I thought about that. It wasn’t the right day. “Babe, it wasn’t in July. It was in August last summer.” I corrected him.
“Well last summer wasn’t the first time.” He smiled and tapped the end of my nose.
He was right. We met briefly the summer before. But, I didn’t realize he even remembered. The smile took over my face like liquid sunshine.
“Beautiful.” He kissed me. “Let’s go put them in water.”
“Thank you. You surprised me. I didn’t even know you remembered that.”
“Of course I remember. How could I ever forget you?” He walked to the, kitchen looking through the cabinets till he found the vase he had been looking for. As he put water in and arranged the flowers, he continued to talk. “I remember walking into the coffee shop and being immediately drawn to you. I was kind of nervous. I hadn’t even realized I left you holding out your hand until I already walked away. By then you were so busy in conversation with everyone else, I figured I was better off not making a bigger fool of myself. You didn’t seem the least bit interested in me, anyway.”
“Are you kidding me? I was in awe when you walked in. You were so co— confident—”
“Were you about to call me, cocky?” He raised his eyebrow.
“You were.” I giggled.
He walked up wrapping his arms around me and leaning back against the counter. “I miss your laugh.” He smiled. “And then you came over Aiden’s with Nat the following summer—”
“Yea, and you were on the phone.” I interrupted.
“I was trying to hurry that up.” He gave me a bratty face.
“You seemed irritated with my being there.” I corrected him.
“Far from it. I was trying to figure out why you looked so familiar. It hadn’t dawned on me. When it finally registered, I couldn’t hang up the phone and hurry to the couch fast enough.” He kissed my forehead.
“But you immediately started fighting with me.” I teased him.
“It was kind of funny to see you sitting there with a fortress built up all around you.”
I felt my cheeks grow warm. “I did not have a fortress.”
“You were hogging every pillow.” He laughed causing the twitch in my eye to start up. “It was cute.”
“Shut up, Dante.” I smacked his chest.
“I knew you were interested then. You tried so hard to keep me away, but the next thing I knew you were so close to me and driving me crazy. I kept wondering what would have happened if we weren’t interrupted that day.”
“I did too, but you had a girlfriend.” I said.
“Yea well, we were meant to be. You and I. Still are.” He raised the hand that I wore my ring on, kissing it and sending chills throughout my body. “What do you want to do today?”
“I don’t know. Spend it with you.” I smiled.
“You have no idea how good that sounds to me.”
We spent the entire day together. We watched several movies, I cooked for him and then we took naps. He decided he would spend the night. Mom was okay with it, but still required him to stay on the couch. Her house. Her rules. It was kind of a relief. I missed hanging out with him. At the same time, I needed to keep distance there. The last thing I wanted was for him to think I could be intimate again. I couldn’t. I still wasn’t ready for that.
***
Nat and Aiden came back from their Caribbean vacation so excited. We watched videos and slideshows of all the things they got to do. I was very happy that they had gone. It was the least I could do for them; after all they had done for me.
“So you two, have you picked a date yet?” Dante was eyeing Aiden.
“Yea, we were thinking January. You should be done with boot camp by then and hopefully you can plan ahead and be here for it.” Aiden answered.
“Here’s hoping.” Dante said, raising his water bottle.
“How about you two, have you decided?” Nat looked at me.
“Nah, not yet. I keep trying to get her to pin it down but she hasn’t had time to figure it out.” Dante answered dryly.
“No time?” Nat gave me a puzzled look.
“Well, it’s not just time.” I tried defending myself as I gave Dante an annoyed look. “I don’t know how we can plan for it, when we aren’t even sure where he’ll be after boot camp. I think it’s better to wait till he graduates. We’ll have a better idea then.”
“But why should that matter? I mean wherever he ends up, you two are still going to get married. Why not at least try to set the date and get some kind of plan underway instead of leaving it so open ended?” She asked.
She totally irritated me. Why did she need to push this so much? “Natalia, it’s not that simple. Besides, you have enough planning of your own to do. Dante and I will figure this out.”
“Oh. Okay. Excuse me for caring!” She rolled her eyes and then turned to Dante smiling. “We’ll see you later okay? I think it’s time for us to go.” She shot me the evil eye.
Dante said his goodbyes. I waved to the both of them, but Nat wouldn’t even look my way as she walked out. Aiden gave me an awkward side hug before walking out of the door.
“She really took that personal.” I said after they left.
“She cares about us, Rock. She wasn’t butting in, she was just asking.” He defended her.
“I wasn’t being rude, Dante. I understand that she wants to help but she wasn’t helping.”
“Okay, let’s table this for another time. I don’t want to fight.”
We dropped it, but I could tell he was bothered by my answer to. How could I tell him I was having doubts? How could I ruin everything he had been planning? Dante and I only planned on marriage because of the baby and now that that was gone, I wasn’t sure marriage was the best thing for us, right now. Why couldn’t we just stay engaged? Why rush things?
***
By the end of the week I knew that I needed to fix things with Nat and me. Since I quit my job at the restaurant and had taken time off from volunteering, I had a lot more time on my hands. I decided to invite her over.
“Thank you for coming, Nat.”
“Uh huh.” Clearly she was still upset.
“Okay. Um, let’s sit over here.” I walked to the couch. She chose to sit in the recliner instead, putting distance between us.
“So, you wanted to talk.” She motioned for me to get on with it.
“I wanted to apologize.” I said.
“Mm-hmm.” She wasn’t going to make this easy.
“Nat, I know I’ve been moody. I know I haven’t been a very good friend to you.”
“Raquel, you’ve been a fine friend. Yes, you have been moody but that’s understandable. Look, I’m not mad at you for what you said to me. It pissed me off that you basically told me to mind my own business, but I was more upset that you were putting off Dante and you still haven’t told him the truth, Raquel. The whole truth. He deserves to know. Besides it would explain a lot to everyone, why you’re taking this so hard. I’m worried about you, you know. It really isn’t fair, you keeping this secret from everyone. I think you need … help.”
“Help?” I felt completely insulted by her insinuation.
“Look, Rock, I’m not saying you’re mental or anything. I just think that this is out of our league. You’ve been dealing with a lot of stuff with school and your future, and you and Dante. Now the loss and putting off your wedding. It’s a lot for a norm— for anyone.” She quickly corrected herself. “Especially someone who has struggled with depression. And not just like being depressed but— dammit Raquel, you know what happened last time. I’m scared okay? I’m worried you aren’t dealing with any of this and you’re gonna take it too far again.”
“Nat, I swore to you. I promised. You know I meant it. I won’t do that. I’m not even thinking about it. I’m just … sad is all.” I’m caught off guard that she would even bring it up.
“But you’re more than just sad. You’re pissing away your whole life. You have no
desire to do anything … at all!” Nat threw her hands up in exasperation.
“I do. I desire to be left alone to deal with it in my own way; in my own time! I’m sick and tired of everyone probing me and pushing me to get over it and get on with being normal,” I put quotations up for her to see I caught her earlier slip up. “Quit staring at me like I’m some damn freak!”
“Fine. You swore. You promised. You won’t hurt yourself. You need time to get over it and move on. Okay. But what about Dante, Raquel? You can’t leave him hanging! It’s not fair to him.” She sat back and folded her arms tightly around her chest.
“I’m not leaving him hanging, Nat. I love him. I want to marry him. I just don’t know when I want to do it.” The words spilled out before I could stop them.
She sat up and peered at me, “Have you told him that? Because he seems to be under the impression that everything is still going on the same, with the two of you. But every time I talk to you, it sounds like you’re thinking of your forever with Dante in the far off future.”
“He said we were getting married soon?” I cringed.
“Raquel, why would he want to wait? He wants to marry you. Do you still want to marry him?” She smacked her hands to her legs.
“I do. I want to. I just need more time.” I looked away.
“Fine. You need time. Did you tell him that?” She calmed down a little.
“I thought he understood. He knows that this has been hard. He knows that I’m trying.” I said.
“But. Does. He. Know. That. You. Want. To. Wait?!” She said through gritted teeth.
I shook my head. “I haven’t specifically told him, no.”
“Then you need to. And it needs to be soon. It’s not fair, Raquel.” She stood and left, slamming the door behind her.
CHAPTER 30
The end of summer was fast approaching now. I hadn’t spoken to Nat in weeks after our blow up. She refused to talk to me until I came clean and I hadn’t been ready to do that yet. Anytime Dante tried to get me to call her I insisted I wouldn’t be the one and that she needed to apologize. He knew we argued again, but I never told him what it was all about. Dante was ready to head to boot camp and I would be starting my first year of college. I hoped I could wait until then to talk about it. I figured we would both be in a better place by then.
“Raquel, I really want to figure out a date, baby.” He looked up at me, eyes unsure as he lay propped on his elbow facing me in my bed.
“I know. I think it’s a little hard right now without knowing where you will end up after graduation.” I said.
“That’s why I would have liked to have done it before I left.” He smiled.
“Dante, please don’t. I feel bad enough. I think it’s better if we wait until after your graduation.”
He sighed and rolled onto his back. I hated this. I hated that I hurt him this way. I couldn’t marry him yet. I still wanted to, eventually. I just needed time. He was ready to move on and I wasn’t. “Can I ask you a question? Be honest…” He finally said.
I could feel it coming. My stomach dropped.
“Do you still want to marry me?” He wasn’t looking at me. His voice was timid and I stared at him unable to look away. I did still want to marry him. I knew I still loved him. When I thought about marrying Dante, it felt like something in the far future, not something I wanted to rush into anytime soon.
“Of course. Yes, I do.” I said.
“Are you sure? You hesitated long enough.” He met my gaze.
“Do you?”
“Yes. Rock, but you know that. I need you to please be honest with me. What were you thinking just now?” He pleaded.
I tried to explain, “I am, Dante. I do, I just need time. I need you to understand. I want to spend my life with you, but I can’t pick up and move on like you can. I’m trying to. I wish everyone would understand. I really am trying.”
He raised his head up looking at me intently, “We do understand. I do. I feel like you push me away. We make a little bit of progress and then you push—”
“I don’t mean to.” I interrupted.
“Don’t you?” He dropped back down to the bed.
I thought about that. If I was being honest I had. I let Dante get close but as soon as I felt he was getting too close, I pushed. I wasn’t ready to tell him about my past. I still needed to get through the present. He was ready to get married. We hadn’t even been intimate since I lost the baby. The last thing I wanted was to be put into a position where he wanted to be intimate with me. I didn’t want to risk the possibility of getting pregnant again. I never wanted to experience that loss again— ever!
“That’s what I thought.” His irritated voice broke through my thoughts.
“What do you want me to say? I’m sorry. Dante, I’m sorry. I wish I could move forward. I want to.”
“Then do something about it, Raquel. Stop pushing me away and stringing me along. I can’t even hold you or kiss you without you flinching. Either you love me or you don’t. Either we have a future or we don’t. I need to know. I can’t be put on pause. I love you. I want a future with you. I leave next week and I want to know if we are moving forward or—” His words hung in the air.
“I love you and I want to marry you, but all of that is something I want … in time. Please understand I never want to hurt you. I’ve never wanted to string you along. You deserve better. You deserve more than I can give you right now, Dante. I can’t promise you when that will change. I can’t possibly know if things will ever go back to normal for me.”
“So that’s it? You can’t promise me a future? You can’t try to move forward and give me any hope here? You won’t even try, Raquel? You won’t get help? We aren’t worth the effort? Come on! You’re killing me here.” He was angry, not yelling but instead speaking in a very clipped tone.
I didn’t want to lose him. I just didn’t want to move forward yet. But telling him that would break his heart. I didn’t know what else to say, “I’m sorry.”
“So you keep saying. I’m beginning to wonder though. I've got to go.” He stood up quickly and started to walk out of my door.
“Dante— wait! Please!”
“I’ve been waiting. I’m done waiting.” He left in a huff.
Amazingly I had no tears. I was exhausted. I knew I needed to cry, I should let it out. It was painful the way everything built up and stuck in the pit of my stomach. I couldn’t cry. Instead the tears stung the backs of my lids and lingered there.
I lay in the bed for hours thinking about what I let happen. Dante did deserve better. He needed to move forward and I couldn’t. His future was so bright and all I could see were clouds. Why couldn’t he give me more time? I wasn’t saying I didn’t love him. I wasn’t saying I didn’t want to marry him, eventually. All I needed was time. Was that really too much to ask? I guess for Dante it was.
***
“Raquel?”
“Yes Mom.” I tried to shove the suitcase behind me.
“What are you doing?” She peered around my back.
Darn! Caught red handed. I was going to ease her into this but I had no choice now. “Mom, I talked to Daddy. We think it’s best if I take some time. Get away for a little while.”
“You’re going to visit your dad?” Her tone was even, but I could tell in her face she knew there was more to it.
“Well, kind of. I just, well, sit down Mommy.” I motioned to my bed, scooting the suitcase to the floor.
“Raquel, what’s going on?” She gave me a wary look.
“Dante and I broke up.”
“But your engagement—” She seemed shocked.
“It’s off. Dante said he was tired of waiting for me to commit to marrying him.” I explained the short version of what happened.
“You are committed, aren’t you? You agreed to marry him. You guys are engaged.”
“But I wouldn’t agree to a date. It isn’t his fault, mom. He was right. I want to marry him; I wanted to. I ju
st didn’t want to any time soon. I had no idea when I would be ready for that.” I tried to explain my reasons.
“Raquel, why? Why are you doing this to yourself? Why are you giving up everything? You quit your job, the volunteer work, you’re pushing Natalia away and letting Dante go— you’re sabotaging your whole life. Why? Running away isn’t going to solve anything.” She was angry.
“I’m not running, Mom. I’m making a decision for myself. I talked to Dad and he thinks if I get some help— some good counseling— I’ll feel better.” I gave her a halfhearted smile.
“This is what you want?” She glared at me.
“I think it’s for the best. Besides, Michael has been talking about moving in together. I know you want to, Mom, and you’ve been waiting because of me. Now you don’t have to wait.”
“Don’t make this about me, Raquel. If you are sure this is going to help you, then do it for that. I want you to be happy.”
“There’s more. Mom, you remember what happened? In L.A.” I searched her face for awareness.
Her mouth grew into a thin hard line. “Yes, why?”
“Well, I didn’t deal with it very well. Mom, it was torture. Going to school with all those kids staring and laughing, and the rumors. Mom, the rumors were awful. I hated it. I hated myself. Then you and daddy fighting all the time, I knew it was my fault. I wanted it all to stop. I didn’t know how to stop it, but I— I tried to.” The tears rolled down my cheeks.
“What do you mean you tried to?” She grabbed my chin, forcing me to look at her.
“I tried to hang myself.” I said quietly.
She gasped.
“The rope broke. It didn’t work. I couldn’t even do that right.” I shook my head, remembering that night. “Malachi came over after, but he didn’t know. No one did. I wanted to try again but then I found out about the divorce and us moving here with Nat and Tia and I guess I just tried to move on.”
My mom hugged me tight. She sobbed in my arms as I patted her hair. In between her gasps she would say she was sorry. She apologized over and over again. I knew she was sorry. She had no idea. How could she? My parents were living in their own hell, dealing with the school and the courts and they had no idea I had overheard them fighting and blaming my stupid, idiotic, and moronic decisions. No idea that I knew that when they were in their heated arguments they would say things like, ‘Your whore of a daughter’ or ‘It’s your fault she is so stupid. So naïve.’ Really, it was neither of their faults. It was mine. It was his. Mostly mine though. How, how, how, could I have been attracted to a monster like that? I fantasized about him kissing me. I dreamt about him. I’m disgusting and warped and if Dante only knew, he’d run. I can’t lose him. I’ve already lost him.
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