by Fiona Harper
‘I thought not. Bye.’
And, before he knew it, she was clomping down the hallway. He ran after her.
‘Gaby! Where are you going? I think we need to talk.’
She stopped, turned and threw her head back and laughed. ‘Oh, I think I’m way past talking,’ she said when the sarcastic laugh ended abruptly. Her features set into a grim expression, then she started to walk away again.
‘Stop!’ He ran forward and reached for her wrist, easily circling it with his much bigger fingers. She went stock still.
‘Take your hands off me.’
‘I will. I just want you to…’ He sniffed the air around them. ‘What on earth have you drenched yourself in?’
‘None of your business!’
‘It is when my woman is going out for a night alone smelling like…!’ Like what? It was perfectly nice perfume. It was just that, after Lucy, that brand always reeked of infidelity to him.
‘“My woman”? Listen to yourself, Luke! You sound like a caveman. I don’t belong to anyone.’
‘But—’
‘But nothing! I’m going out and it’s got nothing to do with you.’
‘Like heck it hasn’t!’ He barged past her and blocked her exit through the back door. For a second he thought she was going to shred her way though him with those newly painted nails, but she folded her arms across her chest and glared at him.
‘You said we were going to spend a night in together!’ Now he sounded like a petulant schoolboy.
‘I changed my mind. I need a night off.’
‘From what? There was nothing to do tonight except open a bottle of wine and watch that DVD you wanted to see.’
She walked up close to him. ‘Now, let’s see.’ She counted off the reasons on her fingers. ‘I need a night off being barked at. A night off being ignored while you moulder in your study. A night off from being the unpaid babysitter and general dogsbody—’
‘You know I don’t expect you to—’
She raised her voice and continued her list at shouting volume. ‘And most of all, I need a night off from you!’
She pushed past him, walked down the path and got into her car, almost yanking the door off. He stayed watching through the open door as, without looking back, she revved the engine and squealed away up the lane.
Dartmouth was busy enough to be interesting, even though it was not yet in the full swing of the tourist season. Gaby chose the bar of the Royal Dart Hotel, hoping she’d avoid the younger crowds and leering singles.
She sat in an upholstered chair near the window and watched the rowing boats bob up and down in what the locals called the ‘boat float’, a small square of water lined with high stone walls and a little entrance tunnel where the dinghies could access the river proper. Nothing was still. The water reflected every light and bounced it around.
If she’d been looking for rest, this was the wrong place to find it. The bar was too noisy and smoky and, since she was driving, she was sitting here with her sad little lemonade watching couples greet each other and have an intimate drink before heading off to the hotel restaurant.
What was she doing here? Really?
She wasn’t enjoying herself. She was miserable. And she felt guilty. True, Luke’s behaviour had left much to be desired in the last couple of weeks, but screeching at him was not the way to handle it.
So much for perfection. The perfect moment she’d wished for had been just that—a moment. Now the real Luke and Gaby were getting down to starting a relationship, it seemed they weren’t as compatible as the fairy tale couple in her head. Big surprise!
But what was she going to do about it? She couldn’t hide out here all night. She was going to have to go back and face him some time. And yet, she wasn’t entirely sorry she’d said what she’d said, just the way she’d said it.
For years she’d been taking all kinds of rubbish from her nearest and dearest. No one seemed to think she had a brain of her own. It was as if she was made of Play-Doh. Everyone had a squish here and a squish there until she fitted the shape they thought she should be. Luke was just the last in a long line.
She took another sip of her lemonade. There had been something wonderfully liberating in her outburst this evening. Of course, she realised now she’d been shouting at the wrong man. The things she’d said were unspoken retorts to years of David’s heckling, bottled up under too much pressure. It was just a pity she hadn’t ever had the satisfaction of releasing them on their rightful owner. Luke might be a little difficult at times, but it was a crime to tar him with the same brush as David.
She’d better go back and apologise.
She picked up her handbag and realised she could hear a faint ringing from inside. Luke? She scrabbled to find her mobile phone amidst the pens, receipts and packets of tissues. At least, inside her handbag, life was going on as normal.
She finally tugged it free and almost forgot to answer it when she saw who it was on the caller ID.
‘Mum?’
‘Gabrielle.’
Gaby quickly pushed past a couple of people milling around the hotel entrance and stepped out on to the street. It was quieter out here and she’d be able to hear her mother better, although why she was phoning was a mystery. They hadn’t talked since Justin’s party.
Even to her own ears her voice sounded wary. ‘What can I do for you, Mum?’
Her mother hesitated. This call was getting stranger and stranger. Her mother never normally wasted time when she had an opening to lecture.
‘I wanted to call to see how you were.’
Ah-ha! Checking up on her.
‘And to apologise.’
Gaby dropped the phone, but managed to catch it between her hand and her knee. ‘I’m sorry, Mum. What was that?’
Her mother sighed. ‘Justin and I had a chat the other day. He was very angry with me after his party, you know.’
No, she didn’t know. She hadn’t heard from Justin either. She’d just assumed she’d been branded the black sheep of the family and left to her own devices.
‘I haven’t talked to Justin recently.’
‘Oh. Well…your big brother decided to tell me a few home truths.’
Justin? Mr Nice Guy? No way!
‘I don’t know what to say, Mum…Thank you, I suppose. I appreciate the apology.’
‘I’ve never meant to hurt your feelings, Gabrielle.’
‘I know, Mum.’ She just couldn’t help herself.
‘I just want what’s best for you and sometimes…sometimes you seem so directionless. I didn’t want you to waste your life when you have so much potential.’
Her mother thought she had potential? That was news!
‘I’m a big girl now. I can make my own decisions.’
‘That’s what your brother said. He said I need to realise you’re not like me, that you want different things out of life.’
‘He’s right, Mum. I do.’ Only the thing she wanted most was slipping through her fingers.
‘I might not agree with your choices always, dear, but I’ll try hard to respect them. You’ll just have to tell me to keep my nose out.’
Gaby giggled. ‘Thanks, Mum. I’ll bear that in mind.’
‘Good. Well…just don’t let that David ruin the rest of your life. You should never let a man tell you who to be.’
Or your mother, Gaby added silently. Although those days might be over, with any luck.
‘That nice doctor you were with at the party seemed very keen on you.’
‘I know. I’m just not sure—’
‘Well, don’t hang about, Gabrielle. At your age—’
‘Mum!’
‘Okay. Point taken. Nose out.’
Gaby felt a rush of love for her mother. It had taken guts to make this call. She knew how much Mum hated to be wrong. It was practically a phobia.
‘I love you, Mum.’
Did she detect a slight sniff? ‘I love you too, dear. Now, I’d better go. Your father’s
misplaced his reading glasses and he’ll be hell to live with if he can’t do his crossword.’
Luke sat in the dark, straining for the sound of Gaby’s car. Heather was in bed and the house was completely silent. Except he could almost hear the echoes of Gaby’s accusations whispering in the darkened corners.
She was right, of course. He was a caveman.
No good at understanding women. Boring. Too stuffy. Too controlling.
And then he realised it wasn’t Gaby’s shouts he could hear, but Lucy’s. All those things she’d screamed at him in the final weeks of their marriage. He remembered each and every syllable. They’d stung, and he’d had plenty of thinking time in the years that had followed to mull them over.
‘You’re no fun any more, Luke,’ she’d complained. And, if that had been true then, how much more so now? He wasn’t even the same man he’d been back then. He was damaged, and they way he’d been reacting in the last few weeks—and especially tonight—just proved how much.
Gaby didn’t need a man like him. She’d had to deal with enough of that kind of stuff in her first marriage. Listen to him! First marriage? As if there were going to be a second.
Of course, there might be another marriage in Gaby’s future. Just not to him. He’d had the sense he was losing her for weeks now, hadn’t he? Well, things had changed. He’d known from the way she’d looked at him tonight that he’d already lost her. It was just a matter of time before she handed in her notice and disappeared from his life for good.
He would miss her terribly. Not the prim and proper Gaby of recent times with her nail varnish and flat hair, but the warm and giving Gaby who had been happiest walking along the beach her hair in a mess and the most dazzling smile he’d ever seen on her blusher-free cheeks.
Perhaps it was better this way. She wasn’t the woman he’d thought she was. And, if he was right about that, he would mourn the idea of Gaby rather than her living counterpart, who was doing her best to be every bit as shallow as his adoring dead wife.
Gaby dropped her bag and her hand flew to her chest. Her heart was thumping like a drum.
‘Luke! You gave me a fright! What are you doing, sitting here in the dark?’
‘Waiting for you.’
‘Oh.’
She sat down on the edge of one of the armchairs, bottom only just making contact, knees together. She rested her hands on top of her knees and waited. Neither of them thought to switch a light on.
‘I have some news.’
This is it! He’s going to fire me, as both nanny and girlfriend. ‘Okay.’
‘I had a call from the police this afternoon.’ His voice was completely emotionless. ‘They’ve arrested someone for Lucy’s murder.’
Her eyes widened and she gripped her knees hard. For all her verbal freedom earlier on, she couldn’t think of a thing to say. And then the penny dropped.
‘Oh! So this is why you were late and…’
Her eyes were becoming accustomed to the dark and she could see him nodding.
All those things she’d said! She’d behaved atrociously, hadn’t even given him a chance to explain. And all because he had been a little late home. It had seemed so important at the time, but now, in contrast to Luke’s news, it all seemed so petty.
‘I’m sorry.’
‘It wasn’t your fault. Don’t apologise.’
Gaby’s heart squeezed inside her chest. He sounded so distant, horribly calm. This wasn’t Luke! Where was the shouting and simmering? The news of Lucy’s killer must have hit him hard. He must be grieving all over again.
‘How are you feeling?’
He let out a short, barking laugh. ‘I’ll survive.’
Gaby looked at her hands. Even in the dark she couldn’t look him in the eyes. ‘Luke? I’m sorry about what I said too…’
‘You didn’t say anything that wasn’t true.’
She was on her feet instantly. ‘Oh, no! I was angry, but it wasn’t really you I was angry with. Oh, I don’t know how to explain it all…I hardly understand it myself. It’s just it had been a long time coming and I finally snapped.’
Luke was standing too. ‘Like I said, I’ll survive.’
He went to walk past her. She grabbed his arm. ‘Luke? Please!’
He turned to look at her, his face hidden as the light seeping under the lounge door made him a tall, dark silhouette. She suddenly realised she didn’t have anything to say, she just didn’t want them to part like this. It felt as if they were standing on opposite sides of the river with a great torrent rushing between them.
And, as if he understood, Luke leaned forward and pressed the barest of kisses on to her cheek. She shivered. His lips felt unbearably cold.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
ODD, how an apology could sometimes thicken the ice rather than thaw it. But that was what seemed to have happened, Gaby thought, as she drove Heather home from school a few days later.
On the surface, she and Luke were all smiles and politeness, but underneath currents tugged and pulled them in different directions. Their relationship was drowning and there seemed to be nothing she could do to throw it a lifebelt.
They were both trying, to be sure. They said hello in the morning, sat and chatted in front of the TV in the evening, even kissed each other goodnight, but it all felt like an act. They might be trying, but they weren’t succeeding.
Gaby didn’t even feel like straightening her hair or slapping on the make-up any more, but she kept doing it anyway. To stop felt like admitting defeat.
How she longed to shove on her jeans and stuff her hair into a band any old how. But she couldn’t do that, because Luke was watching. Not just the normal kind of watching, where you noticed if someone came in or left the room. Luke was watching her intently. Everything she did, everything she said. As if he were waiting for a sign. And it made her feel boxed in, trapped.
The only thing she could think of was that, when he watched her, he could see the differences between her and Lucy and it was driving a wedge even further between them. She’d stopped trying to live up to Lucy’s memory; she was never going to reach the mark. It was time to stop pretending.
When they got home and Heather had run inside the house, she went to sit on the terrace. The sky was overcast and the wind bit into her face. She hunched up her shoulders and dug her fists into her pockets.
And when she could resist the idea that had been floating round her head no longer, she picked up her mobile phone and dialled the Bright Sparks Agency’s number.
Luke could tell by the footsteps outside his study that it was Gaby. He looked up and waited for her knock.
‘Come in.’
How formal he sounded.
She pushed the door open and he indicated she should sit in the seat in front of his desk. It was almost as if he were at work seeing a patient, so stiff was the atmosphere.
The one thing that gave him a glimmer of hope was Gaby’s clothes. She wore a faded pair of jeans, a long-sleeved top and nothing on her feet. His heart skipped a beat. Had whatever game she’d been playing ended?
‘Luke, we need to talk.’
‘I know.’ He knew he had plenty to say to her. He’d been stupid to keep it all bottled up. He should have learned from his experience with Heather that a little openness and honesty went a long way.
‘I’m leaving.’
He closed his eyes and opened them again slowly. Leaving?
‘When?’
That’s right. Let all the feelings come spilling out, he thought sarcastically.
She looked at the hands in her lap. ‘Friday.’
He stood up. ‘Friday? That’s only three days from now!’
‘I know.’
‘But what about Heather? You can’t leave us in the lurch like this!’
Yes, shouting at her was going to make her stay.
‘I’m not!’ Her eyes clearly showed the pain at his accusation that she would do anything to hurt Heather. ‘I phoned the agency and they’re
sending a replacement on Monday morning. She’s very good, got all the best references.’
‘I don’t flipping want the best references! I want you!’
She looked at him as if they both knew the sell-by date on that phrase was well and truly expired. ‘No, you don’t, Luke. Not really.’
‘Gaby!’ He skirted the desk, came to sit on the edge in front of her and gently covered her hands with his. ‘That’s not true. You know it’s not true.’
She looked him square in the eye. ‘I’m not the woman you want me to be, Luke.’ Her gaze was steady.
My God, she actually believed what she was saying! How had he let things get this bad? It was his own stupid pride that had kept him from saying anything until it was too late.
‘Don’t say that,’ he whispered, feeling a dangerous stinging at the back of his eyes. ‘You are.’
She shook her head. So determined. This wasn’t what he’d expected from her at all. He wasn’t sure whether to be angry at her for giving up on him, or very, very scared that what she was saying was true. He looked deep into her eyes. They were filling up with tears, the sheen bringing out amber flecks he’d never seen before.
‘I’m not.’ A fat tear rolled down her cheek and her voice wavered. ‘I’ve tried to be. I’ve tried really hard…’ Her voice croaked into nothing. She opened her mouth to speak and her bottom lip wobbled so much she had to shut it again.
He pulled her up with one quick tug on her hands and hauled her into his arms. He could feel her shaking against him and he buried his face in her hair. The thought he’d never smell that delicious mixture of fresh air and daisies again was almost too much. It was just as well she couldn’t see the tear that had squeezed itself out the corner of his eye against all his efforts to make it stay put.
‘Stay, Gaby. Please, stay.’ He peppered her hair with tiny kisses and felt, rather than heard, her sob against her chest. While she was incapable of saying the words he dreaded, he took the opportunity to do everything in his power to make her change her mind.
His hands moved up to her jaw line and he tipped her face upwards, kissing first her forehead then her eyelids, tasting the sweet saltiness of her tears. She whimpered and curled her arms around his neck, pulling him closer.