Police Humor!

by Oliver Gaspirtz

  Medford, Oregon – A thief stole $1,500 in pennies from a school class. The fifth-grade students had collected the pennies as part of a math lesson.

  Eau Clair, Wisconsin – After being convicted of stealing $470, Michael Potter was given the option to reduce his jail sentence from 90 days to 30 days by standing at the gas station he robbed with a sign around his neck that says: "I'm a thief." Potter accepted.

  Scarborough, England – On June 22nd, 1996, a totally wrecked Ford was found at the bottom of a 100-foot cliff. Police found no sign of the driver, but discovered a pile of human feces on the driver's seat.

  Boynton, Florida – For their attempt to raise money to attend the police academy, Michael Harrison and Kevin Carter were arrested and charged with armed robbery and murder.

  Antioch, California – A 22-year-old man was arrested after allegedly ordering a stranger to fix his truck at gunpoint.

  Brantford, Ontario – After once again smearing a woman with shaving cream, this violating his probation, Michael Ronson was sentenced to another five months probation and is once again forbidden to possess any "compressed-air-impellent shaving cream container."

  Key West, Florida – A restaurant worker killed another as a result of a heated argument over how to put silverware into a dishwasher.

  Los Angeles, California – Eric lee Purvis was sentenced to two years in prison for impersonating a police officer, kidnapping a false imprisonment. Calling himself John Wayne, he "patrolled" the streets of East L.A., "arrested" gang members and dropped them off in neighborhoods controlled by enemy gangs. He finally got caught after entering the home of actor Richard Lee Jackson (Saved by the Bell), where he claimed to be investigating an assault.

  Singapore – Throughout 1996, 51 people were arrested for casually throwing objects, ranging from flower pots to television sets, out of the windows of their high-rise condos.

  Des Moines, Iowa - Early one morning, Ruth Bradshaw was woken up by a noisy burglar. The 93-year-old woman cheerfully greeted the intruder and pretended to know him as a friend of her grandson. She served him breakfast and lied so convincingly that she was able to make the man lay down for a nap. Then she called the police.

  Mount Shasta, California – Joy Glassman, the 60-year-old mother of a fire fighter, was charged with five counts of arson. She allegedly set the fires to help her son's career.

  Lexington, North Carolina – Three men robbed a gas station. The police caught them in a matter of minutes, because the driver tried to count the money and drive at the same time. The getaway car swerved off the road and flipped over.

  Portsmouth, England – A dimwitted gang of British thieves carried out the biggest heist in the history of Hampshire County. They stole high-tech turbine engines worth about $7 million, but then melted them down and sold them as scrap metal for a mere $1,500.

  Kirkland, Washington – A 30-year-old man on a motorcycle decided to test one of those radar signs that automatically measures and displays the speed of approaching vehicles. He raced towards the sign and watched the display reach 59 mph before he lost control of his motorcycle and crashed into the sign. He suffered numerous injuries and had to be hospitalized.

  Marseilles, France – The faith healer Jacques Marchand died after drinking 40 bottles of bleach to demonstrate his supernatural powers to his followers.

  Baltimore, Maryland – A teller at the Harbor Bank was handed a note that said: "I have a gun. Gimme the money or else." He noticed that the note was scribbled on the back of a deposit slip for another bank and he said: "This is a Maryland National transaction. You have to go to Maryland National." The two bank robbers looked at each other in panic and ran away.

  Seattle, Washington – The FBI arrested a couple charged with bank robbery. Federal agents discovered that the couple had kept meticulous records of their heists. Their paperwork included a list of each of their 56 robberies, with details such as date, day of the week, address, state, county, city and the net cash.

  Indiana – Two teenagers were arrested for writing checks with disappearing ink, not realizing that the name of one of the wanna-be con artists was printed on the checks.

  Pennsylvania – A bank robber was sentenced to 24 months in prison. Instead of wearing masks, he and his accomplice had thought that rubbing citric acid on their faces would somehow blur their images on the security cameras.

  Portsmouth, England – A shoplifter was sentenced to three months in jail for stealing the magnetic letters police officers had used to spell his name for a mugshot.

  TOP TEN SIGNS YOU NEED A NEW CONTRACT

  1. The last time you got a raise, Arnold Schwarzenegger was still an actor.

  2. Court time is considered time off.

  3. When you signed your contract, you waived your civil rights.

  4. You get full medical coverage, but you have to travel 50 miles to get to a clinic.

  5. The fine print says that your $40,000 contract only pays $4,000 a year for 10 years.

  6. You cannot be promoted to the rank of captain if your last name is Kirk, Picard, Ahab, Hook or Crunch.

  7. When you wear a wire, you are required to plug yourself into a wall outlet to conserve battery power.

  8. Your contract requires you to laugh at the mayor's jokes, especially the one about how the latest budget cuts won't have any negative effects.

  9. Ever since the morgue's budget was cut, you have to take home the corpses you find, store them in your refrigerator, and perform the autopsy yourself.

  10. Ever since the Department of Sanitation and the Police Department merged, every officer is required to carry a broom and not only keep their beat safe, but clean, too.

  San Marino, California – The California Highway Patrolman magazine reported that a man was so upset about his Cadillac being impounded that he followed the tow truck to the storage yard and "stole" his car back. The same police officer who originally impounded the car saw the man driving his Cadillac away from the tow yard and pursued him. After a car chase that covered 68 miles in 63 minutes, the driver pulled into the parking lot of the police station and gave himself up. He was quoted as saying: "I was tired of being stupid and I came to end it."

  Chippenham, England – Two deaf men from Bristol were caught burglarizing a bicycle shop. The police found them in front of the store, surrounded by broken glass. Due to their disability, the men had not noticed that they had set off the alarm, which had woken up the whole block.

  Baltimore, Maryland – Usually bank robbers take the money and run. Jeffrie Thomas is an exception to that rule. When officers arrived at the Signet Bank and asked employees which way the robber had gone, everyone pointed at Thomas, who was still standing near the teller's booth, counting his loot.

  San Antonio, Texas – A mechanic reported to the police that he found 18 packages of marijuana packed in the engine compartment of a car a woman had brought in for an oil change. Amy Brasher, owner of the car, later admitted that she hadn't realized that a mechanic would need to open the hood to change the oil.

  Coeur D'Alene, Idaho – Harlan Collinsworth called the police to report that his house had been broken into. He told responding officers that the burglar had stolen his VCR, a bong used to smoke marijuana and a stash of pot. Then he showed them his marijuana pipe and mentioned that the thief had failed to steal it. Collinsworth was cited for possession of drug paraphernalia.

  Lake City, Florida – Roll Call magazine reported that Karen Lee Joachimmi was arrested after robbing a Howard Johnson's motel. She was armed with an electric chainsaw, but it wasn't plugged in.

  Dadeville, Alabama – Two men were comparing their knowledge by quoting bible passages. When they disagreed on the exact wording of a particular psalm, one of them pulled out his bible and looked up the passage in question. After realizing that he was wrong, he killed Gabel Taylor, the brother of a preacher, by shooting him in the face.

  St. Paul, Minnesota – When a rape was reported on the local television news, Antonio D. Burton
allegedly said: "I made the headline! Look, I'm on the news! That's me they're talking about!"

  Dayton, Ohio – Janet Hailey climbed into an armored truck and had such great sex with the driver, that he didn't notice that she was holding a bag containing $80,000 when she left his truck.

  Appleton, Wisconsin – Darrell Voeks was arrested for stealing $100,000 worth of farm pigs to pay for breast implants for his favorite stripper at a local club. He was sentenced to 10 years in prison.

  Queens, New York – Burton Pugach, a personal injury lawyer, was sentenced to 14 years in prison for attempted murder after hiring three men to throw lye in the face of Linda Riss, his girlfriend who had threatened to leave him, unless he divorced his wife. Riss was blinded, but agreed to marry him when he proposed to her on television. They moved to Forest Hills after he had been released from prison in the early 70s. Recently, another one of his girlfriends charged him with sexual assault and harassment. She claimed Pugach threatened to kill her if she left him.

  Perth, Australia – In November of 1996, ballroom dancing champion Michael Withers was convicted of the attempted murder of his wife and dance partner, Stacey Larson, in 1994. The jury found that it had not been an accident when Withers poured gasoline all over his wife and then set her on fire, hence burning about 70 percent of her body. During the trial, Larson first testified that she had not seen Withers since the incident, but then admitted that she had slept with him 15 times since then.

  TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'RE DEALING WITH A DUMB CRIMINAL

  1. He took the bus to and from his bank robbery.

  2. He is using his seeing eye dog as a look-out.

  3. Instead of a cherry pie, she shoplifted yeast, flour, eggs, and a jar of cherries.

  4. You caught him driving a stolen car with the club still on.

  5. He tries to convince you that he thought crack was a breakfast cereal.

  6. He responds to your use of verbal force with a bunch of Yo Mama oneliners.

  7. He makes himself laugh every time he says he's innocent.

  8. He claims diplomatic immunity, because he's a citizen of the Republic of Texas.

  9. He asks the judge for a senior citizen discount on his jail sentence.

  10. He left footprints and a bloody glove at the crime scene.

  Great Falls, Montana – Accoridng to a Sheriff's deputy, Tina Beavers was seen on the lawn between the jailhouse and the court building, where she took off her clothes, laid in the grass and made sexually suggestive movements so that her jailed husband could see her from the window of his cell. She was arrested and charged with indecent exposure.

  London, England – Dominic McDonnell and Cathy Snelson met while they were arrested during a raid on a local bar. They spent two hours chatting with their hands cuffed behind their backs. After police released them, they began dating. The couple got married in July 1995.

  Coro, Venezuela – Carlos Jiminez killed his wife Maria in his sleep. He hit her head with his elbow when he rolled over in bed. The court ruled it an accident.

  Tampa, Florida – Robert Meier was accused of marrying his comatose girlfriend hours before her death and running up a $20,000 on her credit bards. Meier admitted that he knew it was wrong, but claimed that his girlfriend's dog told him to do it.

  Queens, New York – The Queens Tribune reported that an abusive husband had attempted to take a swing at his wife, tripped, crashed through a window and plunged five stories, before a tree broke his fall.

  Sarajevo, Bosnia – During an argument between Pero Toljij and his wife, Toljij grabbed a bazooka and chased after her. While she fled to a neighbor's home, Toljij attempted to fire the bazooka at his wife, missed, and accidentally blew up his house. He was arrested.

  Baton Rouge, Louisiana – 22-year-old Charinassa Fairly, accused of shooting her husband Leroy, allegedly wrote a "things to do: list, on which she reminded herself to feed her husband, take a bath with him, have sex with him one last time, then to "pop" him, and hide his body in the refrigerator.

  Detroit, Oregon – A hunter thought he had found a severed human head in an abandoned mining shed and called the police. Deputy Larry Taylor realized it was just the head of a mannequin, when he noticed a price sticker on the forehead.

  Boston, Massachusetts – Police officers moved in on what appeared to be a group of heavily armed terrorists. After the scene was secured, it turned out that the eight armed and masked men were actors. Joshua Naughton, a young indy filmmaker, had failed to notify the local police department that he was filming a movie in a middle school parking lot.

  Oshkosh, Wisconsin – Concerned citizens called 911 when they saw a police officer slumped over the wheel of his patrol car. As it turned out, the officer was just an inflatable doll, dressed in a police uniform to discourage speeders. The dummy had partially deflated due to cold weather.

  Toutle, Washington – In 1995, the Department of Ecology sent a toxic spill team to investigate a foul-smelling pile of green goo near Toutle. It turned out to be a harmless pile of rotting disposable diapers.

  Bar Arbor, Maine – Police investigating a report of a severed human head floating in a pool determined that it was just a dead skunk.

  Australia – The Australian Police Journal reported that an elderly woman had already used about half of the powder in a custard packet, when she discovered an object that appeared to be a large dead cockroach. However, when she brought it to the Health Department, food analysts determined it to be a dried-up human finger. The following investigation revealed that a factory worker had lost two fingers in a machine with rotating blades. One finger had been found. The other had made its way into the custard packet the woman had bought.

  Massapequa Park, New York – Several police officers were burned by acid vomit while rescuing four young men. The four men had attempted to follow an underground recipe for a steroid brew and drank their concoction before the pH level of the fluid was mild enough to be fit for human consumption. All four of them had to be hospitalized with severe internal burns from the acid.

  Redondo Beach, California – After a short chase, officer Fonteno charged the driver of a white Mazda with DUI. The car had been driving down Pacific Coast Highway with the upper half of a traffic light pole lying across its hood. When questioned, the drunk driver said: "It came with the car when I bought it."

  Little Rock, Arkansas – 19-year-old Donterio Beasley called police to tell them that he was stranded and needed a lift. The dispatcher explained to Beasley that they could not send a car to pick him up, because it was against department policy. Minutes later, Beasley called back to report a suspicious person loitering around the phone booth. He described himself, hoping the police would come and pick him up, give him a lift downtown and release him after questioning. He was charged with making a false alarm.

  TOP TEN SIGNS YOU HAVE BEEN EXPOSED TO HAZARDOUS MATERIAL

  1. Two 18-wheelers collided. You arrive at the scene of the accident just in time to see the drivers' bodies melt.

  2. Your body hair is getting so coarse, it's starting to poke through your uniform.

  3. You can predict the weather by the length of your bowel movements.

  4. Instead of chocolate sprinkles, you ask for wood chips on your donuts.

  5. You order raw meat at your favorite restaurant.

  6. Your apartment is suddenly roach-free.

  7. At night there's this eerie green glow. And it's you!

  8. You start to generate electricity and sparks fly from your mouth when you drink water.

  9. The tomatoes growing in your backyard are the size of pumpkins.

  10. They transfer you to Area 51.

  New York, New York – Seven criminals jumped out of a second story window when they thought the police raid next door was really meant for them. The officers investigated the suspicious behavior and found a kidnapped woman in the apartment from which the people had jumped.

  Santiago, Chile – The Police Shield reported that officer Hector Cuev
as became a celebrity in Chile, when a bullet fired at him by a fleeing bank robber bounced off the pen in his shirt pocket, leaving him unharmed except for an ink stain on his shirt. About one year later, he was killed during a rainstorm, when a eucalyptus tree feel on his car.

  Grenaa, Denmark – A court fined a woman for naming her son "Christophpher," a name which is not approved by the ministry that regulates such matters. The woman had been paying a weekly fine of $18 since the birth of her son. After eight years, the court announced it was going to raise the fine to $91 per week, because the woman refused to change the name.

  Florida – A teenager was sentenced to wear an eyepatch for the duration of his one-year prison sentence after having thrown a piece of concrete through a car window, partially blinding the driver. The judge wanted the teenager to know what it feels like to be blind.