As Tears Go By

by Lydia Michaels

  “You awake?”

  She turned and found Braydon watching her. “I couldn’t sleep.”

  His hand traced over her belly and found her breast. She was still adjusting to being touched in such a way, but she liked it. She liked it very, very much.

  “Tell me about your family,” she said, wanting to redirect her thoughts from worrying subjects.

  He drew in a breath and kissed her shoulder. “What do you want to know?”

  “You said you have, like, ten brothers and sisters, right?”

  He laughed. “No. There are nine of us. I have six siblings. I make seven. My parents make nine total.”

  “That’s a lot. Are you the oldest?”

  “No. I’m one of the younger ones. Sheilagh’s the baby. She’s in her late twenties now. Then comes my brother Kelly. Then me. After me are my brothers, Luke and Finn. They’re twins. Colin’s the oldest brother and then there’s my sister Kate.”

  Recalling what he’d told her about his nephew with the hearing aid, she surmised, “Twins must run in your family.”

  “Finn’s a twin and has twins, but that’s it. I have eleven nieces and nephews and may be getting another one real soon.”

  “Wow. Do they all live close?”

  “They all live on the same property.”

  She frowned imagining some sort of compound. “What?”

  “My family owns a lot of acreage. It’s a mountain—literally. Luke’s place is right behind my parents’, but the rest of them are pretty spread out. We all own a part of the mountain.”

  This made her smile. It sounded like something from a sweet sitcom. “McCullough Mountain.”

  “Yeah,” he agreed softly, his hand still massaging her breast, the sensations both comforting and arousing. No one ever touched her with such a sense of possession. She loved it.

  “What about your family?”

  She sighed. “My mom passed away when Hunter was eight months old. She never realized he was different. Sometimes I wished she did and sometimes I’m glad she saw him just as a grandmother should see their first grandbaby. Perfect. I never knew my father. He died in a mining accident two weeks before I was born. I was premature and my mother believed his death pushed her into early labor.”

  “You don’t have any siblings?”

  “No. The closest I have to sisters are Nikki and Carla.”

  “Carla?”

  “Nikki’s sister.”

  His brow arched. “She’s a little scary, that one.”

  She laughed. “Yeah, she can be intimidating, but she’s one of the biggest hearted people I know. So long as you don’t get on her bad side. And if you think she’s crazy, you should meet Carla.”

  He grinned. “Tell me something that makes you happy.”

  She thought for a minute. “I love Christmas. I love carols and seeing the stores decorated. We don’t do a lot for Christmas anymore. I miss it.”

  “How come?”

  “It’s time consuming. I put up a little tree every year and usually do holiday crafts with Hunter, but it’s nothing like I used to do.”

  “Then that’s not really a happy thing.”

  “It’s a happy memory.”

  “Give me another one. What’s your happiest memory?”

  “Boy, I don’t know. What’s yours?”

  He thought for a moment. “Last year my brother Luke was in a coma. Seeing him wake up was pretty incredible. I don’t think anything ever made me as happy as seeing his eyes finally open.”

  Her heart dropped into her toes. It would be horrifying to see someone she loved in such an unpredictable state. “What happened to him?”

  He shook his head. “Another time. I don’t like talking about it. I only think about the recovery and the moment we knew he was coming back to us. Tell me one of your happiest memories.”

  It took longer than it probably should’ve to come up with something. When a memory occurred to her she smiled, knowing it was definitely one of the greatest days of her life. “I got one. I’ll never forget the first time Hunter called me Mom. He was six. I was sitting on the floor, doing a puzzle with him and he smacked my hand and said, ‘Go, Mom.’ I started to cry. I waited so long to hear him talk. I never thought words like that would ever come. I’ll never forget that day.”

  “That’s a beautiful story.”

  “There are lots of them. The first time he sat through a meal instead of running around the table, the day we finally gave up diapers. I guess every parent goes through milestones like this, but when you’re unsure if you’ll ever reach them, crossing the finish seems a bit more meaningful.”

  “Tell me a happy moment from before you were married.”

  “That’s a little harder.”

  “Why?”

  “I forget who I was. The way I used to think, it’s a foreign concept to me now. I was an ordinary kid, I guess. I got excited over ordinary things. But now, the things that excite me most are the little things, because, in a quiet sort of way, my life’s pretty extraordinary.”

  “Will you ever have more kids?”

  Her mind shut down. Too many memories of fights and ragged tears.

  “Sorry. Too personal?”

  Lowering her gaze she shook her head. “I don’t know the answer. Hunter’s incredible, even if he challenges me. I’d do it all over again, because he’s my son and I can’t live without him. But I don’t know if I have the strength for another child. Even a neurotypical child needs a ton of attention. I’m lucky if I have time to brush my hair on an average day. It isn’t fair to take on more than I can handle. Not to me, not to Hunter, and not to any child.”

  He kissed her nose, but made no comment. She was too afraid to ask if he wanted children. The idea that they might want different things in the long run was very unwelcome and she shouldn’t be thinking in terms of longevity with Braydon.

  “Tell me what you fear?”

  Simple questions sometimes carried the hardest answers. “Death,” she whispered. “I have to live forever. Who will take care of him when I’m gone? Even his father can’t do what I do. Dying, and leaving my son alone in a world that isn’t ready for him is the greatest fear I’ve ever known.”

  He nudged her chin, tipping her face back in his direction. Those deep blue eyes studied her. “Can I meet him?”

  Breath stilled in her lungs. “Do you want to?”

  “I’d love too.”

  Her heart swelled, but she still harbored reservations. “Maybe someday soon.” It was too great of a promise to make a definite commitment, but part of her really wanted him to meet her son, to see how incredible he was.

  They lazed in bed until late afternoon. Braydon was a big fan of napping and that suited her just fine. They ordered takeout and when Braydon returned with the food he also picked up a box of fudge for her. She was coming to realize that Braydon enjoyed doting on women. Such behavior couldn’t be specific to her. It had to be a part of his nature.

  After dinner they made love on the floor of the dining room. It had started out as innocent fudge eating, but things quickly turned dirty. The next thing she knew, Braydon was on top of her, feeding her chocolate, and her breasts were smeared with sugary kisses.

  Afterward they shared a shower, which was another escapade in the sex department that was new to her. She couldn’t recall ever laughing so much. Braydon made her happy and, in a way, that worried her.

  While he said all the right words, it was easy to pretend compassion and acceptance. Living up to such claims would be more challenging, especially when those virtues would be an ongoing requirement. Fear that he wouldn’t be able to manage her reality had her shying away from the idea of submerging him in her everyday world. If Braydon couldn’t tolerate the actuality of her day-to-day life, she’d have to let him go. She was her son’s future and they were a package deal.

  As she gathered the last of her things, Braydon waited by the door with her coat. “I don’t want you to go,” he said, helpi
ng her on with her jacket and pulling her hair from the collar. His lips pressed a kiss to her neck, sending chills skating over her skin.

  “I don’t want to go either, but I need to get ready for work and I still need to grab a few things from the store for the week.”

  “Can we do lunch tomorrow?”

  Were they moving too fast? “Let me see how my morning goes. Email me and I’ll let you know.”

  He kissed her goodbye and walked her to a cab. “I could drive you home.”

  She wished he’d mentioned that earlier, but now the idea of going through another goodbye was too painful. He’d given her the perfect weekend. It was sad to see it end, but she’d cherish the memory of it always.

  “That’s okay. This is easier.”

  He pressed his lips to hers and he whispered, “I’ll miss you.”

  Her heart fluttered unbelievably fast. They were crossing into dangerous territory. She pulled away, afraid she might blurt something completely emotional and inappropriate. “I’ll talk to you soon.”

  Nodding, he took a step back and she slid inside the taxi. Turning back to him, she called, “Braydon?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Thank you. You gave me another happy memory to hold on to.”

  He smiled. “There’ll be more. I’m not done with you yet, angel.”

  Yet. Her smile trembled. “Bye.”

  Chapter Seven

  It was utterly ridiculous how much Braydon looked forward to seeing Becca the following day. When noon approached and she still hadn’t emailed, he began to worry. At twelve-fifteen he sent her a brief “Everything okay?” email.

  By one he’d ventured out to find his own lunch, debating popping in on her with something chocolaty, but refraining. What if she had a change of heart?

  When he returned to his office the stirrings of a headache started. Frustrated at his empty inbox, he checked his phone. It buzzed the second he fished it out of his pocket, but his relief was short-lived. The screen read Devil.

  “What’s up, Shei-Devil?”

  His little sister chuckled. “That’s Shei-Devereux to all of you, now. What’s happening in The Burgh?”

  Bray sat back in his chair and sighed. “Nothing much. I was just waiting for a call and thought you were it. What’s new with you?”

  “I’m painting and I got bored.”

  “Painting what?”

  “Our living room. Alec has some obsession with a funeral home’s color palette and I can’t take it anymore.”

  “Oh, boy. What color are you painting that poor man’s house?”

  “Our house. And it’s chartreuse.”

  Braydon laughed quietly. Chartreuse was a trendy green with some of his clients. It sometimes worked well with dark, cherry finishes, but it would definitely be an adjustment for Alec. “Does he know that’s the color you picked?”

  She scoffed. “He doesn’t care as long as I’m happy. Besides, it’s keeping me out of his hair. He’s been so damn busy now that he’s head of the philosophy department.”

  “Shouldn’t you be busy with your own classes?”

  “You’d think, but I finished my syllabuses last week. I’m going out of my freaking mind.”

  “They really should give you more classes.”

  “I know.” She sighed. “I’ll be graduating in less than a year and going for my Masters. Let’s hope that’s a bit more time consuming.”

  “What if you’re pregnant by then?” She got quiet. “Sheilagh?”

  “Yeah?”

  Worry tightened his brow. “You okay?”

  There was a slight sniffle she covered with a cough. “It didn’t take.”

  Shit. Alec was older than his sister and he’d already had a vasectomy when they’d met. The reversal, from what he understood, was no easy procedure, but Alec wanted to give her babies. “I thought the odds were something like ninety percent.”

  “That’s if it’s reversed within the first few years. Once ten years pass, it drops to thirty percent. Alec had his boys tied off almost twenty years ago.”

  “I’m sorry, Sheilagh. Are you sure it’s totally out of the question?”

  She made a noncommittal sound. “I’m not God, but I need to accept that it probably isn’t happening if it hasn’t happened by now, or else I’ll drive myself crazy and drive my husband away.”

  “That’s not true. Alec adores all of your personalities. But seriously, are you okay?” She’d been through a lot of ups and downs with clinical depression. It wasn’t always easy to tell what his sister had going on in that big brain of hers.

  “I’m gonna have to be. I mean, I’m happy. I don’t need a baby. Lord knows what kind of mother I’d be with this gene pool.”

  “You’d be a great mother, Shei.”

  She was quiet for a moment. “Thanks, Bray. That means a lot.” She sighed then groaned. “Maybe I’ll be weird cat lady, married to the professor, anti-social by choice, and profoundly intelligent in a mysterious way.”

  “So you’re buying a cat? You have all that other junk going for you already.”

  “Shut up.” She grumbled and it sounded like she was plopping into a chair. “I want to go home, but I’m afraid all the babies will make me nuts. Did you hear Luke and Tristan are trying to adopt?”

  “Yeah. That’s an option for you guys too.”

  “No.”

  “Why no?”

  “I don’t know how to explain it. I’m a McCullough woman. I’m made to breed. I’m okay with not having a child if it wasn’t meant to be—sort of—but what kills me is that I’ll never know what it feels like to create life. Do you have any idea how cool it would be to have the ability to grow a human and I can’t because…” She growled. “Never mind. I sound like an asshole.”

  “No, you don’t. You sound like a woman who’s being denied something God gave you and you’re upset. It’s understandable, Shei.”

  “Blah. I’m done whining. What’s going on with you?”

  He grinned. “I met someone.”

  “Yeah? Who? When? Give me all the dirty details.”

  “Well, we met about a month ago, but it took me a while to pin her down. I think I finally got through to her though.”

  “What’s her name?”

  “Becca.”

  “Becca. Becca McCullough. That has a nice ring to it.”

  “Whoa…slow down. No one’s getting married.”

  She snorted. “Who are you kidding? You’ve been looking for the perfect bride since you hit puberty.”

  “It’s complicated.”

  “Why?”

  “She just got divorced.”

  “Ahhhh. Any kids? Ooh! When do we get to meet her? You should bring her home and Alec and I can come that same weekend.”

  “Sheilagh, calm yourself. You’re making me dizzy. We’re just starting out. Besides, it isn’t that easy for her to get away. She has a son.”

  “Aww, we’d both have stepsons!”

  “Jesus! Will you chill? No one’s getting married! And it isn’t like Wes really counts as your step-child.”

  “Does too. I remind him every day to call me Mom.”

  He chuckled. Wes was only a year younger than Sheilagh. “He must love that.”

  “The question is, do you love her?”

  “I—” The intercom buzzed. “Hold on, Shei.” He clicked the phone on his desk. “Yes, Natalie?”

  “Mr. McCullough, there’s a package here for you. It was messaged over from the firm handling the Apricot account.”

  He grinned. “Who’s the sender?”

  “A Ms. Becca Stevens.”

  “I’ll be right out. Shei, I gotta run.”

  “She sent you a package? Dirty. I wonder what it is?”

  He rolled his eyes. It was probably the finalized contracts. “Goodbye, Devil.”

  “It’s Devereux!”

  “Love you.” He ended the call. Taking a deep breath, he disguised his grin and entered the reception area.
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  All the secretaries were chattering and quieted the moment he appeared. He cleared his throat and Natalie handed him a small box wrapped with a pale blue bow. His cheeks flushed as he took it. “Is there anything else?”

  His secretary smirked as though trying not to laugh. “No, sir.”

  Returning to his office, he shut the door and heard the group of receptionists burst into a fit of giggles. Nothing like being discreet. Ripping open the package he unwrapped the tissue and stilled. It was one of those PECS things Becca had all over her house. On it was a smiling face with one word written underneath.

  Happy.

  His heart sped up as he tried to grasp what she was telling him. She was happy. That gave him a sense of accomplishment he couldn’t fathom. Unearthing the tissue, he checked for anything else in the box. On the bottom was a note.

  Sorry I couldn’t do lunch. Swamped. I had a lovely weekend and wanted to say thank you again. Xo Becca

  He hadn’t realized how much he’d doubted himself until her package came, delivering sweet relief and confidence. He picked up his phone and buzzed Natalie.

  “Yes, Mr. McCullough?”

  “Natalie, call down to Fritz’s and order a fresh tray of double fudge brownies. Have them sent to Ms. Stevens’s office with a note that reads…” What could he say? “Ditto.”

  “Yes, Mr. McCullough.”

  Five seconds after hanging up he heard the receptionists let out a communal “Aww.”

  He picked the phone back up and buzzed his secretary again. “Yes, Mr. McCullough?”

  “And get back to work.”

  The following hour passed with the distracting images of Becca moaning over fresh brownies. He’d barely accomplished anything productive aside from fantasizing.

  Around closing, Miranda strolled into his office and quietly shut the door. “Want to have dinner tonight?”

  As he met her gaze he recognized the suggestive set to her eyes and realized she was offering more than a meal. “No thanks. I have some stuff I need to get done.”

  She sauntered to one of the chairs across from his desk and sat down, crossing one long leg delicately over the other. “I’d like to see you. What night do you have free?”