The Lazy Girl's Guide To Magic : The Complete Series

by Helen Harper

  The Ipsissimus appeared in the doorway with an odd expression on his face. ‘When my wife was alive, I took more holidays and I believe I was a better leader for it.’ He smiled sadly. ‘Maybe that was her influence rather than the time away from this place. But in any case, the boy understands that you cannot work all the time, no matter how much you might love it. It’s simply not healthy.’ He held my gaze. ‘Thank you for that, Ivy. I think he could only learn it from you.’

  I actually blushed. ‘Well, working somewhere like the Order has its benefits too. For all that I moan about it, it does a lot of good. It’s a vital organisation.’

  A faint smile crossed the Ipsissimus’s face. ‘I’m glad you think so. It’s important that you do.’

  Winter coughed slightly. ‘Ivy, would it bother you if I came back?’ he asked. ‘If I took the Ipsissimus up on his offer? Just say the word if it would and I won’t mention it ever again. There are plenty of other places I can work. There’s still plenty of good we can do together with the Hallowed Order of Magical Enlightenment.’

  I turned and beamed at him. ‘I’ve not been paying lip-service to this place, Rafe. I’ll be really happy if you decide to return because I know how much you love working here. But it’s not down to me. This is your decision.’ I paused. ‘I’ll expect you to have days off that we can spend together,’ I added with a wag of my index finger. ‘But I do understand that you want to be here and that it’s as much a part of your life as I am.’

  His expression softened. ‘I can’t persuade you to join me?’

  I opened my mouth to answer when there was a sudden loud thump from the end of the corridor. All three of us turned towards the noise.

  ‘Stay here,’ Winter said grimly. ‘I’ll check it out.’ He marched past me, passing through the body of Ipsissimus and out the other side before disappearing from sight.

  My legs suddenly felt like jelly and I felt my knees give way. I collapsed onto the floor. ‘No,’ I whispered.

  Ipsissimus Collings glided over to me and reached down with an outstretched hand. ‘You knew it the moment I appeared, Ivy,’ he said. ‘You just didn’t want to believe it.’ He glanced at his hand ruefully and withdrew it. ‘It’s a very strange sensation,’ he said, ‘no longer being corporeal.’

  ‘I … you…’ I squeezed my eyes shut. This couldn’t be happening. ‘We need you.’

  ‘Tough.’

  I still couldn’t look at him. ‘How did this happen?’

  ‘Blackbeard is not in Uffington.’

  Oh God. Even though I’d already known that, my stomach still dropped. ‘He … he … killed you?’

  ‘Yes. Don’t worry, it was quick.’ Somehow I knew he was lying when he said that. His voice changed. ‘Now open your eyes and listen to me. I don’t have long. It’s already taking everything I have to remain on this plane but this is important.’

  I swallowed hard and did as he asked before struggling to my feet. He was the one who was dead, after all; his problems were far greater than mine. ‘Go on,’ I said with a catch in my voice.

  ‘The paperwork for Raphael to rejoin the Order is in the top drawer of my desk. I signed it weeks ago. It’s all ready to go. He just needs to sign it. It is imperative he does this before my body is discovered. Blackbeard has clearly abandoned his plan to cremate his victims. He has hidden my body but it won’t stay that way for long. This time he wants everyone to know what he’s done. Beyond that, I cannot speak for his motives or his reasoning. You will need to ascertain those for yourselves and find him before he can do even more damage. The Order is everything, Ivy. It must survive.’

  My mouth was parched dry. ‘It will. Of course it will.’

  ‘You remember the conversation we had in Scotland about what would happen if I were to die? About the chaos that would ensue?’

  Shit. It was the reason why I’d confronted Alistair the teenage necromancer instead of the Ipsissimus doing it. There were too many Order witches with too much ambition and too many hidden agendas for peace to ensue. ‘Yes.’

  ‘The events in Scotland prompted me to take action to ensure that will not happen. It was something I should have done long ago and which I have long regretted I did not plan for. I have named my successor and he will do the Order proud. He will not let it falter and he will be a unifying force. He will be accepted as the new Ipsissimus,’ he paused, ‘but only if he is already back as an Order witch. The contract I’ve prepared promotes him to Third Level. He hasn’t passed the examinations but, in his case, they are a mere formality.’ His voice grew stern. ‘However, if his return is not acknowledged before my death is discovered, the dissenters will find reason to keep him out and the in-fighting will start. It will continue for years, maybe even decades.’

  ‘Rafe,’ I whispered. ‘You’ve named Rafe.’ So the Ipsissimus had always expected Winter to return to the fold. Truthfully, so had I.

  ‘Yes. He was not ready before but he is ready now. He will need you by his side to guide and support him. Your role will perhaps be even more important than his in the months to come.’

  I hoped he was just saying that because he thought I needed my ego massaged. I was more than happy to be the nonentity in the background. Yes, please, sign me up for sofa duty. I was not the Caesar’s wife type especially when, deep down, I knew that Winter was the perfect person for the role of Ipsissimus. He made mistakes but he’d learnt to acknowledge them; he didn’t cut corners. He had the dedication and the integrity; he’d be brilliant. My expression twisted.

  ‘What’s the problem?’ the Ipsissimus asked.

  ‘Nothing.’ I couldn’t tell him that it had just occurred to me that my boyfriend would be the geekiest of all the Order geeks. ‘It’s all fine. Apart from the part where you’re dead, of course.’

  A spasm lurched through the Ipsissimus’s body. ‘I can’t deny the lure of the other side for much longer. Make sure Raphael signs those papers. Make sure others see them before I am found.’

  His shape was beginning to falter and become transparent, and there was a bright glow surrounding him that was difficult to look at.

  ‘Wait!’ This couldn’t be it. He couldn’t leave already. ‘Where are you? Where’s your body?’

  ‘In a shed towards the back of the Herblore Department. He dragged me there.’ A beatific smile crossed his face and his gaze rested on a spot seemingly far away. ‘Goodbye, Ivy.’

  ‘But what about…?’ The light brightened and I was forced to shield my eyes. I yelled, ‘Wait! Don’t go!’ Even as I said the words, I knew they were pointless.

  When I could finally see again, he’d gone. Winter was back in the room, rushing to my side. ‘What’s wrong? What’s happened? Ivy!’

  I stared at him dully. ‘The Ipsissimus,’ I said. ‘The Ipsissimus is dead.’

  The colour drained from Winter’s face. Behind him, I spotted Philip Maidmont, his hand covering his mouth in horror.

  ‘It was Blackbeard,’ I said. ‘Somehow Blackbeard found him and killed him.’ My voice was quiet but surprisingly steady. I drew in a ragged breath. ‘The Ipsissimus has gone and his spirit has already passed over. As for Blackbeard, I don’t know where he is.’ But I did know that nothing would ever be the same again.

  Chapter Twenty One

  What I wanted to do was to throw myself into Winter’s arms, burrow into his chest and cry. What I did was shake myself and head directly for the Ipsissimus’s desk.

  Maidmont and Winter stared at me dumbly. I yanked open the top drawer and found the scrolled contract lying on the top of the papers inside. I picked it up between my finger and thumb, afraid that I might damage it, then held it out to Winter.

  He looked at me as if I were holding a poisonous snake. ‘What is that?’

  ‘Your contract,’ I said simply. ‘You have to sign it. We have to take it to HR right now and get you reinstated.’

  ‘The Ipsissimus has just died, Ivy. Blackbeard is still on the loose. I hardly think my employment status i
s a high priority.’

  ‘Right now,’ I said fiercely, ‘it’s the highest possible priority.’

  It was Maidmont who understood first. Dawning comprehension lit his face and he began to nod vigorously. Maybe Ipsissimus Collings had already given the quiet librarian some indication of what he’d been planning. ‘Yes,’ he breathed. ‘Yes. You have to sign it now. I’ll witness it.’ He reached into the pocket of his robes and drew out a fountain pen. ‘This is my lucky pen. Use this one.’

  Only a librarian would have a lucky pen. I smiled sadly at him. ‘Thank you.’

  Winter still didn’t get it. ‘We have to find the Ipsissimus. His body, at least. We have to find Blackbeard.’

  I grimaced. ‘The fact that I could talk to the Ipsissimus means that Blackbeard probably isn’t anywhere near here. Not now. Maybe killing the Ipsissimus was his grand plan all along and now he’s achieved it, he’ll go to ground.’ That was about as likely as me taking learning to play the harp. There was no way Blackbeard was done yet but I needed Winter to focus on the scroll. I pressed it into his hands. ‘Listen to me,’ I said softly. ‘This is what the Ipsissimus wanted. He hung on especially for this when the other side was already dragging him away. He’s signed your contract. He’s promoted you to Third Level. And, Rafe,’ I licked my lips, ‘he’s named you as his successor.’

  For a long moment Winter didn’t react. It was only because of the faint narrowing of his eyes that I knew he’d even heard me. ‘No,’ he said eventually.

  ‘This is it, Raphael Winter,’ I said sternly. ‘This is where you make your mark. You step up and take the responsibility that is being handed to you. You’re the best person for the job. You’re the only person for the job. You have to do this.’

  ‘No.’ He met my eyes. ‘If this were you, you’d run away screaming.’

  ‘But it’s not me. We’re different people.’

  From the doorway there was a tiny miaow then Brutus sauntered in. He slunk round Winter’s legs before plonking himself directly in front of him. I frowned. How on earth had he managed to pass through the wards on his own?

  ‘It is only natural,’ Brutus said, while my heart skipped several beats and my jaw dropped, ‘to feel intimidated by complex situations where the course of one’s life is about to be decided. I had to undergo similar soul-searching when I met Ivy for the first time. I possessed deep-seated doubts. She has questionable hygiene. Her hair makes her look as if she’s a close relation to Albert Einstein but without any of the brain cells to match. She likes to pretend that her work ethic is weak and her morals are non-existent. The truth is, of course, that the Ivy she presents to the world is very different to the real Ivy. Only very special beings recognise her for who she is inside. I am one of those beings. You are another. You see the truth of her. And you see the truth of the Order.’

  In the background, Philip Maidmont started to raise a hand as if to indicate that he too believed I wasn’t a complete waste of space. Brutus narrowed his eyes at him and he changed his mind abruptly and brought his hand down again.

  I couldn’t move. Or speak. What exactly was going on with my damned cat? Had he been possessed by one of those blasted ghosts?

  Brutus wasn’t finished. ‘You, Raphael Winter, have the ability to be Ipsissimus. You can be the leader these witches deserve. Under your guidance, they will enjoy heady heights. Magic will never be the same again and the whole country will benefit from what you can provide. I shall be by your side, offering the support you require to be successful. Ivy will also be there. I imagine that fluffy floof you call a familiar will want to stick around as well.’ He sniffed. ‘But I wouldn’t listen to her too often. She enjoys that tuna-flavoured gloop out of the blue packets. No cat in their right mind enjoys that filth.’

  Brutus licked his paw and began to wash his face before pausing to speak once again. ‘Of course, if you’d rather abandon the Hallowed Order of Magical Enlightenment to chaotic bureaucracy, and you would enjoy seeing them descend into obscurity for the rest of eternity, by all means don’t become Ipsissimus. I am sure you can develop a nice new career of your own by creating new grout cleaners.’

  Nobody moved. Then, very slowly, Winter unfurled the scroll. He held out his palm towards Maidmont who dropped his lucky pen into it. Winter walked over to the Ipsissimus’s desk and sat down, poised to sign.

  ‘I can’t do this without you.’ His voice was so quiet that I had to strain to hear him. Both Maidmont and Brutus studiously looked away.

  I met his eyes. ‘I’m not going anywhere,’ I told him. ‘I’ll be that dead weight holding you down. The ball and chain tied to your ankle. The bad smell that follows you everywhere you go.’

  Winter suddenly flashed me a smile. It was so fleeting I almost missed it. ‘Thank goodness.’

  ‘But don’t expect me to make you packed lunches or fold your socks just because you’ll be a magical bigwig and I’ll be a lowly taxi driver,’ I grumbled.

  ‘The,’ Winter said. ‘I’ll be the magical bigwig.’ He paused. ‘Do you even know how to fold socks?’

  Ha bloody ha. I gave him my very best glare and turned to Brutus. ‘You shit,’ I said.

  ‘Food.’

  ‘Have you been hiding that vocabulary all this time?’

  Brutus blinked. ‘Food.’

  ‘You know I could give you up and find myself another familiar if I wanted to?’

  ‘Food.’

  I sighed; I was clearly never going to win this conversation. ‘Stay here,’ I said eventually. ‘I’ll bring you food later. Keep an eye out in case Blackbeard shows up and come and tell me if he does. Do not do anything stupid like approach him.’

  Winter nodded in agreement. ‘The Ipsissimus wasn’t the only powerful witch with a room up here. It’s possible that others might be targeted.’

  ‘I’m sure Blackbeard is lying low,’ I said. ‘But I’ll talk to Grenville and see what he’s noticed. You need to go and sort out your paperwork. Ipsissimus Collings might be discovered at any moment.’

  ‘Brutus is not the only one who shouldn’t do anything stupid like approach Blackbeard.’

  ‘Please,’ I scoffed. ‘I’ve already had one stint as a martyr. I have no desire for another.’ Then, before Winter could say anything else, I continued. ‘Let’s get a move on while we still can.’

  On our way back down the stairs, Grenville’s face poked out of his portrait. He looked slightly nervous.

  ‘You should have told me,’ I said, gesturing to Winter and Maidmont to go on ahead. ‘It would have been nice to have some warning about what had happened.’

  ‘I will not apologise for that,’ Grenville said stiffly. ‘It was not my place to inform you. Besides, old Collings is a lucky man. He was able to pass to the next plane. There are not many people who have enjoyed his position who have also escaped eternal curses.’ It was impossible to miss the envy in his voice.

  ‘I will help you,’ I said. ‘I promise I will. I’ll do everything I said I would. But I have to deal with the living right now.’

  I watched as Maidmont and Winter crossed the lobby, heading for HR. The pair of them would ensure that Winter’s return was notarised and time-stamped. In a couple of hours, assuming the Ipsissimus’s death remained concealed, Maidmont would walk into the small shed where the great man had breathed his last and ‘discover’ his body. That’s when all hell would break loose. At least with Winter formally named as successor, the hell would be containable.

  Grenville cleared his throat, ensuring my attention returned to him and him alone. ‘You need something from me.’

  I smiled humourlessly. Grenville had been Ipsissimus for a reason. He might be as irritable as he was irritating but he certainly wasn’t stupid. ‘The man who killed Ipsissimus Collings…’ I bunched up my fists. I’d managed to keep my emotions under wraps until now but it was becoming impossible and I could hear my own voice shaking with rage. ‘The bastard who did this … he’s a null. If you go near him, you’l
l vanish. You won’t exist here and you won’t exist on another plane. You’ll just be … nothing. It’s not long term. As soon as he’s moved away, you’ll return.’

  Grenville frowned. ‘That’s a shame. I quite like the idea of not existing. Existence can get remarkably tiresome, you know.’ He sighed. ‘But yes, I have heard of nulls before. I understand the concept.’

  Good. ‘Get in touch with as many spirits as you can. Send them out across the campus. Blackbeard is here somewhere. I have no idea what kind of range his null nature provides but when ghosts start disappearing, you know you’re getting close. Find out which area he is in and tell me. He’s killed the Ipsissimus but I don’t believe for a second that he’s finished. While Winter is ensuring the safety of the Hallowed Order of Magical Enlightenment, I’m going to be ensuring Winter’s safety.’

  ‘How exactly?’

  ‘By sending that bastard to the fires of hell,’ I said. I didn’t know how yet but I would do all that I could to achieve it.

  ‘Good plan,’ Grenville said.

  Yep. Planning to that kind of depth and detail had always been my forte.

  As I walked through the Order, I kept catching snippets of conversation. They all followed the same pattern.

  ‘You’ll never guess what?’

  ‘Tell me!’

  ‘Adeptus Exemptus Winter has returned. He’s back for good!’

  ‘Thank goodness. We were lost without him.’ I’m paraphrasing slightly but that was definitely the gist. I kept my head down as I walked. I was either going to be blamed for his departure or congratulated for his return – I didn’t really care which. What I did care about was not being interrupted. Whatever Blackbeard was planning, it was bound to be bloody. It was imperative I found him and stopped him before anyone else got hurt.

  ‘Ivy!’

  Arse. I turned and spotted Eve jogging towards me. She caught up and gave me a quick hug. ‘Is it true? Is Winter really back? It’s all over campus. Tell me it’s not just a rumour. Tell me he’s not just here for a visit.’