The Lazy Girl's Guide To Magic : The Complete Series

by Helen Harper

  A softer smile curved round Ivy’s mouth but before she could say anything Iqbal reappeared with another tray of shots. He placed it on the table. ‘I got a selection!’ he yelled over the music. ‘I wasn’t sure what you’d all like.’

  Ivy beamed her approval and chose a glass at random. Winter watched as she took a delicate sniff then shrugged. ‘Bottoms up.’

  Winter picked up one of the little glasses without looking at it. He kept his eyes on Ivy, clinking his glass against hers before he drank.

  Iqbal cleared his throat. ‘So, Adeptus,’ he said. ‘What’s going on back at the Order now that the truth has been revealed?’

  ‘I just asked that!’ Ivy said. ‘Tell us!’

  Winter shrugged. The news would be in the morning papers so there wasn’t any point in staying quiet. ‘The Ipsissimus is putting in an immediate review of all promotional procedures. Everyone who’s achieved a position beyond First Level is going to be scrutinised. It’ll take months but it’ll be worth it.’

  ‘What about Bell End and Alice?’ Ivy asked. A curl had fallen across her forehead and Winter itched to brush it away. He put his hands under the table instead.

  ‘Who?’

  ‘Uh, Bellham. Matthew Bellham and Alice Fairclough. What’s happened to them?’

  ‘They’ve been released but they’re on probation.’ Ivy scowled. ‘They were acting under orders.’

  She snorted indelicately. ‘That’s no defence.’ Privately, Winter agreed.

  Ivy got clumsily up to her feet. Winter automatically stood too but she merely gave him a confused look. ‘I’m off to the ladies’ room,’ she declared. ‘I need a pee. Are you coming too?’

  ‘I was being a gentleman,’ he muttered. She didn’t hear him – she was already bustling through the crowd.

  Winter sat down and picked up another glass without thinking. Iqbal smiled. ‘To the Order!’

  ‘To the Order.’ Winter gulped it down. He glanced behind him; there was no longer any sign of Ivy.

  Iqbal leant across the table. ‘What are your intentions?’

  Winter blinked back at him. ‘Excuse me?’

  ‘With Ivy,’ Iqbal said, a sudden sharp focus in his dark eyes. ‘She likes you a lot, you know, but she’s more vulnerable than she lets on.’

  Winter’s skin was beginning to itch. ‘I like her too. She’s an extraordinarily talented witch. It’s a real shame she’s not in the Order.’

  Iqbal watched him. ‘That wasn’t what I meant.’

  Winter looked at him. Ivy hadn’t answered his question properly before. ‘Are you and her…’ he began.

  ‘No. But she’s a good friend.’ Iqbal turned as someone shouted his name from the other side of the room. ‘I should go. It was nice to meet you again, Adeptus Exemptus Winter. Be nice to Ivy.’ He walked off, just as the woman in question returned. Winter saw him lean his head down towards her ear and murmur something. Ivy’s cheeks turned an adorable shade of pink and Winter frowned.

  She pushed her way back through the crowd to the table. ‘I’ve done my duty and sung my songs,’ she said. ‘And now I want to go home and sleep for three days.’ Her eyes twinkled. ‘I think I deserve it.’

  ‘I think you do,’ he returned. ‘I’ll walk you out.’

  It seemed far colder outside than it was when he’d arrived. The cool air hit him almost immediately and he realised that drinking on an empty stomach had affected him considerably. He wasn’t the only one: Ivy swayed alarmingly and banged into him. He just managed to shoot out his arms and hold her upright. ‘Be careful,’ he said gruffly. ‘You’re drunk.’

  Ivy gave a peal of laughter. ‘So are you!’ She tugged at the spot on her arm where the binding had been placed. ‘We made a good team, you know. I’m almost sorry it’s all over.’

  He folded his arms. ‘Almost?’

  She didn’t hear him. ‘You’re a good guy, Adeptus Exemptus Raphael Winter.’ She peered at him. ‘And you really do have the most amazing blue eyes. They’re the colour of the Mediterranean on a sunny day.’ She leant in closer. ‘Or lapis lazuli.’ She pushed herself up on her tiptoes to get an even closer look. ‘You know, in Italy and Spain Prince Charming is known as the Blue Prince.’

  He gazed down at her, a strange knot in his chest. ‘You’re too wonderfully stubborn to be Cinderella,’ he told her. ‘You’re far more kick-ass than she is. No wicked stepmother would ever make you act like a servant.’ He paused, aware that he was starting to babble. ‘And you don’t need a magical ballgown to be beautiful.’

  Ivy smiled. ‘I’d rather be Sleeping Beauty. I think she’s more up my street.’

  Winter laughed.

  She arched an eyebrow at him. ‘Not because she spends so long in bed but because of how she’s rescued.’ Slightly flummoxed, Winter stared at her. Ivy tutted. ‘Maybe you’re the one who needs rescuing.’

  Then she kissed him.

  ‘Winter!’ The voice penetrated the folds of his sleep. ‘Winter!’

  ‘Mmm.’ He opened his eyes blearily. For a brief moment, he felt utterly content. Ivy was staring down at him, her hair mussed up and her lips faintly bruised. He didn’t think he’d ever seen anything more beautiful. That was when he realised her expression was one of horrified alarm.

  He shot bolt upright. Ivy clutched the duvet. ‘Hi,’ she said. She looked more awkward than he’d ever seen her – and that included in the gym on that first morning.

  He frowned as a thought occurred to him. Didn’t she remember last night? They’d both been tipsy. He stilled. Had he taken advantage of her? Ice ran through his veins.

  Ivy peeked underneath the duvet at herself, then she peeked underneath the duvet at him. She tried to smile but it was obvious how shocked she was to find them both without a stitch of clothing.

  ‘Hey,’ he said. He cleared his throat. Damn it. ‘Um.’ This was not going well. ‘So.’

  Her tongue darted out to wet her lips. ‘So.’ She didn’t look upset so much as incredibly uncomfortable. Winter realised with a sinking feeling that she was embarrassed.

  Willing to do just about anything to make her feel better, he shifted slightly. ‘We should probably never speak of this again.’

  Ivy nodded vigorously. ‘Absolutely!’ she said, jumping on his words with an alacrity that dismayed him. ‘It never happened.’ She scooted to the edge of the bed. Winter dropped his gaze. He was a prize idiot.

  Without warning, Ivy yanked hard on the duvet and wrapped it around herself then raced for the bathroom – to get away from him, he thought. She slammed the door shut behind her. Winter sighed and turned away. He should get his clothes and get out of here. Ivy was obviously filled with regret. He couldn’t look at her face when he felt so very differently.

  He reached down to grab his trousers. Brutus sauntered over and head butted his legs before sitting down and looking up at him with slitted eyes. ‘The trouble,’ the cat said, ‘with consorting with partners of oppositional temperaments, is that next morning one can never be sure whether they are too giddy with delight to express their thoughts or too horrified.’

  Then he winked.

  Star Witch

  Book Two

  Chapter One

  Sofa time!

  I pressed down on the accelerator to speed past the group of women with designer-label shopping bags, whose arms were elegantly raised in the air in an attempt to flag me down, and ignored the repeated pings on my phone that were supposed to alert me to would-be customers. I’d made enough today to pay my bills so I was on my way home to put my feet up. The joys of being self-employed. I can clock off when I want and, darn it, that’s exactly what I was going to do.

  I turned up the music and grinned happily to myself. If I took the right roads I could be home in fifteen minutes. Then I slammed on the brakes, almost giving myself whiplash in the process.

  A red-robed witch was standing at the corner up ahead. Hello… I pulled up alongside her and rolled down the window. ‘Where to?’
<
br />   ‘I thought you weren’t going to stop,’ she said with surprise. ‘I’m heading to the Order headquarters.’ She looked at me nervously as if she were expecting me to decline politely. She obviously didn’t recognise me, but I wasn’t anti-witch. Far from it: I used to avoid the Order like the plague but things are different these days.

  ‘Excellent!’ I beamed. ‘Hop in.’

  She clambered awkwardly into the back, the flaps of her robe almost getting caught in the door. She tugged at them, finally managed to pull them inside with her and we took off.

  ‘It’s a bit late, isn’t it?’ I enquired.

  She gazed at me blankly in the rear-view window. ‘Huh?’

  ‘For work,’ I said helpfully. ‘It’s a bit late for work.’

  She scratched at her arm. ‘I’m on call.’ There was a pause. ‘It’s a confidential matter.’

  I almost snorted. I didn’t give two hoots why she was on her way to work at this hour. Nonsensically, the Order still keeps its machinations to itself as much as it possibly can; if they want to hide away from the real world, that’s up to them. I was just trying to make conversation. Frankly, I prefer the more taciturn customer. Sometimes, making the effort to discuss the weather or politics or whatever is just a pain in the arse.

  I took the back roads, avoiding the rush-hour traffic, and dropped her off right in front of Runic Magic. Another witch was waiting outside and ambled over to get in my taxi. I pretended not to see him and took off down the campus road before he could open the door, keeping my eyes peeled as I went.

  I knew I was being silly; perhaps I was even verging towards the obsessive. I wasn’t stalking Winter though, I reasoned. I just happened to have had a customer who wanted to go this way. It was just coincidence.

  Perhaps if I told myself that often enough it would become true.

  I stopped again, this time outside the squat grey building of Arcane Branch. Due to the late hour, there weren’t many lights on inside and I wasn’t going to wait for long. But if Adeptus Exemptus Raphael Winter, with his lapis-lazuli eyes which could stop a herd of stampeding women in their tracks, happened to be finishing work around this hour…

  I drummed my fingers on the steering wheel. He had his own car. He didn’t need a taxi. But if he came out, it would be impolite not to say hello to him. After all, we had worked together very closely last month. Very closely.

  Now that the binding that magically tied us together had been removed, I was no longer required to stay near him. I no longer had to work with him. But the man had an irritating way of sneaking unbidden into my thoughts, which had nothing to do with magic and everything to do with the hot, zippy kick of sheer lust. And maybe something more, which I was trying not to think about too much.

  I’d not seen or heard from Winter since he’d abandoned my bed at great speed after our rather inebriated visit to the karaoke bar. I shouldn’t have cared about that. But I did.

  Another light flicked off inside the building and I held my breath. A minute or two later, an older witch with a heavy gait shuffled out of the main doors, followed by three younger ones. All of them looked tired. The Hallowed Order of Magical Enlightenment certainly demands its pound of flesh.

  I couldn’t help wondering what they were working on. It wasn’t really my business, not any longer. I didn’t want to end my working days feeling like those witches obviously did. I just wasn’t that kind of person. All the same, there was no denying my flicker of curiosity.

  Five minutes went by. Then ten. I sighed. This was ridiculous; either Winter was inside and still working – and would be for some time yet – or he had already left. Waiting out here was pointless. In any case, if he didn’t want to see me then I could hardly force the matter.

  I shook my head at my own idiocy just as another witch emerged from the building. This one I recognised. I jumped out of the car and waved. ‘Eve!’

  My long-limbed neighbour blinked in surprise but she smiled and wandered over. ‘Good to see you, Ivy. What brings you to this part of town?’

  I twiddled with a loose blonde curl. ‘Oh,’ I said in an overly casual tone, ‘I had a customer headed this way. I thought I’d come by in case you were around and needed a lift home.’

  Eve’s smooth brow furrowed. ‘I have a car. I thought you knew that.’

  I did. Of course I did. ‘Er…’

  ‘But if you’re looking for some company, I can come with you.’ She peered at me anxiously, as if worried. ‘It’ll save on petrol and then I can take the bus in tomorrow morning.’

  I winced internally. Eve was such a nice person that she’d actually do that but it was hardly fair. Waving my hand dismissively, I smiled. ‘Oh no, there’s no need for that. It’s only because I’m in the area that I dropped by.’

  Given how little I’d seen of her lately, I reckoned she was keeping very long hours. I didn’t think that the buses were even running when she left for work these days and I certainly wasn’t filled with urgent desire to get up at that time to drive her back here. I couldn’t understand how anyone who wasn’t short of a million brain cells would want to get up so early. Each to their own, though.

  For her part, Eve seemed relieved. ‘I have to make a quick house call on my way home anyway,’ she confided. ‘It’s for this new assignment I’m on.’

  I pasted on a disinterested look. ‘Oh yes?’

  ‘There’s a group of non-Order witches who’ve been causing a few waves. My mentor wants me to have a chat to one of them and try to get them to cool things.’

  Eve’s mentor was originally supposed to be Winter but instead she’d been assigned to someone else. I nibbled on my bottom lip. ‘How are things going with your mentor?’

  ‘She’s great.’ Eve smiled. ‘I’m learning so much, Ivy, and it’s so much fun.’

  Fun? We clearly had different definitions for that word. Vegging out on the sofa is fun; fourteen-hour days with a bunch of Order geeks are not. ‘And are there other new witches with you?’ I asked. ‘New to Arcane Branch?’

  Eve pressed her lips together as if to avoid giggling. Darn it. She knew exactly why I was here. ‘Adeptus Exemptus Winter still hasn’t taken on a new partner.’

  ‘I wasn’t … I mean, I didn’t…’ Arse. I sighed and yielded to the truth. ‘How’s he doing?’

  ‘I could give you his phone number and you could ask him yourself,’ she suggested with the serene maturity of someone who didn’t have an almost soul-destroying crush to deal with. ‘Or I could tell him you were here and…’

  ‘No!’ The last thing I wanted was for Winter to think I’d been hanging around in the vain hope of seeing him – whether it was true or not. And if I called him and he didn’t want to speak to me I’d feel even worse. He had told me we should forget our night together had ever happened. Anyway, we didn’t have anything in common. I had to stop mooning after him and get on with my life. I wasn’t a lovesick teenager, even if I felt that way.

  ‘I better get going,’ I said hastily. ‘Brutus will be wondering where I am.’

  Eve grinned. ‘Sure, Ivy. If you change your mind, let me know.’

  I nodded distractedly. ‘I’ll see you around.’

  I waited as Eve headed off towards the car park then turned back to my taxi. I was going home to order a curry, crack open a bottle of wine and not think about Raphael Winter. Not once.

  I turned on the engine, forgetting that my For Hire light was still on. Before I’d even put the taxi into gear, someone had opened the door and got into the back. ‘I’m off the clock,’ I grunted.

  ‘It’s good to see you too, Ivy,’ Tarquin’s smooth voice murmured.

  I gritted my teeth. This was why I should have stuck to my instincts and stayed as far away from the Order as possible. If I’d had anything to do with it, my floppy-haired foe would have been hung, drawn and quartered for his machinations to get rid of Eve. She’d let his meddling pass, however, believing he deserved a second chance.

  ‘Get out, Tarqu
in.’

  ‘Your light is on.’

  I switched it off. ‘No, it’s not.’ I turned my head and gave him a hard look. Unlike the other witches I’d seen tonight, he appeared as rested and unruffled as it was possible to be. ‘Piss off.’

  In response, Tarquin clicked his seatbelt into place. I rolled my eyes. Why me? I flicked my fingers into a simple rune and the seatbelt immediately undid itself.

  Tarquin tutted. ‘Now, now. The law is very clear, Ivy. I’m a paying customer and you have to take me to where I want to go. Otherwise,’ he shook his head in dismay, ‘I’ll be forced to make a formal complaint against you.’

  Seriously? ‘Tarquin, don’t be a complete plonker. Just get out of my taxi.’

  He folded his arms. ‘No.’ He met my eyes. ‘I’m not lying, Ivy. Either you take me to where I want to go or I will complain.’ He smirked. ‘In writing.’

  I wondered whether he really thought that was supposed to scare me. ‘I think I’ll cope,’ I said drily. ‘I’m going home.’

  ‘Perfect.’ His smile grew, revealing whiter-than-white teeth that must have cost a pretty penny. ‘So am I.’ He leaned forward. ‘And now we live in the same building so you have no reason not to drive me there.’

  I stared at him. ‘Pardon?’

  ‘I’ve moved.’

  ‘To my building?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘You’re lying.’

  He gestured towards me with open palms. ‘Why would I do that? I’m on the fourth floor. Flat C.’

  The family who’d been living there had indeed moved out last month. I gazed at him with narrowed eyes. Tarquin never did anything without a reason – and that reason always served his own interests. The building where Eve and I live is lovely, but old-money people like Tarquin don’t live there. It is neither pretentious, nor stupidly expensive nor up-and-coming. ‘Have you fallen on hard times?’ I could only hope.

  He laughed. ‘Don’t be ridiculous. Father just thought it was time that I stopped relying on the family. I’m striking out on my own.’