For Rhuine

by AJ Summer

  “Madi, fuck! What were you doing?” Joey, not Rhuine. Poor fevered, sick Joey. Why couldn't he just mind his own fucking business?

  “Get off me!” I push him away from me harshly and untangle my legs from his body. We’re all twisted together like a psycho pretzel. The suicide queen and the toy gun robber.

  “Madi, wait!”

  But I don't wait. I run. I run to my room and slam the door. I'm breathing heavily and I'm close to having a meltdown. “Why won't you come?” I whisper loudly. But only silence surrounds me. I pound my even beating heart and I wish I could just rip it from my body, but it’s the only thing close to Rhuine that I have left. I slide down the door and crumple to the floor.

  When I wake a little later, my body feels worn out and I'm chilled from lying on the cold floor. I couldn't have been asleep for long because I can still hear the normal hum of voices in the passage. I sit up slowly and straighten my legs. Maybe it’s time I accept that Rhuine is gone? If I could just remember what happened between the time he left my room and me waking up in the corn field. Perhaps then I can move on from this. Whatever this madness is! I don't want to stay at Green Hill forever. I want to have a life. It would be a pretty pathetic one without Rhuine in it, but at least I wouldn't be surviving from dosage to dosage.

  I get up off the floor. There's a coffee station in the kitchen and I can really use a distraction right now. I open my door and peer out. No one I know is hanging out in the hall so I step out slowly. If Joey or Evie's mom told anyone about what I did, it won't be long before one of the nurses, or even Dr P, come check on me. Maybe I'll go back to the North Wing? I shiver at the thought. I hate the North Wing. It's a cold, quiet place. You never see any of the other patients but the worse part, most of the time they keep you so medicated you can't even remember what day it is. No, I'm staying on the semi-sane side, thank you.

  Evie and her mom are sitting on her bed. Her mom is brushing her hair. I don't want to linger in case she asks me why I jumped in front of her car. I'm sure she won't be impressed with my ghost boy story.

  Joey’s in his room. He has his back to his open door. He holds up a black shirt and inspects it. He tosses it onto his bed and then starts pulling off the grey one. My favorite one. I get a glimpse of his naked back and step closer. The tail end of a black tattoo slowly appears and I take another step forward. I'm not breathing anymore. By the time the grey shirt is off, I can see Joey's entire back. It's covered in black ink. Tribal swirls cover his shoulders down to where his black boxers start. The swirls are divided into two arc's, one each side. Each pattern swirls together to form a pair of wings.

  “What are you?”

  “I'm your angel Madi, and you are my mate. I was supposed to look after you. I failed. This is the price I pay. Be strong.”

  The memory is fuzzy but I remember it from that night. I fell off the bridge? I clutch my head trying to hang onto the fading images. Rhuine had the same tattoos, but how would I know that? Rhuine was an angel? Angels don't die, he has to be alive.

  “Joey! You have tattoos?” I blink my eyes rapidly, making sure I'm not seeing stuff again. But the inky pattern is still there. “Joey!” I call again. I'm standing inside his door now. He adjusts the black shirt and turns to face me.

  “Yeah, I do. What's wrong with that?” Joey shrugs like he didn't just prove something major to me.

  “How long have you had them?” My legs are shaking so badly I think I might fall over.

  “A couple of years?”

  “How many is a couple? Sixteen years?” Rhuine had his marks since I saw him at age five for the first time.

  “Don't be crazy, Madi, I'm twenty-one now. Children don't get tattooed.” He laughs at me and moves about his room. He adds a few things to a bag on his bed.

  “When is your birthday?”

  “What's with the questions? It's the twenty-first-”

  “June and you were born into a shower of stars, right?”

  “Right.” Joey angles his head and looks at me. “What's going on with you?”

  “How did you know I was going to jump in front of that car?” I'm the question firing squad now. He has to admit it. He has to be Rhuine!

  “I don't know. I just went outside for a smoke. Saw you on the road.”

  He is acting so weird, like I'm making him uncomfortable. And Joey has seen me at my worst. This is pudding compared to that. Joey picks the bag up and swings it over his shoulder.

  “You're leaving!” I'm screaming now. And Joey is looking like he wants to be anywhere but here. Yeah, I bet he doesn’t want to kiss me now, does he?

  “I was released this morning.” He runs a nervous hand through his hair. “Look, Madeleine, I don't know what you think all of this means, but I'm not your friend. I'm not that guy. You take care of yourself, okay?”

  No, it’s not okay! He has to be Rhuine. The warmth, the tattoos, the birth date - it all points to him!

  “No. Please? Please don't leave.” I sob, but still the words rush from my mouth. I'm going to lose him again. I won't survive if he leaves me.

  Luke catches me just before my knees hit the floor. He secures his arms around me and speaks softly into my ear. He is telling me it’s okay. That I'm going to be okay. But I won't! I will never be. I'm a fucking mental case and no one can solve me, not even myself.

  “I'm sorry, Madi,” Joey says and maybe he does look sorry but that doesn't stop him from leaving.

  Joey doesn't look back, he just walks away from me and out of my life. Nurse Theresa pulls on my arm and I don't fight her when she taps the vein there. I don't want to be awake anymore, it hurts too much.

  THREE WEEKS LATER

  I spent a week in solitude, just me and my room in the North Wing, and the black rose Luke said he found in my room. Just the rose, no note. That first week, the rose was my only hope. I clung to it like my next breath. The truth is it could’ve been from anyone, but maybe it was from him. From Rhuine. And that kept me going. Luke and Dr P were my only visitors, only because Luke had to bring my food and Dr P had to make sure I was still alive in that locked room. I think my family has finally realized I'm a lost cause. Who doesn’t visit their child when they have a major break down? My parents. They deserve some kind of reward for being heartless assholes.

  I spent another week so medicated that I couldn't even remember my own name. But I remembered him, and that's what kept me holding on. It wasn't enough. The longing was too great. The medication lifted me high, so high I felt I could touch heaven and catch a glimpse of my missing angel. But then it brought me crashing down so slow, I could taste hell and my dependable heart burst open, split and spilt me full of deceit and lies, of how I was never good enough for Rhuine.

  By the third week I decided that I'm going to end it. Every day I hoped that this was the dosage that killed me. That the medication would lull me to sleep and I'd never wake up. But as the dosage of the medication became less and less, to slowly bring me back to reality, the memories intensified.

  “We were born together. You to your earth parents, me, to my heavenly ones.”

  “We were fated to be together, Madi.”

  “I'm an Angel.”

  Me on the bridge. Me falling, dying. Rhuine bringing me to life. My Guardian Angel. Me waking up in the corn field.

  I started longing for sleep, for each dream that would take me closer to final realization. I wanted to dream forever. I survived that third week purely because I was with Rhuine. In my dreams we were together and he was real.

  Dr P has given me one last opportunity to finish my assignment. I want to finish Rhuine's story. I want to finish mine. This is my last week at Green Hill. I won't be leaving here alive.

  ***

  I'm back in my old room at Green Hill. I guess I passed Dr P’s test and now I’m normal enough to socialize with the lesser crazies of Green Hill again. I’m lying on my bed waiting for lock up so I can finish Rhuine's story. Genevieve is pleading with the new guy to leave h
er room door open for a while longer. It’s almost good to be back. Old Stan is now officially retired, there's a new guy in his place. A real sour puss. I don't like his face. Luckily, I won't have to put up with him for long.

  “Goodnight,” Sour Puss huffs from my door.

  “Night.”

  After Owen drops me off at home, I stumble up the steps and into my room. My eyes immediately go to the rafter but Rhuine isn't there. Why did he leave the bar after he asked me not to leave with Owen? Was it to warn me, because he knew Owen was going to miss the red light?

  I turn on the shower and stand on wobbling legs in the hot spray. It was a stupid idea to drink so much tonight. I wash myself, careful not to overbalance in my inebriated state. After I'm sure I'm as clean as I'll get, with the use of only one hand I grab a towel and step into my room. Still no Rhuine. My stomach does a somersault and I dash for the toilet. I'm never drinking again! It was a stupid, stupid idea. After the entire contents of my stomach is firmly deposited into the toilet bowl I get up and rinse my mouth. I grab a toothbrush and paste, and scrub my alcohol tainted mouth. With my mouth all minty fresh I almost feel better.

  Evie's soft sobs carry through the thin wall of our room. I missed hearing her after spending three weeks in the North Wing. It’s eerie how silent it is on that side considering that it’s where they keep the real nutters. The more violent ones. The ones that need a constant eye on them. Me.

  I rap my knuckles on the wall and call her name, “Evie.” Nothing but soft sobbing from the other side. “Evie,” I try again.

  “Madi?” she asks from behind the wall.

  “The one and only,” I say with a small smile, even though she can't see it.

  “I'm glad you're back,” she says and I can hear a little sniff at the end.

  I wish I could say the same but Evie doesn't need to know that. I've always wondered why she cries at night and I've never really cared enough to ask her. But now that I know I won't be around for much longer, maybe I should just ask.

  “Yeah,” I finally mutter. What am I going to say to her now? I can't just go back to Rhuine's story after calling her.

  “Why are you so sad, Evie?” I cringe at my forwardness but once the words are out I feel better. There wasn't really any other way to do it.

  She's quiet for a long time. I'm starting to think she fell asleep.

  “I just hate being myself. I wish I was someone else. I hate everything about me.” Her voice breaks at the end and I fear she's going to start crying again.

  “I don't really like myself either.” It's the truth. I'm a miserable person.

  She doesn't say anything.

  “I'm a selfish, hateful person. Most of the time I wish I could just die. But I don't. I'm stuck here when the love of my life is somewhere else.” I stop there because I'm not sure how much of what I remember I'm ready to share with her.

  “Are you talking about Joey?”

  Joey? Why would she think I'm talking about him? Probably because everyone saw my little meltdown the day he left and then I spent every day in the North Wing for the last three weeks, until Luke brought me over for lock down tonight. I can just imagine the kind of gossip that followed my exciting departure. Well, at least I’m here now to set them straight. I guess if I'm a little honest with myself, I can admit that maybe there was something more to me just thinking that Joey was Rhuine. I felt connected to him. At times I even wanted him to kiss me. To just take all the confusion away. Joey seemed able to do that. At least that's what I thought, until he left.

  “No, not Joey.” I shake my head but then I stop because it’s stupid, she doesn't have x-ray vision.

  “But my point is, one day you are going to find something about yourself that you like. Like me, I'm strong.” I know I'm strong, but she doesn't need to know that I'm not that strong or that I'm thinking of killing myself. This is about helping her, not me.

  “I like to sing.” Evie sounds almost shy when she says it. I had no idea. She's not much of a talker.

  “Yeah? Let's hear it then,” I encourage from my side of the wall.

  “Oh, okay.” It's quiet again. Nothing but the sounds of a sleeping Green Hill. Then she begins,

  “In the arms of an angel, far away from here...”

  I wonder if Evie chose this song because she knows how much it'll mean to me. There's no way she can know. I've never told anyone that Rhuine told me he was an angel. I only remembered that part while in the North Wing. Maybe she just likes the song. Maybe it’s a sign. Fate even. What do I know? She definitely has the voice of an angel. Her voice reaches higher than I could ever try to go without squawking like a sea gull.

  “May you find some comfort here…”

  When she finishes the song my eyes are wet and my heart is shattered. But I still give her the praise she needs.

  “You have a beautiful voice,” I whisper, just loud enough for her to hear, because, honestly, my words are stuck in my throat. They don't want to go anywhere. They’re hiding from the world, along with all my feelings. I touch the wall and close my eyes, hoping that sleep will come soon and wrap me in a beautiful dream.

  But this night, instead of my dreams being filled by the beautiful face of Rhuine, they are haunted by the weirdest shit ever. I say weird, because I know weird and this totally tops the charts of weirdism.

  I’m walking down a darkened passage, I’m not afraid. I’m surprisingly calm. I don’t feel lost but I’m not sure where I’m going either. When the skin on my arms tingle with the appearance of little goose bumps, I run my hands over them. It’s not cold, something else put my senses on alert. I peer into the darkness, searching, for what I’m not sure, but it’s there, hidden in the shadows. I can feel it.

  When a rush of warm air touches my neck I whirl around, fully expecting to find Rhuine, but instead I find, Joey. Is it Joey? Everything about him looks like Joey. The hair, even his smell. Yet, somehow I feel like I’m seeing someone else, something else. Something very close to Rhuine. He just stands there, staring at me with the most intense, glowing amber eyes I’ve ever seen.

  “Joey?” I ask softly.

  “Madi,” he answers, without his normal cheeky grin.

  “What are you doing here?”

  Joey takes a step closer to me, his eyes glowing even brighter now. The last thought echoing in my brain is that I’ve been in this situation before. Just as I think it, the glow intensifies, wrapping me in its reddish glow, all sense of fear or rational thought leave my mind.

  My eyes flutter closed, my breathing hitches and a slight tremble courses through my body as I feel his warm breath on my lips. I wait, holding my breath, the ghost of a touch on my lips not even a tickle. After a moment longer, and him not doing anything, I open my eyes, but Joey is gone. A single white feather floats suspended in the air, I exhale softly and my breath gently pushes it to the floor. I’m standing in an all white room, much the same as my room at Green Hill, but this floor is a huge chess board. I’m standing with one leg on a black square and the other on a white. Ranga appears on the other side of the board and I bend down on one knee to call him over.

  “Ranga? Come here, kitty.” My voice echoes dully around the empty space.

  Ranga droops his head to the side and gives me a curious look before lowering his head. When he lifts it again, his eyes are the same color as the one’s I stared into just a minute ago. They burn with the same warm amber intensity. What the hell? I take a tentative step forward, but I’m stopped by Rhuine yelling an ear splitting “No!” in my head.

  His voice snaps my eyes open and I struggle against the tangled sheets around my legs. What the heck was that?

  The next two days kind of just wrap together as I settle back into the semi-sane side of Green Hill. I haven’t had another nightmare but that doesn’t stop me from thinking about it. How messed up was that dream? And what did it mean? Or was it just my brain playing tricks on me again? I don’t know, but I’m so sick of all this uncertainty alway
s swimming in my head. Thankfully, Evie has been singing to me every night. She doesn't cry anymore. I'm not sure what she's going to do when I'm gone, but I really hope that she keeps getting better. She's just finished her song and said goodnight when I pick up my phone to add the pieces that I remembered while I was in the North Wing.

  I drop the towel and pull my kitty-paw-slash-polka dot covered pajamas from my drawer. I put my arm in the sleeve-

  “I wouldn't do that if I were you,” Rhuine whispered from behind me. His voice was a sexy tease this time. I could already feel his heat radiating against my back. “Happy Mate Day, Madeleine. Tonight, I make you mine forever.” His voice was rough, but soothing and I swayed from the sound or it could've been the alcohol, but I'm pretty sure it was Rhuine.