Totlandia: The Onesies, Book 1 (Fall)

by Josie Brown

  Then why didn’t he smile more? Why wasn’t he more attentive when she talked to him?

  She looked at her son. If the instructor was right, was she a bad mother for not realizing it earlier?

  Lorna took it from the woman’s hand. “You mentioned a doctor who works with children with—with those disorders. Whom would that be?”

  The woman opened the desk’s drawer and pulled out a business card: David Remfeld M.D. Pediatric Neurology

  She was relieved to see it wasn’t her own pediatrician, since her niece, Lily, was also her patient, as were most of the children in the PHM&T Club.

  This afternoon she’d call Dr. Remfeld’s office for the first available appointment.

  He would put all her qualms to rest.

  Not that she had anything to worry about. Dante was perfect. Her little Renaissance man. But just in case.

  Tuesday, 30 October

  Dr. Remfeld’s office within the UCSF Pediatric Autism and Neurology Clinic was painted in calming tones of pale greens and blues. The furniture was casual and well upholstered, similar to what one would find in an upscale resort. Colorful learning toys were scattered about in order to entice the children whose parents waited anxiously for assurance that their children were all right.

  Had her mind not been so shocked at the results of Dante’s tests, had her heart not been breaking from the doctor’s assessment—that Dante would never feel joy or love like other children—Lorna might have certainly been more appreciative of the setting.

  Well, now she knew why Dante was oblivious to it as well.

  As the doctor explained that Dante’s tests had indicated autism, she realized all her hopes and dreams for him would never come true.

  “He’s too young for us to determine the severity of his disorder.” Dr. Remfeld’s voice was soft and soothing for the life sentence he’d just delivered. “We’ll test him every three months. And there are simple exercises you can do with him that may strengthen his cognitive responses. These only improve his rote skills, but still—”

  Lorna nodded, as if to show she understood what he was saying.

  Did it matter? The bottom line was Dante didn’t belong.

  He’d never belong. Anywhere.

  She didn’t know how she was going to break that news to Matt.

  Of course once she did, he’d tell Eleanor, his rock, his place for solace.

  When that happened, Dante would no longer be her favorite.

  And Bettina would use Dante’s affliction to kick them out of the club; to have him ostracized in the eyes of the other mothers and children.

  Lorna couldn’t let that happen.

  Now she had the most important reason in the world to stay on Bettina’s good side: for Dante’s sake.

  She’d keep the news to herself. Even Matt couldn’t know. For now, anyway.

  She’d wait for just the right time to tell him.

  The thought that one could ever presume there might be a “right time” to hear your child had a neurological disorder that would keep him from living a normal life had her convulsing with laughter. By the time her hysteria gave way to tears and curses, a nurse was knocking on the door asking if there was anything she could do to help.

  Lorna already knew the answer to that.

  Wednesday, 31 October

  As far as Bettina was concerned, the Halloween Party was an unmitigated disaster.

  First off, most of the costumes were unimaginative. Trite even. If you’ve seen one fairy, you’ve seen them all, right? And not any one fairy can win a prize, or the others would expect one, too.

  As the PHM&T group paraded along with the rest of the annual Union Street Halloween festival, it became obvious that the most imaginative costumes were those of the Probationary Onesies. Except for Quest’s little lamb get-up. It might have been organic and eco-friendly, but it was also boring.

  Bettina winced at the thought that their successes would make it even more difficult tomorrow when one of them would have to be cast aside.

  If it were up to her, the loser would be Jade.

  Not only did she have an awful sense of style, she was unimaginably naïve. How could she actually believe that Bettina liked her?

  While it was fun to taunt the others with the favoritism she showed the Pierce woman, the simple fact of the matter was that snuggling up to Jade allowed her to get as close as possible to Brady Pierce.

  That way Art could also get close to Brady. Maybe even close enough to manage his money for him. In a financial management firm like Lichman Parker Bowles, bringing in the Pierce estate could make the difference between junior and senior partner.

  She nudged Art as Jade came into sight. “That’s the wife! The woman in the black cat suit.” She almost added, “The one that looks like an Avenger slut,” but since half the women out tonight would be in some version of that same costume, she thought better of it.

  Art scanned the marchers. His smirk made it obvious that he had found Jade. “Scarlett Johansson, where have you been all my life? She can avenge me anytime!”

  Bettina didn’t nudge next, but poked. Hard. Between two ribs. “Don’t blow this, Art. We need the money too badly.”

  “If you really think so, then don’t accept every invitation you get to sit on some charity committee. Those donations and ten-person tables are breaking us. Not to mention the cost for every new designer gown you buy for those shindigs.”

  “Don’t blame me! Those charities are how you meet clients, remember? Now if you could only keep your hands off their wives…”

  She stopped, only because something caught her eye: Dante’s Robin Hood costume. It looked exactly the same as the one on Kelly’s little Wills.

  Art must have seen her, too, because he did a double take. “Hey, isn’t that Kelly Bryant, your old girlfriend from Lick?”

  “Yep, that’s Kelly Bryant Overton all right.” Bettina prayed her voice wasn’t trembling.

  “I didn’t know she was in your club.”

  “She’s a Onesie proby. Gee, I’m sure I’d mentioned it.” She hadn’t, but that was beside the point.

  How could Lorna do that to her? The traitor.

  “No, I would have remembered if you had.” Art’s laugh was half-hearted at best. “And by the looks of it, she and Lorna are buddy-buddy.”

  That bitch.

  When her application had come in, Bettina thought she was strong enough to put up with her shenanigans. Now, she wasn’t so sure.

  She’s always wanted what I have! It’s just not fair.

  But no, not this time. I’m going to have so much fun crushing her.

  She felt a tap on her shoulder. She turned to say hello to Dr. Remfeld who ran one of UCSF’s children’s clinics. She’d forgotten which one, there were so many of them over there, and she sat on the boards of at least three.

  Maybe Art was right. They were much too generous. Saying no didn’t give her the same high as saying yes, but it would have to do. At least until he landed the Pierce estate.

  ***

  The parade should have been a happier event, but for the Probationary Onesies there was too much riding on it.

  For Ally, it didn’t help that Barry showed up to see Zoe in the parade—holding hands with Christian. She didn’t have the heart to scold him for forgetting that he was playing her beard in this little charade. At the same time, Ally prayed Joanna didn’t see them when they kissed Zoe and told her she was the prettiest peacock ever, and she squealed, “My dadas!”

  ***

  Lorna was happy to see her mother-in-law, Eleanor, standing next to Matt, waving at her and Dante. Well, Eleanor was waving at Dante anyway. But Bettina’s scowl was a bit disconcerting.

  What have I done now? Lorna wondered.

  Then she saw him: Dr. Remfeld. And he was talking to Bettina.

  Lorna’s heart sank in her chest.

  ***

  Because her last customer lingered over dessert, Jillian’s shift ran late, and she and
the girls almost didn’t get to walk with the Onesies who were up at the front of the parade. That would have been a disaster. The way Mallory glared at her, she presumed she’d blown their chances. All for a six-dollar tip.

  ***

  With Jade’s budding friendship with Bettina, Brady thought he didn’t have a worry in the world—until Madame Ovary inched her way through the crowd and pinched his ass. Just then, Jade looked up. When Brady saw the strange, sad look on her face, all he could think was, Oh shit…

  ***

  Jade felt sure she’d locked up one of the coveted slots—until she looked out into the crowd and saw one of her customers from the Condor Club standing right next to Bettina. What the hell was he doing here? And now he was looking right at her—and whispering something in Bettina’s ear!

  Instinctively, Jade looked over at Brady. Why was he frowning at her?

  ***

  The Onesies girl winner was a legacy’s daughter. Ally and Jillian shrugged away their disappointment. Zero Bettina Badges there. All they could do was bide their time until tomorrow to hear if they were still in the club after whatever slights they’d given Bettina or any of the PHM&T’s applications committee.

  The Onesies boy winner was an easy call: Oliver Pierce.

  Lorna’s disappointment must’ve been evident, because Bettina whispered in her ear: “You cut your odds in half when you teamed up with Kelly. What the hell were you thinking? All I can say is if you get voted down, don’t blame me.”

  Oh yeah, Lorna thought. Who else would I blame?

  Ironically, the first name that popped into her head was Kelly.

  She wished she knew why.

  Thursday, 1 November

  “Omigod!” Mallory crowed. “So many infractions! Look, I’ve done a chart.”

  The names were listed horizontally along the top with the date and infraction beneath it.

  “That’s stupid,” Joanna said. “Half of those are in your imagination, Mallory.”

  “Yeah, agreed,” Kimberley said. “Besides, you can’t count ‘brought Fruit Roll-Ups as a snack’ the same as ‘has shown up late at least six times.’ I mean, come on already, at least grade the level of infraction.”

  She had a point. Jade’s Fruit Roll-Ups had been worth a week of chortles. But Kelly’s lateness—which could run more than thirty minutes each time—was a slap in the collective faces of the club’s members.

  Sally turned pale as she thought of Chakra’s infraction. If her name was already on Mallory’s chart and Sally didn’t speak up about it first, Mallory would accuse her of a cover-up.

  And enjoy doing so.

  Then Sally would be banished from the club, too.

  She had just started to scan the chart for Chakra’s name when Mallory snatched it away. “Grade them? No way! The worst probationer is obvious, trust me. It’s—”

  Before she could say another word, Sally shouted, “Chakra bought Quest’s costume! I…I saw the bag and receipt…and everything. I just wanted it noted, for the record.”

  Everyone turned to stare at her.

  Mallory shook her head in awe. “Wow. Didn’t see that one coming. Although I did think it strange that a PETA member would dress her kid like a little lamb, and then not drench the costume in red paint or something.”

  Aw hell, Sally thought. I outted her for nothing?

  Bettina couldn’t believe her ears. If Chakra’s infraction was by far the most serious, then her one chance to get rid of the woman who was making her life a laughing stock was about to go out the window.

  She couldn’t let that happen.

  “I think Kimberley has a great point,” Bettina said. She snatched the infraction chart out of Mallory’s hand, then threw it back at her. “Mallory, read each probationer’s demerits, and we’ll each grade them, on a scale of one to three, three being the most egregious.

  Mallory smiled. “Everyone, grab a paper and pencil! We’ll start with Jillian. During the Onesies’ inauguration gala, she broke Rule Number 1443 of the PHM&T Membership Manual: ‘No one will solicit another member for the purchase of anything.’ I personally witnessed her selling her stroller to another mother! What does she think we’re running here, a second-hand baby gear flea market?”

  Bettina shrugged. “Granted, she hadn’t received her manual until after she sold the stroller. And she did give part of the proceeds to our fundraiser. Nevertheless, the transgression will count against her. These clueless newbies! Let’s see what other demerits she’s earned, shall we?”

  Mallory marked the sheet with a check. “Then there was the time she called to say her twins were sick with some contagion, but that very night she left them at another member’s house so she could go out on the town with her husband! I guess they weren’t so sick after all…”

  Friday, 2 November

  It was a gray morning. Overcast was normal for the start of San Francisco’s rainy season, but today was bleaker still for the Probationary Onesies as they awaited news of their fate.

  They gathered around the designated picnic table in Alta Plaza Park. Lorna found it ironic that it was the same table where, some three months ago, Dante’s Pampers had flown out of her hand. So much had happened since then.

  At least Bettina wouldn’t beat around the bush. Her justice would be quick and cruel.

  Even if it were toward her own nephew.

  Each of them felt the same, and had come to accept the possibility that today they may be the one ousted.

  “In reviewing your participation, I have to say that I found more to be dismayed about than I’d expected.” Bettina paused dramatically. “But I’m sure that for those of you who will be joining us over the next few months, you’ll finally find your rhythm in our mother-and-child symphony and strike a few chords that resonate with the rest of us.”

  She scanned each face, slowly. “If you leave here today, know it’s because you’ve broken our trust in such a way that we could not just forgive and forget. To do so would cause the biggest scandal this club has ever seen—”

  The probationers’ winces were plainly visible.

  Bettina had hoped that would be the case.

  “—and it would not be fair to our members to suffer through it, because of what you did—”

  The intake of breath could have been mistaken for one more gale force wind blowing through the park.

  “Chakra, you may go.”

  Chakra?

  Ally, Jillian, Jade, and Lorna couldn’t believe their ears.

  So, that was the “big scandal” that would cast ruin on the club and its members?

  Bettina was rattling on about Chakra’s costume: something about it being store bought…

  Chakra’s goodbye to the group was swifter than Bettina’s dressing down. It was a one-finger salute, and a quote from Shakespeare: “A plague on all your houses!”

  Bettina made a note to herself to have the garden tilled under, just in case Chakra retaliated with natural pesticides.

  Perhaps they’d move the garden to an undisclosed location.

  Better yet, they’d take the children to the Pier One Farmer’s Market instead. The mothers would rejoice because it provided less opportunity for the children to dirty their clothes.

  A storm lurched out of the sky and over the park, breaking up the meet-up.

  “Kelly, would you mind staying a bit?” Bettina’s voice was smooth as honey. “I’d like to have a word with you, in private.”

  Kelly smiled and nodded.

  Is she Bettina’s new favorite, Jade wondered. If so, is it because the Condor Club client informed Bettina about my time as a pole dancer?

  But that can’t be. If Bettina knew about it, then I would have been the one who was let go!

  For some reason, he hadn’t.

  Relief flooded her like a cold sweat. Suddenly she felt light-headed and happy. “Hey, why not come over to my house for hot cocoa,” Jade suggested to the others.

  Ally, Jillian, and Lorna were feeling j
ust as euphoric. They’d survived the cut! Their secrets were safe.

  For now.

  Their cars pulled up at Jade and Brady’s house around the same time. A strange car, a Lexus, was in the driveway.

  Maybe not so strange. At least, Lorna thought she recognized it. “That car belongs to a PHM&T applications committee member. I forget which one, but I recognize the license plate: ‘Gr8Mama’.”

  No one wanted to say out loud what they were thinking, or why: Had the application committee learned that they’d ousted the wrong member?

  Squirming children in hand, the women slowly walked to the door.

  Jade brought up the rear, for good reason. Why was the woman here, so soon after the meet-up? she thought miserably. At least Brady is home. He’ll know what to say to the woman. He’ll know what to do.

  Brady had a gift for charming women.

  They all knew it. Especially Jade.

  Lorna stopped before opening the door. “Listen, before we enter, I just want to say one thing. No matter who they dump, I refuse to let their decision dictate my feelings toward any of you. I like you, and I hope we’ll continue to be friends.”

  Jade clasped Lorna’s hand. They could barely hear her husky whisper. “Thanks, Lorna. I’ll always remember you said that.”

  Jillian nodded adamantly. She was too choked up to talk, but her eyes sparkled with her tears.

  Ally laughed. “Yeah, well, my sorority hazing was worse. Besides, we’re all in this together, right? No matter what. That’s what friends are for.”

  The same thought crossed each woman’s mind: Friends. That was the goal of acceptance to the club wasn’t it? And I need friends in my life, now, more than ever.