Standing there in a group on a rare occasion, watching how easily he spoke to everyone else had me going crazy inside. Each time I watched Val, Nat, or any of the other girls laugh or joke, tease, talk— pretty much any interaction with him— I felt jealousy that bordered on rage. At times I almost wanted to march up to him and throw myself into his arms, kissing him with such force that he would remember me and ache for me, like I did for him. I wanted to be the one to make him smile again. I wanted Dante so much but it was so selfish, after I walked away and didn’t give him the chance to explain himself. I suffered in silence as I watched everyone else smile and go on with their lives, pretending to do the same.
I know it seemed irrational, we hadn’t known each other that long. Something about Dante and I, though, it was real. It was electric. It didn’t matter how much time passed. I wondered if it would ever really dull and if my need for him would ever really go away. It didn’t matter to me. I only cared that Dante survived, that he would be happy. I couldn’t let my self-doubt and lack of trust hurt him. I wasn’t strong enough to love him. I had to release him. My need for him wasn’t healthy, was it? What did I know of healthy relationships? I had no experience. No good example to draw from. The way it stood, I had nothing.
CHAPTER 20
Eighteen years old and headed to Mexico. I’m looking forward to getting a small taste of what it will be like once I’m in the Peace Corps. I have such an exhilarating feeling. We celebrated my birthday a couple of weeks before at my work, of all places. Most everyone showed up, with an exception of Malachi, who had to work. Of course Dante was missing too, but that was to be expected. I got lots of gifts specifically for my trip. My friends surprised me with a card full of cash. It was the remaining balance that I needed for my trip. I couldn’t believe they would do that for me. Nat also got me a really pretty journal and pen set. In it she wrote little sayings and quotes of encouragement. Mom got me a cute sun hat and extra emergency funds. The biggest surprise was my dad showing up. He picked up the entire tab for the night. He and my mom did not speak. Though, they did kindly wave hello. They stood on opposite sides of the table the rest of the night. I didn’t care; it was nice to have them both there. I only wondered how hard it was for them to make it through the night being in the same room.
The week in Mexico went by quickly and I felt sad not wanting it to end. It’s the first time I felt like myself for once. It was well worth the money to get that experience. I know the Peace Corps is the right path for me. This whole thing only solidified that.
***
Mom was happy I was home. She said Nat was asking about me the whole time. So I called her and asked her out to dinner, pizza to be exact. She met me there and said Aiden would join us later.
“So tell me everything. Was it weird? Gross? Dirty? How was it?” She leaned forward resting on her elbows with her eyes wide in anticipation.
“Well, it was different for sure. It wasn’t gross, we took showers. The kids were awesome. They totally appreciate everything you do for them. It’s really cute. It’s neat to see how much we take for granted in our own lives and it gives you a new perspective.”
“That’s cool. Did Malachi enjoy it too?”
“I don’t think so.” I laughed. She knew as well as I did how much he hated stuff like that. He was too much of a pretty boy to enjoy it. I was thankful he went to keep me company anyway.
“Do you still want to go through with the plan?” She asked.
“Yea, I think it’s for the best.” Just then, I see Aiden walking towards us.
“Hey you!” Aiden leans down and hugs me. “Long time no see. Look at you, all tanned and shit.”
“I know. That sun was crazy! Thank God for all the sunscreen and the hat and sunglasses you all got for me. I ended up sharing my sunscreen, because some people ran out.”
“Oh. Cool.” He grabs some pizza and shoves it in his mouth. “Bet you missed this stuff?” He raises up the remaining piece.
“Definitely, I missed my friends too. A lot! I have a ton of pictures to post.” I grab my phone.
“Oh, I can’t wait to see.” Nat rubs her hands together. I hand her my phone and she immediately starts scrolling quickly.
“Well, I’m glad you’re back.” Aiden winks and then looks at the phone. I notice when he sees the first picture of Malachi and me together. His expression wavers just slightly.
Nat elbows him, “Cute huh?”
He nods slightly before turning his attention back to his pizza. Nat leans back slightly and slyly shoots me a thumbs-up, knowing our plan worked. I smile, but a part of me has a feeling this could backfire big time.
***
A couple nights later Nat and I have a girl’s night, which is basically her sleeping over and us watching girly movies and snacking.
“So last night when we were at Aiden’s house, Dante showed up.” She crosses her legs and grabs her bowl of popcorn. “Wait, do you want to hear this?”
“Not really but tell me anyway?” I brace myself.
“Are you sure, because it’s about you?” She pops a piece of popcorn in her mouth and I know she’s teasing me because she knows I’m secretly dying to know.
“Tell me!” I burst in anticipation.
“Dante came over with Mel. They aren’t together, but I guess they were hanging out. Anyway, Aiden finally told him about Malachi.” She giggled and I felt my heart speed up. “Okay, so this is what happened. We were all sitting watching TV and when the commercial came on Dante looked at me and was like, ‘Did Raquel enjoy Mexico? Did she get back safely yet?’ She did her best to mock Dante’s deep voice. “Aiden was like, ‘Yea she was safe alright. Safely in the arms of her bodyguard.’ Oh, my God, you should have seen his face.” She claps her hands together laughing.
“I can imagine.” I say flatly.
“Yup, looked a lot like yours when I told you he was with Mel.” She pointed at my face.
I immediately dropped my scowl, “I can’t believe he would go back to her. I mean after everything!”
“History Rock, he fell right back into his old habit. That’s all she is. He doesn’t love her. You know that. He uses her. But you left him no choice. He has to move on.” She explains calmly.
“I know. I don’t have a right to get mad, but it’s hard. I still care for him.” I sigh.
“You still love him Rock.” She corrects me.
“I know.” I feel my heart squeeze at the admission.
“That’s why it’s good he thinks you’re with Malachi. I’m glad Aiden told him. Maybe he’ll move on. Maybe you guys can be friends after this.” A part of me wants to scream. I don’t want to be his friend!
“I don’t know. I doubt it. But I see what you’re saying.” I reluctantly agree.
“Anyway, he waited till Mel went to the bathroom and then he brought it up again. He asked what his name was, where he was from, how old he is and anything else he could squeeze out of Aiden. Aiden told him everything he knew. I busied myself in the kitchen while they talked.” She smirked.
“I don’t know how to feel about that.”
“He asked if you were taking him to prom.” She winces.
“Oh, my gosh, I haven’t even thought that far ahead. I have no idea.” I worry.
“That’s what Aiden told him. Maybe he wanted to see if it would be okay to take Mel.” She says.
“Yea you’re probably right. That’s probably exactly why.” My heart sunk. As much as I thought the Malachi lie might work, I still love Dante and a part of me kind of hoped he wouldn’t believe it. It really hurt me that he went back to Mel. It must have hurt him that I was spending time with someone else too.
***
Later that night Malachi and I video chatted. I told him about what happened with Dante. The following day we decide to meet up at the mall.
“There you are!” He lifts me up into a big bear hug, my feet dangling beneath me. I let out a squeal and he places me back down holding onto my hand
and moving me towards the ice cream place. We sit and share a huge sundae.
“You want to get out of here?” He rubs his belly once we are both full enough to pop.
“Actually, I should be getting home. I have things to do.” I grab my purse and lug it onto my shoulder.
“Ok, no problem. Call me later?” He stands up and reaches for my hand.
“Thanks Malachi. For everything I mean. You’re a great friend.” I take his hand and began walking back.
“It’s my pleasure. You’ve always been a great friend to me too.” He hugs me once we reach the spot we met at. “You want me to walk you to your car?”
“No, don’t even worry about it. I parked pretty far. I’ll call you later.”
Malachi lifts me into a big hug and then kisses my cheek before walking off.
I walked to my own car thinking about this plan Nat, Malachi and I put into effect. Malachi was always so nice, so polite and good. I knew my friendship with him was safe and we always had fun together. Everyone liked him and he was really easy on the eyes. His olive skin, brown tousled curls and light green eyes always attracted a lot of attention from the ladies. He was offering me the perfect solution to Dante. Why did I hesitate? It would be so easy to convince people and eventually I would be able to get over Dante and move on. I could find someone simple and uncomplicated. Still I hesitated. I didn’t want simple and uncomplicated. I wanted the passion, the electricity, the lip biting, toe curling, screaming one minute and kissing till you were out of breath, heart beating out of control, butterflies in a frenzy, stomach in your throat kind of love. Dante. Dammit!
I got in my car and took off without a thought. I drove mindlessly. It wasn’t until I reached the destination that I realized where I was. How did I get here? I had only ever been here one other time. Yet it was like instinct. I sat there for a long while, parked outside. I stared at the house, at the window. I remembered like it was yesterday, yet it seemed so long ago. The tears came fast and hot, streaking my face. I jumped so hard I smacked my head on the roof of the inside of my car when I heard the knock. I put my window down, embarrassed. Wiping the tears from my eyes, I imagined the mascara and eyeliner must have made quite a mess.
“Raquel?” Mr. King furrowed his brow, while peering into the driver side window.
I quickly put the window down, “Yes, Mr. King. I, I’m sorry. I—” I searched for an explanation but I had none.
He crossed his arms and stared at me waiting, but when he saw I struggled for the words he softened his face and gave a half smile that shocked me. “Would you like to come in?”
“Oh, no it’s okay. I shouldn’t have come. I wouldn’t have—”
“Dante isn’t here. Perhaps you would like some water? You could wait on the steps if you would rather.” He gestured towards the porch.
“Water would be good, thank you.” I steadied my trembling fingers and turned the car off. He waited on the other side of the door. I hurried to get out and followed him to the steps.
He continued into the house, as I plopped onto the top step. I can’t believe I’m doing this. What am I doing? What am I thinking? I’m not. After a few minutes he came back out. “I thought you might be hungry too. Mrs. King made these last night. They’re really good. Not like the ones you are used to, I’m sure. But you’ll like these. They’re my favorite.”
I took the cookies he offered me on the napkin and the cold bottle of water. “Thank you.” I looked down, placing the water on the ground next to me and taking a quick small nibble of the cookie. It was good, really good. It had a different flavor, a different texture.
“They’re made with almond flour and maple. I’m glad you like them. I really don’t share them usually, but you look like you could use a pick me up.”
“Thank you. They’re delicious.” I smiled and sniffled.
“So what brings you here?” He clasped his hands into his lap.
“I’m afraid I’m not really sure. I was driving. I was sad and the next thing I knew I was here. I didn’t mean to, I’m sorry.” I apologized.
“No need for apologies. Something must be on your mind. I wish Dante were here, to help. Perhaps there is something I could help with?”
I shook my head slowly, unsure of what to say. “I miss him. I miss Dante. I know it’s wrong of me. I wish I could change it.” I confessed.
He smiled and patted my hand. “It’s going to be okay. You both are very young. Dante has been through quite a bit, I’m sure you know. It takes a lot for anyone to really reach him. He’s really only let Aiden in. Even with his mother and I he still stays guarded. Though I’m sure I’m at fault where that is concerned,” He looked down. “Have you talked to him?” He asked.
“No. Not really.” I wasn’t sure what he knew of our situation.
“Aiden told me.” He answered the question in my mind. “He said it was hard on you both. He was worried for you. He kept trying to come up with a solution, but I assured him it would fix itself eventually.” He grew quiet, as he looked out into the street. “Love is not something you can push, especially with someone like Dante. He closes up with force. He has felt such deep rejection and pain from those who were to love him most. No matter what we have done to change it, he will always suffer the pain of that.” He finally looked back at me, a solemn look in his eye. “Things will work out. You two will work it out somehow. I believe that. You should talk to him. I think he could use a good talking to. He’s been hanging out with that other girl again. I wish he wouldn’t, she’s never really been good for him.” He surprised me with that last part.
“I don’t know. I’ll think about it.” I thought about Dante and his need to talk. Mr. King had guilt over something. Dante and I never really discussed the details of what had come between him and his adoptive parents. “Have you tried counseling?”
A look of surprise passed through his eyes. “Yes, did he not tell you? We did that. It was required for the adoption. He did it for a long time and it did help, some. But never completely.”
“I understand.” And I did. I remembered the counseling I was required to take after the incident at my old school. I quickly pushed it all out of my mind again. I didn’t have the energy to deal with all of that right now. “I still love him.” I felt odd admitting this to Mr. King.
“I know. I can see that. He loves you too.” He smiled.
“Well, I better get going.” I stood up and put my hand out to shake his. “Thank you Mr. King. You helped, more than you could ever know.”
“Will you consider talking to him?” He asked.
“Yes. I’ll think about it.” I mulled it over in my mind.
“Now’s as good a time as any.” He said looking to the driveway.
I felt my heartbeat speed up and my hand fell limply away from Mr. Kings grasp. The butterflies were back full force and I was afraid I would taste those cookies in reverse any moment.
“Rock?” Dante had a puzzled look that quickly changed to concern. “What is it? Is everything ok? Is it Nat?” He guessed and sped up his pace reaching me in no time.
I was a statue on his porch steps. I wanted to move, but I couldn’t. “Rock, what happened?” He grabbed for my hand and I flinched.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have come. I don’t know what I was doing.” I tried to brush passed him, to make a run for it to my car. Chicken!
“Wait. What are you doing here?” He grabbed my wrist.
“I don’t know.” I faked indifference yanking my arm from his grasp.
“You don’t know? What do you mean? You came here. You had some reason. Why?” He was worried.
“I wanted to return something of yours.” I lied flatly.
“What?” He looked down at my hands. I had nothing. I tried to think of something but the lie hung in the air. “Talk to me. Why are you crying?” He moved closer.
Confused, because there were no tears, I got angry. “Crying? I’m not crying!”
“You were.” He said s
oftly reaching to my cheek.
My head pulled back, I couldn’t risk his touch. I quickly wiped at my face and saw the blackness on my fingertips. What I must have looked like. Why did Mr. King not say anything? Mr. King, I quickly looked around. He had gone inside.
“You can at least come in and clean up. You look like a raccoon.” His attempt at a joke fell flat. Not waiting for my answer he grabbed my hand and led me into his house. My hand burned where he touched. “Wait here. I’ll be right back.” He darted out of the room and came back with a fluffy blue wash cloth a couple minutes later. Kneeling between my legs where I sat on the edge of his bed, he gently wiped at my cheeks.
“What’s in this stuff? Super glue? It doesn’t come off.” He scrunched his face and bit his bottom lip as he concentrated on trying to remove my makeup.
“Stop before you scrape my skin off.” I grabbed for the cloth and clung to his hand instead. He stopped moving, leaving our hands there against my face. Staring into my eyes, saying nothing he dropped the cloth to the floor. We both felt it, the electric current. The magnetic pull between us. He leaned in till our foreheads touched, his eyes never leaving mine. I breathed in his breaths, tasted his smell, and drank in his eyes. I finally closed my eyes and used every inch of my will to back away.
“Rocky.” He exhaled my name as I backed up.
“We can’t, Dante. We just can’t.” I shook my head.
“Why? Who says we can’t?” He strained.
“I say. I say it Dante. It wouldn’t be right. It wouldn’t be good.” I forced myself to explain, although I wasn’t fully convinced myself.
“I understand. You’re taken. I’m taken. It would be wrong. But, it would feel so— so right.” He looked up at me with his beautiful brown eyes.
I wanted to tell him I wasn’t taken, but I didn’t. I closed my eyes, avoiding the look in his. He placed his hand over my heart and I felt it ready to jump into his hand and declare it belonged to him. “I’ve missed you. I try not to, but I do.” I didn’t try to stop the hot tears that overwhelmed me. I kept my eyes closed and let the tears pour freely. It felt like a dream. He let his finger tips make circles on my skin, “Say something, Rock. Please?”
Breaking Down (The Breaking Series) Page 16