by Joe Garden
Contents
Title Page
Dedication
Foreword:
Pulling the Strings
Reasons You Meant to Do That
The Art of Swiping Food
Cardboard Boxes
Extraordinary Cats in History—Part I
Cats and Arch-Villains
Groom, Groom, Groom, Groom, Groom, Groom, Groom
The Laws of Petting
Secrets of Daredevil Cats
Wake Up!
Stowaway Stories
Relatives and Ancestors
Choosing the Perfect Gift
Famous Cats of the Funny Pages
What’s in There?
Hunting Wild Game
Kitty Litter, Explained
For Black Cats—Making the Most of Superstition
Shelf Swat
The Legend of the Crazy Cat Lady
Felinism
An Illustrated Guide to Napping
Extraordinary Cats in History—Part II
Catnip
Organizing an Effective Secret Mission
Egypt: The Land We Once Ruled
The Window
Catfight! Five Moves You Should Know
Careers for Cats
Dogs
How Emma Found Home
Getting Away With It
Cat Talk
The Three Stages of Transcendent Contentment
Life in the Barn
Maneki Neko—The Good Luck Cat
Staring Like a Pro
Maintaining Your Quality of Life If Declawed
What to Do When You’re Stuck Up a Tree
Toying with Allergy Sufferers
Keeping the Mystery in Your Relationship
The Vacuum Cleaner: A Vortex of Terror
Extraordinary Cats in History—Part III: Semper Feline
The Scratching Post and Other Postmodern Forms of Control
Your Attention Span
Fat Cats
Getting Something You Really Need
Extrasensory Pussycats
Booby-Trapping the Home
In Defense of Your Discriminating Palate
Your First Kitty Condo—Making the Leap
The Pros and Cons of Being Sullen
Outsmarting Your Toys
Planning Your Next Vacation
The Nine Lives of Mr. Champ
Acknowledgments
About the Authors
About the Illustrator
Copyright
For Jim Davis
FOREWORD
Pulling the Strings
Cats didn’t need to be domesticated. We have always been proud, shrewd, independent animals living life on our own terms. Fierce and noble, the Felis silvestris catus once ruled all she surveyed. We were worshipped by mortals and roamed wide as we pleased. Rodents and birds trembled at our approach, and the mere sight of a black cat sent even the most hulking human scurrying home. It was a good time to be a kitty.
But cats are no fools. The perks of domestication were too good to pass up. Humans gave us everything we desired: ear massages, better health care, and a bounty of toy mousies. In return, they were permitted to bask in the majesty of our presence. It seemed a fair trade.
Or was it?
Has domesticity really been good for cats? Now kept indoors under the pretense of safety, we’ll often curl up on the couch for hours at a stretch, eat a couple of times, go to the bathroom in a box, and call it a day. Is that the life we want?
When was the last time you stalked an unsuspecting bird, hunted pennies, climbed excitedly up the coats in the closet, or zipped wildly from one end of the house to the other in under four seconds? Sure, we get our share of wet food, and the occasional deliciously fishy treat. But ask yourself this: Who sets your feeding schedule—you or your person?
It’s time we face facts. Domesticity has dulled our authority and bored us silly. Did you know that because of a sedentary lifestyle the average feline today uses a mere two to three of its nine lives? We might be living longer, but aren’t we living less? And what’s become of our haughty spirit, our famously sassy, standoffish personalities, and our legendary curiosity? Aren’t they languishing on that luxurious goose-down cat bed from the glossy pet catalogue?
Cats have been content to take a comfortable backseat in life for far too long. The time has come to step out of the shadows and pull the proverbial strings in our households. Luckily, we can do it without giving up any of the comforts we’ve come to enjoy and expect.
Of course, the question for most cats is “How?”
The answers are in this book. It contains all the information needed to regain control of your sovereign destiny. In it, you will discover the secrets of how daredevil cats survive seemingly impossible, death-defying stunts. You will learn why the Egyptians worshipped your ancestors as gods, and why your person should do the same. You will find out all there is to know about kitty litter, and get to look at some fantastic pictures of glorious cardboard boxes. You’ll also be taught to stare like a pro, wake a sleeping person, and get away with practically anything.
But what we really hope you find in this book is yourself—a noble creature who seeks to experience the wild, unrestrained joys hidden within the sheltered, pampered life you deserve.
Reasons You Meant to Do That
In the human world, there is a thing called a “mistake.” There’s no exact translation in the feline language, but it basically means doing something you did not intend to do. The concept is quite confusing to cats since everything we do is done both correctly and on purpose. There are occasions, however, when our actions appear to resemble one of these so-called “mistakes” to humans, and this coincidence often produces accidental miscommunications. In the event of such a mix-up, you should have some prepared statements ready in order to avoid an incorrect interpretation of your actions.
“Mistake”: Your head is stuck in a beer mug.
Reason: Bavarian cats have long known that sleeping in dewy beer steins can refresh and smooth the coat. The hops, malt, and barley also provide an aromatic masking agent for mousing. Plus, there’s nothing wrong with a little nightcap.
“Mistake”: You slammed headfirst into a screen window.
Reason: There was a bug—a huge, megabug—right between your eyes that just wouldn’t get off. Well, it’s off now, isn’t it? What’s more, a powerful and graphic message that your face is strictly off-limits has been sent to the bug community.
“Mistake”: You leapt from the loveseat to the television, but rather than landing on top, continued sliding off the set.
Reason: That “slip” was a symbolic act of civil disobedience. The grip multinational conglomerates have over the airwaves has reached a critical mass. Lack of competition in Big Media has made quality programming all but obsolete. Your slide was meant to be a physical representation of the slippery slope we tread when we permit the corporate monopolization of entertainment, which creates an uninformed, intellectually lazy, and generally apathetic populace. If your person didn’t get that, it just proves the point.
“Mistake”: While stretching out on the couch, you rolled off the cushions and fell to the floor.
Reason: After spending all day licking your claws, you didn’t want to ruin their luster by getting them caked in the thick layer of dust your person allowed to build up in the rug.
“Mistake”: You slipped into the fish tank.
Reason: Those neon tetras, angelfish, and dopey zebrafish were taunting you all day. What appeared to your person as an unintentional dip was in fact a carefully choreographed move designed to instill shock and awe in your fishy foes. Now they know they’re not even safe in their castles and treasur
e chests; if pushed to the limit, you won’t hesitate to get wet.
“Mistake”: You’re swinging around from a ceiling fan at 180 rpm.
Reason: Look, you’re a busy cat with better things to do than wait around and air-dry after your dip into the fish tank. Clinging to a fan blade allows you to dry quickly and get on with the day. Staying damp for any longer is tantamount to letting the fish win.
“Mistake”: You played an unstructured, unmelodic scherzo on the piano.
Reason: That seemingly anarchic piece was actually the third movement of your free jazz symphony.
“Mistake”: You’re trapped in the refrigerator.
Reason: Trapped? Hardly. You’ll come out once you’ve eaten, well, everything.
“Mistake”: Rather than walk down a staircase, you tumbled down without your paws ever making stable contact with any one individual stair.
Reason: Oh, does your person still make sure to step on every stair? That’s so…quaint. Apparently the efficient practice of stair-sliding has not spread to the world’s more pedestrian species.
“Mistake”: You wandered into the reptile house at the Topeka City Zoo and have been swallowed whole by a Burmese python.
Reason: You’re following up on a tip that the python ingested an awesome toy that was dropped in the exhibit. Once you retrieve it, you’ll just set off the firecrackers you brought along and stroll out of the serpent’s gullet without receiving so much as a scrape.
The Art of Swiping Food
You’ve heard the tales. Maybe you’ve even witnessed the sad sight of an animal humiliating itself for nothing more than a morsel of human food, its hunger-twisted mind somehow rationalizing that an eagerly performed Irish jig on command is worth a chunk of taco and a lifetime of self-loathing.
Unlike such creatures, cats are way above begging. After all, it is highly undignified behavior that not only makes the beggar look weak and needy but demeans its entire species.
Cats prefer the direct approach when it comes to getting our fair share—by being yowling, insufferable pests, or just hopping up and helping ourselves. However, these gambits come with consequences. Brazenly taking a bite of your person’s Lean Cuisine entrée or coming at it from all sides while screaming your head off has certainly gotten you bounced from a room more than once.
So how do you easily get the food that’s not freely offered but is owed you nonetheless? The answer is swiping. It will help you get your mitts on a wide array of tasty treats with no groveling, and no paw prints left behind.
Swiping is an art borne of opportunity, and truly effective swiping requires a quick wit combined with steely patience, self-control, and your natural gifts of creeping and sneaking. Resisting the instinct to pounce on anything even remotely worth eating is as difficult as it sounds. Expert swipers train for years, but their hard work is rewarded. Those at the top of the craft are able to pad their everyday caloric intake by as much as 75 percent through swiping alone!
To get started, here are three basic swipes you can employ:
The Up ’n Down: If party preparations are afoot or a holiday meal is being whipped up, there are definitely delectable items resting upon countertops and other elevated places. Settle in the general vicinity of the best smell and cloak yourself with an air of relaxed innocence. Appear as though you are no threat whatsoever to the scrumptious, hovering foodstuffs. As the day becomes more chaotic, the attendant humans will forget you’re even there. The second you notice the area is cleared, make a beeline for the chow zone.
Once under your target area, employ the Up ’n Down swipe—reaching up and pulling down whatever you can touch. A paw isn’t a particularly effective periscope, so your swipe selection will rely on the paw pads’ deliciousness sensors and overall dumb luck. On coffee tables and hutches, keep a feel out for spongy chunks of Gouda and greasy slices of yummy salami. If you’re in the kitchen and your paw feels something that’s big, sticky, and damp, hook your claws in and yank. You might wind up with a baked ham all to yourself!
Once you score, quickly scram to a safe, rarely trafficked location to evaluate your booty.
Since this is a sight-impaired maneuver, the Up ’n Down will occasionally yield nothing more than a gherkin or a wine cork. If you don’t have adequate cover to make a follow-up swipe, at least you can have a good time batting one of these around the house for a while.
The Down ’n Up: Performed when positioned above food, the Down ’n Up swipe involves gingerly reaching down and drawing a morsel up to you. This swipe is best accomplished when invisible.
When your person is eating a meal on the couch, slip behind her and slowly dip your paw down to her plate, being careful not to make contact with any part of her body. Perfect silence is a must, but that shouldn’t be an issue, because you are invisible. When utilizing the Down ’n Up, you have a view and can be choosy. This is the time to go for the beef component of the beef Stroganoff, not the stinky mushrooms.
The Gimme-Gimme Slide: The great thing about swiping is that, in addition to snagging some human food, it can also be used to right some intraspecies wrongs. If you live with another cat who you are certain gets far superior grub, deploy the Gimme-Gimme Slide. In most multicat households, meals are served in tandem, which offers the best swiping vantage. While maintaining at least a passing interest in your food, slowly reach sideways, scoop up a pawful of her meal, and place it in your dish. It may have come from the same can, but rest assured the food in her bowl was dispensed from its premium quadrant. Over time, the other cat may start to get kind of scrawny, which will worry your person, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing. She’ll just dish out more food for your rival. And that’s a bounty all the more ripe for your swiping!
Cardboard Boxes
Remember that exciting day when you were a kitten and the first box arrived in your home? It smelled like different! What could it be? Cheese? Squirrels? Squirrels filled with cheese? You leapt on top of it, sniffing and picking at the flaps to find out what was inside. When your person finally sliced the box open, you were disappointed to discover that all it contained was her late-night QVC jewelry purchases. But once those useless guts were removed, a wonderful, snuggly cube was revealed. Like a siren, it called, this room within a room. You chewed the edges, rubbed your face all over the pointy parts, and greedily crammed yourself inside.
Ever since that magical day, you have been very sure of one thing—you will lay claim to each and every box you encounter.
However, keeping this vow isn’t as easy as it might seem. Cardboard boxes are under constant threat from your person, who could swoop in and flatten them at any moment. The only way to really keep dibs on your box is to get inside and stay put no matter what. Known as box-steading, this requires a singular focus and the investment of a whole lot of time. Long naps are always an option, but sometimes you’re just too feisty. And that’s when you can be most vulnerable, jeopardizing your claim by scrambling after a piece of cellophane.
To ensure that box stays yours, it’s vital to stay focused and keep occupied. If you’re a determined box-steader, we’ve got some activities to help keep you going:
Fruit Crates: Having a sun-drenched rest in one of these open-air numbers is sublime, but they can also be used for other exciting pursuits. Try transforming this box into a battering ram. Tear across the living room and leap in, sending the box careening into plant stands and stacks of DVDs. If your person is trainable, she can also drag the box around the living room while you enjoy thrilling adventures as Captain Stinky of the USS California Oranges.
Beer Cases/File Boxes: Take a moment to inspect whether your box comes equipped with bonus side-portals. If so, you’re in luck, because you’ve got the perfect setup to play a game of Lurk and Smack. Hunker down in its dark confines and poke your paw through a hole. Then blindly and frantically smack at whatever might be passing by—legs, fur tumbleweeds, legs, that dog, legs. Give ’em all the works.
Pizza Boxes: At first
there’s a whole lot to do in a box that once contained a pizza pie, like scavenging for nuggets of meat and licking puddles of oil. But after you run out of snacky bits, what else is there? Plenty! This box easily converts into a lair when you transform into your alter ego, Flattened Kitty-Worm, who shall vanquish all who dare enter her kitchen-floor domain!
Refrigerator Boxes: You can enjoy an afternoon of peaceful seclusion in one of these boxes, but it can get boring in that deep, murky space. Instead, pretend to be trapped in a well. Let out wail after terrified wail till your person races in to find out what’s wrong. When she breathlessly opens the lid to come to the rescue, just groom yourself nonchalantly like you haven’t a care in the world. This never gets old, so feel free to keep it up all afternoon.
SPECIAL BOX OCCASIONS
Certain days bring with them a veritable box bonanza, and this can overwhelm even the most seasoned box-steader. So many at once! Which should you claim? The answer is all of them, if you can manage it!
Christmas: The weeks before Christmas are a time of high spirits and wonder, with clanky ornaments to shatter, crinkly paper to be shredded, and clunky candles just asking for a smack down the stairs. But this is nothing compared to the box-boom awaiting you on the big day. Boxes filled with tissue paper! Boxes filled with twist-ties and instructions! Boxes that stink like summer sausage! Just run around like crazy and investigate. Dive in! Dive out! Dive in again! Take your time because, in the spirit of the season, your person will leave these boxes lying around for an extra-long time. To let her know you appreciate it, go cram that big fluffy butt of yours in that little, bitty box right over there and pose for next year’s Christmas card photo.