A Funny Thing About Love

by Rebecca Farnworth

  ‘I also have to thank my family, especially Penny. My work took me away from home a lot, but I think it’s my turn to make it up to her, and I’m going to be the domestic rock for a change and support her in her work.’

  He raised his glass to Penny, who said, ‘Don’t worry, kids, I’ll still cook.’ Matthew was known to be able to make macaroni cheese and that was it. But there was real warmth in her voice; theirs was a marriage that had weathered many a storm.

  ‘And this is of course also Carmen’s leaving party, so I’m now going to hand over to her.’ Matthew ignored Carmen’s frantic gesticulations to the contrary. What the hell was she going to say? She hadn’t prepared anything and she hated speaking off the cuff.

  ‘Thanks, Matthew,’ she replied through slightly gritted teeth, aware of everyone in the room looking at her. ‘Before I say anything, I think we should all give a toast to Matthew. He’s been a fabulous boss, an inspiration. I’m sure we’re all going to miss him greatly. Here’s to Matthew, and good luck in his new career as a writer and apparently a domestic goddess, though I’m guessing Nigella doesn’t have anything to fear just yet.’

  ‘I protest!’ Matthew called back, ‘My macaroni cheese is without compare.’

  ‘To Matthew,’ the room took up the chorus. Then looked at her expectantly.

  ‘So as you know I also resigned last week. I’m going to miss all of you, but I felt it was time for me to have a change. I’m absolutely terrified about it, but it had to be done. Thanks for all your support over the years, the gossip in the ladies’ loos, and the many laughs.’ She ground to a halt, not knowing what else to say.

  ‘To Carmen,’ Will declared next to her. ‘Funny, impetuous, gorgeous Carmen. We’re all looking forward to the comedy drama.’

  ‘To Carmen,’ the room echoed.

  Carmen smiled and Will raised his glass to hers. She rather liked his toast, but wasn’t so sure that she wanted him to know that yet. As she was now surrounded by Lottie, Trish and Daisy, Will touched her briefly on the shoulder. ‘I’ll catch up with you in a bit,’ he said, moving off to talk to Janie, one of his clients, a female comedian whom Carmen was convinced had the hots for him. It had been one of the many things she’d teased him about.

  ‘He’s not interested in Janie,’ Trish told her, seeing Carmen looking at the couple.

  ‘He’s been pining for you,’ Lottie said, ‘in a state of depression.’

  Carmen looked at the pair of them in disbelief. ‘No way.’

  ‘It’s true.’ Daisy actually spoke. Usually she restricted herself to glaring, eye rolling and vigorous gum chewing. ‘He really hasn’t been himself.’

  ‘You see,’ Carmen exclaimed, ‘this is exactly why I always said I wouldn’t have a relationship with anyone at work. I don’t need the analysis!’

  ‘Oh, shut up,’ Lottie said good-naturedly. ‘And tell us if he’s asked you out yet.’

  A pause, which Carmen milked for dramatic effect, then she came out with, ‘He might have.’

  ‘Carmen!’ the trio exclaimed in exasperation.

  ‘Okay then, yes!’

  ‘That’s so romantic,’ Trish sighed. ‘Will is lovely. I know he has that tough exterior, but underneath he’s so kind and warm and passionate, I’m betting.’

  ‘She’s just pleased that Will managed to get the fish for her,’ Daisy said.

  ‘They’re tropical – I’ve got some guppies and angelfish,’ Trish said proudly. ‘Do you want to see the pictures of them?’

  ‘Could I get some more champagne first?’ Carmen replied. She really could not be expected to look at Trish’s fish sober.

  Conversation then moved on from Will and fish, and Carmen didn’t hold back on the champagne. She felt happier than she had all week and she wanted to hold on to that precious feeling, which had been in very short supply lately. The bubbles went straight to her head as she’d barely eaten anything that day, because she was so nervous about seeing Will. Then Casper turned up the music and dimmed the lights and people began dancing. Carmen found herself being led on to the dance floor by Matthew as they all danced to ‘We Are Family’. He spun her around and they both energetic ally threw some shapes. She was slightly worried about Matthew’s dodgy hip, but it seemed to be holding up well.

  ‘So have you and Will got a bit of a thing going?’

  Matthew shouted in her ear over the music. Carmen was surprised. Matthew didn’t usually comment on people’s private lives. She shook her head. Matthew looked sceptical. ‘Just be careful. Will is pretty ruthless. I think he only really cares about work, and I don’t want you to end up getting hurt, especially when you’re feeling vulnerable. I know how much the news about Nick and the baby has upset you.’ Matthew was one of the very few people at Fox Nicholson who knew about that, and his reference to it took the wind out of Carmen’s sails. Right now it was the very last thing she wanted to be reminded of.

  ‘We’re just having fun, Matthew, and I might go out for dinner with him sometime. It’s really no big deal.’

  Matthew put his hand lightly on her arm. ‘Good girl, you deserve it.’

  He made to spin her around but she smiled. ‘I’m going to get a drink.’

  She wove her way through the dancers, trying to block out Matthew’s words. Molly was passing out shots of tequila. Carmen waylaid her and downed two in quick succession. ‘Respect.’ Molly said, looking at her in awe.

  ‘Rubbish,’ Will replied, appearing at Carmen’s side. ‘It’s not big or clever.’

  ‘It’s my leaving party and I’ll get drunk if I want to,’ Carmen replied, taking a third shot. She stumbled slightly and Will reached out to steady her arm.

  ‘Are you too drunk to dance?’ he asked. ‘What about dancing cheek to cheek, my lady in red?’

  ‘I’d like to see Casper’s face if you requested that particular number,’ Carmen replied. She was definitely feeling wobbly.

  At that moment The Cure’s ‘Lovecats’ came on. Molly let out a snort of disgust. ‘What is it with this old timers’ music? I want a bit of Kasabian.’

  ‘It’s a classic, young lady,’ Will told her. ‘And anyway, it’s your dad’s leaving party, you’ve got to let him have his tunes.’

  Molly gave him the face version of ‘whatever’ before one of her waitress friends joined her and they both did that teenage girl thing of huddling together and giggling.

  Will turned to Carmen and held out his hand. ‘Come on, let’s show these teenagers how it’s done.’

  Now this was a testing moment in any courtship. How did the man dance? Would Will sway from foot to foot as if he had concrete in his shoes, or would he throw some foxy moves that would have her wondering if he was entirely straight? Or would it be a version of Michael Douglas dirty dancing in a V-necked sweater with Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct that had the power to give any woman nightmares?

  She took Will’s hand and followed him to the dance area. Once they were in the throng she was all set to let go, but Will kept hold of her hand and they performed a version of an energetic jive to the music, with him spinning her round and performing some smouldering moves with his hips that would have had the judges on Strictly Come Dancing combusting with delight. Will was a good dancer, he had rhythm. He went up further in Carmen’s estimation.

  After ‘Lovecats’ came ‘Wake me Up Before You Go-Go’, where Carmen and Will deliberately camped it up and strutted around the floor, occasionally catching each other’s eye and giggling, then Casper dramatically slowed down the pace with Sinatra’s ‘One for My Baby’. Carmen looked at Will and smiled. ‘Did you pay Casper to put this on?’

  Will shook his head. ‘So will you dance with me?’

  Carmen stepped into his arms. They moved slowly to the music, which was steeped in regret and loss. ‘Funny that we should be dancing to this,’ Will said softly. ‘As this is about the end of something, and I really hope we’re at the beginning.’

  There was a moment at the end of the song when they
held each other’s gaze, then Casper segued into ‘Smack My Bitch Up’, which had the consequence of clearing the dance floor as Molly and her posse took over along with Casper and his mates.

  ‘It’s one a.m.,’ Will said as they watched the teenagers do their thing. ‘D’you want to share a taxi?’

  Here was a dilemma. Was Will just proposing a taxi ride? If he was, would she be offended at his lack of interest? If he wasn’t, was she really in the right frame of mind? Was she too vulnerable for Will? She looked into his blue eyes, ‘I’ll just have one more drink, one more for the road.’ She reached for a glass of red wine from a tray Molly had abandoned on the top of the piano in her haste to get down on it.

  ‘Champagne, tequila and now red wine. Miller, you are hardcore and you are going to be so hungover. Come to mine and I’ll make you a cup of tea and feed you paracetamol.’

  Carmen glugged back some wine and then pulled a face; she really had drunk too much. She was getting the blurry, spinny-head feeling.

  Will took the glass out of her hand and put it back on the tray. ‘Come on, let’s call that taxi.’ He took her arm and they wove through the partygoers.

  While Will called for a taxi on his mobile, Carmen found that she had to cling to the banisters for support, swaying gently from side to side like some kind of drunk orang-utan. This was not good. Orang-utans were cute but not sexy. She tried looking down but the black-and-white tiles swam in front of her eyes. Looking up was no better as the light, table and Will started to perform a slow waltz in front of her. It was actually rather delightful but she wasn’t in her twenties any more, she knew perfectly well what this signalled – the descent into drunkenness and the certainty of a humdinger of a hangover. She had to ask Will if he had peppermint tea. She always drank peppermint tea after a night on the lash as if it was supposed to offer some miraculous cure. It never did, of course.

  Will finished the call. ‘Are you very drunk, Miller?’

  ‘Very,’ she smiled at him. ‘So did you mean what you said about me? That I’m funny, impetuous and gorgeous?’ She swung out one of her arms and nearly lost her balance. Will put his arms round her waist and she sort of collapsed into him.

  ‘And drunk, but very lovely with it.’ He was definitely being Sexy Will now, not smarmy. He leaned towards her and lightly kissed her lips. Yes, very sexy. Carmen lightly kissed him back, lord, how she hoped it was lightly and not a drunken slobber. And then Sexy Will slid his arms round her neck and she slid her arms round his waist, his very satisfyingly hard abs – all those sessions in the gym before work had definitely paid off. Got to love a man who worked out. She breathed in slightly. The only workout her abs had been getting lately was digesting Oreos and salt and vinegar Hula Hoops. And then the heat turned up on the kiss as it went from PG to a definite 18 certificate, a steamy, sexy, take me, devil-may-care kiss. Even drunk, Carmen registered how good the kiss was, even better than their first, and as Will pressed his body into hers she registered something else pressing into her at a very pleasurable angle – perhaps him being only slightly taller than her had its advantages after all. Except now the something was vibrating, which seemed a little freaky.

  He pulled away and scrabbled in his pocket for his phone. Ah, that explained it. ‘The taxi’s here. Are you coming?’

  I practically just have, Carmen did not reply. ‘I should say goodbye to everyone,’ she said instead.

  She and Will walked back into the living room. Music was still blasting out, this time ‘Let’s Dance’, and Matthew and Penny were dancing with their kids. Everyone else was slumped on the sofas and chairs. Carmen went up to Matthew and shouted, ‘I’m off now.’

  Matthew raised his eyebrows when he noticed Will standing behind her.

  Carmen ignored the look. ‘I’ll give you a ring next week. Let’s have lunch – us writers should stick together.’

  ‘I’d love to,’ Matthew replied, then reached for her hand and kissed it. ‘Look after her, Will,’ he said in a decidedly cooler tone than he had used with Carmen.

  In the taxi Carmen’s inhibitions had long since left the building. No more was she too-cool-for-school Carmen; she was drunk-as-a-skunk Carmen. ‘Lovely Will,’ she said, snuggling next to him. He really was lovely, why had she held back for so long?

  ‘Lovely Carmen,’ Will replied, putting on her seat belt for her. And safety-conscious too. She laid her head on his shoulder. She’d just rest her eyes until they got to his place and then she’d feel refreshed and up for whatever Will was. Tea and paracetamol! Ha, she knew what his real agenda was! He really was lovely and smelt lovely too. She liked Jo Malone, they both loved comedy, liked coffee, they could share a packet of Wobbly Worms, they were a very good match, they were bound to be great in bed together. She just needed to conserve her energy for that bit.

  ‘You okay?’ Will asked.

  ‘Hmm,’ she murmured. ‘Lovely.’

  * * *

  ‘Are you okay?’ Will was speaking to her.

  ‘Hmm,’ Carmen murmured back, snuggling deeper into the duvet. Hang on a minute, why was Will talking to her in bed? A montage of images flashed up in her mind: the party, the flirtation, the dancing cheek to cheek, the kiss, the – what the bloody hell happened next? Carmen had absolutely no recollection of how she had ended up in Will’s bed. Naked, apparently, except for a pair of briefs. She cautiously opened her eyes. Will was up and dressed and sitting on the edge of the bed. He looked as fresh as a daisy. Carmen felt as fresh as a dung heap.

  ‘What am I doing here?’ she croaked, sounding as if she’d spent the night chain-smoking unfiltered Gitanes.

  ‘You don’t remember? Well, young lady, you wanted to ravish my body, every inch of it, apparently, to do the dirtiest, naughtiest things. Really, Miller, I was shocked. I always thought you were a nice girl, but then they’re always the dirtiest, aren’t they?’

  ‘We didn’t, did we?’ Carmen croaked tentatively.

  Will rolled his eyes and left a pause before putting Carmen out of her misery. ‘I like to think I’m a little more memorable than that! Nothing happened because in the taxi you fell asleep, which is really the polite way of saying you passed out. You were still passed out when we arrived back at my flat and I couldn’t wake you up. I had to carry you inside with the taxi driver, and do you know what floor we’re on?’

  Carmen shook her head, then winced as the hangover kicked in with a vengeance.

  ‘The second. My back may never be the same.’

  ‘Oh God!’ Carmen exclaimed, mortified, pulling the duvet up so only her no-doubt bloodshot eyes were visible. ‘It’s like a scene from a bad rom com. I’m so sorry.’

  ‘D’you mean about my back or about being a cliché?’ Will sounded amused.

  ‘Both,’ Carmen muttered.

  ‘Well, I know you’d had a pretty stressful week, so I’m not too offended. You’re always going on about what a tough bastard I am, but as you can see, I’m a total gentleman.’

  ‘But why am I practically naked?’ She fervently hoped that Will had not undressed her in her state of drunken stupor – talk about blowing her air of mystery!

  ‘Because in the night you suddenly sat up, declared that you were boiling hot and pulled everything off. But it was dark, I promise I didn’t see anything. And yes, I slept in the same bed as you because my sofa bed is knackered and I really didn’t want to sleep on the floor, and it is my bed. It was the least you could do after failing to carry out your threat to ravish me like a beast.’

  ‘I did not say that!’ Carmen exclaimed. ‘However drunk I was, I would never say such a thing.’

  Will looked at her then smiled. ‘You’re right, but you did tell me I was lovely, which I take to mean that you wanted to ravish me like a beast. I learned something else about you last night – you are an appalling duvet hogger and at one point you were muttering to yourself about having to have the duvet folded under your feet because of the foot monster.’

  Carmen was an appalling
duvet hogger, she had been told this on countless occasions by Nick and she did indeed have a thing about having the duvet folded under her feet because of the foot monster – a mythical creature from her childhood which she had never quite managed to shake off. But that hardly said sexy, independent woman, did it?

  ‘I don’t know what you mean,’ she replied.

  Will clearly decided to be gentle with her. ‘Anyway, cup of tea, toast? Paracetamol?’

  ‘All of the above please,’ Carmen said. As soon as Will walked out of the room she shot out of bed and headed for the ensuite bathroom, ignoring her pounding head. The reflection looking back at her in the mirror was a dishevelled study in the-morning-after-the-night-before. Her mascara had smudged, her hair was all over the place. She looked rough as an old boot. Oh God, Will was never going to fancy her again after this, unless he had a weird fetish thing going on for old boots.

  Quickly she washed her face with some of Will’s Clinique face wash.

  That got him a tick. She liked a man to take care of himself; she definitely wasn’t interested in a man who couldn’t even bring himself to use moisturiser or face wash because he thought it was poofy. Her view was that she made the effort and she expected something in return. Face wash and moisturiser were the minimum, she didn’t mind a bit of tweezering round the eyebrows to avoid the Neanderthal mono-brow and maybe even a back wax. She cleaned her teeth by using the trusty late-night stop-out method of squeezing toothpaste on to her forefinger and rubbing hard. She just hated not flossing, but this would have to do. Then she dived into the shower. Even more brownie points for Will for the Jo Malone shower gel.

  Five minutes later she emerged, cleaner in body but still mortified in spirits, and tracked down her clothes in Will’s bedroom. Even in her hungover state she registered how tasteful the room was. One wall was taken up with a bookcase crammed with books; the other had a stylish cast-iron fireplace with art nouveau tiles round it, and a print of the Edward Hopper painting of a late-night diner which had always been one of her favourites. Her dress, red bra and tights were all neatly arranged on the black velvet armchair. Carmen blushed as she thought of Will picking up her clothes – it felt just the wrong side of intimate. Although she felt a bit of an idiot putting on her sexy red dress from the night before, she rallied enough to slap on some tinted moisturiser and mascara. By some miracle her hair didn’t look too bad, apart from a slight kink to her fringe. She might have the hangover from hell, but she didn’t want to look like hell.