“Why don’t you have a cat? Every good bookstore has a cat. You need a fucking cat.”
“C’mon, man. If you’re not selling coffee, you’re not even trying.”
“Your toilet paper sucks.”
FEBRUARY 10
4:35 PM
Text messages from Jill
I’m a good teacher. Right?
Jasper doesn’t seem to think so.
I know he is, but he’s my boss, too. His opinions matter.
Thanks, honey. Love you.
I’m a good teacher. Right?
FEBRUARY 11
6:17 PM
My teaching beliefs
If you haven’t given your students an authentic reason to learn, don’t even bother teaching the lesson.
The most effective tool for assessing student progress is absolute honesty.
When it comes to discipline, you must only say things that you are willing to do.
The first step to planning every lesson is to determine how it will be fun for students.
Teachers must be reading and writing on a regular basis in order to be effective teachers of reading and writing.
The student’s voice should be heard far more often than the teacher’s voice.
Teachers must think of parents as full and equal partners in the education of the child.
If your students are not laughing at least once every hour in your classroom, you have failed them.
The most important lessons taught by teachers often have little or nothing to do with academics.
The best administrators understand that teachers are more knowledgeable about instruction than they could ever be.
Time is more valuable in the classroom than anywhere else in the world. Waste not a second.
It is almost impossible to set expectations too high for students.
The single greatest assessment of a teacher’s effectiveness is their students’ desire to come to school every day.
FEBRUARY 11
6:35 PM
Truths
I could’ve been a good teacher.
I should’ve been a good teacher.
I thought teaching would be easy, and that’s why I failed.
I could still be a good teacher. Maybe.
Jill is a better teacher than I will ever be.
FEBRUARY 12
9:15 PM
Revised interview procedure (to weed out someone like Kimberly in the future)
1. Interview the last five people who served the candidate in a restaurant. Inquire about how the candidate treated them over the course of the meal.
2. Interview the candidate. Ask the following questions:
Please explain the Bill of Rights to your best ability.
Name as many Supreme Court justices as possible.
Tell me about the last three books you read.
Tell me about one goal or aspiration that you have yet to achieve.
Are you a good person?
Actual interview procedure used to hire Kimberly
When do you want to start?
FEBRUARY 13
4:00 PM
Questions I asked myself today
Could I get a bank loan?
Would Jill need to be involved with the application for a bank loan?
Why am I so excited about the alternative to a bank loan?
FEBRUARY 13
5:05 PM
What the Road Runner cartoons taught me
Explosives are simple to deploy, easy to target, and never result in collateral damage.
Vengeance should always be as violent as possible.
Gravity is a fickle mistress that will momentarily cease to function if the end result is humorous and fucks you over.
Acme is the only company on the planet.
Coyotes can’t be killed. Only flattened and blackened.
Addition to Dan’s Laws of the Universe
Solutions are a hell of a lot easier when you’re the only one in need of saving. Also, explosives help too.
FEBRUARY 13
9:35 PM
ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY “THOMAS COOK VACATIONS” FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS
“They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax.”
“We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish.”
“We booked an excursion to a water park but no one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price.”
“The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room.”
“Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers.”
“It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair.”
“I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends’ three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller.”
“We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning.”
“I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes.”
Actual complaints received THIS WEEK ONLY from dissatisfied customers
“I know it’s what actually happened, but it’s still weird that Anne Frank just stopped writing. Right?”
“I wish I could get God to sign this Bible.”
“The problem with long books is they take longer to read.”
“The Da Vinci Code should be in the T section. All books starting with the word ‘the’ should be in the T section. It only makes sense.”
“You need a cat. Also coffee. Also lower prices.”
FEBRUARY 13
10:55 PM
4 Rules I wish I could impose in the bookstore
Check your cell phone and your shoes at the door.
Purchase three books for every one toy purchased.
You drool on it, you buy it.
“We’ll get that one at the library” will result in immediate tasering and relinquishment of all cash.
FEBRUARY 14
8:03 AM
MY VIEW ON PETER’S FEBRUARY 14 LETTERS
30%
Want to read
30%
Don’t want to read
40%
Wish Jill had kept them a secret all along
ALSO …
100%
Wish they didn’t exist at all
ALSO …
100%
Wish they weren’t Valentine’s Day letters
FEBRUARY 14
6:20 PM
2018 Letter
Shorter than last year’s letter
Addressed to “My love”
Signed “Love always”
“I hope you’ve found love again.”
Story about their first roller-coaster ride together
Fudge ripple ice cream
“Say hello to my brother.”
“Those damn slippers…”
Rein’s Deli
“Has the world gone to hell in a handbasket yet?”
Good news
Jill didn’t cry
Didn’t say, “I’ll love you forever” for the very first time in these letters
No mention of sex or Jill’s body (like in 2014)
Only three years of letters left
Bad news
I acted like a fucking jerk when she asked me if I wanted to read it.
I corrected a dead man by saying it was “hell and a handbasket.”
I was wrong. It’s “hell in a handbasket.”
Jill probably cried later.
Next steps
Never order fudge ripple ice cream again
Avoid Rein’s Deli whenever possible
Avoid roller coasters whenever possible
Eradicate the expression “hell in a handbasket” from my vocabulary for as long as I live
&nb
sp; FEBRUARY 15
3:22 PM
Phone calls
Substitute teachers make $72 per day
A bank loan is out of the question
Cat litter is bad for pregnant women
Enrollment is declining. Class sizes shrinking. No one had unprotected sex during the recession.
FEBRUARY 15
10:55 PM
8 things I don’t miss about teaching
Bullshit circle games by administrators who claim to treat teachers as professionals but then schedule teamwork activities with beach balls and candy
Teachers who spend more time designing bulletin boards than reading good books
Parents who insist that their average or above-average child is gifted
Teachers who believe that titles “Mr.” or “Mrs.” confer some kind of artificial authority
Teachers who speak to students in one voice and adults in another voice
Teachers who dress up for parent–teacher conferences
Administrators who run meetings as if their staff members are students
Listening to people who no longer work with kids tell us how to work with kids
FEBRUARY 15
11:20 PM
Things I said to my students that were true but questionable
“There are no stupid questions. Just stupid people who ask questions.”
“If you put things in your mouth other than food, you will have no friends.”
“I won’t punish you. I’ll just reward everyone around you for not being you.”
“Shame is an effective, long-lasting deterrent, and I will use it.”
“You’re not going to believe this: I put on two pairs of underwear today.”
Truths
I’ve accidentally worn two pairs of underwear on more days than I’ll ever admit.
I thought that accidentally wearing two pairs of underwear was funny, but I might be the only one.
After the third time, I didn’t think it was funny anymore.
FEBRUARY 16
9:36 AM
Deep Economic Thoughts of Dan
Private school is the ideal means of exacerbating the growing economic inequality in America while creating racial segregation and a glass floor for children who already have all of the advantages.
Therapy is a treatment that is both affordable and accessible to white people with health insurance, two-car garages, and time enough to worry about their problems.
Shops that close at 5:00 on a weekday are perfectly designed for intentionally unemployed women.
Serving on charitable boards is not the same as having a job that requires you to work every day in order to eat.
Additions to Dan’s Laws of the Universe
It’s so easy to despise the wealthy (or wealthier) when you are running out of money.
When you can send your kids off to private school and send yourself to therapy twice a week, you should be able to handle a little hatred from those less fortunate.
FEBRUARY 17
5:20 PM
Notes from VFW #2 (VFW Post 7788, Milford)
1. 2 doors—front and back. Unlocked. Maybe a kitchen door?
2. 80+ players
a. All men.
b. Table of serious-looking 40-year-old guys in back corner
c. About one-third are disabled with canes or wheelchairs.
d. So many cigars
3. $75 buy-in—all cash—$6K total pot
4. All cash collected at the door. Lockbox.
5. Highway on-ramp less than a quarter mile away
Thoughts:
I could’ve grabbed that lockbox and run. So damn close to the exit.
Less than half the cash of the South Street VFW, but so much easier. Risk/reward calculations are hard.
Why do these guys play bingo in silence? No one talks to one another.
I still need a bingo stamper.
I miss Bill.
Unsolved problems
Getaway vehicle?
Gun?
Alibi?
Truths
I’m terrified.
I feel so fucking alive.
I haven’t felt in such control of my life in a long, long time.
I’m not sure if I’m brave enough to pull this off.
I’m having so much fun planning this.
A lockbox is a stupid and pointless thing if it can be picked up and carried away.
A “getaway car” is also a “get there” car.
Why is this so fun?
FEBRUARY 18
9:49 AM
Revised List of Fears
Good afraids
Sharks
Botulism (dented cans)
Losing Jill
Losing the store
Losing the house
Prison
Erectile dysfunction
Death
Drunk drivers
Hypodermic needles
Dad walking into bookstore unannounced
Butt crack sweat on my pants
Icicles
Bad afraids
Taking huge risks
Tasting new foods
Asking girls on dates in high school
Driving into New York City
Asteroids (not the video game)
Sinkholes
Asparagus pee
Airplanes
Verbal confrontations
Public speaking
Only times I’m afraid of airplanes
When I’m flying in an airplane
When an airplane is flying over me
Most underestimated danger in the world
A plane falling out of the sky and landing on your head
Worst parts about my airplane fear
It’s the height of narcissism to think that the exceptionally rare plane crash will someday happen to me.
It’s hard to cry on a plane without being noticed.
FEBRUARY 19
9:49 AM
Text messages from Jill
Jasper is a dick.
He’s making my days sad.
I know. But you don’t know what it’s like anymore.
He has favorites, too. Single women. Young.
Pauline. Maybe Amy.
I’m just going to keep my head down and hope he gets fired or promoted soon.
FEBRUARY 19
9:56 AM
Husband problems
I can’t punch Jill’s boss in the face.
I can’t force her boss to treat her better.
I feel like a little boy when I ask if she wants to have sex.
I don’t understand how to handle her pregnant body.
Jasper (Jill’s principal and my former principal)
Liar
Narcissist
Tiny waist
Steely Dan fan
Enormous, fragile ego (worst combination ever)
Three ferrets
Constantly quotes self-help books
Threatened by the success of his teachers
Also has a pregnant wife
Only eats “good barbecue”
Loves to talk about “good barbecue”
Probably thought that professional wrestling was real as a kid
Constant, lewd comments to women, including Jill
Coffee breath
Can’t swim
Plays squash
Needy as fuck
PhD who insists upon being called “Dr.”
Question
I couldn’t fight Jimbo Powers. Why do I think I could fight Jasper Berceuse?
Possible addition to Dan’s Laws of the Universe
No one really changes. Assholes are always assholes. Angels are always angels. You are the person you’ve always been. Some people just learn to hide their ugly parts.
More questions
Is that true? I think it’s true.
If it’s true, what does it say about me?
Do people think ab
out shit like this as much as I do?
Does writing all this stuff down make it more real for me?
More painful?
More in need of answers?
Should I stop these lists for my own sanity?
Could I stop these lists and remain sane?
Why does everyone like Friends so goddamn much?
FEBRUARY 19
10:55 AM
The worst people in the world
Serial killers
North Korean supreme leaders
Drivers who obey the NO TURN ON RED sign when no car is coming for miles
Librarians who think they own the books
Westboro Baptist Church
Ferret owners
Hecklers
Facebook comment-baiters
People who prolong meetings with stupid questions or questions pertaining only to them
Line cutters
People who play Monopoly using bullshit “house rules”
Large, fragile egos
Drivers who purposely take up two parking spaces
People who don’t ever read
Confident idiots
Steely Dan fans
Four stupidest things that principals do
Park in PRINCIPAL’S PARKING spot
Not ending meetings early
Speaking more than listening
Complaining about the amount of time required to handle a problem or crisis
Three investments that school districts should make to improve learning
Hire or train staff who can teach teachers in engaging, informative ways
Tear down every fucking bulletin board and tell teachers to spend their time reading good books and planning lessons that make kids laugh instead
Eliminate all administrative positions between principal and superintendent
Why ferrets are stupid pets
They smell
They poop at least 10 times a day with the consistency of brown toothpaste
Twenty-one Truths About Love Page 8