Return to Love

by Yasmin Sullivan

  “It did. We were supposed to be married in four years, and the four-year mark was coming up. Then I found out that I was pregnant—not planned and not for lack of being safe.”

  “That’s one hell of a wake-up call.”

  “It was for me, but I didn’t tell him. I tried to get him to take things more seriously, but the harder I tried, the more it seemed to only make him want to be a kid even longer. That’s when things got bad. He was skipping classes and running the streets with his boys even more. Nothing changed. But me, I knew I had to grow up or end up in my parents’ house again, and I wasn’t going to let that happen. When I realized I’d turned into a nag and when the arguing got bad enough, I called off the wedding and told him to leave. If he wasn’t going to grow up, I didn’t need him.”

  She shook her head to wake up from remembering the past and took one of the pillow cushions onto her lap, hugging it.

  “How were you going to do it on your own?”

  “I don’t know, but I was going to try. I was already out to show my parents I could make a life as an artist. I figured I’d just have to show him, too. I planned to raise the baby on my own, and if he ever grew up, so be it. But I wasn’t waiting to find out.”

  “That explains a lot about you. There’s an edge to you. Always working hard. Always keeping a bit to yourself. Always determined to figure things out on your own, alone.”

  “Well, some of it I didn’t have to. I lost the baby before I really told anyone and before I really started to show. My parents didn’t even know. I thought I would tell everyone after the wedding or at the wedding or something like that.”

  Jason scooped his arms around her and pulled her between his legs and against his chest, resting his chin on top of her head. It wasn’t a sexual gesture. It was a gesture between old friends when one needed solace, when one needed a shielded space from which to speak and in which to be heard. Regina put her arms over the ones that were wrapped around her waist.

  “I was alone when it happened. I ended up calling an ambulance, and they took me to the hospital, but nothing could be done. They never knew what went wrong.”

  “Oh, honey, I’m so sorry.”

  Maybe it was because she had cried with Nigel, but she didn’t cry now. She felt sad, but she could say it without the tears. It still hurt, but the hurt didn’t consume her the way it had before, when she had first confessed.

  “What about now? What does he want now? Why were you arguing?”

  Regina sighed. In order to answer that question, she would have to figure a lot of things out.

  “He wanted to take care of his children. He thought Kyle and Tenisha were ours.”

  “But you never told him. How did he know?”

  “Apparently, my college roommate told her boyfriend. Nigel found out from him a few months ago that I was pregnant when I graduated. It’s been over six years. How does he expect to waltz back up in here? But here he is, trying to be with me again.”

  Regina’s anger made her restless, and she sat up and turned to face Jason. This might have been a mistake because he peered at her quietly until her anger settled, then he asked her a question.

  “And you? How do you feel about him now?”

  It was startling because it was a real question, one she was unprepared to answer.

  “I don’t know. He makes me so angry that I want to be over him. But I don’t know.”

  “Has anything happened between you two recently?”

  Regina rolled her head to ease her neck; she hadn’t realized that she was so tense.

  “Ugh. Do we have to go there?”

  Jason’s wry look said that she couldn’t hide from him.

  “I already know the answer. Look, it’s been a long time since you’ve been with anyone. Right?”

  “Yes.”

  “It could be him, or it could be that you’re just lonely. Find out before you get caught up in something from the past that’s not meant to be.”

  “I think I already know. I think it needs to be over. I just need to convince him of that.”

  “If it’s really over, you’ll convince him,” Jason said.

  “I think I have, and if not, I’m sure I will.”

  She’d had enough.

  * * *

  Regina woke up the next day before the house had stirred. It was eight in the morning on a Saturday, and her cell phone was ringing in her purse. That could only be one person.

  “Hey, Mom.”

  She uncurled herself on Jason’s couch. It was a pullout, but she didn’t need the room and was comfortable on the thick, velvety cushions. She and Jason had stayed up talking, and he had gotten her a pillow and sheets before heading up to Ellison. They were going to have brunch together at ten near the studio so that she could change and open up by noon.

  “Hello, sweetheart. I hope you’re not still down about that little shop of yours. It’ll work out, honey. You’ll see. Do you need any money, baby?”

  “No, Mom, I’m fine. How are you doing?”

  “My knees get to bothering me, but other than that, we’re both just fine. Look, I’m calling because your father and I talked it over, and we’re coming down to help you move your things into your new place.”

  Her parents had moved from South Carolina to New Jersey her second year in college.

  “Mom, you just said that your knees were bothering you.”

  “I know, I won’t be able to move the heavy things, but I can do some of the packing up while your father helps you.”

  “I actually have a few friends who are willing to help. I’ll be okay.”

  Regina hated it when her parents treated her like an adolescent, but she also understood that this was their way of feeling involved.

  “No, we’ve done made up our minds. Now, when are you planning on moving so we can figure out when to come down?”

  To keep them happy, she would graciously accept their help with a few of the smaller things—not the heavy tile, finished boards, kilns or supplies. The movers would take care of the rest, and she and her parents would be able to spend most of their time enjoying one another. But she had to time it just right to make sure the heavy stuff was out of the way.

  “Let me call you back when I get home. I’m over at Jason’s now.”

  “So early?”

  “I came by last night, and it got late, so I stayed over.”

  “That’s good, sweetheart. I hate it when you’re out late at night. How is little Kyle?”

  “He’s as adorable as ever. You’ll see him when you get here.”

  “Here, say hello to your father.”

  “Hi, Dad. Mom’s roped you into coming down.”

  Her father laughed. “Yep, she got her mind set on it. We’re just gonna help you move some things. Won’t be no trouble.”

  “It’s no trouble having you visit, Dad.”

  “Good. We’ll be seeing you soon. Goodbye, sweet pea.”

  “Bye, Daddy.”

  Regina stood and stretched her legs. The house was still quiet; it was two hours before brunch.

  Talking with Jason had made her a little raw, and she wondered now about his question. What about her? How did she feel?

  She did want it to be over, and she was still angry as all get-out. But she had given in to Nigel, had even let herself be in a playful mood around him. Was she still just getting over him? If so, she needed to do so quickly. She not only had to get on with her life, she had to put it back together again.

  Chapter 8

  “You okay back there, Andre?”

  “Yup.” His little cousin was engrossed in the video game that Nigel had gotten him for the ride and didn’t look up. He’d been at it for almost an hour.

  “Those games were geni
us.” His cousin Michelle winked at him.

  “I’m surprised he hasn’t fallen asleep.”

  “If we were at home, he would have napped, but this is too exciting for him.”

  Nigel pressed the clutch, changed gears and stepped up the speed a notch as they cruised south on I-95. The car trip home was a chance to open up his two-month-old Lexus and see what she could do.

  His cousin Michelle needed to get some of her things from home, and he hadn’t seen his folks in a while. Rather than having her try to ship things, they had opted for a short trip home. They could pack up his trunk and most of the backseat to bring some of her things back up to DC.

  “How much longer until we stop?”

  They’d been on the road for four hours. It was an eight-and-half-hour drive to Charleston, but they had decided to make a real trip of it and spend the night in Raleigh.

  “About forty-five minutes, maybe less given the time we’ve made.”

  “That gets us in at three.”

  “Here, I got the movie listings online. Find us an animated film we can take Andre to.”

  “Really?” Michelle seemed surprised.

  “Yeah, why not?”

  “I thought you might want some time to yourself by then. I didn’t know you’d want go to a kids’ movie with us.”

  “Yeah, it’ll be fun.”

  Nigel had noticed that Michelle was always surprised by little things like that. Why wouldn’t someone want to go with them to a children’s movie? It made him wonder how bad her ex-husband had been and in what ways.

  They’d talked for the first hour, and he’d gotten to know her a little better. After that, conversation popped up from time to time, but mainly they turned up the radio and just cruised.

  Unfortunately, this part of the trek also made him think about Regina—how much he wished it was her that was riding with him to see his folks, how badly he’d messed up with her. His jealous tantrum had been childish. From her point of view, he’d probably regressed to the way he was before, when they were together in college. No wonder she didn’t want him now. Who could blame her?

  He had been a child then. And she had grown up. He’d loved her, but she wanted them to act like an old retired couple, and he was all for just having fun. He’d never cheated on her, but while she studied, he got too caught up with the party life at school, mooching off his parents and letting an education pass him by.

  They’d been in her apartment when she’d confronted him for the last time. It started as an argument he’d gotten used to. Why wasn’t he studying? When was he going to get serious? Then it turned into something else. If he wasn’t going to grow up, then he needed to leave. The wedding was off. She was crying. He was hurt and stunned.

  “I don’t need you,” she had said, “so get out—for good.” And he had. Now he could see only too well what had driven her to that. He could also see what he had lost, what he wanted back.

  If she had been with him in the car now, he could’ve pulled her over to his side of the seat, nestled her under his arm and rubbed her thigh while they enjoyed the ride.

  They pulled into the Raleigh Marriot City Center just as they’d timed it and checked in.

  “You guys freshen up, and meet me at my room whenever you’re done,” Nigel said.

  “We won’t be long. We just need a potty break. Sorry, I’m used to being around a little one.”

  “No need to apologize. Take your time.”

  Nigel took off his blazer, stretched from the hours of driving and lay back on his bed to wait for his cousins. If Regina was with him, they could have spent the whole afternoon making love in the hotel room—right on the bed he was lying on. They could have gone out to dinner when the sun went down and then taken a walk around downtown before it got late.

  Back then, he had known they were arguing, but he didn’t realize how bad it was or how much they were drifting apart until she’d called off the wedding and put him out. He didn’t actually live with her, but he spent more time with her and her housemates at their apartment than he spent in his dorm room, so it felt like being put out. It broke his heart. Whatever was wrong, he had still assumed that they’d always be together.

  He heard a knock at the door. “It’s just us,” Michelle said.

  “Ready to head out?” he asked. “Did you pick a movie?”

  “I think he’d like Where’s Wellington? It’s a new animated feature from Cypress. You don’t have to go unless you really want to.”

  “I really want to. Is that okay with you, Andre?”

  Andre nodded eagerly. Both of the adults chuckled. Nigel picked him up, anchored him on his hip and headed them down the hall to the elevator.

  Where’s Wellington? turned out to be the most fun he’d had in a long time. The movie was made to be amusing for adults as well as children, but Nigel was equally intrigued by interacting with Andre, who spent much of the movie on his lap, except when he got restless and climbed over to his mother.

  Nigel made sure he could reach the popcorn, held the soda for him when he said he was thirsty and tried to keep him relatively quiet. It made him understand what it meant to be an adult responsible for the well-being of a child. It made him miss the child he never had. After the movie, he gave Michelle some money, pressing her to take it, and they went shopping at the stores around the Convention Center to get gifts for the family they were about to see. They had heavy shopping bags, so they headed back to the hotel and had dinner there.

  By then, Andre was getting cranky.

  “I better go put him down. What time do we meet in the morning?”

  “I want to go to the fitness center and the pool before we go. Why don’t we meet at ten-thirty for breakfast and head out at eleven again?”

  “Works for me. You heading up now?” Michelle asked.

  He didn’t want to admit that he would feel alone in his room—alone without a specific person.

  “No, I think I’ll have some coffee before I head up. I have some work to do tonight, and it’ll keep me up for a while.”

  “Take care, then, cousin. And thank you for...the shopping.”

  “We’re family. You don’t have to thank me.”

  “Yes, I do.” She gave him a hug.

  While Michelle headed up to her room, Nigel went to the hotel bar. He didn’t really want coffee, but it couldn’t hurt, and he did have work to do that night. He took a seat at the long, curved counter and ordered his coffee.

  It wasn’t long before a woman came and sat next to him. She had on a revealing dress and high heels, and she leaned toward him, looking his way from one seat over. She had smooth, ebony skin and her neatly piled dreads were drawn up to the crown of head. She was actually a good-looking woman.

  She slid over to the seat next to him. “I’m here for a wedding. Do you mind the company?” she asked.

  “Help yourself. No bachelorette party to go to?”

  “No. That’s over. No naked men.”

  Nigel looked at her when she said it and found her staring at him. She had wanted to get a reaction out of him, to tell him something unexpected. He thought about a night of hot sex with a random stranger, no strings attached. He couldn’t say he wasn’t tempted.

  “I’m sorry to hear that.”

  She turned toward him on her stool, letting her foot come to rest on the back of his calf and looking directly into his eyes.

  “I was sorry, too.”

  Her offer was direct and unmistakable. It was nice being the one who was getting chased for a change. Nevertheless, Nigel had a decision to make.

  “Do you have any plans for the evening?” she asked and let her hand drop to his thigh.

  He had a decision to make very soon.

  * * *

  Back in his room, Nigel pull
ed out his laptop and tried to get some work done, but his mind was wandering.

  “Unfortunately, I have work to do,” he’d said and taken his leave, paying for his coffee and her drink.

  He had turned down an offer from an attractive woman, and why? Part of it was because he wasn’t actually a player; in fact, it had been a very long time—high school—since he’d been that kind of player.

  Mainly, though, he was invested in a woman who wanted nothing to do with him.

  “How’s that working for you?” he asked himself out loud.

  But at the same time, Regina was the reason he had actually been tempted to have a tryst. He wanted to be wanted, needed—even by some random woman. He wanted Regina to know that he was desirable again—to someone.

  It wasn’t until she had actually put him out in college that he had realized how little she had come to think of him. And that had made him think little of himself. It had made him take a good look at where he was and what he was doing, and he hadn’t liked what he saw.

  After a couple of months of wallowing, though, he started to tally up the figures, calculate what had caused him to lose her respect, her love. That’s when he figured out he was a year behind in school and would be even more behind if he flunked that semester. That’s when he woke up.

  He wouldn’t settle for a partial transformation. He cut off his so-called friends, threw out his CDs, discarded most of his wardrobe, left behind his urban vernacular. He found his schoolbooks, saw his professors, started trying to salvage what was left of the semester. He needed to prove to her that he could make it, really make it. He started plotting for success and all its trappings.

  Now, he had those things, and he desperately wanted to go forward with Regina. That’s why it had been so stupid to get jealous and act so childishly with her the other night. He’d seen himself devolve into what he was before—an immature kid. When he’d put that person behind him, he’d thought it was for good. He desperately wanted to go forward with her. But he had no inroad now, no reason to call her. Or none that she would listen to. Whatever plan he thought he had was not working, and it had turned into one big up-and-down circus ride.