“This is ridiculous! We aren’t children. Why can’t you be happy for me?” Dante was so hurt and his words were filled with anger. But it sounded more like the anger of a child, wanting his parent’s approval. Maybe it would be better if I let him talk to them alone. I tried to move, but he held my hand in a death grip as he stared at Mrs. King.
“This is foolish!” She shouted at us.
“Foolish? Really? This is foolish? You and dad were not much older than us when you two married!” He shot back, his one arm flailing through the air.
Like a whirlwind had flown through the living room, Mr. King was in Dante’s face suddenly. Where had he even come from? Dante lifted his chin, waiting— or expecting— to be hit. I audibly gasped as I watched Mr. King grab him by his shirt and squeeze out through the skin of his teeth, “You. Will. Not. Yell. At. Your. Mother. Again. Do I make myself clear?”
Dante’s eyes went blank and he nodded.
“We are done here.” He said to us both. Then he looked at his wife, “Get up. Let’s go.” She grabbed his outstretched hand and they left.
Not knowing what to do, I glanced around before looking at Dante. When our eyes finally met, all I saw was pain. “Let’s go.” Grabbing my hand, he hurried to his room to get my purse and the blanket he bought and then quickly ushered me out the door.
***
Once we were on our way to, I wasn’t sure where, I turned to him. “Now do you see why I’ve been such a chicken?”
“Well, at least it’s over with. It’s not like they have a say in it, Raquel. We’re adults. We don’t need their permission.” His tone was eerie and cold.
“I know, but we want their blessing.” He snuck a look my way giving me a half hearted smile.
We reached the top of the street, like before. The lights were beautiful at night. He parked and we got out. This time I waited as he helped me climb onto the hood.
He stood silent a long while. Finally he reached over, placing his hand gently to my belly, “It’s you and us kid; the three of us, against the world. You will never feel alone. You will never feel out of place. You will always belong. You will always feel loved. I will always be proud of you.” He looked at my belly as he spoke. I couldn’t really see his eyes, but I somehow knew they had tears in them.
“They love you, Dante. They are proud of you.” I tried to reassure him. I knew he was making these promises with all his heart, but I hated the pain he was feeling.
“They had no choice. They were stuck with me.” He spoke with anger.
“That isn’t true.” I shook my head. “They chose to adopt you, you told me so.”
“It wasn’t like they refused to give me back. I was already adopted by the time my parents came back.” He looked out into the dark. “By then, it had been so many years later. My parents left and no one could have predicted they would get back together after all that time. I hated them, by then. I refused to go.” He grew quiet and my heart felt heavy for him. “They kept me, but I always saw that look in their eye, the what-ifs. I’ve always messed up. I have always disappointed them. I see their faces. They think I’m like them. Like those jacked up people who made me. That’s why—” He didn’t finish. He left the words hanging in the air. I was afraid to ask what he was about to say and then he spoke quietly. “The look on their faces tonight said it all. What you saw back there, that was nothing new. I’m surprised he held his composure enough not to hit me, this time.”
“Dante, I don’t know what to say.” His words slapped me in the face. This time? Mr. King has hit him before. It all made sense. The reason Dante was always at Aiden’s and so many other things made so much more sense to me now. “I don’t know what to say, Dante. I’m sorry. I didn’t know. I had no idea.”
“Yea, well … I guess you wouldn’t. I never told you. It’s not something I care to share.” He let his head hang, one knee drawn into his chest. I reached for his other hand and held it. “He hasn’t done it in a while. At least, not since he found out about the whole incident with Mel and the drugs. Before that he hadn’t hit me in a while. It’s not like I didn’t ask for it. I wasn’t the best kid.” His voice was quiet and I realized that Dante and I had both been hanging on to secrets from our past. Both afraid what the other would think if those secrets came to light. I stifled the memory of my own skeletons and concentrated on him. Now was not the time to bring up my past, though it was definitely something I needed to talk to him about.
A part of me was shocked that Mr. King would do that. It didn’t make sense. I knew he loved Dante. I could tell. I also knew that sometimes, adults— parents— could display a cruelness that their children could never imagine. I experienced that much. Maybe not in the physical way Dante had. But verbally, both my parents spewed cruelty I had never guessed them capable of.
I needed to console him. He seemed so lost. I grasped for the right words, “All I can say is, I’m sure they have loved you the best way they’ve known how. And as for you, you are so much more than you give yourself credit for. I told you before and I will say it again.” I grabbed his chin, forcing him to look at me. “We all make mistakes. I refuse to refer to my baby as a mistake but, my God, I never intended on being a mom at my age. I think if we were planning it we would have chosen for it to go differently, right?” He nodded. “Right, but we didn’t plan and now we have this situation. Does that make me a horrible person?”
“No.” His defeated tone was killing me.
“Okay, well, your situations don’t make you a horrible person, either. Looking back maybe you would have chosen differently, but you didn’t plan and you ended up having to deal with the situations. It’s the lessons you learn, the changes you make and the where you go from here, that show your true character, Dante. I love you.” I placed my hand over his heart. “I love who you are. I know you. Right now you are hurt. You are second guessing our situation and the father you are going to be. You are scared and you are confused. You are in fight mode and that’s okay. That’s what you’ve learned, that’s how you’ve made it this far. But I’m here, right here.” I grabbed his hand and placed it on my heart. “I’m not going anywhere. I’m not judging you. I’m going to walk side by side with you through this and I want you to know that right here,” I patted his hand on my heart pressing it harder into my chest. “Right here is where you are, it’s where you belong. You are safe, right here. Okay?”
He grabbed me, pulling me into him tightly. “I love you so much.” He placed a soft kiss just below my ear.
“I love you so much.” I said.
***
That night he refused to go home. He dropped me off at my house and headed to Aiden’s.
My phone was buzzing and I knew exactly who it would be, since her shift just ended. Sitting on my bed, cuddling the cute blanket he bought, I answered Nat’s call.
“Hey girl.” I said.
“So, spill.” She wanted details and I explained it all to her.
“Okay, but come on, you had to expect a bad reaction, right?” She asked.
“I did … but I guess— I guess—” I was suddenly having trouble breathing.
“Raquel, don’t get all worked up. They’ll come around.” She tried to console me.
“No, Nat— I’m not. I’m— something is— something’s— Ow!” I yelled into the phone.
“Rock? Rocky what’s wrong?” She grew concerned.
“I don’t know. I— Ow!” I yelled again.
“Raquel? Is your mom there?” She worried.
“No, she had to …work.” My stomach was definitely cramping and the pain was really sharp. I knew something was wrong.
“Rock … call 911. I’m on my way.”
“I don’t think I need 911.” I huffed.
“I’m on my way!” She yelled at me.
“Natty, something’s wrong.” I was full on crying. I thought she hung up but suddenly I could hear the line ringing.
“Nat? What’s up?” Aiden answered.
> “Aiden, you and Dante need to go to the hospital quick. I’m bringing Rock— something’s wrong!”
“Ow!” I cried into the phone, doubling over from the pain.
“Raquel?” Aiden was scared. I could hear Dante yelling in the background, right before the phone dropped.
Natalia came through the garage, “Rock, let’s go!” I hunched over and tried to hurry to her car. She helped me in and fastened my seat belt. I knew she was scared, but she was completely under control. She sped the whole way there.
We got to the entrance of the emergency room and she slammed her car into park right in front. She yelled at me to stay in the car as she ran in. A couple of nurses came out with a wheel chair and helped me in. Nat was giving them all the information she could.
***
The next thing I knew, I was having an internal scan done along with blood tests. It was very scary. The doctor informed me that I was bleeding internally and had an ectopic pregnancy. They found a cyst as well as the baby inside my fallopian tube. There was blood in there as well. I had to go to surgery immediately. The next thing I remember was waking up in a bed hooked up to an IV. The nurses quickly transferred me to a room helping me into a different bed. I looked around, feeling very groggy, and saw my mom sitting in a chair waiting for me.
“Raquel?” Her eyes were full of tears.
“Hi, Mom.” I tried to smile.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” She was moving my hair out of my face and kissing my cheeks. I knew she wasn’t looking for an explanation at the time. She was just so worried.
“Is Dante here, mom?” I looked around.
“Yes, everyone is waiting. He’s been so worried about you. Your dad is on his way too. Mr. and Mrs. King were here, but Dante sent them home. Aiden and Natalia are waiting with him.” I nodded, laying my head back down. “Are you thirsty? Are you in pain?”
“I’m uncomfortable. Tired. My throat is a little dry.”
“I’ll get the nurse.” She kissed me again. “I love you, Raquel.”
“I love you too, mom.”
***
The nurse came with some apple juice and a cup of ice. She said I wasn’t due for more pain meds for another hour. I asked if Dante could be brought back. Clearly, we needed to talk.
“Rock.” He had definitely been crying. His eyes were swollen and I felt horrible for him. I felt guilty. I couldn’t stop apologizing.
“Stop apologizing to me. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” He said, as he rubbed my arm.
“You didn’t do anything wrong.” I grabbed his hand and intertwined my fingers with his; the tears spilling to my cheeks.
“Neither did you. I talked to the doctor. This happens sometimes, it wasn’t anything we did wrong.” Dante sat in the chair where my mom had been. His hand was clammy.
Just then the doctor walked in to talk to me about the surgery. He said it went well; whatever that was supposed to mean. They were able to save the tube. I would need to recover for a few days there in the hospital. Then I would be discharged and still need to recover at home. The stitches were dissolvable, so I wouldn’t have to come back for that. I did, however, need to make an appointment with my doctor for further testing.
I tried to process all of this. It seemed completely unreal. I started this day out pregnant, engaged, with my life ahead of me looking up in so many ways. I would fall asleep tonight without my baby. I never knew if it was a boy or girl. I never got to name my baby. I was devastated, but I refused to show it to anyone outside. I laid there screaming on the inside. Swallowed up by a big black hole and comforting everyone else one by one as they walked in teary eyed and apologetic. When all was said and done, the nurses sent everyone home. I insisted on Dante going too.
***
The days in the hospital were hard. Coming home was even harder. Apparently no one noticed the little yellow heap sitting on the floor, next to my bed. I walked into my room and immediately burst into tears. My mom was trying to be strong for me, but this time she cried and left to go to her room. Dante saw what caused my breakdown and was a nervous wreck trying to hand it to Nat, for her to get rid of it.
“No! Give that to me! That’s mine!” I snatched it from them.
“Here, lay down.” He helped me to bed and lay next to me, grabbing the blanket and placing it near me. I turned my head and cried into the blanket.
“Rock, is there anything we can get you?” Nat asked quietly.
“I want to be alone— please.” I sobbed.
Dante got up and left with Nat. I didn’t look, but I felt his weight leave the bed. I heard the door close and I threw the yellow blanket as hard as I could. I really wished it were a brick at this point. I was so angry. I was angry at myself, angry at everyone and everything. Why did this have to happen? What did I ever do to deserve this? Why me? I grabbed the pillow and hugged it to my face to muffle my screams. That’s when my mom came in.
“Raquel. Mija, listen to me. This wasn’t your fault. This wasn’t Dante’s fault. It wasn’t anyone’s fault. I won’t tell you that everything happens for a reason, or time will heal this wound. What I will say is that you have a right to be upset and you need to cry and let this out. I’m here for you, Dante, Natalia, Aiden, the Kings, your dad, Aunt Yvette; we are all here for you. Don’t do this to yourself, do you hear me?”
I couldn’t answer her but I cried hard into my mom’s arms. My red eyes ached, my head was pounding, my nose was stuffy and my lips were swollen. I was completely spent. She lay down beside me, and I finally fell asleep.
CHAPTER 29
Time doesn’t heal the wound. I think time helps you to live with the pain of the wound and the scars left behind. I followed my doctor’s orders and did the day to day things that were required of me, having little ambition to go beyond that. Time kept passing me by.
“Rock, I thought this might help. I know you don’t want to talk about it. Maybe, if you read these— see what other people have been through— it might help you.”
Dante placed his laptop on my lap as we sat on the couch in silence. “Yea, okay. Set it there and I’ll look at it in a little while, okay?”
“Okay.” He sighed. “I miss you.”
I felt the hot tears coming. “I’m sorry. I’m trying, okay.”
“I’m not pressuring you. I’m sad, too.”
“Don’t you think I know that?” I snapped. His eyes grew wide. “Dante, that’s part of the problem, okay? I know you probably hate me, deep down. I hate me. I hate this stupid body of mine. I hate it!” I cried.
“That’s not true. I don’t hate you, I love you, Raquel. This doesn’t change things. I’m so sorry you feel that way. I’m sorry that this happened. I’m sorry we lost our baby. I do wish that you were still pregnant. I can’t help that, but I don’t blame you. Not for one second. I love your body. I love you. I don’t blame you.” He grabbed my face into his hands as he spoke, his eyes intense. “We can try again; when the time is right, when you feel better. The doctor said you can try again. If you want to, okay?”
I nodded. I wanted to give him hope. I had to at least give him that. The truth was I didn’t know if I wanted to try again. I was crippled with fear. I never in my life wanted to feel the pain I was feeling again. How could I tell him that I never wanted to get pregnant again?
***
A few weeks later, when I still hadn’t really snapped out of my slump, Nat came to see me.
“Hey, how you doing?” She sat beside me.
“A little bit better.” I smiled.
“That’s good, Rock, really good.” She patted my leg.
“Natalia, I’m going to go ahead and give the vacation to you and Aiden.” I said.
“Raquel, no. That was a gift for you. Save it.”
“I won’t have a chance to use it anytime soon. I want to do this for you.” I insisted.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m one hundred percent positive.” I smiled.
“Thank you
, Rocky.”
“Thank you. That was a little easier than I expected.” She never gives in easily.
“Well, I haven’t been in the mood to argue with you much lately. You have no idea how happy it makes me to see you smiling.” She smiled at me.
I immediately felt guilty. I knew it was silly, but I hadn’t felt like smiling. It felt wrong. How could I feel happy after what happened? I knew that I couldn’t live my life in the dark cloud I had been in, but the guilt I felt for losing our baby was hard to release.
“Has Dante came by today?” She seemed to search my face for answers.
“He hasn’t, he’s been giving me my space. I haven’t really left him with much of a choice.”
I could see her fidgeting. She had something to say, but she was holding back. It wasn’t like her, but she was trying to keep from upsetting me. For some reason, that upset me more. My feelings were pretty irrational lately.
“What?” I looked at her, waiting for her to spit it out.
“Nothing, Rock; Dante’s trying to deal with this too.”
“I know that, Nat. I do. I just didn’t have the strength to help him with his pain, while I was dealing with mine.” I knew that was selfish, but it was also true.
“I get it. I think, maybe, it would be easier if you two dealt with it together. He loves you so much Rock, don’t push him away.” She pleaded.
“I’m not. I’m not trying to, anyway.” I looked away.
“Have you told him that?” She asked.
I thought about it. Hadn’t I? After a little bit of silence she got up to leave. “Okay, well I got to go. I wanted to stop by to see you. I’ll be back tomorrow, okay?”
“Yea, okay.”
***
Dante stopped by later that day.
“Hey Rock.” Dante walked in giving me a one armed hug. “These are for you.”
I took the flowers, “Why?”
“It’s our anniversary.” He said plainly.
“No, no it’s not.” I shook my head.
“Yes, this is the anniversary of the first time I met you.” He said.
Breaking Down (The Breaking Series) Page 28