Twenty-one Truths About Love

Home > Fiction > Twenty-one Truths About Love > Page 9
Twenty-one Truths About Love Page 9

by Matthew Dicks


  They are uncivilized, vicious little fuckers

  They are almost impossible to walk

  You look like a jackass while trying to walk them

  They’re a stupid, disgusting form of a cat, so just get a cat

  They are vehicles for attention-seeking pet owners

  College girls think they’re cute for about six minutes, then you have to spend two months finding someone stupid enough to take them off your hands

  FEBRUARY 20

  7:45 PM

  Things I learned in birthing class

  No Wi-Fi in the birthing center

  Bring food (this could take a while)

  Vaginal birth is horrific

  Stay above the equator at all times

  The birthing center validates parking

  Sex can stimulate labor

  Don’t Google image search anything related to childbirth

  Don’t go to the hospital too early or you will be sent home

  Women who have babies in the back of taxis make this all seem a lot easier

  We have 24 hours after the water breaks to deliver the baby

  A woman’s sense of self-worth seems oddly and inexorably connected to her use of pain medication during the birth of her child

  New Questions

  How can we have sex if there is a sack of water waiting to be broken in the vagina?

  Is an episiotomy what I think it is?

  If an episiotomy is what I think it is, how the hell did it get its name?

  What percentage of fathers hate their children (even a tiny bit) for what they did to their wives’ vaginas while being born?

  Is it a terrible idea to Google “episiotomy”?

  FEBRUARY 21

  6:15 AM

  Ben Franklin’s List of Virtues

  TEMPERANCE. Eat not to dullness; drink not to elevation.

  SILENCE. Speak not but what may benefit others or yourself; avoid trifling conversation.

  ORDER. Let all your things have their places; let each part of your business have its time.

  RESOLUTION. Resolve to perform what you ought; perform without fail what you resolve.

  FRUGALITY. Make no expense but to do good to others or yourself; i.e., waste nothing.

  INDUSTRY. Lose no time; be always employ’d in something useful; cut off all unnecessary actions.

  SINCERITY. Use no hurtful deceit; think innocently and justly, and, if you speak, speak accordingly.

  JUSTICE. Wrong none by doing injuries, or omitting the benefits that are your duty.

  MODERATION. Avoid extremes; forbear resenting injuries so much as you think they deserve.

  CLEANLINESS. Tolerate no uncleanliness in body, cloaths, or habitation.

  TRANQUILLITY. Be not disturbed at trifles, or at accidents common or unavoidable.

  CHASTITY. Rarely use venery but for health or offspring, never to dullness, weakness, or the injury of your own or another’s peace or reputation.

  HUMILITY. Imitate Jesus and Socrates.

  Franklin’s virtues I espouse

  ORDER. Let all your things have their places; let each part of your business have its time.

  Note: Hampers are not a place for clothing.

  CLEANLINESS. Tolerate no uncleanliness in body, cloaths, or habitation.

  Note: Hampers of clean clothing makes my habitation unclean.

  Franklin’s virtues I desperately need

  RESOLUTION. Resolve to perform what you ought; perform without fail what you resolve.

  TEMPERANCE. Eat not to dullness; drink not to elevation.

  Note: In fairness, stress-eating isn’t the same as eating to dullness (whatever the fuck “eating to dullness” means)

  Proof that Franklin had a giant stick up his ass

  He wrote this list at age 20.

  He tried to “live without committing any fault at any time.”

  He focused on one virtue each week and kept notes on his progress.

  Truth (seriously)

  Writing lists is kind of the same as focusing on a virtue a week and keeping notes on progress (in that it might be obsessive and possibly crazy)

  FEBRUARY 22

  12:00 PM

  Advantages of A BIKE!

  Car can stay behind to provide alibi

  Not restricted to streets

  Easy to dump

  Can be purchased cheaply with cash

  Disadvantages

  Not nearly as fast

  I don’t ride very well

  New questions

  Where could I leave my car to establish an alibi?

  Can I ride a bike at night?

  Could I carry the money while riding the bike?

  Is it true that once you know how to ride a bike, you can always ride a bike? Even after 15 years?

  FEBRUARY 23

  4:30 PM

  Letters sent today

  Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation

  440 5th Ave N.

  Seattle, WA 98109

  Warren Buffet

  3555 Farnam St.

  Omaha, NE 68131

  Mark Cuban

  5424 Deloache Ave.

  Dallas, TX 75220

  Jeff Bezos

  Evergreen Point Road

  Medina, WA 98039

  Reasons given for donation

  Teacher and bookshop owner

  Pregnant wife

  Literal drop in the bucket for them

  Enormous self-satisfaction

  Visible beneficiary

  Eternal gratitude

  25% discount for life at A New Chapter (meant for a laugh)

  Important note on language

  “Bookshop” = quaint, privately owned

  “Bookstore” = corporate, soulless

  FEBRUARY 24

  7:05 PM

  Things Jill thinks but doesn’t say

  Why can’t Dan fix the garage door? Or replace a flat tire? Or hang a picture frame?

  He still can’t load a dishwasher correctly. Unbelievable.

  His mother is a pain in the ass.

  I wish my husband had a hobby.

  A hamper makes a perfect bureau.

  Why can’t he just masturbate tonight?

  Peter was better-looking.

  FEBRUARY 25

  4:45 AM

  Places to purchase a bike

  Trek Bicycle

  Craigslist

  Tag sale

  Dick’s Sporting Goods

  Play It Again

  FEBRUARY 27

  4:45 AM

  Favorite sentences

  “But what is happiness? It’s a moment before you need more happiness.”—Don Draper

  “In a world where superheroes, and more importantly super-villains, exist, being a glazier must be a great job.”—Michael Maloney

  “He was the fourth of three children.”—Daniel Mayrock

  “The saddest of all the ribbons is the white ribbon.”

  —Unknown

  “None of us marry perfection; we marry potential.”

  —Elder Robert D. Hales

  FEBRUARY 27

  8:20 AM

  Shopping List

  Always goddamn dog food

  Raspberries

  Toilet paper

  Bingo stamper

  Goldfish

  Diet Coke

  Little Debbie Snack Cakes

  Kettle ball still

  Powerball tickets

  FEBRUARY 27

  8:45 AM

  Why raspberries are a bullshit food

  They last for about 14 minutes before devolving into mush

  Less than two dozen berries in a package

  Only fruit that needs to sit on a diaper

  The silent p makes them impossible to spell

  FEBRUARY 27

  8:55 AM

  Products that I’d better get the brand right when shopping or Jill will kill me

  Toilet paper

  Shampoo

  Bar soap

  L
aundry soap

  Tissues

  Milk

  ** Basically milk plus anything that touches her body

  FEBRUARY 27

  9:23 AM

  Deep thoughts related to food

  There is no way that anyone can taste the difference between 1% and 2% milk.

  Little Debbie Snack Cakes last at least 500 raspberry lifetimes, and that’s a good thing.

  Everyone complains about preservatives and processed food until the apocalypse, and then they’ll all be on their knees thanking the food industry for canned creamed corn and Twizzlers.

  I don’t believe any human being has ever purchased a can of creamed corn.

  If you’re going to more than one grocery store in a week, you have too much time on your hands and have somehow elevated the quality of your heirloom tomatoes over time spent with your family.

  FEBRUARY 27

  1:10 PM

  Three hours with Bill Donovan

  I’m apparently going to be “Danny.” I’m afraid to correct him.

  It oddly doesn’t bother me.

  Same clothes as last time. Exactly same clothing. Tweed pants. Blue button-down. Brown loafers.

  “Bingo is bullshit. A lot of shit is bullshit.”

  Angry, but not nearly as angry as he’s trying to be. Funny. I think he might be funny.

  “I like bingo because it’s mindless. Sometimes you just don’t want to think about the things you’ve done.”

  I think Bill played bingo for the same reason people are still watching Friends.

  Still coughing

  Thinks that people who eat lobster are “fucking morons”

  His father died of cancer. “It started in his gut and ate right through him.”

  “No, she didn’t die of fucking cancer.”

  “Don’t apologize. I’m the asshole. Not you.”

  My father is was the only other person who calls me Danny.

  “The problem with bingo is that the waiting to win is better than winning. I sit here, hoping I win, but it’s the hope I want. Not the money. You know what I mean?”

  Don Draper and Bill have the same definition of happiness.

  “Who chooses whiskey over beer? Guys who drink the hard stuff don’t like themselves. They’re either trying to be something they’re not or running from something they don’t want to be.”

  His wife was murdered in a carjacking gone wrong. Shot three times. Just said it plain as day after getting another beer. Fuck.

  “After Vietnam, I never thought I’d want to die. But I wish I had died first. April could’ve had a life after me. I’m not a second act kind of guy. I’m still stuck in my first act.”

  Bill is exactly my father’s age.

  “When your wife dies, people look at the space where she used to be instead of at you.”

  “Fuck me. Bingo!”

  FEBRUARY 28

  6:30 AM

  Greatest Hits

  Spring 1992: Caught my one and only fly ball in a Little League baseball game

  Summer 1996: Walked the beach with Melissa Zarizny. She definitely liked me. I definitely fucked it up.

  Spring 1997: Track and field district championships: fourth place in the pole vault

  Summer 1997: Lost my virginity to Kami Norris in New Hampshire in the Bat Cave (her closet/bedroom)

  Summer 1997: Completed Dragon’s Lair at the Half Moon Arcade in Weirs Beach, New Hampshire

  July 4, 1998: Beat Jake in arm wrestling at the family picnic at Candlewood Lake

  August 1998: Sex with Jenny on 18th green at Quarry Ridge

  May 1999: Full scholarship to University of Connecticut

  April 2001: Second place, student council presidential election, University of Connecticut

  October 2002: Op-ed in Hartford Courant on the truth about the 98.6 degree “normal” temperature

  June 2006: Hired by West Hartford Public Schools

  September 2006: Made Jill laugh in a faculty meeting

  July 4, 2009: Jill says yes to my proposal

  July 1, 2013: Open the bookstore

  Thoughts on Greatest Hits

  Quite a few of my greatest hits involved women and sports, even though the two things I have never excelled at are women and sports.

  Why didn’t I write another op-ed after “98.6 degrees is fiction, just like carrots are good for the eyes”?

  My mother’s most common question in 2002 was: “When are you going to write another thing for the paper?”

  There’s been nothing close to a greatest hit since I opened the store.

  Listing my greatest hits did not make me feel as good as I had hoped.

  FEBRUARY 28

  8:14 AM

  Addendum to Thoughts on Greatest Hits

  It only took me 14 years to ask myself the same question my mother was asking me in 2002.

  FEBRUARY 28

  8:30 AM

  Addendum to the Addendum on Thoughts on Greatest Hits

  I hate when my mother is right. Even more than a decade later.

  MARCH

  MARCH 1

  4:30 AM

  Finances

  Savings: 2,803

  Income

  What I tell Jill: nothing

  Reality: 930

  Jill: 2,900

  Expenses

  House: 2,206

  Toyota: 276

  Honda: 318

  Car insurance: 175

  Student loans: 395

  Cable and Internet: 215

  Electric: 132

  Oil: 446

  Phones: 180

  Gas: 101

  Crib: 479

  Goddamn armchair apparently required for nursing: 689

  Infant car seats (because we apparently need TWO): 622

  MARCH 1

  5:23 AM

  Changes Since Jill Became Pregnant

  Doesn’t ask about the store’s finances at all

  Clarence not allowed on the bed anymore

  A lot of steamed vegetables at dinner

  Antimicrobial everything

  MARCH 1

  7:15 AM

  Financial Solutions

  REALISTIC

  Bingo

  PIPE DREAMS

  Begging billionaires (letters sent)

  “No Thank-You Note Required” greeting card

  “No Thank-You Note Required” To-Do List

  Design a prototype

  Make a prototype

  Worry about everything else after I have a prototype

  MARCH 1

  8:00 AM

  DAYS WITHOUT

  Chocolate glazed doughnuts

  20 (approximate)

  Gum

  31

  Little Debbie Snack Cakes

  0

  Flossing

  67

  Retail rage

  2

  Regret over quitting my job

  0

  Dad

  5,759

  MARCH 1

  4:30 PM

  3 reasons why I am a terrible man

  I’m jealous of the time Jill spends at Peter’s grave on the anniversary of his death

  I’m annoyed about the money she spends on flowers for his grave

  I secretly wish each year that she’ll forget about today

  MARCH 2

  9:05 AM

  A New Chapter Picks of the Month for March

  Underground Airlines by Ben H. Winters

  The World According to Star Wars by Cass R. Sunstein (Star Wars shit always sells)

  Rules for a Knight by Ethan Fucking Hawke

  Hillbilly Elegy: A Memoir of a Family and Culture in Crisis by J.D. Vance (even though I didn’t finish … He made his point halfway in)

  If This Isn’t Nice, What Is?: Advice for the Young by Kurt Vonnegut

  The Baker’s Daughter by Sarah McCoy

  MARCH 2

  11:00 AM

  People who I hate for being too accomplished

  Ethan Fucking
Hawke

  That actor/comedian from The Office who was also a writer for The Office and that book of short stories and that perfect kid’s picture book with no pictures (I really hate that guy)

  Adele

  Matt Damon

  Anna Kendrick

  People I should hate for being too accomplished but can’t because I love them too much

  Bruce Springsteen

  Carrie Fisher

  Nora Ephron

  MARCH 2

  5:50 PM

  Unexpected things I did today

  Didn’t eat a Little Debbie Snack Cake

  Spoke to Peter while alone in the office

  Cried while speaking to Peter

  Called Jake

  What I said to Peter

  I’m sorry.

  I’m trying my best to take care of Jill.

  Sometimes I wish you were still here to take care of Jill.

  MARCH 2

  5:55 PM

  Things Jake said on the phone call

  “Are you okay?”

  “You never call. That’s why.”

  “Is it Jill?”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “Yes, I’m happy.”

  “Did you really call to ask me this? I’ve got barbecue on the grill.

  “No offense? How can that be no offense?”

  “Here’s the thing: When you’re a kid, you dream about your dream job because you can’t see anything else. But then you find your dream girl, and the job isn’t as important anymore. Not even close. It’s just the thing that lets you get back to your dream girl. Then you have a kid and forget it. You just want to get home to those two people.”

  “I grew up. We all do.”

  “I don’t know if you can do both.”

  “Are you sure you’re okay?”

 

‹ Prev