Return to Love

by Yasmin Sullivan

  “You know this city pretty well for a South Carolinian,” Nigel commented.

  “My parents moved here when I was in college, remember?”

  “Yeah, I do now. I noticed how strong your mom’s accent sounds. We don’t notice it until we’re somewhere up north.”

  Regina smiled. “I know. And notice how we’ve lost ours? Assimilationism.”

  They both chuckled.

  “I hope my mom didn’t put you off.”

  “No, don’t worry about it. She has every right to be angry with me after all that happened. Did she know about...the pregnancy?”

  A sternness came into Regina’s face, and he almost wished he hadn’t asked. “No.”

  The severe look on her face made him let it go, even though he wanted to say more.

  “I’m sorry,” she said. “It’s a sore spot. But don’t take my parents too much to heart. It was a bad time for me.”

  “I thought I knew that, but now I understand even more.”

  She didn’t say anything else, so he let it go, and they started on their last errand.

  Regina knew the city, but she didn’t know the grocery store. It took them a while to complete the list, but they liked feeling that they were helping out. They also threw in a few extra items: some meats, a selection of gourmet cookies, some nutrition-boosting drinks for her father.

  When they got back to her parents’ house, her father was awake, and Regina went up to sit with him for a little while. After an hour or so, she called down to Nigel.

  “Yes. What can I do?”

  “Come up and say hello to my dad.”

  Nigel took a breath and climbed the steps to Regina.

  “Knock and go in,” she whispered.

  He did. Mr. Gibson was propped up in bed with his eyes closed. He opened them to look at Nigel when he entered but then spoke with them closed.

  “Come in, Nigel. Sit for a moment.”

  Nigel went in and took the seat next to the bed.

  “Good evening, Mr. Gibson. How are you feeling?”

  “I’ve had better days. Still sore from the surgery, but it looks like they got everything. Took some pain medicine when I got up about two hours ago.”

  “I hope you feel better soon, Mr. Gibson.”

  “Now, what are you doing with my daughter again?”

  He hadn’t even tried to soften the blow. Nigel wasn’t prepared for the question, but he knew he had to answer with the truth.

  “I love your daughter, Mr. Gibson. She’s the only woman in the world I want to be with—if she’ll have me. I don’t know that yet. But I want to find out.”

  He opened his eyes to look at Nigel for a moment and then closed them again.

  “You cracked her heart open before, boy. You know what it’s like to see your own child cry, and you can’t do nothing about it?”

  Nigel’s mind went to the child that hadn’t come to be, and it made the question real.

  “No, sir.”

  “I won’t let you hurt her again. Know that.”

  “I won’t, sir. I promise.”

  “Good. Keep that word. A man is his word.”

  “Yes, sir.” Mr. Gibson was quiet after that. “I’ll let you rest, sir. Let me know if you need anything.”

  “Good night, boy.”

  Nigel headed downstairs. He felt like he’d been grilled again, but he also understood why. In fact, he understood why even more now. When Regina called off their wedding, to him, it was like being put out. But to her? Even though she was the one to call it off, it had hurt her in ways he hadn’t understood then, and then the baby... Being here only emphasized to him the real extent of her pain.

  He looked at Regina, who was sitting on the couch talking to her mother and aunt. She smiled at him as he neared. He wanted to talk to her, but it would have to wait.

  They took Aunt April to dinner and then to do a little shopping downtown before the stores closed. She didn’t need anything, but she wanted to get out a little bit while she was visiting her brother up north. After that they sat and talked with her mother, watched one of the movies they’d gotten and turned in.

  It toyed with his urges to be sleeping in the same house with Regina when he couldn’t hold her, but he also understood what it meant that she had let him come see her family and stay overnight.

  The next day they let Nigel sleep in until after ten o’clock.

  “You needed to get your rest, son, all this driving,” Mrs. Gibson said.

  “I’m usually up early. I guess I did need it.”

  “Here, take this up to Mr. Gibson before you head out.”

  “Head out?”

  “We’re going to get everybody brunch,” Regina said.

  “Hold his head while he drinks it. Then leave it on the table.”

  Nigel took the cup of nutritional supplement upstairs and knocked on the door before entering.

  “I have a drink for you, Mr. Gibson.”

  “Come in.”

  “I’m supposed to hold your head while you drink,” he said, propping the older man’s head up with his hand and holding the cup to his mouth. It was a little awkward, especially after the talk they’d had the day before, but being asked to do it made him feel that they’d started to forgive him—both Regina’s mother, who had asked him to do it, and her father, who allowed him to do it. “Just let me know when you’ve had enough.”

  “There. That’s good. Thank you, son.”

  “I’ll leave it here for you. Do you need anything else?”

  “Find me something on the television.”

  Nigel sat down, found the remote and started flipping through channels, not sure where to stop.

  “Here’s Law and Order. Do you like that?”

  “Not right now.”

  “Here’s a Western. How about that?”

  “That’s good. Leave it there. Thank you.”

  “We’ll be back soon, sir.”

  “Good.”

  Nigel went back downstairs to find Regina smiling at him again, and they headed out to the restaurant in his car.

  “What’s the smile for?” he asked.

  “I’m just glad to see that my parents have mellowed out about you.”

  “Yeah, I guess they have. I wonder why?”

  “I don’t care why,” she said, “as long as they stop the cold-shoulder routine.”

  “It’s understandable.”

  “They should get over it.”

  He turned to her, seriously.

  “Can you get over it?”

  She waved the question away, but he couldn’t let it go.

  It came up again when they stopped for lunch on the three-and-a-half-hour ride home.

  “Reggie, can we talk?”

  “Yeah. What?”

  He reached across the table and took her hand.

  “I tried to say this before at your parent’s house, but we were busy, and we couldn’t just sit down and talk. I hurt you. I hurt you more than I realized. I guess I thought that because you had been the one to call things off, you couldn’t be as devastated as I was. And I didn’t know about losing the baby. I didn’t know that I wasn’t there when you were going through that. And your parents didn’t know, so they weren’t there. You were alone.”

  She sighed. “I was.”

  “That’s why you can’t forgive me. But I’m sorry. I never meant to hurt you that way. I never meant not to be there.”

  “I know.”

  “I’d do anything to make those things up to you, if I could. I just need you to know that.”

  “Okay,” she said.

  “Okay.”

  They finished their lunch in silence and then got back on
the road.

  Could she forgive him? It was the question that would determine his future, but he couldn’t bring himself to ask it out loud. He couldn’t face all the possible answers, especially because underneath that question was another. Could he forgive himself?

  As they drove, Nigel drew her closer to his side and took her hand in his. They were quiet. With her warm body near his, all he could think was how much he loved this woman, how glad he was that she was next to him, how much he wanted to have her in his life.

  Chapter 15

  Regina had just finished teaching a mosaics class at the school of one of her friends, an art teacher, and she got home to find that she’d missed another call from Nigel.

  Regina was beginning to worry. She had been wrong about Nigel; or rather, she had been right. She had always thought that he was smart and that he had potential. But now she was starting to get used to seeing him, starting to want to see him, and that bothered her. After their past, she had to be the stupidest person in the world for even still talking to him. She remembered his question. Could she get over it?

  It was one thing when it was only physical. Now he had met her friends, had visited her folks, was getting along with everyone. And worse, she liked it that he did. It was getting muddier and muddier. She’d been ignoring his calls for a few days and was determined to put a bit of distance between them. She picked up the phone and called him back. It was time to put on the brakes.

  “Hey. Can you talk, or are you still at work?”

  “I’m between clients. I can talk. I need to know why you’ve been avoiding me, not returning my calls. What’s going on? Wait, do you want to have dinner tonight and talk in person?”

  “I can’t. I’m seeing Jason and Elli tonight.”

  It wasn’t an excuse. She did already have plans.

  “Then tell me now. Why are you avoiding me?”

  “I’m not avoiding you. I just don’t want to get too dependent, too serious.”

  “Too serious?”

  She heard the surprise in his voice.

  “Yes. We’ve been seeing a lot of each other. I don’t want it to become...”

  “To become?”

  She couldn’t find other words at the moment, so she repeated herself.

  “Too serious.”

  He paused for a second and then sought clarification.

  “You think we’ve been getting too close, talking too often, seeing each other too much?”

  “Yes.”

  He was silent. When he spoke again, his voice was softer.

  “Don’t you enjoy our time together?”

  “Yes, maybe too much.”

  She regretted the words as they came out of her mouth. She had given away her own state of ambivalence and confusion. She hurriedly tried to cover her tracks.

  “I don’t want us to get too attached. I can’t go back there, remember? I need to put on the brakes.”

  She heard him sigh.

  “I guess things have been going pretty quickly recently. We can slow it down. Let’s go out next week. How about Thursday? I’ll call you on Wednesday, and I won’t nag you by phone until then. How’s that?”

  She didn’t have a reason handy to say no.

  “Okay.”

  “I’ll get us tickets for something, and we’ll have dinner. Sound good?”

  “Okay.”

  “Reggie.”

  “Yes?”

  “I’ll have some news on the application by then. I just got one response. The news is good so far. The one we really need, though, the one who works at a bank—he needs more time. It’s taking longer than I thought.”

  “I know. Has Amelie gotten you the last pieces of information you said you needed to update her personal finances?”

  “No, she hasn’t. But with this delay, it doesn’t really matter.”

  “And with no space as yet. I’m still looking.”

  “I know. We can talk more next week.”

  “Okay.”

  * * *

  Nigel hung up the phone. When he’d called her name, he’d wanted to say “I love you.”

  He’d been worried about her. Now, he was glad that she was all right, but he had to deal with her putting on “the brakes” when his body ached for her.

  “Too much,” she’d said. She enjoyed their time together too much. This woman loved him and didn’t want to love him. Maybe he should understand it after how much she’d been hurt, but he wanted them to have passed that already. It felt like they were past that already.

  He’d wanted to tell her again that he loved her, but instead he’d diverted their attention to the business proposals and loan application. He needed to give her an update about that anyway, before she started asking. But he didn’t want that to become the only reason they saw each other.

  He wanted to talk about it more.

  He would see her next Thursday. Until then, he would just have to wait.

  * * *

  Regina met Jason, Ellison and Kyle at a children’s restaurant out in Maryland where they had planned to have dinner and play with Kyle. She got lost on the way there and was late, so Kyle and Ellison had already eaten, and Kyle was already playing in a ball pit by the time she got there. Ellison was at the side watching him and waved at her when she came in.

  “Have you eaten, too?”

  “No,” Jason said. “I’ve been waiting for you.”

  “Sorry I’m late.”

  They ordered burgers when the waitress came around, and then Jason got down to the real talk.

  “So?”

  Regina sighed. She knew what he was quizzing her about.

  “So we decided to be friends.”

  “With benefits?” He raised a brow. He already knew the answer.

  “Well, yes.”

  He swallowed his bite and leaned across the table. “What I saw wasn’t just friends.”

  “I know. It’s way out of hand. I don’t actually know what to do.”

  “What about what happened before? Are you over that?”

  She shrugged. “I don’t know.”

  “Do you like being with him now?”

  Regina didn’t want to admit it but had to. “Yes. But I don’t want it to get serious. I don’t want to get back in a relationship with him.”

  “What I saw was already a relationship.”

  “I’d been ignoring his calls for a few days. It is like we’re dating, but that’s not what I want.”

  Jason was very matter-of-fact. “You want to be friends with benefits.”

  She shrugged. “I guess.”

  “And if he wants more?”

  “That’s the problem.”

  He eyed her closely. “You seem to like it when it’s more.”

  “That’s a problem, too.”

  Jason laughed. “Girl, you’re confused.”

  “That’s a problem, too.”

  They both laughed.

  Then Jason got more serious. “You may not be able to have it both ways, sweetie. It sounds like you need to make a decision.”

  Regina sighed and toyed with her French fries. She knew that Jason was right.

  Chapter 16

  Nigel picked Regina up on Thursday at seven. He’d gotten them tickets for an eight o’clock show at the Arena Stage, and he’d found an all-night diner on Connecticut Avenue where they could have a late supper afterwards.

  It would have been better if they could start with dinner so she wouldn’t get hungry during the show, but he had to work a bit late doing the books for two companies that were merging. Regina didn’t seem to mind.

  She was dressed for a night at the theater when he got to her door, and she smiled at him. S
he seemed delighted to be going out. It wasn’t what he had expected after her talk about them needing to slow down, but then, she had always been the type to get excited for a night out. He hoped she was delighted to be going out with him.

  She had on a strapless white cocktail dress. The top was crinkled and hugged her body down to her hips. From there it flared out into a wide skirt that was covered in organza and ended above the knee. Along with that she had on a matching organza shawl and high-heeled strappy silver shoes. Her hair was piled in newly set curls on the crown of her head, with a studded barrette holding it in place. She was nothing short of a vision.

  There was a slight reserve about her at first, but when she found him staring at her, speechless, she opened the shawl out behind her and twirled slowly on her heels, grinning, all reservation gone.

  “You like?”

  “You’re gorgeous.”

  She laughed, made a hop. Then she just smiled.

  He was still frustrated over the moratorium she’d put on their seeing one another, but in the face of her playfulness and obvious cheer, he started to forget all their troubles.

  “We haven’t really been out before, have we?” he asked.

  She looked puzzled.

  “I mean just out to have a good time, not to do something else.”

  She thought about it. “I guess not.”

  “Well, this will be good for us then. I hope you like the show.”

  “I will. What is it?”

  He chuckled.

  “You can’t say you’ll like it if you don’t know what it is. It’s called Shooting Star. It’s a musical about a Black woman who’s struggling to become a singer. I guess it’s in line with Dreamgirls.”

  “Sounds good. Let’s go.”

  He was proud to have her on his arm when they entered the theater and pleased that despite what she’d said the other day, she seemed happy to be with him. Throughout the show, he kept his arm around her, and she leaned over in her chair to nestle against him. During one of the musical numbers, they were bobbing together in unison, their heads almost touching. They looked at each other and broke out laughing. He kissed her forehead and pulled her closer.

  After the show, they headed to the diner.

  “I’m sorry to bring you to a diner in such a lovely gown. Most places are closed already.”