“Mm-hmm.” I say with so much hurt in my voice, I sound like I mewed. I look away to keep him from seeing the tears in my eyes.
He stands up and I see him hesitate, it’s so awkward. I began walking towards him and he avoids me, instead walking towards the garage door. I follow him and we reach for the doorknob at the same time. For a second our hands are touching, we’re both frozen. I gulp hard, I swear he can hear me and then curl my fingers around his. He lets me for a second and then pulls away. I immediately feel a cold chill and the sadness is overwhelming. I open the door to let him out, he gives me a small version of the crooked smile I love so much, and then nods his head at me as he gets in his car. That’s it. That is our goodbye. The guy I have begun to fall in love with is leaving. He’s given his heart to someone else. He thinks I have, too, and he couldn’t be more wrong. How can I let him go? I have no choice, he’s gone.
CHAPTER 10
Friday morning, I should be happy. I usually love Friday’s. On this rare occasion, Mom and I are actually home getting ready at the same time. It’s her day off and she’s going on an overnight date with her new boyfriend. We enjoy breakfast together. Mom makes the best pancakes known to man. She looks happy; she’s lost so much weight since the divorce. It’s definitely the thinnest I can remember seeing her, but she has been thinner from the pictures I remember of her, before she had me. I hug her extra tight before I leave for school and she kisses both of my cheeks, because she says if she only kisses one the other will be jealous. One of the many things I love about my mom.
***
I get to school and head for the tree, where Nat and I agreed to meet up. I brought the dress she let me borrow, because she needs it for a date she has with Aiden this week.
“Hey, girly!” Nat smiles at me.
“Hey,” I say.
“You look extra chipper and cute! You curled your hair?” She grabs one of the curls, admiring it.
“I attempted something different. I threw it in Mom’s rollers this morning and then ran my fingers through it.” I run my fingers through it again.
“It looks good, you look all rawr,” She growls at me and claws at the air.
I’m cracking up, “Shut up! Does it look stupid?”
“No really, it doesn’t. It looks sexy. I like the shirt too, it’s cute.” She touches the hem.
I look down at the vintage t-shirt I’m wearing, “Thank you.” I hand her the dress.
“Thanks for this.” She raises up the dress. “I’m going to run to my car. I’ll see you at lunch?”
“Yea, I’ll stick around.” I assure her.
***
The majority of the day goes smoothly. Shaun texts me to let me know he’s here and wants to know if I want to go to lunch with him. Apparently the parentals gave his car back. I let him know I’m staying to hang with Nat for lunch and he sends me a sad face.
On my way to lunch I see Dante. I’m not sure how to act after we had our talk last night. He doesn’t want to be friends, just cordial acquaintances. How do cordial acquaintances act? “Hey Dante,” I say as I slow down near him.
“Was’sup, Raquel,” he mumbles.
“Are you hanging at the tree today?” I search his face, unsure if talking like this is ok.
“Yea, you?” He looks everywhere but at me.
“Yea.” The awkward silence is kind of embarrassing. I stare straight ahead and draw my top lip in, nervous and contemplating what else I can say.
“Alright, well, see you there,” He says dismissing me. I realize neither of us has picked up the pace and now we are unintentionally walking together, but not really together. It’s all very strange and sort of ridiculous. “Not to be rude, but can you not walk with me? I’d rather not deal with the rumors,” he adds.
I can’t believe he just said that! I stare at him dumbfounded, “I— I wasn’t walking with you, Dante. I’m just walking. We’re going the same way. This is crazy! I don’t understand why we can’t be friends. You never even told me who was starting those supposed rumors, anyway.” I’m so tired of fighting with him. And a part of me wishes he would shut up and kiss me already. Whoa, where did that come from?
“You started them, Raquel! You did that! We already did this. I’m not doing it again. Let it go already!” He raises his voice at me. He slows his walk and I’m passing him up. I have no desire to start another argument with him. I wish people would learn to be honest and tell me the whole story instead of me constantly having to play P.I. and figure things out on my own. I’m irritated by the time I get to lunch. I sit in the shade of the tree and pull out my water bottle and cell. I have no intention of torturing myself further. I text Shaun.
You left yet? ~R
Nope. Just about to. Why, you wanna come after all? ~S
Yes please! ~R
I’m waiting ~S
K ~R
“Hey guys, I’m going to go.” I explain quickly not bothering to go into details.
“Ok, you alright?” Nat looks at me suspiciously, before glancing over at Dante.
“Yea,” I smile, knowing I haven’t convinced her one bit.
“Okay, see you later?” She shoots daggers at him and then smiles at me.
“Absolutely!” I hug her and wave at the group with a smile. Dante looks away. Ugh! He irritates me so much. I can’t believe we have to be like this with each other.
***
I get to Shaun’s car and knock on the window startling him. Apparently he was too busy rapping to see me approaching.
I laugh as I get in, “Did I scare you?”
“No, I didn’t see you. Yea, okay, a little,” he admits with a chuckle.
“So, where to?” I smile.
“What do you feel like?”
“Whatever. Seriously I’m not even hungry; I just had to get out of there.” I point at the school.
“Dante?” He starts driving off.
“Yea, I don’t get it. We talked last night—” I start to explain.
“You called him?” He interrupts wiping his palms against his jeans before gripping the steering wheel so hard his knuckles turn white.
“Yea, he said something about some rumor that I started, but he won’t tell me who told him.” I ignore his obvious irritation with me calling Dante.
“A rumor you started?” His voice suddenly cracks.
“Yes and I don’t even know what the hell he’s talking about.” Why does he have to let the fact that I called Dante bother him so much? He knows how much I like him.
“Hmm.” He says as he pulls up to a red light.
“Yea, and he says that we can’t be friends. He thinks you and I are together and he’s back with Melanie again. He says that we need to forget everything and be cordial.” I look at him, waiting to see his reaction.
“That sounds fair enough.” He says, looking at me quickly, before looking back at the road ahead.
“I still have feelings, Shaun.” I can’t believe I even have to clarify that with him. He knows that. How could he think any of this is fair? He doesn’t even seem to care that someone sabotaged me like this.
“Well, maybe it’s time you move on too, Raquel. I mean what are you going to do, be a fatal attraction?” He laughs quickly before clearing his throat.
“No! Jeez, no, Shaun, I know I have to move on. I don’t have a choice, I— I can’t turn my feelings off.” I shriek.
“I know, well let’s forget about Dante and enjoy lunch. How about that?” He pulls up to the fast food restaurant.
“Fine,” I say, before getting out of the car.
When we get in, we order and sit down. He finally apologizes for not being as sensitive as he should have been with the whole ordeal. I’m not sure how sincere he is, but I let it go. We enjoy lunch like always and the time flies by so quickly we are actually late getting back to school. We both skip fourth period and head straight to fifth together. Shaun tries to grab my hand, but I quickly move it and grab the straps of my backpack instead, prete
nding I didn’t notice his intentions. We walk into class and sit in the usual desks.
I notice right away that Dante is sitting next to Melinda and the rest of the hyena gossipy crew. They all start laughing the second they see us and I roll my eyes and concentrate on the teacher's instructions for the day.
My phone buzzes and I check it.
Ignore them ~S
It’s Shaun.
I know ~R
Dinner tonight? ~S
Sure, Mom’s gone. Wanna come over? I can cook. ~R
I don’t feel like going out, but company would be nice.
Sounds good. Want me to bring anything? ~S
Nope. Just you ~R
We pair up on the new assignment and I’m fine with ignoring the gossip crew across the room. I enjoy the fun assignment. We have to interview each other and write an essay on the information we gather. I learn a lot about Shaun I didn’t know before. He’s actually a great guy, but not my type. He’s funny and athletic, he has a witty personality but also a very gentle, very sweet, side to him. I trust him.
***
Finally school is over. I’m home and ready to hang out with Shaun. I put the marinated chicken breasts into the oven and start rinsing the asparagus I chopped earlier. After a while the doorbell rings and I know its Shaun. “Hey!” I say noticing he’s hiding something behind his sweater.
“Hi, I brought these for you.” He brings flowers out from behind his back.
“Oh my goodness! Thank you Shaun, you really didn’t have to.” I move to let him in.
“I know sunflowers are your favorites.” He smiles as he hands them to me. He knows, because of the interview today.
“Aw, you’re a sweetheart!” I say as I take the flowers he brought me. Flowers? Eek. That’s odd. Right? I mean this isn’t a date or anything. Malachi’s never brought me flowers.
“So, what’s for dinner, chef? I’m starved.” He sniffs the air.
“Patience.” I joke with him. I set the table and start serving plates.
Soon we’re eating, while watching TV and laughing at some reality show about people who essentially hurt themselves trying to do incredibly stupid things. I clear the table and we head over to the couch, like we have numerous times before. I turn to ask Shaun a question and realize he’s staring at me.
“What’s up, weirdo?” I give him a puzzled look.
“I’m sorry, Raquel, I, God, you really are beautiful when you laugh.” He stammers.
“Shut up!” I say, partly because I’m unsure what else to say and partly because I don’t want him saying things like that to me. He leans forward until his lips are nearly brushing mine and I freeze. “Shaun? Shaun, please, this is not a good idea.” I achingly squeeze out the words. I can’t believe he’s doing this. I put my arms against his chest to stop him.
His voice is soft, “Raquel, I try to resist you and respect your feelings for that jerk. I’ve sat here the whole time knowing you deserve so much better. Knowing I can give you so much. I can treat you way better. Tell me you haven’t thought about it. Not once?” He looks at me intensely.
I still care about Dante. Even with as much of a jerk as he is, I can’t deny my feelings for him. I love Shaun as a friend, nothing more. I pull back, “Shaun, I can’t. I’m sorry. I don’t want to lose our friendship. Please, please, don’t do this.” If he doesn’t stop this I might punch him.
He moves forward and presses his lips softly to mine. I keep mine closed. He gently leans into the kiss, his lips soft. I’m all inside my head at the moment, my thoughts racing. My eyes are open, his are closed. I see his hand reach up and he gently brushes them down my face, to make me close my eyes. He slowly opens his lips, capturing a tiny bit of my full bottom lip in between his. He grows more and more urgent and I suddenly feel the wetness of his tongue brush across my lips. I’m frozen in place. He finally kisses me gently one last time and then pulls back, as he tucks a strand of hair behind my ear. My hands are pressed hard against his chest, as though they, too, are opposed to the idea of him.
“I’m sorry. I’m not sorry for kissing you. I’ve wanted to do that for a long time. I’m sorry if I pressured you into it.” He settles back to where he was seated before.
“I didn’t want to ruin our friendship Shaun, I still don’t. You know I have feelings for Dante. I know you know that. This is awkward. I don’t want it to be. It just is.” I create more distance, sitting further back into the couch and hugging my legs.
“I know, but we don’t have to figure it all out tonight, Raquel.” He places his hand on one of mine.
I stare at him. My eyes are burning now. I’m trying not to cry. He smiles and pulls me back into the crook of his arm, grabs my hand and laces his fingers into it, resting them in his lap. I’m confused about what this all means to him. I need him to leave, I need to get up. I can’t move. He’s going to ruin everything. After the show ends Shaun turns to me. “I've got to go, okay babe?”
Babe? Um, where did that come from? “You got to go? Yea, okay, no problem.” I answer, relieved that he is leaving and still unable to say anything more.
“I've got to work early tomorrow; you want me to come back after? What are you doing tomorrow?”
“I work tomorrow evening.” My voice comes out like a robot.
“Ok, I’ll call you.”
Sinking onto the couch after he leaves I run through it all again in my head. Shaun’s been like my best friend, aside from Nat, here. He knows I still have feelings for Dante. He’s in love with me? When and how did that happen? I should have stopped him. Shit!
CHAPTER 11
“He did what?” Nat exclaims.
“He kissed me, Nat. I didn’t exactly stop him. I was freaked out.” I tell her.
“I bet! Gross, why would he do that? Didn’t you tell him you weren’t interested?” She stands with her hands on her hips.
“Yes, every time he brought it up or dropped hints, I was straight up with him. Even as he was kissing me I told him how I felt. After too! He knows, Nat. He knows how I feel about Dante. He doesn’t care. He says he loves me.”
“Ugh, what do you think? Does he love you?” She’s clearly not happy.
“I don’t know. I mean I think we care about each other, you know? But I thought more along the lines of best friends. Then he goes and does this and— ugh I swear I could’ve punched him. I seriously thought about it.” I ball my hands into fists.
“Whoa, calm down there tiger!” She laughs, “We warned you about him. Now what are you going to do?”
I let my head fall back and groan loudly. “I don’t know.” I say and then I look at her and growl out, “I don’t know. He’s so stupid! Nat, he freaked me out, like, seriously dude. Freaked!” I point at my face and bulge my eyes.
“Oh my gosh, Rocky. You have to tell him. Tell him that you aren’t interested. That you just want to be friends.”
I nod, “Okay, yea. I’ll do that.”
“Okay that’s enough. Go get dressed or we're going to be late for work.” Nat says, helping me get over the moment.
“Yes, ma'am!” I salute her.
She smacks me and says, “Vete!” And I go.
***
During my lunch break I ask Shaun to meet me at work. When he gets there he can sense something is wrong. I try to let him down easily but I quickly realize no matter how gently I word it; he isn’t going to take it well. He turns it on me and accuses me of kissing him back and says I basically encouraged it. He’s pissed about my feelings for Dante and storms off. I try to stop him, but he isn’t having it. I may have lost my friend.
***
Monday and I still haven’t heard back from Shaun. I never texted him or called him. I gave him the space I thought he needed over the weekend. I go to lunch and sit under our tree, next to Val, pulling out my cell to text him. He finally texts back but they’re all one word answers and he basically blows me off.
Val glances down at my phone, “He’s such a baby.” She
rolls her eyes.
“You and Nat can’t stand him. It’s obvious.” I roll my eyes back and nudge her with my shoulder playfully.
“We’ve known him a lot longer than you, Rock. I’ve never really trusted him, I guess. He’s always seemed, I don’t know, never mind.” She apologizes.
“Did he do something?” I’m totally confused by her aversion to him.
“No, I don’t think so. I mean, at least nothing I can think of offhand.” She squints her eyes like she’s trying to remember something, then looks back at me and laughs. “Sorry. I’ll leave you alone about him. Maybe I’m being weird.”
I laugh. I have no idea how else to respond to that.
***
Shaun continues to be short with me each day, having one excuse or another for avoiding me. Then Friday comes and I can’t take it anymore.
Shaun. I know you’re upset. I’ve tried to give you space. I think you have a right to be angry with me…sort of. I miss you. Please talk to me. Is everything ok? How long are you going to punish me?? ~R
It’s fine. I’m fine. ~S
Can I maybe meet you? For lunch? I think we should talk. ~R
Sure. ~S
I meet up with him at his car and he’s sitting there quiet. He looks so sad and I feel like crap knowing I’m the one who caused this. “Shaun, I’m sorry for hurting you, or misleading you, for everything. I never meant for that to happen. I love you because you are my friend; one of my best friends, Shaun. I never want to hurt you.” I apologize.
“I get it. I’m not him. You love me, but you’re in love with him. I was embarrassed. I let my ego get the best of me. You didn’t lead me on Rock, you were completely honest with me and I thought that maybe if I could try, you would see— you would feel what I do for you.” He says.
I reach over, grab his hand and squeeze. He squeezes back and releases my hand. “Let’s go eat, okay.” He smiles.
I smile and nod. I sure missed my friend. I couldn’t imagine losing him. I don’t want to.
A few nights later Shaun asks if I’d be willing to go to homecoming with him; as friends. I agree to it. Malachi and Nat are not pleased at all, but they say it’s my prerogative. I feel bad. It isn’t his fault that he likes me and I don’t return those feelings. He’s trying to respect that and just be friends, so I don’t see anything wrong with us going together. I enjoy his friendship, when he isn’t misconstruing things.
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