As Tears Go By

by Lydia Michaels

  “How dare he question my judgment? The only reason he has any involvement in Hunter’s life is because the courts insisted, and he doesn’t want to pay the difference in child support. Half the time he picks him up late and drops him off early so he can play the bachelor, which he’s been playing for most of his married life!”

  Without giving him a chance to speak, she went on. “He never took an interest in this family or my needs. It was always him and his needs before ours. I would have given him everything if just once he applied himself to being the father Hunter deserves!”

  Braydon rubbed his hands over her shoulders, not used to seeing her so distraught. “Well, he’s gone now. Don’t let him upset you. Look, Hunter’s home.”

  Her rage gradually faded. Glancing at her son, she beamed and sighed. Braydon held back as she slowly walked to the piano. Becca got as close as she could without disturbing him. She kissed the tips of her fingers and gently placed them on Hunter’s right shoulder. “Welcome home, bud. Did you have a nice Thanksgiving?”

  Hunter’s fingers played rapidly over the keys, but his head turned and bobbled for a split second. Then he tapped his chin to the top of his mother’s fingers. It was the slightest acknowledgement, but it was still a response and contact, something Braydon never saw him do before.

  It struck him that Becca also found the gesture unexpected as her shoulders lifted and she drew in a shaky breath. Her lashes flickered and her mouth tightened as her lips trembled. The impact of such a minor yet grand acknowledgement definitely hit her. Bray felt it too.

  Stepping close to her, he slid his hand around hers and clasped her fingers tightly. Her grip was fierce, expressing how monumental what just happened was. “Did you see that?” she whispered, her eyes shimmering under a sheen of unshed tears.

  He nodded slowly, his chest tightening with vicarious pleasure for the gift she was just given. “I saw.”

  He was prepared to leave so they could have time together, when Becca surprised him by asking, “Would you like to stay for dinner?”

  It was as though a door to a secret passage had opened. The plans for the house could wait. He grinned. Yes, she was definitely his woman. “I’d love to.”

  Her face softened as she smiled at him, a heavy weight forming in his gut. She’d explained to him that these mild gestures, so often taken for granted, held a monumental impact. But to witness it, to actually feel the impact, was something entirely different. The significance of Hunter’s gesture radiated in the air, as though the energy of the universe had shifted. So small, the mere touch of a chin to his mother’s fingers, yet so meaningful, and for the first time, he truly understood what she meant by small victories.

  Chapter Twelve

  Miranda approached the tall bistro table and shut Braydon’s laptop. “You seem busy.”

  He sighed. She was lucky his program saved automatically. “I was.”

  “Can I get you a drink?”

  Tipping his chin toward his whiskey sour, he said, “No thanks. Already have one.”

  The pub was located on the same block as their office, so it wasn’t out of the ordinary to run into other coworkers after five. “How about some dinner? My treat.”

  “Miranda, we’ve been through this.”

  She rolled her deep chocolate eyes. “Still? Come on, Braydon. If she was so incredible you’d be with her instead of sitting here at six o’clock on a Friday night.”

  “I had work to finish.”

  “What work? We have no new projects and the Apricot specs were sent out last Monday.”

  That was true, but he’d been engrossed in laying out the plans for the house, and it was risky doing that in front of Becca. Although Hunter was with Kevin this afternoon, she didn’t sound into company at the moment. Braydon suspected she had her period, but didn’t want to talk about it. It hurt, that she wouldn’t communicate such things with him when there was a possibility she could be carrying his baby—a prospect that frightened her. It was a touchy subject so he figured he’d let it go.

  “I’m working on something else.”

  Miranda’s dark brow arched as she slid into the seat across from him. “Are you cheating on me, Braydon?”

  He chuckled. “No, I’m only working for you. This is a family project.”

  Her hands folded on the sleek surface of the table, her fingers slowly fidgeting in a way that didn’t fit her typical confident behavior. Although their intimate relationship had run its course, she was still someone he looked to as a friend of sorts. “Miranda, are you okay?”

  Her eyes lowered as she forced her palms flat, ceasing all nervous gestures, but he sensed something was still off. “Is it because I’m too hard, Bray?”

  He frowned. “What?”

  “I’m the CEO and I’m a woman. Sometimes it’s tough to draw the line after hours. I don’t know if I have any softness left. And if I do, I’m afraid if I let it show I’ll lose my edge and all those men salivating over my office would bully me out.”

  His posture softened as understanding dawned. “Miranda, don’t discredit your strong attitude and don’t change for other people. There’s someone out there who will love you just the way you are.”

  “But not you.”

  He sighed. No, he didn’t love Miranda, but he’d enjoyed their time together for what it was. “Miranda,” he said slowly. “We knew what we had. It wasn’t what either of us wanted long-term. You’d never give up the pace of the city for the life I’m after and we’d only be wasting each other’s time pretending we suited for more than a few fun nights.”

  “I could change.”

  “No, you couldn’t. You could pretend—for a while—but eventually you’d resent the life you were living, and me, because it isn’t in your nature to be someone else.” He watched her for a long moment. “Why are you suddenly doubting yourself?”

  She sighed. “It’s lonely out there, Bray. I miss your company.”

  But not him. “Anyone can give you company, Miranda. I need to be more than company to a woman.”

  Her vulnerable posture shifted, the impenetrable façade she usually displayed falling into place as her attention was drawn over his shoulder. He turned and found Nikki there, grinning. However, her smile didn’t reach her eyes, which seemed to be zeroing in on Miranda.

  “Miranda, right?” She held out her hand.

  “Hello, Nicolette. It’s nice to see you again.”

  Nikki turned to Braydon. “Mr. McCullough.” Glancing back at his boss, she asked, “Am I interrupting?”

  Shooting Miranda an apologetic glance, but knowing she wouldn’t want any witnesses to her confessed vulnerability, he slid his laptop into the case and withdrew a twenty. “Actually, I was just leaving.”

  “I thought you’d be at Becca’s.” Nikki gave Miranda a pointed look.

  Braydon stood and grabbed his jacket, not missing Miranda’s slight wince as Nikki’s comment hit its target. Miranda was his ex, but certainly not his enemy. “I’m heading there now, actually.”

  “Good. Tell her I said hi. It was nice seeing you again, Miranda.”

  “Likewise,” his boss said with artificial professionalism.

  “Goodnight, Miranda. Nikki.” He turned and left the bar, irritated with Nikki’s display. When he reached the sidewalk Nikki was right behind him.

  “Yo! Braydon.”

  He pivoted, but she didn’t give him a chance to respond.

  “I know about you and your boss.”

  “It isn’t a secret, Nikki.”

  “Some might advise discretion if that’s the case, but I’m not some. If you still have feelings for her—”

  “Stop right there, Nikki. Miranda and I are a thing of the past.”

  “Didn’t look like it from where I was sitting.”

  “I wasn’t concerned with the audience. Go ask her if you don’t believe me. I have nothing to hide.”

  Her gaze narrowed. “As much of an asshole as Kevin was, when he cheated on B
ecca it killed her. Sometimes people have a hard time letting go of past relationships even when their hearts insist it’s time to move on.”

  “Exactly why he’s an asshole. But I’m not. I’d appreciate it if you didn’t compare me to him.” He’d let go of Miranda, so what she was suggesting didn’t apply to him. Could she be referring to Becca? No, that wasn’t right. He’d seen her and Kevin together. It wasn’t pretty.

  “Then maybe you shouldn’t be sharing cocktails with your ex on a Friday night.”

  Now he was pissed. “First of all, I wasn’t sharing cocktails. I was finishing up some work when she interrupted. Just because we once shared an intimate relationship, doesn’t mean we can’t continue as friends. We work together. She’s an unavoidable part of my life. Second of all, while your concern is genuine, it’s misplaced. I’d never do anything to hurt Becca. I love her. And third, this is the last time I’ll be interrogated for someone else’s behavior. Everyone needs to get it through their heads, I’m not Kevin.”

  “Good. I’m glad we’re clear.” She turned, but he wasn’t finished.

  “Wait a minute.” He wasn’t sure what he wanted to say, but something definitely had to be said. “I know you’re only trying to protect your best friend, but I think it’s time you realized I’m not the enemy. Why do I suddenly feel like I am?”

  “People fall back into old habits, Braydon.”

  “Not me. When I walk away it’s because I’m done.”

  “Are you sure?”

  He scowled. “Yes, and putting any doubts in Becca’s head will only make her more hesitant to move on with her life. I know she’s your friend, so be hers. She doesn’t need more paranoia. Everyone isn’t out to betray her. I love her. I’d hurt myself before I’d let anything happen to her.”

  She sighed. “Okay.” She nodded. “I’m sorry. I saw you two talking and it looked like a lot more than an employer and employee. I may have overreacted.”

  “Miranda is my friend. Our relationship didn’t end our ties and I still care about her on a platonic level. I shouldn’t have to explain myself when I haven’t done anything wrong. And for future reference, I’ll answer to Becca, but I don’t answer to you.”

  Nikki stepped back and tilted her head. “Wow. It’s nice to know you have a feisty side beneath all those designer duds. I’m sorry I misjudged the situation.”

  He supposed it was better she approached him rather than run back to Becca with a bunch of assumptions. “I don’t mind your concern. But I won’t be held accountable for someone else’s misdeeds.”

  “You’re right. She was upset today and wouldn’t tell me why. I thought maybe…I didn’t know if I had to kick your ass. You’re a little tougher than I expected.”

  His focus diverted, zeroing in on the fact that something was wrong with Becca. “What do you mean she was upset?” He’d sensed she’d had a long week and maybe wasn’t feeling her best, but he didn’t know she was upset.

  Nikki shrugged. “She wouldn’t say.”

  Every passing second suddenly turned to a blatant waste of time. “I gotta go.” As much as he wanted answers, it was a conversation to have with Becca, not her friend.

  On the drive to Becca’s his mind rolled over her friend’s warnings. Miranda wasn’t a threat. He knew where he stood and where he wanted to be. Becca however… She’d once commented on how deeply she struggled to accept her failed marriage. He’d never been married, so he had no personal experience to compare such bonds. She’s also made a comment once about how she would have given Kevin anything if he only took more of an interest in their family. Could she really still be facing those demons still after he’d had an affair? It didn’t make sense to him.

  If she married Kevin, there were valid reasons. In that moment he realized how very different it was to date someone with a hodgepodge of exes compared to dating someone who was once married. Marriage was supposed to be forever. How did one reverse a commitment like that?

  He was getting ahead of himself. This was all on the assumption that Nikki was implying something when she may not have even been referring to Becca. If he hadn’t had so many issues with others being picked over him in the past, he probably wouldn’t be having such a paranoid complex at the moment. He needed to chill.

  When he arrived at Becca’s and the house was dark. It was obvious she wasn’t in any sort of outgoing mood, but her presence alone chased away much of his paranoia. Breathing a sigh of relief, he leaned in a brushed a kiss on her cheek. “Hi.”

  “Hi.”

  Yes, something was definitely bothering her. “You okay?”

  She nodded and shut the door. “Just a long day.”

  He followed as she wandered to the couch where she’d seemed to be snuggling up with a soft blanket and pillow. Settling in beside her, he glanced at the evening news on the television. The volume was muted and she didn’t seem to be watching it. “You sure you’re okay, angel?”

  “Yeah.”

  She wasn’t being honest. Pulling her to his chest, he wrapped his arms around her. “Talk to me.”

  Sighing, she pressed her cheek into his shirt. “I got my period.”

  He expected she would. Though they’d slipped up, the chances of conception after one minor mistake weren’t as great as people often assumed. Some of his siblings spent months trying to conceive.

  “Okay,” he said slowly. “Shouldn’t you be relieved?” And really, he should be too, even if he was a bit disheartened, his disappointment was selfish. “I thought that’s what you wanted.”

  Her lips parted, but her words were absent. Taking a deep breath, she said, “Want is a dangerous word, don’t you think?”

  Choosing his words carefully, he considered what she’d asked. Though Becca claimed to not want more children, at one time she had. Her fears were legitimate, but were they reason enough to disallow her dreams of family? This wasn’t going to be an easy conversation and he didn’t want things to turn volatile. “Sometimes our wants change with time, angel. It’s okay to want something now and change your mind later.”

  “Please don’t be all understanding right now. I can’t handle it.”

  His chin lifted from where it rested on top of her head. “How would you have me be? Irrational?”

  She shifted, pulling away to face him. When Becca insisted on physical distance, it was usually because part of her required emotional distance as well. “Human. Can you just be human for a minute?”

  His head tipped to the side. Unsure if he should be insulted. “I am human.” Her eyes closed and she remained quiet so he nudged her, trying to pull her back to him, but she shouldered him off. “Talk to me, Becca.”

  When her eyes opened, a sheen of tears built above her lashes. “I’m angry.”

  “With me?”

  “No.” She shook her head, running her palm over her hair. “With God, the universe, myself.”

  “Why?”

  Pressing her face to her palms, she quickly dried her eyes in an attempt to shake off any show of emotion. “I don’t want to cry. I’ve done that enough, but I’m sick and tired of every desire hurting.”

  What was hurting her? Was he? Their relationship? “Can you be a little more specific?”

  “I’m talking about children, Braydon. You make me want things I convinced myself to stop wanting years ago.”

  It was a relief he was on the right track. “Who says you can’t want children?”

  “I do. I’m a coward.”

  He had fears too. Sometimes he chased “normal” so hard he lost sight of where he was running. “Do you think we’re moving too fast?” Maybe they were.

  “I don’t know. I think it’s way too soon to even be contemplating family. I mean, we’re still getting to know each other and…”

  Her words trailed off leaving him with a heavy, unpleasant feeling in his gut. “And?”

  She glanced away, adding to his concern. “I’m still not over my past. I don’t know if I can look to the future when
something still seems to be anchoring me where I was.”

  “Over your past or over Kevin?” He had to ask. The idea of her reconciling with that jerk made no sense to him, but there had to be some good to the man that he wasn’t seeing. However, he hoped she’d quell his worry with an emphatic no.

  “I don’t know.”

  His eyes closed at her regrettable omission. “I see.”

  “Do you? It’s not Kevin—the man—but Kevin and my life before you, Braydon. Letting you in means letting that go and I don’t know if I can. I’m scared and the last thing I want to do is hurt you.”

  His breathing turned erratic no matter how much he tried to quell his worry. Whether she realized it or not, her past had already let her go. Clinging to it was an illusion. But sometimes illusions made people do very foolish things. Quietly, he forced the words out. “Are you breaking up with me, Becca?”

  “I don’t want to.”

  “Then don’t. Why are we even discussing this?”

  Her eyes pleaded with him, her mouth tight. “Because it’s important, Braydon. You’re so different than me. You’re courageous and I’m…not.”

  “You’re only a coward if your fear stops you from trying. Being brave doesn’t come without fear, Becca. This is new for me too. It’s okay to be scared. Being a coward means not having the guts to face your fears. Don’t give up on us without trying.”

  “I’m scared and I hate it.”

  He hated it too. When she expressed her fears like this—all valid—it amplified his own. Though he tried to bravely approach this relationship, there was a lot about Becca’s life that intimidated him. He’d never dated someone with a child and the unspoken expectation that came with that sort of commitment challenged his faith in himself.

  Taking her hand and rubbing his thumb over her knuckles, he asked, “What exactly are you afraid of?”

  Tipping her head back, she blinked at the ceiling as a small tear escaped, racing past her lashes and losing itself in her hair. “Drowning.”

  It killed him to see her be so hard on herself. Taking control, he pulled her to him. Her head rested on his lap as he gently combed his fingers through her hair. “Me too.”