The Lazy Girl's Guide To Magic : The Complete Series

by Helen Harper

  I shuffled over to the left-hand side. The witches who’d already competed had formed a half circle round us and more were wandering over out of curiosity. As a non-Order witch, I was an object of some fascination.

  ‘The goal is to bring the other person to the ground.’ Anthea bopped around, still brimming with enthusiasm. ‘Only runes are allowed and there’s to be no physical contact.’ Humour flashed across her face and she wagged her index finger at me. ‘And no sudden death spells or serious dismemberment. Whatever you do has to be immediately reversible when the combat ends.’

  Combat? This was all getting a bit too serious. I eyed her then glanced at the audience. Whether I was attacking or defending, I knew deep down I’d have no difficulty in besting her. It wasn’t ego. Anthea put her stock in rote-learned runes that had been taught by the Order for decades; I’d gone guerrilla. She wouldn’t expect anything that I threw at her. But if I let my pride get in the way and showed what I was really capable of, I reckoned some of the other witches would clamour for more action. Not just today, either; it was possible I’d be here at the Order for some time. I dreaded to think what it would be avoiding potential challengers for the next ninety-six days. If I proved to be the weakling they expected, I’d be left in peace. There was really no contest.

  The witch from the first fight stepped forward, tossed his glinting coin and caught it. He addressed me. ‘Heads or tails?’

  I shrugged. ‘Tails.’

  He revealed heads. Even better.

  ‘If you’re still standing after I’ve attacked,’ Anthea said, ‘we swap places. We’re allowed to cast one rune each.’

  I nodded to show I understood and banked down the temptation to check Winter’s glowering face. Don’t worry, I tried to project silently, this won’t take long.

  ‘Ready?’ Anthea called. ‘I’ll go easy on you, I promise.’

  I smiled. She grinned back and started her first rune. Her movements were slow, at least compared to someone like Winter, and I knew before she was halfway through what she was preparing to do. The magic she was using was barely Neophyte level. As her fingers drew upwards in a sweeping motion, it was clear that she was conjuring up a ball to fling at my shins to knock my feet out from under me. To stop it, all I had to do was cast a simple wall. It would take barely a breath. I pasted on a dull expression and waited.

  Anthea’s ball appeared five metres to my side. She had indeed progressed a great deal since we were teenagers; around double the size of a typical bowling ball, it was hurtling towards me with incredible speed. I furrowed my brow and concentrated. I had to get this just right.

  Using jerky movements, I cast my defensive rune. There was a whistling sound as the air drew in around me. I slammed out the heel of my palm at the last second, pushing out a gust of air to knock the ball off course. Given the ball’s velocity, however, the energy I put into it wasn’t nearly enough. I half turned and it crashed into the side of my calf. Even if I’d wanted to stay upright, I doubt I’d have managed it. I just avoided sprawling face first by bracing my palms against the damp grass. There were a few huffs from the crowd; I was certain I caught at least one witch mutter, ‘I told you so.’

  Limping slightly because it bloody hurt, I pulled myself upright and grimaced in Anthea’s direction. She looked appalled. ‘I’m so sorry! Are you alright?’

  ‘Yeah, I’m fine. You’re just the better witch.’

  ‘We can go again. You can cast first.’

  I managed a half smile. ‘No, I think I’ve suffered enough humiliation for one day.’ I shrugged helplessly. ‘There’s not much a layman like me can do against the might of the Order.’ I winced, walked over and shook her hand. ‘Thanks, though. That was … not fun.’

  ‘I’m sorry,’ she said again.

  ‘Don’t apologise. That was the game.’

  Anthea bit her lip. ‘I told Tarquin you were here.’

  ‘I figured.’ I patted her on the shoulder. ‘Don’t worry about it.’ Before I had to listen to any more apologies, I turned away and rejoined an unsmiling Winter. ‘There we go,’ I said with forced cheerfulness. ‘I reckon that was enough delay to stop anyone being suspicious about what we’re up to. If we were rushing around like mad things, someone might suspect something was up. Like, say, one of the Cypher Manuscripts being stolen.’

  He just looked at me. ‘Did you let her win?’

  Something about his tone made me think that regardless of how much he disliked these sorts of magic challenges, he despised the idea of throwing a match even more.

  ‘Alas no,’ I said. ‘Do you think I’d deliberately injure myself?’ I pointed at my throbbing leg. ‘I think I might have fractured something.’

  He frowned and looked down. ‘It’s just bruised.’

  Damn; I’d really have to get him to teach me how to do that some time. ‘I guess I’m just not that great in a fight.’

  Winter’s eyes narrowed suspiciously. ‘Then how did you beat two witches on your own and in a confined space?’

  For a moment, I didn’t have the faintest idea what he was talking about then I remembered Bell End and Alice. The latter was a Second Level witch with a reputation for highly aggressive skills. Oops. ‘They didn’t know I was a witch when they met me. I caught them off guard.’ I pursed my lips. ‘If I had more time to prepare, I might be able to best Anthea. Shall I go back and try again? I don’t want you to be ashamed to be seen with me now that it’s clear I’m not that skilled at magic when I’m under pressure.’ I did my best to look worried.

  This was getting ridiculous; I should just tell him the truth. It was what I’d normally do but, for some reason, I didn’t want Winter to think badly of me for not putting in more effort to win. Better to be considered a magic weakling, I supposed, than just a weakling.

  I wasn’t sure whether he believed me or not; he could be darned difficult to read when he wanted to be. In the end, however, our mission won out. He checked his watch and muttered, ‘Let’s get a move on. We still aren’t any closer to finding Volume 9.’

  I bobbed my head and breathed out. ‘Yep,’ I said. ‘Let’s go.’

  Chapter Nineteen

  It was lucky that Tobias Worth-Jones was as much of a stickler for work as Winter. Even though it was lunchtime, he was at his desk munching on a sandwich while trying to read through some magically enhanced papers. And people wonder why I’m happy not to work at the Order.

  When he caught sight of us, Tobias’s eyes widened and he stood up. He still had a mouthful of bread but that didn’t stop him talking. ‘Adeptus Exemptus Winter! What brings you over this way?’

  With every word, I was sprayed haphazardly with particles of food mixed with saliva. I didn’t try and save his dignity by pretending it didn’t happen; instead I made a show of wiping my face and looking disgusted. Unfortunately the effort was lost on Worth-Jones; as per usual, it was Winter who got the message.

  He got straight to the point. ‘Your signature is on a personnel file that has been removed from HR,’ he barked. ‘We need it. And we need to know why you took it in the first place.’

  Tobias appeared unconcerned. ‘I have no idea what you’re talking about.’

  ‘Oscar Marsh,’ I interjected helpfully. ‘You logged out Oscar Marsh’s file.’

  ‘No, I didn’t.’

  ‘It’s definitely your writing, Tobias,’ Winter said. ‘I’d recognise that scrawl anywhere.’

  ‘When was this?’

  ‘March tenth.’

  Worth-Jones rubbed his chin thoughtfully. ‘I did go to HR then,’ he said slowly, ‘and I did check out a file but it wasn’t Oscar Marsh. It was for one of my own witches.’ He pulled a face. ‘A disciplinary matter, alas. Although I can see why there would be a mix-up, given it’s Marsh’s file that you’re here about.’

  Winter stilled. ‘Why? What do you know about Oscar Marsh?’

  Tobias blinked. ‘Oh, Diall complained about him vociferously.’

  I tried to think wh
en I’d ever used the word ‘vociferously’. Nope. Couldn’t do it.

  ‘What exactly did Adeptus Diall say?’ Winter demanded.

  ‘Oh, that Marsh was frequently late and had turned up drunk on one or two occasions.’ He chuckled. ‘Although who amongst us hasn’t done that?’

  I put up my hand. ‘Me,’ I said. ‘I’ve never done that.’

  Worth-Jones still didn’t look at me. I brought my hand down and examined it. No, I wasn’t invisible.

  He continued. ‘I think the biggest issue is that Marsh is incredibly weak at magic. He shouldn’t even have been admitted to the Order in first place. Plenty of people with smatterings of magic manage without actually becoming witches.’ He shrugged. ‘Marsh is still Adeptus Minor though. How he managed to gain that position, I’ll never know.’

  Diall’s grubby fingers were over everything. Winter didn’t say anything like that to Tobias, however. He remained strictly on point. ‘Do you know anyone who knew Marsh personally? We need to find his address.’

  ‘Trumpton Avenue.’ Tobias thought for a second. ‘Number twenty-two, I believe.’

  Winter stared. ‘How on earth do you know that?’

  ‘Because Diall had to go there on more than one occasion to pick up Marsh. He made a little ditty about it. Now how did it go?’ He scratched his head. ‘Ah, yes. “Twenty-two Trumpton Avenue houses the witch who hasn’t a clue. Vodka, rum, Bacardi and…” No, wait. “Rum, vodka, gin…”.’ He frowned. ‘No. Hang on. I’ll have it in a minute.’

  ‘I think we’ll manage without it,’ Winter said drily. ‘Thanks for your time.’

  Tobias was still mumbling and humming to himself as we walked away.

  ‘He’s the culprit,’ I said as soon as we were at the end of the corridor. ‘Tobias Worth-Jones is the guilty one for sure.’

  Winter sighed. ‘Why?’

  ‘First of all,’ I said, ticking off my fingers, ‘he’s eating lunch at his desk. He doesn’t have enough time to take a break because he’s spending all his free time reading Volume 9. Secondly, he knew Diall well enough to get all the gossip about him, so he definitely knew him well enough to be invited into his home where he murdered him. Thirdly, his tie has yellow stripes. Never trust someone wearing yellow.’

  ‘What’s wrong with yellow? It’s the colour of sunshine.’

  ‘It makes me look sallow and washed-out.’ Winter took a deep breath and I grinned. ‘Are you counting to ten?’

  ‘Your theories are quite extraordinary, Ivy. Besides, I thought you were convinced that Price did it.’

  ‘I changed my mind. It’s a lady’s prerogative.’

  Winter halted abruptly. Slowly, he turned towards me. ‘You … you’re a lady?’

  Ha. Ha. Ha.

  Trumpton Avenue sounded considerably more upmarket than it actually was. Instead of a leafy road with pretty Victorian houses, which is what I’d imagined, Winter and I found ourselves in Oxford’s version of hell. Although I’m sure that the council serves this area in the same way as the rest of the city, the road was strewn with rubbish ranging from old beer cans to cigarette ends.

  On one side of the street, a shabby man mumbled to himself as he shuffled along. When he saw us he yelled a warning about two-headed sheep then shook himself and continued on his way. A scrawny cat, thankfully ginger rather than black, crossed our path and gave a defiant hiss in Winter’s direction. The houses were small, often with boarded-up windows. They were also covered in a layer of grime which archaeologists would probably find fascinating.

  ‘I bet they don’t put this place in the tourist brochures,’ I said.

  Winter didn’t answer though he appeared horrified. It didn’t help when we discovered that number two wasn’t before house numbers four and six, as you might expect. No, that would have been too easy. Instead, it was wedged in a terrace further down, as if the town planner had been having some fun and decided to rewrite the laws of basic arithmetic.

  Winter gently nudged me out of the way so that he was the only person on the doorstep when he rang the bell. I picked some dirt out of my fingernails. If he was so keen to do all the work, let him get on with it. My mouth was parched and my sock was still wet. At this rate, I wouldn’t have to feign illness; I’d end up in hospital with pneumonia. Or some kind of terrible bacterial infection.

  Winter wasn’t in the mood for waiting. When no one answered the doorbell, he knocked loudly. When that didn’t work, he shouted, ‘Oscar Marsh! This is Arcane Branch! Open up!’ He knocked some more, the force of his fist making the flimsy door rattle and shake in its frame.

  ‘You could try turning the doorknob,’ I suggested. ‘It would take a lot less effort.’

  Winter wasn’t ready to take the easy route. He knocked some more, with increased vigour. Without a warrant, he probably couldn’t enter a property unless he had the owner’s permission. I could fix that. I didn’t want to stand here all day.

  Taking a step backwards, I focused on the rusty doorknob. Like the rest of the house, and indeed this street, it had seen better days. It didn’t matter what it looked like; the rune I’d developed was to avoid having to root around in the bottom of my bag for my keys. That might not sound like a particularly arduous task but, given the amount of crap I carry around with me, it could take some time to find what I needed. With this little magic rune, I didn’t have to worry about losing my house keys – and Winter and I wouldn’t have to stand out here until his knuckles were bloody.

  With his back towards me, it was easy for me to sketch out the rune without him noticing. I added a little pinkie flick at the end as a flourish, which had precisely the desired effect. The doorknob turned and the door creaked open. Not by much but enough to reveal the dank and musty corridor beyond.

  ‘Hey,’ I said cheerfully. ‘He must have heard you. Let’s go.’ Before Winter could argue, I nipped past him and went in, although the reek inside almost made me wish I hadn’t.

  Irritated, Winter stepped over the threshold and joined me. He looked at me suspiciously, as if he were sure that I’d had something to do with the door’s miraculous opening. The whiff that reached his nose and made it wrinkle gave me the chance to forestall any pointed questions. ‘Smelly, huh?’ I said.

  Winter shook his head. ‘I’ve never smelt anything like it before.’

  I stared at him; he had to be kidding. ‘Chips and curry sauce,’ I said. I lifted my nose and sniffed. ‘And, if I’m not mistaken, just the faintest tinge of three-day-old doner kebab.’

  Now it was Winter’s turn to look astonished. ‘People actually eat doner kebabs?’

  ‘What else would they do with them? You can’t beat a good kebab.’ I smacked my lips. ‘Especially with slatherings of chilli sauce.’ I grinned. ‘Let me guess: you’re a vegetarian?’

  ‘No, I’m not. But I don’t eat garbage like that.’

  I hadn’t seen him eat anything yet; so far, he’d seemed to exist on air and a furrowed brow. My stomach gurgled to remind me that it was some time since I’d eaten anything substantial myself.

  ‘I made dinner last night,’ Winter said. ‘I even went shopping. You’d have noticed if you hadn’t crammed a chocolate bar into your mouth then fallen fast asleep.’

  He’d cooked? Before I could ask what he’d made, there was a loud groan from a room nearby. Winter stiffened and shot me a warning glance as if I needed telling to keep quiet. I tutted softly.

  We edged further in. Someone was definitely in the house; there was the sound of soft snoring. It was a wonder that they’d not woken up when Winter bellowed at the entrance. I nodded in satisfaction; that sort of dedication to sleep always impresses me.

  Treading lightly, Winter walked in front of me and paused at the end of the gloomy corridor. He knocked on the door. The snoring continued. Nudging the door with his foot, he pushed it open. Inside there was a dimly lit room with large sash windows, draped with heavy velvet curtains. They would have looked rather grand but they were hanging off the rail in sev
eral places and looked as if they’d been flung up rather than carefully dressed. There was a flickering television screen in one corner and my gaze took in an extraordinary pornographic video involving several naked people and orifices I had no desire to think about. Winter hastily grabbed the remote control from the floor and switched it off.

  The only other thing in the room, apart from empty bottles and squashed cans, was a sofa with a large lump on it. When the lump let out another snore, I decided that this had to be Oscar Marsh. For all that Adeptus Diall had seemed to be an unpleasant fellow prior to his untimely death, he appeared to have hit the nail on the head as far as Marsh was concerned. I doubted this was an Order witch of whom the Ipsissimus was particularly proud.

  I wondered if it troubled Winter that he spent his time around less than noble witches when the Order did so much good for the world. I suppose it was the nature of his job – of our job.

  Winter cleared his throat. If he thought that was going to wake Sleeping Beauty, he was deluded. Marsh was face down with his arse sticking up in the air and one arm dangling over the sofa’s edge. Considering what Winter had done to force me out of bed, I was surprised that he was being so delicate. ‘Throw a bucket of water over him,’ I said sourly. ‘It worked with me.’

  Winter grimaced. ‘That was because I knew you weren’t likely to spring up and start attacking me. This guy is another matter.’

  I frowned. ‘First of all, this guy is virtually comatose. Even when he wakes up, he’s hardly going to be in a position to attack. Alcohol is seeping out of his pores, Winter. He’s more likely to throw up and clutch his head than throw something at your head. And how did you know I wouldn’t attack you? I might have.’

  ‘You’re not the type,’ Winter dismissed, without explaining properly. ‘If this Marsh killed Adeptus Diall, not to mention stole the Cypher Manuscript, then he’s far more dangerous than he looks.’

  I cast a doubtful look at the slumbering witch. There was no chance this was our man. Winter seemed to read my thoughts. ‘Appearances can be deceptive, Ivy. Perhaps he’s sleeping off a hangover because his guilt turned him to drink.’