enough to grab special brownies and put her own plans and schoolwork aside for this. For me. I should have called her after the first phone call that morning with Trevor.

  “You’re doing it again …” She lightly touches my arm.

  “Sorry.” I roll my eyes. “I’m fine to drive. I’ll go home and make nachos and pop some popcorn.”

  We walk toward the elevator and hop on when we get to it. The doors are already open, like it was waiting for us.

  “Weird,” Micah mutters, pushing the button for the lobby. “Pick out a movie too. One of those cheesy 80’s or 90’s movies. Like Sixteen Candles or The Breakfast Club.”

  “Okay.” I laugh. “One night of cheesy nachos, even cheesier movies, and edibles coming up.”

  “And wine,” she whispers back at me as we walk into the library lobby. “Don’t forget the wine. It’s important.”

  “And wine.” I hug her neck and give a wave, turning in the opposite direction once we’re outside. “Thank you for this.”

  “Of course. This is what best friends do. See you in one hour,” she yells over her shoulder as she skips down the sidewalk. I shake my head at my crazy best friend and turn away, toward the parking lot closest to the library.

  I can’t keep the smile from creeping onto my face as I walk across the green to my car. The parking lot is a short distance away, but it’s a beautiful fall night. The air is crisp and clean and cool enough that when I pull in a breath it slightly stings my lungs in the best possible way. Like it’s cleansing me from the inside out.

  Which is appropriate because a cleansing is exactly what I need right now. What is it those crazy, witchy people use to rid houses of ghosts? The ones on those ghost hunter shows. Sage? Maybe I need to get some sage and call somebody to come do a cleansing of some sort. I wonder if it works on people. I don’t believe in those types of things, but whatever. I’ll do anything to keep this feeling I have right now from going away. Micah probably knows someone who knows someone who can get it. She always seems to know someone.

  I can’t put my finger on what this feeling I’m experiencing is, but I like it. Safety? Happiness? I’m not sure. But telling Micah that Lucas is out and free and—here, somewhere, has lifted a weight off my shoulders in a huge way.

  I pause halfway across the green at the fountain in the middle. It’s only 8:30 p.m., but the campus is dark except where the lamplights are scattered down the sidewalks. The fountain glows enough, making you feel a sense of security while still having this magical feeling. Maybe even romantic … if you were with the right person. The number of nights I’ve spent by this fountain over the past five years is staggering.

  I wonder what Trevor is doing right now. It’s been a while since I’ve spoken to him, and I miss him. I miss the way he smiles and how he always seems to know what to say to make me laugh, even when I don’t feel like laughing. I run my hand through the water, letting my thoughts wander a bit.

  I’m in my own little world, humming a tune from Hamilton and enjoying the peace, when a couple walks up and startles me out of my revelry. I peek at my phone and realize I’ve wasted twenty minutes walking halfway across the green and then standing here at the fountain. Micah is going to beat me to my place with the brownies if I don’t get a move on it. And she will give me her special death glare if I’m not ready and waiting with nachos when she gets there. I glimpse at the fountain one last time before heading to my car.

  The parking lot is darker in some spots than others, and I can’t ignore the notion that someone’s watching me again. It’s the same eerie feeling I had earlier at the library. I know it’s ridiculous, but I keep checking behind me and over my shoulder to make sure I’m alone. That nobody’s in the shadows following me. I’d say this is new because Lucas is somewhere out there again—and I don’t know where—but the reality is, I’m a woman. I was raised to look over my shoulder, be aware of my surroundings, and hold my keys in my hand.

  I see something white on my windshield when I’m a few feet away from my car, the corner of it kicking up in a dance as the wind picks up around me. I slow and come to a stop next to my beautiful red Mustang and stare at the paper waving at me. At first, I think it’s a ticket, but I haven’t done anything wrong, so that can’t be it.

&n
bsp; I see SABRA written in a sharp scrawl with a black marker, making a stark contrast against the white of the paper. It’s folded in half and shoved under my windshield wiper. The corner of it is crumpled and bent as if it was done in a hurry.

  Not recognizing the handwriting on the front, I realize it could be from anyone. A friend from another class or—I have no idea. I reach with shaking hands to unhinge the note, gaze intently at my name, and look around me, searching for some sign of who it’s from. But I don’t see anyone standing nearby or any headlights from cars pulling away. Whoever left it seems to be gone now.

  You won’t know unless you put your big girl panties on and open the damn note, Sabra.

  The note takes up most of the page, written in the same distinct and edgy font. I try to read it standing next to my car, but my eyes have a hard time making it out in the dim lighting. I shove my bag into the back seat of my car and climb into the driver’s side, locking myself in and leaving the overhead light on. Standing in an almost empty parking lot leaves me feeling vulnerable.

  I take a deep breath and gawk at the note in my hands, switching the radio on because the silence weighs on me and I can’t handle it. I turn the heat on to keep my arms and legs from shivering.

  Nothing is out of place when I look around. My book bag is in the back. My purse is on the floorboard of the passenger seat. The doors are locked. I give one final sweep of the area outside around my car and realize I can’t delay what I know I need to do, so I bow my head, open the note, and read what it says.

  My Sabra~

  It’s been too long since I’ve last seen you. I think about you every day and wonder what you’re doing. If you miss me as much as I’ve been missing you.

  I saw you earlier in the library, but your friend showed up, so I couldn’t say anything. The timing wasn’t right to remind you of what we had together. So instead, I left and decided to leave you a note.

  I miss you.

  I miss the way your eyes flash at me, and the way I can see every emotion on your face when we’re close to each other. I plan on us being close again someday.

  Until then, I’m forever …

  Yours

  CHAPTER NINE

  What in the fresh hell is this?

  I stare at the note in my hands and glance out the windows again. Turning the paper over, I look for a name—a hint of who might have left this on my car—before flipping it over again. Maybe it’s a mistake, and they meant it for someone else? Another girl with a red Mustang?

  Get a grip. How many Sabras do you think there are out there?

  I put the car in drive and look around the parking lot once more as I pull out of my spot. There’s no way I can sit here anymore. The campus sign shines into my window when I drive past it and out onto the main road. “Call Micah,” I say, hitting the Bluetooth button.

  The phone rings twice before Micah answers the phone. “What’s up?”

  “Did you leave a note on my car tonight?”

  “What? No. What’s going on?” She’s in her car, and the music that was blaring when she answered goes silent. “Sabra?”

  “You didn’t put a note on my windshield? As a joke?” My eyes fill with tears threatening to fall. I work hard to hold them back because once this dam breaks, it’s going to be a while before I come up for air.

  “No. Why would I do that? And I was with you for the last hour.” She pauses and silence engulfs the car. “Do you think it was left on your car by mistake?”

  “I thought of that, but unless there’s another Sabra at the college right now, I don’t think that’s the case. It has my name across the front, and the note starts with the words ‘My Sabra.’ It has to be someone who knows me.”

  “That’s weird. Maybe it’s a boy in one of your classes? Someone trying to be romantic and mysterious, but they aren’t aware of what’s happening with you, so they don’t know it’s going to freak you the crap out. It’s probably something harmless.”

  “Maybe,” I reply, shaking my head. She can’t see me, but I feel in my gut it’s more than that. “But what if it’s not? I mean, it mentions being close to me again as if we’ve been close to each other before. What if it’s my brother?”

  “Really?” Her voice gets higher. “You think your brother would be creepy and show up at the school? Did it sound like a brotherly letter? I thought you said it started out with ‘My Sabra’?” Micah sounds confused. “That makes it sound romantic. Why would your brother leave you something like that?”

  Shit.

  “No. You’re right.” I try to recover. Micah can know about my brother and the fact he scares the crap out of me. She can know our relationship was never normal. She cannot know how bad it was and still is. She can’t know the magnitude of how he hurt me. I’ll never be okay with her knowing the depth of it all. I won’t be able to handle the look she’ll give me or the thoughts I know she’ll have about me. It will do me in. She’s my best friend. Sometimes it feels like she’s my only friend. And I can’t have anything jeopardize that. I’ve already lost Trevor. I can’t lose Micah too.

  “I don’t know what I was thinking. I’m so freaked out all the time now that he’s out. My thoughts are a mess.”

  “Sabra, it’s okay to be freaked about Lucas getting out of prison. I’d say it’s even normal for you to feel that way.” Micah honks her horn and yells, “GET OUT OF THE WAY, MORON.” A short laugh escapes me. Micah is a horrible driver. “Sorry. This stupid idiot cut me off when I was trying to go through the intersection.”

  “Yeah, I’m sure it was their fault,” I mutter, trying to infuse some humor into the conversation. It’s threatening to take a turn in a direction I don’t want to go.

  “Shut up. This time it was someone else’s fault.” Micah laughs into her phone. “Seriously, though, I’m on my way to your apartment now with the brownies. I’ll look at the note when I get there, but I’m sure it’s no big deal. Just some boy trying to be cute. Maybe it was Trevor?”

  “I don’t know. I can’t see him writing me a note. And I’m sure you’re right. It’s probably no big deal, but …” I hesitate. Micah’s gone to so much trouble tonight, but I just want to be alone. I want to disappear in my apartment, take a hot shower, and scrub this gross feeling off me. I want to turn on HGTV and watch ridiculous, giant people try to buy little dollhouses they think will make them happy. And I want to fall asleep while I make fun of them in my head.

  Micah sighs, hearing my hesitation. “But you don’t want to do stupid movies and nachos and popcorn and secret brownies now.”

  “No. I mean, it’s not that I don’t want to do it. It’s that … I don’t know what I want right now.” I’m hedging. I know what I want, but I don’t want to hurt her feelings. She’s done so much for me tonight already.

  “Yes, you do. You’re just too nice to say it.” Micah lets things roll off her back again, like my crazy right now is no big deal. “Lucky for you, I can read even the sound of your voice by now.”

  “I’m sorry. I’m exhausted, and everything feels like too much.” I make it to my apartment complex and sit in the covered parking spot with my car still running. My leg jumps while I talk. I want to get upstairs.

  “I get it, Sabra. I do. Let’s make a deal, okay?”

  “Okay. What do you have in mind?” I’m wary. Micah usually tries to talk me out of my crazy plans, but you never know what’s going to come out of her mouth. She has weed-laden brownies in her car right now, after all.

  “I’ll let you off the hook tonight. But we’re going to have our girls’ night on Wednesday at your place. Deal?” She doesn’t wait for me to reply. “We need a fun night. You need a night with friends. Maybe I can call Trevor and see if he wants to join us with some others? Make it a party. Do something all together like old times.”

  “I’ll take a rain check, and we can do it Wednesday night. But I’d prefer it to be just you and me. Can we do that?”

  “Fine. But no backing out for either of us. N
o matter what or who comes up.” She giggles. “I mean it, Sabra.”

  “Based on my nonexistent social life right now, I think you’re safe. No backing out.”

  “Okay.” She sighs again. “Try to get some rest. And call me if you need anything.”

  “Night, Micah. Thank you for everything. I’ll text you tomorrow.”

  “Night, bitch.”

  The phone disconnects, and I listen to the beep echo through my car while I drop my head back against the seat. I’m so ready for this day to be over. The entire last month honestly.

  I grab my purse off the floor of the passenger seat and take a quick look around the parking lot before I step out. He’s shown up once. He can show up again.

  I think about leaving my schoolbag in the back seat and worrying about it in the morning, but I haven’t finished my monologue yet. And it still has to be in Alex’s hands tomorrow. So, I make the decision to scrap the monologue about Baby Sarah and write about my deep love for my Barbie dollhouse instead. I quickly grab my bag, lock the door, and jog toward the lighted stairway.

  No one is sitting on the steps tonight, which is a huge relief. I don’t know if I can handle anything else today. Enough is enough, and I need the universe to work with me right now. And I need a shower the way a Kardashian needs a mirror. I can almost feel the hot water beating on my back.

  I make quick work of unlocking the door and take a step to push it open, stopping when I hear a crunch under my foot. Looking at my feet, I notice a single yellow rose on the mat. I’d missed it when I walked up the steps, too busy looking around me to make sure no one was there to think of looking down.

  No. There’s no way. Surely, he wouldn’t … My thoughts are jumbled. I can’t seem to compute what is right in front of me.

  A single yellow rose.

  My favorite flower since I was a little girl. We grew them in the garden in our backyard, and I could see them from the window of my bedroom. We had a variety of roses, but the yellow ones were special. I would sit in my window seat when I was supposed to be reading and stare at the roses swaying in the wind. My eyes always went to the yellow ones. They brought me such joy. Right up until Lucas chopped them down with the chainsaw.