“So. Where to?” My mom glances at me, a concerned look in her eyes.
“Home. Please.” I exhale.
“Home it is.” She says.
CHAPTER 19
Twenty-two calls, and three times he’s shown up at the house. I finally confessed the whole thing to my mom and she agreed it was for the best. When he showed up the last time, she threatened a restraining order and he quickly apologized. Nat’s irritated at me. She gets why I’m doing it, but she thinks I’m going to regret it. She knows I love him and she doesn’t get why I won’t confront him about what I saw. Still, she came over and comforted me. My bestie. I cried in her lap all night as she stroked my hair and gave me tissue after tissue. My floor looks like it snowed. She swore to bears she wouldn’t tell anyone the truth, except Malachi of course. She’s respecting my wishes on how to deal with it all.
Dante finally gave up with the calls to my phone and tried Nat’s. She relayed a quick message one time and then put a stop to it. Or Aiden did. Why did I leave him again? Oh that’s right. I think back to the night. Back and forth I go in my head, regretting my decision to not confront him and let him explain and then getting angry and demanding that I see it was the right thing to do. I’d only end up giving in to him and his excuses for betraying me and then live each day in suspicion of his every move. By the end of the weekend I’m exhausted.
Monday, Monday. What am I going to do? I managed to avoid him all weekend and now I really regret it. We should’ve talked and we didn’t. Now I have to go to school and deal with him there. I don’t have the energy to even make myself fancy up today. I shower, throw on jean shorts, a t-shirt and sandals. I pull my hair into a quick braid and don’t even bother with makeup.
Walking up to our meeting spot, I have knots in the pit of my stomach. I hold my head up and approach the middle of the school, where no doubt, our group will be waiting to scurry off to their first period. Sure enough, I see everyone including Dante. Val nudges him and he turns to see me walking towards them. I avert my gaze truly unable to face him. The bell rings and everyone is scurrying. Nat runs up and hugs me whispering encouragement in my ear. Aiden and I quickly hug and he pats my back. I shutter when he releases me and I see that Dante left. He didn’t wait. I thought he would confront me or walk with me. He left. Why am I sad? I did this. It was my choice. My decision. I avoided him all weekend. I chose not to confront him. I’m the one who isn’t giving him the chance to explain himself. Now he gives me the space I need and I’m upset?
The day drags. Lunch is fast approaching and I dread it. Will he ignore me again? I scrape the toe of my shoe along the floor taking my time to gather my things and leave the classroom. I have no money today to leave for lunch. I forgot my purse when I left the house. I suppose I could go home and get it. What’s the point? I’m not hungry. I walk out of the class and see that Nat’s waiting for me. “You ready?”
“Yea. Where’s Aiden?” I look around.
“He’s in line getting us something. You have to eat. You look like crap. Have you eaten since I left?” She puts one hand on her hip and glares at me.
“Not really. I wasn’t hungry.” I look away.
“And I hate fashion!” She shoots back sarcastically, stomping her foot to the ground. “I left you a whole damn pizza!”
“I saw. Thank you. I boxed it up for later.” I explain sheepishly.
“Gross. It’s old now. Throw it away. I’ll take you to dinner tonight. You better eat something Raquel. You’ll get sick.” She loops her arm in mine and pulls me alongside her, to our tree.
“Where is he?” I say in her ear. I can’t resist asking.
“With Aiden. He’s trying hard to respect the boundaries you set for him. He loves you, Rock, a lot. He doesn’t know anything, since you won’t confront him. When I’m around him, he seems like he’s hurt too; but he knows you’re hurting more walking away. It took courage.” She pats my hand.
“I don’t feel courageous, or strong, or right. I hate how I feel.” I let myself plop to the ground beneath the tree.
She sits beside me, “But you did the right thing. You’ll see. It was best for you both. Love isn’t enough. You have to have trust and forgiveness and so much more. You both need to work through all that in order for the two of you to work. If it was meant to be, you guys will find your way back. You have to stay strong. Okay?” She hugs me. I nod and swipe at the tears forming in my eyes.
Aiden walks up and places a slice of pizza in my lap. “Hungry?”
“Not really, but if I don’t eat my mom will spank me.” I tease Nat, nudging her with my elbow.
“That’s right young lady! Now eat!” She plays back.
“Can I watch?” Aiden laughs and Nat and I both smack him.
He holds up his hands to defend himself, “What, you got to admit you guys set yourselves up that time.” He laughs. Such a guy!
I look up and catch Dante’s eyes. My stomach drops when I see him smile and nod a quick hello to me. I force a smile to my lips though my eyes are filled with the sadness of my heart. He quickly turns back to the conversation between him and Val. I feel the sadness take over me and lower my eyes to my lap intertwining my fingers. I have no appetite. Not even for pizza. I think about this, my reaction to him. I’ve changed from that girl— it seems so long ago, the girl I was when we first met. He’s changed so much since that guy too. Yet, my body can’t help but react so drastically to him, even now. Dante the wizard, that’s who he was to me back then. A magical guy that I could have never fathomed would come to mean so much to me.
Aiden asks me something and my thoughts are suddenly interrupted. “Rock? Earth to Raquel. So your birthday, it’s coming up next month right?” He waves his hands in front of my face.
“I totally forgot. Yea, during spring break.” I answer him without looking.
“What do you want to do?” Nat chimes in. They’re trying to keep me company, keep my mind off of him. It isn’t helping. I only feel worse knowing all I wanted was to be with Dante for my birthday.
“I haven’t really thought about it.” I lie.
“Are you kidding? You’re going to be 18 finally! It’s a pretty big deal.” Aiden tries to encourage me.
I shake my head no and glance at Dante who is busy talking to someone else. When I look back at Nat and Aiden they appear to have caught on.
“So, spring break,” Nat says. “What are we doing?”
“I have the mission trip, the one to Mexico. I’ve been saving for it. I need a little more and I’ll be able to afford it. “ I tell her.
“What?!” Nat squeaks. Aiden puts his finger in his ear and swirls it around, squinting one eye.
“No that’s cool. That would be good for your acceptance to the Peace Corps right?” Aiden shocks me.
“Yea.” I laugh lightly. Nat did squeak pretty loudly.
“Dante told me about that. I think it’s cool. It suits you.” He explains, noticing my reaction to Dante’s name.
“She isn’t really going to join the Peace Corps.” Natalia searches my face for clarification, as she pulls Aiden’s finger from his ear.
“Actually I am. Nat, I told you. I want to go. I need to. It’s always been my dream, you know that.” I remind her. She hates the thought of me leaving for so long. When I think about leaving her, I feel the same way.
“But what will I do with you half way around the world?” She whines.
“You’ll go to school, land your dream job, marry Aiden and have lots of beautiful babies.” I say.
“Yea, babe.” Aiden agrees with a smile.
“But, but, but, my bestie. I need my bestie.” She pouts.
“Don’t make me cry. My eyes are swollen enough.” I nudge her.
“Cucumbers.” Aiden says. I look at him confused. That was random. “Seriously it helps. Nat did it for me when I was sick and it took the swelling away. I thought she was crazy but she was right.” And now it makes sense.
“Always am.”
She chimes in.
I laugh at their playful banter. They’ll last. They’ll get the happily ever after. They’re made for each other.
***
Dante keeps his distance from me, for the most part, for the next few weeks. Slowly I feel less like a zombie and more like a walking bruise. I’m the bruise that you happen to notice and as long as you don’t push on it, it doesn’t hurt. I was okay doing my everyday life. School, work, friends, volunteering, and even seeing Dante at school was getting easier. As long as I didn’t have to have direct contact with him, it didn’t hurt as much. I mean the pain was there, I could see it but I didn’t push it and it was okay.
Then Valentine’s Day came. The whole thing was my fault. The school did candy grams. You can buy and send them to people with the option of being anonymous. The options range from the standard card and heart shaped lollipop to the top of the line gram which came with a bear, the lollipop, card and a red rose. All of the girls waited all day long to receive their grams. Of course they would swoon and make a big stink over them.
Lunch was hard because Aiden took Nat out. They invited me but I declined. Rightfully so, it wasn’t my place to tag along to that. Instead, I hung out with our friends and so did Dante. I noticed him and Val seemed pretty close lately. She’d sent him the standard gram. I felt a pang of jealousy but kept my face even all through lunch. Val assured me they were just friends during fourth period. She must have known it hurt me on some level. On my way to fifth, Dante and I happened to be caught alone.
“Raquel.” He nodded a polite hello.
“Hi, Dante.” I replied. Looking at his hands, I counted four separate candy grams. It made my heart sink but what did I expect? I did my best to steady my trembling hands, but I couldn’t control the twitch that crept into my eye.
“Did you get one?” He asked noticing my gaze.
“No.” Why would he ask me that? Was he trying to hurt me?
“You want one of mine?” The sides of his mouth pulled up into a faint smile.
“No, no thank you.” I retorted and hurried my pace the rest of the way to class. He could be so cruel when he wanted to. Apparently, he felt the need to rub this in my face. Making a hasty entrance into class, I nearly threw myself into my desk. Pissed off isn’t quite the right amount of anger to describe what I was feeling at that moment. Looking at the door, I realized he hadn’t come in yet. I thought he was right behind me but he didn’t follow me in. After about ten minutes he moseyed in with a late pass.
The teacher handed out the assignment and we all got to work. A student with a basket of candy grams interrupted a few minutes later and we all looked up as they announced the student’s names and handed out the grams. Dante got two more. Ugh! Just then, the student picks up the rose, bear and lollipop with a card and calls my name. I looked up mortified. Another student points me out and he hands me the gram. I read the card.
No matter where you go. No matter what you do. I love you. I always will. We will be together in our hearts. When you find yourself out there, you’ll come home. I will be waiting.
I didn’t recognize the writing, but I wouldn’t. Part of the deal with anonymous cards was that the office staff wrote them, I guess, to keep them anonymous. I didn’t need to guess who it was. I knew. I looked up and he was watching me intently. Why, why, why, would he put me through this? Things were finally getting easier and then he pulls me back down with his, his love? Damn him! And damn my heart! I stood up and walked over to his desk slamming the card, bear, flower and lollipop down. The candy shattered and the red bits of it spread across his desk along with petals that had broken off.
“I told you, I didn’t want it. I. Meant. It. Thanks, but no thanks.” I said as sternly as I could. Turning on my heel, I marched to the teacher’s desk and picked up the big horseshoe bathroom pass she insisted on embarrassing us with lately and stormed out of the class.
How dare he! A pity gram? How embarrassing. Just because he received all those darn things, he had to go buy me one? That’s why he was late coming to class. Who was he kidding anyway? He would not be waiting. He was going to the military. He wasn’t going to be here waiting on me to “find myself”. Damn him! A few minutes passed and I heard a small knock on the bathroom door. Who the hell is knocking? There are tons of stalls in here. It’s not like the damn door is locked. I storm over to the door to see who it is. Dante.
“What do you want?” I snapped at him.
“The teacher asked me to check on you. You looked upset.” He says.
“Wow, genius. You think?” I rolled my eyes and walked back into the restroom.
He looks around and stepped inside, “Raquel, I know you’re mad. But it’s a misunderstanding.” He said quietly, his hands in front of him trying to calm me down.
“No, noohooohooo, Dante.” I waved my hands in front of me. “No misunderstanding here. I understand perfectly. You love me. I love you. But we suck at loving each other. As soon as one of us gets on their feet, the other sabotages. It’s our thing. And it’s exactly why we don’t work.”
“You’re right. Everything you said. You’re right. But that wasn’t what I was talking about.” His voice grew louder this time.
“What, Dante? What are you talking about?” I lost my head and a grip on my anger. I stood in front of him, my hands on my hips and my neck stretched out, glaring at him.
“The candy gram. I didn’t send it. That’s what you thought right? It wasn’t me.” He let it sink in as he stood there, his face tight. Emotionless.
I stood staring dumbfounded. What the hell had the card said again? Who else could have said those words? It didn’t make sense. It had to be him. It must have. Then it registered. My mouth dropped along with my stomach and then my tears. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I assumed it was you. I— you were late and I thought. I thought you, I—” I kept trying to explain but the more I did the worse I felt and the more I cried.
He stepped back, putting distance between us. “It’s okay Raquel. I see how you could have thought that. The words were beautiful. I’m glad someone loves you like that. You, deserve it. Are you going to be okay?” His eyes softened, his hand reached out to touch mine, but fell before we ever made contact.
“Yes.” I managed to get out between big gulps of air and tears.
“Okay I got to go back.” He pointed over his shoulder. “Take your time. Class is almost over.” He patted my arm and left.
I didn’t get to explain. Nat sent the gram. It was her words; our conversation about the Peace Corps. She probably didn’t realize I would think it was Dante. It was obvious now, thinking back on the words, that it was her. It made perfect sense. I felt like a huge moron, once again. Then panic set in. Oh no, he thought someone else sent me that. No! I thought of the sadness in his eyes when he walked away. He left so abruptly. Wow, what a colossal screw up I turned out to be.
By the time I made it back to class, the bell rung and he was gone. I hurried to grab my stuff and looked up to see Shaun. “I know it’s none of my business, Raquel, but are you okay?”
“I’m fine, Shaun. I’m in a hurry.” I said quickly and ran out of the class annoyed by his interruption.
I got to the tree but no one was there. Where did he go? I got out my cell to text him.
I need 2 Xplain. Can we tlk ~R
No need. Don’t stress. Had 2 go ~D
But Dante U dont understand ~R
Does it matter? Really? Thnk bout it. We aren’t 2gether. Either way whatevr the reason, it changes nothing between U and I. u were rite. We don’t work. U dont owe me an explanation. U owe me nothing! Goodbye Raquel. ~D
And the panic that settled in my stomach quickly turned to sadness. He was right. What did it matter who it was from? It didn’t change a thing. I texted him back.
I’m sorry. For everything. ~R
I caught up with Natalia at work later, telling her all about my goof up and thanking her for the gram. She apologized for making it anonymous. She di
dn’t even think about the fact that it could have been Dante’s words to me. She felt the words to be so true for us and knew I would feel the same. I did too. She was right. They were perfect for us. I knew she loved me and we would always, always be there for each other, no matter the distance. No matter the circumstances.
***
Not too long after that, Malachi, Nat and I had a sleepover at my house. We planned a movie night with him, but our movie night turned into a plot of our own.
Malachi stared at Nat and I. “So, he thinks you have a boyfriend?”
“Yes.” I say, irritated at the thought.
“And he seemed okay with it?” He ignores the evil eye I’m giving him.
“I mean, yea, I guess.” I answer impatiently.
“Hmm.” He says with a mischievous grin.
“Hmm?” Nat asks him.
“No, no, hmm nothing!” I veto whatever they are conjuring up. It didn’t matter how much I vetoed. Nat and Malachi were on a mission. They quickly launched into a flurry of ideas and no matter how much I whined at them to stop, they kept on. By the time they finish Operation Fake Boyfriend was created. Since no one knew about Malachi, Nat thought he would be the easiest person to use as my fake boyfriend. Their bright idea was to spread a rumor that I was now moving on with my ex from my old school; thus making it easier for Dante and I to both move on and eventually become friends. Who knows if it could work? I have no idea. One thing’s for certain, I am not ready to see Dante move on.
***
Luckily the time passed after that, as time tends to do. Things reverted for Dante and I. We had less group conversations. We never allowed ourselves to get too close, talk directly, or walk alone in a hall. We sort of avoided each other, or maybe it was that he made an obvious effort to really avoid me. Occasionally, I would steal a glance his way. I convinced myself it was because I needed to make sure he was happy. Really, when I lay down at night and cried myself to sleep I knew the truth. I still loved him, so much. I had convinced myself that I let him go because it was the right thing to do but I was falling apart without him. I still felt like I needed him. I missed him so much it ached, physically ached.
Breaking Down (The Breaking Series) Page 15