Book Read Free

The Click Trilogy

Page 35

by Lisa Becker


  From: PBCupLover – November 1, 2012 – 9:07 AM

  To: Renee Greene

  Subject: Re: Arrival!!!!

  To again take a page from the Renee Greene playbook,

  From: Renee Greene – November 1, 2012 – 9:08 AM

  To: PBCupLover

  Subject: Re: Arrival!!!!

  LOL!

  From: Renee Greene – November 1, 2012 – 9:10 AM

  To: Shelley Manning

  Subject: Re: Fwd: Arrival!!!!

  You are the devil!

  From: Ashley Gordon – November 1, 2012 – 11:50 AM

  To: Shelley Manning, Renee Greene

  Subject: Fwd: Re: Arrival!!!!

  Thank you, Shelley. That’s truly the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me. I’m EXHAUSTED. Renee can fill you in on the delivery.

  From: Renee Greene – November 1, 2012 – 12:25 PM

  To: Shelley Manning, Ashley Gordon

  Subject: Re: Fwd: Re: Arrival!!!!

  Ashley went into labor at around 9:00 in the morning. Like a smart girl, she called me immediately so I could activate the phone tree I set up for her. (Insert your sarcastic eye roll here, please.) Yes, I know that’s a bit “Mark-like” but, trust me, it was a life saver.

  Anyway, we activated the phone tree. (Fine. I’ll allow one more eye roll!) Ashley’s folks, Greg’s folks and his brother, Mark and Cassidy, and of course Ethan, all showed up to the hospital. And then we waited. And waited. And waited. It seemed like FOREVER, but was actually about 14 hours.

  She got an epidural about 10 hours in and proclaimed loudly, “god bless the anesthesiologist” after he delivered his magical elixir. Surprisingly, she only gave about 10 good pushes before Miss Siobhan arrived.

  And Shel, the pictures just don’t do her justice. She’s so gorgeous! I whispered in her tiny ear, “Auntie Renee will be your favorite Auntie. If I have to buy your love, I will.” I swear, she smiled. Maybe it was gas. But I’m considering it a smile. Little Miss already knows where her bread is buttered.

  From: Mark Finlay – November 1, 2012 – 1:30 PM

  To: Greg Gordon

  Cc: Shelley Manning, Ashley Gordon, Renee Greene, cassidy, PBCupLover

  Subject: CONGRATS!!!!

  I can’t wait for Cass and I have to have a few of those of our own. Congrats again, guys.

  From: cassidy – November 1, 2012 – 1:35 PM

  To: Mark Finlay

  Cc: Greg Gordon, Shelley Manning, Ashley Gordon, Renee Greene, PBCupLover

  Subject: Re: CONGRATS!!!!

  ditto!

  h’s & k’s,

  cassidy

  From: Shelley Manning – November 1, 2012 – 2:20 PM

  To: Renee Greene

  Cc: Ashley Gordon

  Subject: Re: Fwd: Re: Arrival!!!!

  Sounds fantastic. Again, so sorry to have missed it. I will be back into town in another day or two and will swing by your place to meet Siobhan. In the meantime, enjoy her!

  What did you get as a push gift?

  From: Shelley Manning – November 1, 2012 – 2:21 PM

  To: Renee Greene

  Subject: Fwd: Re: CONGRATS!!!!

  Finnidy’s kids?!? GAG!

  From: Renee Greene – November 1, 2012 – 2:21 PM

  To: Shelley Manning

  Subject: Re: Fwd: Re: CONGRATS!!!!

  Behave!

  From: Shelley Manning – November 1, 2012 – 2:21 PM

  To: Renee Greene

  Subject: Re: Fwd: Re: CONGRATS!!!!

  Make me!

  From: Renee Greene – November 1, 2012 – 2:22 PM

  To: Shelley Manning

  Subject: Re: Fwd: Re: CONGRATS!!!!

  Oh, don’t get me started!

  From: Shelley Manning – November 1, 2012 – 2:22 PM

  To: Renee Greene

  Subject: Re: Fwd: Re: CONGRATS!!!!

  Oh, I’m getting you started!

  From: Renee Greene – November 1, 2012 – 2:22 PM

  To: Shelley Manning

  Subject: Re: Fwd: Re: CONGRATS!!!!

  I will make you!

  From: Shelley Manning – November 1, 2012 – 2:22 PM

  To: Renee Greene

  Subject: Re: Fwd: Re: CONGRATS!!!!

  I’d like to see you try!

  From: Renee Greene – November 1, 2012 – 2:23 PM

  To: Shelley Manning

  Subject: Re: Fwd: Re: CONGRATS!!!!

  I’ll do it.

  From: Shelley Manning – November 1, 2012 – 2:23 PM

  To: Renee Greene

  Subject: Re: Fwd: Re: CONGRATS!!!!

  You and what army?!

  From: Renee Greene – November 1, 2012 – 2:23 PM

  To: Shelley Manning

  Subject: Re: Fwd: Re: CONGRATS!!!!

  Don’t make me come down there!

  From: Shelley Manning – November 1, 2012 – 2:23 PM

  To: Renee Greene

  Subject: Re: Fwd: Re: CONGRATS!!!!

  Bring it!

  From: Renee Greene – November 1, 2012 – 2:23 PM

  To: Shelley Manning

  Subject: Re: Fwd: Re: CONGRATS!!!!

  What are we, seven?

  From: Shelley Manning – November 1, 2012 – 2:24 PM

  To: Renee Greene

  Subject: Re: Fwd: Re: CONGRATS!!!!

  I knew you’d blink first. I win! And if that makes me seven, so be it.

  BTW, looking at the time stamp here, I notice what an incredibly fast typist you are. Why didn’t I know that before?

  From: Renee Greene – November 1, 2012 – 2:28 PM

  To: Shelley Manning

  Subject: Re: Fwd: Re: CONGRATS!!!!

  Yes, I am a VERY fast typist. I tried out for the chorus in 9th grade and the choral teacher told me I had a “terrible voice.” As someone who has heard me sing (remember college karaoke?), you know what I mean.

  I was devastated! All of the cool kids, who I desperately wanted to like me, were in chorus. I was forced to take…typing. Yes, typing! I officially learned the “a s d f j k l ;” style of typing. I got pretty good.

  Clearly the teacher knew best, although at the time, it was tough pill to swallow.

  From: Shelley Manning – November 1, 2012 – 2:35 PM

  To: Renee Greene

  Subject: Re: Fwd: Re: CONGRATS!!!!

  Another middle school indignity! Does this madness ever end? Well, leave it you to take lemons and add them to a beer.

  From: Renee Greene – November 1, 2012 – 2:37 PM

  To: Shelley Manning

  Subject: Re: Fwd: Re: CONGRATS!!!!

  Adding a lemon to beer? If you did that, my heart would sing. But thankfully not my voice. Trust me. As we’ve just established, no one wants to hear that.

  From: Shelley Manning – November 1, 2012 – 2:39 PM

  To: Renee Greene

  Subject: Re: Fwd: Re: CONGRATS!!!!

  True! I have heard you sing on several occasions. Not to put salt in your wounds (I will save that for the margaritas we’ll make after our beers), but you are a bit wretched in the vocal talent department.

  From: Renee Greene – November 1, 2012 – 2:40 PM

  To: Shelley Manning

  Subject: Re: Fwd: Re: CONGRATS!!!!

  Hey now! I wouldn’t go so far as to say “wretched.”

  From: Shelley Manning – November 1, 2012 – 2:43 PM

  To: Renee Greene

  Subject: Re: Fwd: Re: CONGRATS!!!!

  I love you, Sweetie…a ton! You’ve got SO many talents but singing just ain’t one of them. I’m surprised Cassidy hasn’t sent us a video of cats wailing after hearing you sing.

  From: Renee Greene – November 1, 2012 – 2:45 PM

  To: Shelley Manning

  Subject: Re: Fwd: Re: CONGRATS!!!!

  Only you could find a way to insult me (and yes, I am insulted) and laugh uncontrollably at the same time. I better get back to work. I’ve got a new biz pitch in New York on Monday and have lots to d
o. Call you later.

  From: Ashley Gordon – November 1, 2012 – 10:12 PM

  To: Shelley Manning

  Cc: Renee Greene

  Subject: Re: Fwd: Re: Arrival!!!!

  Push gift?

  From: Shelley Manning– November 2, 2012 – 9:11 AM

  To: Ashley Gordon

  Cc: Renee Greene

  Subject: Re: Fwd: Re: Arrival!!!!

  You know, a gift from the hubby for pushing the baby out.

  From: Ashley Gordon – November 2, 2012 – 3:13 PM

  To: Shelley Manning

  Cc: Renee Greene

  Subject: Fwd: Re: Arrival!!!!

  The only things I got from pushing out Siobhan were hemorrhoids!

  From: Shelley Manning– November 2, 2012 – 3:16 PM

  To: Ashley Price

  Cc: Renee Greene

  Subject: Fwd: Re: Arrival!!!!

  I’d get pushy and demand some diamonds, girl!

  From: Ashley Gordon – November 2, 2012 – 11:12 PM

  To: Shelley Manning

  Cc: Renee Greene

  Subject: Fwd: Re: Arrival!!!!

  Sounds like a great idea…once I have the energy to spare. Did I mention how EXHAUSTED I am? Goodnight all…or so I hope.

  From: Renee Greene – November 3, 2012 – 1:15 PM

  To: Shelley Manning

  Subject: Life Advice

  As you know I’m on my way to New York for a new business pitch on Monday. I’m sitting on the plane trying to avoid work when I came up with the brilliant idea to provide Siobhan with some life advice. You know, all of those little tips and tricks to make things easier. Might as well let my sweet angel learn from my experience. I’m planning to put it into a letter to her detailing how very much I love her. Here’s what I have so far. Anything to add?

  Never refuse a breath mint when one is offered.

  Always do what you commit to do.

  Never take credit for someone else’s work.

  Never ask someone if they’ve lost weight. Just say, “You look great!” Per #3 above, this is from my friend Pat.

  Never pass a lemonade stand or bake sale without making a purchase.

  If you don’t vote, you can’t complain. Exercise that right!

  Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should.

  Pay off your credit cards every month.

  Always tell someone if they have lipstick on, or food in, their teeth. It may feel awkward, but trust me, they’ll appreciate it.

  Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear your fancy clothes. Don’t save it for a special occasion. Today is special.

  Don’t follow the fads when it comes to your hair style. Go with what looks best on you.

  Always eat a little bit of junk food before you fly; you never know what might happen.

  Never do anything you wouldn’t want Auntie Renee to see on the front page of the newspaper.

  Always have an earthquake kit in your home with enough water and canned food for 5 days.

  If you put everyone’s problems in the middle of the room, most people would choose their own problems. Always choose to be grateful for what you have.

  From: Shelley Manning – November 3, 2012 – 1:35 PM

  To: Renee Greene

  Subject: Re: Life Advice

  You CLEARLY have too much time on your hands.

  I know you are trying to make sure Siobhan doesn’t turn out to be a negative, judgmental pain-in-the-ass like Ashley. (And yes, I acknowledge you wouldn’t put it that way, but let’s face facts, okay?)

  But c’mon! Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should? I’ve had a lot of memorable nights (and mornings and afternoons for that matter) doing what I can. Now I’m not advocating that little Siobhan become the school slut, but let the girl have some fun, will ya?

  Speaking of which…Never do anything you wouldn’t want Aunt Renee to see on the front page of the newspaper? First of all, by the time Siobhan will understand what this means, newspapers will go by the way of the VCR, computer mouse and fax machine. Second, I want her to do things that would make Aunt Shelley proud too.

  Always eat junk food before you fly? Can you say PARANOID? Earthquake kit? More paranoia?

  You know I love you, Sweetie, but…

  From: Renee Greene – November 3, 2012 – 1:42 PM

  To: Shelley Manning

  Subject: Re: Life Advice

  Points (not well, but) taken…except for the earthquake kit. We as a civilized society are only three missed meals away from anarchy, my friend. Chew on that!

  Ethan is always making fun of me for having an earthquake kit both in the hall closet and the garage. If the big one strikes, I’m not going to share my giant, Costco-sized jar of peanut butter with him.

  In fact, I will be the only person in history who gets trapped in their home for weeks but doesn’t lose weight, as I binge on canned beans.

  From: Shelley Manning – November 3, 2012 – 1:47 PM

  To: Renee Greene

  Subject: Re: Life Advice

  Only you could turn a natural disaster into self-deprecating put down. If the big one strikes – and not the sexual kind – I’m heading over to your place. All this talk of peanut butter and beans is making me hungry. Running down to the cafeteria for a quick bite. Safe travels. Mwah! Mwah!

  From: Renee Greene – November 3, 2012 – 2:24 PM

  To: Shelley Manning

  Subject: Mr. Bubble

  Wow! Wow! Wow! You are NOT going to believe what just happened to me. You’re honestly the only one I can tell. Ethan is not to hear about this, okay?

  This happens to be the weekend of the New York Marathon. The flight is packed.

  I’m waiting at the back of the plane to use the bathroom when the best looking man I’ve ever seen in person got up and stood next to me in line. He was so gorgeous. I honestly couldn’t believe it. He was wearing a retro Mr. Bubble t-shirt. I only tell you this so from here on out, we can call him, Mr. Bubble. (Dontcha like how I’m hijacking your nickname trick?)

  Anyway, Mr. Bubble and I started chatting. He told me he heard there were going to be nearly 100,000 tourists in New York for the event. I playfully say, “tourists or terrorists?” He laughed and we talked about the state of the world, my fear of flying, etc. Eventually, the bathroom became free and I got in to use it. After I finished, I passed by him and said, “Nice chatting with you. Enjoy your time in New York.”

  I went back to my seat and closed my eyes to try and nap when I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Mr. Bubble! He asked me if I considered myself an adventurous person. I wasn’t quite sure how to respond when he asked if I want to join him in the bathroom. AGH!

  Me?!? Join him in the bathroom?!?

  I was literally awash with emotion:

  - Flattered – the best looking man I’ve ever seen wanted to join the Mile High Club with me – at least I’m assuming he would be joining. Yikes! As I write this, I think that maybe he’s already a member. He strolled up here rather confidently.

  - Embarrassed – oh my! Propositioned by a complete stranger to have sex in a public place. Again, oh my!

  - Guilty - for even giving this a half millisecond of thought. I would never cheat on Ethan. Never!

  I told him that I was engaged and he said that he was, too. EW! I said thanks anyway, but I needed to pass. After he walked away, I jostled the woman sitting next to me, who had her eyes closed, to see if she had by chance overheard what just transpired. To be frank, I wasn’t quite sure I was processing the entire encounter accurately. But she had really been sleeping. I told her the story and pointed out Mr. Bubble. She said she would have gone into the bathroom with him. EW again!

  I’m literally shaking as I type this to you. Is that not the craziest thing you ever heard?

  From: Shelley Manning – November 3, 2012 – 2:45 PM

  To: Renee Greene

  Subject: Re: Mr. Bubble

  Wow indeed! So much to respond to. I’ll start at the top
, which is probably NOT where Mr. Bubble would have started. Zing!

  First: Love that you’ve adopted the nickname thing. Nice to see my influence finally rubbing off on you one way, if not another.

  Second: Of course Mr. Bubble wanted to tap that. How many times have I told you how awesome you are? I’ve seen you turn on the charm, you little minx, you. But chatting up a good looking man on a plane? I can see why you want to keep this from Ethan. Honestly, there’s nothing wrong with some harmless flirting. Don’t you worry. This secret is safe with me…unless I really need to blackmail you. ;)

  Third: Don’t mean to “burst your (Mr.) bubble” but sex on a plane is not all that it’s cracked up to be. HA! I “crack” myself up. But really, those bathrooms are very small. Unless you’re a contortionist, it’s hard to find adequate space to really get it on. And believe me, I’ve tried.

  From: Renee Greene – November 3, 2012 – 2:51 PM

  To: Shelley Manning

  Subject: Re: Mr. Bubble

  And likewise, so much to respond to…

  Zing!? That’s new. Where did you pick that up? Nick?

  And speaking of Nick…blackmail me?!? I think not. If anything, I have so much dirt on you, which I think a certain boyfriend would be very interested to hear about. So, if anything, I’m blackmailing you. Take that!

  Finally, your efforts to find a comfortable place to do it on a plane are just TMI. But again, knowing there have been multiple efforts just gives me more ammunition for the blackmailing efforts.

 

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