by Joe Garden
Moving: If a large number of preflattened boxes start entering the house, you are probably moving. The actual move will be an unpleasant experience, but the packing phase is actually great, so make the most of it. Out of nowhere, box after box will just start appearing. Hop into every one you can, burrowing under the newspapers and shedding real good on all the kitchen gear. Don’t worry about getting scolded. Your person will let you do whatever you want because she’ll feel guilty about uprooting her baby, particularly if you’re moving in with her fiancé who keeps a potbellied pig.
No matter the box or the occasion, always remember the most important rule of box-steading. Be adorable. One thing is for certain: Any cat looking cute in a cardboard box keeps her box for that much longer, and has lots more boxes in her future.
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THINGS THAT ARE NOT BOXES THAT YOU SHOULD BE IN
Grocery Bag: What’s in that bag? Are you in that bag? If not, get in there!
Cooler: Your comfort is more important than the temperature of the beer.
Colander: These are cozy and perfectly cat-sized, and besides, spaghetti isn’t even delicious.
Laundry Basket: Nothing improves a pair of dress slacks like your fur.
Bathroom Sink: Your person can brush her teeth just as well in that one in the kitchen.
Overturned Cowboy Hat: No matter how angry it’s making that good ol’ boy, you’re golden as long as the girls swoon over you.
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Extraordinary Cats in History—Part I
All cats love to leave their mark on things. People, furniture, books, even whole houses can be declared cat property and, once that happens, never be taken away.
zMarking a place in history is another matter. To be remembered forever takes more than a simple brush against destiny, and it’s definitely not as easy as snagging a video-game system by rubbing your face on the controller.
What follows are tales of those who earned their place in the annals of history with persistence, courage, intelligence, and cunning. These cats will always be revered. They are extraordinary.
FRED—UNDERCOVER DETECTIVE CAT
While law enforcement agencies have employed many dogs, the number of cat cops has been much smaller. This is mainly due to the fact that cats aren’t particularly keen on intractable rules and generally prefer more flexible guidelines. There is, however, one absolute law that must be obeyed: Anyone practicing veterinary medicine had better be board certified and licensed by the state. A cat named Fred discovered that law being broken and decided to do something about it.
When Fred was a kitten living on the mean streets of New York City, he had a host of health problems, and it didn’t appear there was much hope for him. Luckily, Fred was rescued by Animal Care & Control. He was nursed back to health and eventually became part of a loving family.
Fred’s adopted family worked in the New York district attorney’s office. One case under investigation concerned a phony veterinarian operating without proper training or licensing. The DA’s office was contacted by the owner of a dog named Burt who had endured an unsafe and unnecessary surgery.
A brief investigation revealed that Burt was not the first animal to be victimized by this quack. Less than a year after being plucked from the streets, Fred was enlisted to help bring down the perpetrator. He signed on without reservation. The guy had to be stopped.
A sting was set in motion. First, police outfitted a mock apartment in Brooklyn with concealed microphones and cameras. Then a detective contacted the phony vet and inquired about having her cat neutered. When the appointment was scheduled, the district attorney’s office sent in Fred as their undercover cat.
Fred, Undercover Cat for the New York district attorney’s office
The subject arrived at the apartment and agreed to neuter Fred for the sum of $135. The trap was sprung. As he tried to leave with Fred in a cat carrier, waiting detectives cuffed him.
Following the arrest, Fred received many honors. He appeared at press conferences wearing his DA badge, received a Law Enforcement Appreciation Award, and was even presented the Mayor’s Alliance Award by Mary Tyler Moore and Bernadette Peters on Broadway.
It is with a heavy heart that we tell you Fred passed away in 2006. His death remains a tragic loss, but it is comforting to know Fred will never be forgotten.
ALICE—THE CAT WHO PLAYS GUITAR BETTER THAN JIMI HENDRIX
As anyone who has ever poked around on YouTube will attest, cats can play the piano. The world is sadly unaware, however, of a freaky cat named Alice. Not only is she the first feline to play the guitar, but Alice can also jam better than Jimi Hendrix.
Alice lives in Sandusky, Ohio—a long ways from Jimi Hendrix’s hometown of Seattle, Washington, but the two do share a birthday, November 27th. Alice knows this because her person, Danny B., makes it a point to tell her at almost any opportunity.
Danny B. has been an aspiring guitarist for fourteen years, and sometime in 2003 he inspired Alice to take up the instrument.
One night she watched as Danny B. practiced, her ears twitching each time he hit a bad note. He got progressively more discouraged, eventually throwing the guitar down in frustration.
After running out to the garage for a little while, he came back and popped in his Woodstock DVD for the 167th time. As Danny B. muttered about how great Hendrix was, Alice sniffed around his guitar and pawed at the strings. She liked how it felt but got scared at the noise and ran to Danny B.’s lap, curling up with him on the couch to watch how Hendrix did it.
For five years Alice followed that same basic schedule. Every night after Danny B. was done practicing, she lounged with him on the couch and studied Hendrix intently until the pizza came.
In time, Alice began to understand where Jimi was coming from. She got the guitar and started making noises that weren’t frightening. Cats started to come from all over to peer in the window and watch her jam. With her eyes closed and head tilted back, Alice put on the show she learned from Hendrix, but then took it a step further.
Instead of just playing with her teeth and behind her back, Alice perfected the trick of using her tail, something that not even Jimi dreamt of doing. Having five claws on each paw meant she could play without a pick. With this technique Alice brought a whole new meaning to the term “guitar shredding.”
Danny B. still doesn’t know Alice can play, because she waits until he’s gone to work at the coin-operated Laundromat before cranking up the amplifier. Lately she has been putting the finishing touches on her album, Salmon: Bold As Love. It’s a shame the human world will be deprived of it, but her cat fans in Sandusky are preparing to be blown away. Rumor has it that her use of a meow-meow pedal is unbelievable.
Cats and Arch-Villains
The film industry has long acknowledged the relationship between cats and arch-villains. Whether it is the white Persian held by James Bond’s nemesis, Ernst Stavro Blofeld, or the cat behind the desk of Don Corleone, or Lucifer, the companion of Cinderella’s evil stepmother, the presence of a feline is often a tipping point between regular villain and arch-villain. Though these examples are fictional, like all great movie conventions, they are rooted in reality. Rumor has it that Benedict Arnold was convinced to turn traitor thanks to a stray with a taste for British pudding, and according to intelligence reports leaked from North Korea, dictator Kim Jong Il receives counsel from an all-Siamese advisory panel. The dynamic between cat and arch-villain is a complex one, and perhaps the most symbiotic of all interspecies relationships.
World domination is not a single-person enterprise. Villains who aspire to more than the occasional petty small-town bank heist know they need allies. As an animal that naturally maintains dominance over all it surveys, cats are uniquely qualified to advise these evil power-seekers on topics such as double-crossing, silencing do-gooders, and constructing a W80 thermonuclear warhead that can be deployed via cruise missile using the BGM-109G Gryphon GLCM.
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A DAY I
N THE LIFE OF AN ARCH-VILLAIN’S CAT
6:00 A.M. Wake up evil army by stepping on all of their faces
8:45 A.M. Stare at shark tank for twenty minutes before selecting which one you want for breakfast
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The decision to ally oneself with an arch-villain, however, is a difficult one. First of all, helping a human take control of a world that is already ours seems a bit silly, but sometimes a power-sharing agreement is preferable to protracted conflict. There are several important questions to consider before aiding any diabolical plot:
• What kind of food is the dastardly genius offering in exchange for your services? Are we talking plain-old canned chicken hearts and liver, or is there a promise of fresh grouper? Chances are good your involvement will result in the subjugation of all mankind, so demand that food be at least four out of five stars.
• How competent is the arch-villain? Azrael was a strong, proud cat, but his alliance with the bumbling evil wizard Gargamel perpetually made him look foolish. Being undone and embarrassed by a piddling group of blue half-men like the Smurfs is something no cat should ever endure. Before you sign on with an evildoer, request to see a résumé of past malevolent deeds. Additionally, have him detail his five-and ten-year plans. Find out if he hopes to rule over a hemisphere or if his ambition begins and ends with blowing up a dam. Remember, arch-villains need you more than you need them. Be selective.
• Does the arch-villain have plans for domination beyond Earth? This is a critical question. If the rogue is setting up Moon bases, building menacing spaceships, or developing intergalactic teleportation technology, cats may finally be able to search for the succulent alien fish thought to exist in the frozen Venusian ocean.
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A DAY IN THE LIFE OF AN ARCH-VILLAIN’S CAT
9:30 A.M. Get on the horn with the South American outpost and see how the construction of the satellite field in the heart of the Amazon is coming along
Noon Chase slowly rolling smoke bomb around
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• How comfortable is the arch-villain’s lap? As his official cat, you will be spending nearly all of your time there. He’ll need to keep in contact with you twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. There is no time off in the world-domination business. The last thing you want is to be stuck on a bony pelvis. Make sure to inspect the thighs of the arch-villain before signing on. If there’s a little heft on the lower half, you’ll be in good shape, but make sure it’s not too rotund. You don’t want to be the nearest thing in reach of a Jabba the Hutt–type when he starts feeling hungry.
If you ultimately decide to align with an arch-villain, there are certain protocols to follow. You won’t always see eye-to-eye, but direct confrontation is messy and time-consuming. Also, it’s best not to rile homicidal maniacs. If you want to get your way or make a suggestion, there is an easy, peaceful method to communicate ideas:
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A DAY IN THE LIFE OF AN ARCH-VILLAIN’S CAT
12:15 P.M. Hiss at Interpol agent who threw smoke bomb as he engages in hand-to-hand combat with henchmen
3:00 P.M. Play with rope that is keeping Interpol agent tied to a chair
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A DAY IN THE LIFE OF AN ARCH-VILLAIN’S CAT
6:30 P.M. Climb to top of watchtower, consider signaling to clueless guards that SEAL Team 3 is approaching; nap instead
8:00 P.M. Go back down to command center to see who’s in charge now
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1. When you are in the lap of the arch-villain, he will have a natural compulsion to pet you.
2. As the arch-villain strokes your fur, begin to meditate on the given situation. Let’s say, for example, that he leads an organized-crime syndicate and some sad sack is in the office, begging for forgiveness after once again failing to pay his weekly tribute. If the groveling human happens to run a decent bakery or sells high-quality meats, he will likely offer food in lieu of cash. Visualize the arch-villain’s henchmen refraining from taking a baseball bat to the guy’s legs.
3. Once you’ve made the decision to show mercy, a special glycoprotein with encoded instructions is released through your fur. The unique skin of arch-villains can absorb feline glycoprotein, so when their fingertips make contact with you, the instructions travel through their bloodstream and into their brains. Once there, your message is received and your bidding is carried out.
4. In this case, the order to show mercy is communicated, and soon you will be snacking on cannoli and sopressata.
Perhaps you are asking: Why not ally with a superhero instead of an arch-villain? It really comes down to shared goals. Very rarely does one hear of a superhero who aims to control all space and time. They just don’t have the same drive and ambition as their wicked adversaries. There is, however, one caveat to consider. All arch-villains have an expiration date. Eventually the hubris from which they derive power causes their downfall. If you find yourself in a flaming underground bunker as your arch-villain and a super-spy are battling it out, don’t be afraid to switch sides. You are under no obligation to go down with the secret island base. Jump on the arch-villain’s back and start clawing like crazy while the good guy blasts him with a laser gun. Then prepare to be whisked away to safety and honored for your heroics. This new standing will put you in a good position to become a democratically elected universal ruler—so either way, it’s win-win.
Groom, Groom, Groom, Groom, Groom, Groom, Groom
Today’s cat is busier than ever. A crush of distractions and ever-increasing responsibilities compete for our limited attention. Scan the ceiling for bugs. Check the sink for dirty dishes. Tear apart that new bouquet of flowers on the coffee table. Just thinking about it all is enough to make you crazy.
Being beautifully groomed may seem like yet another chore, but a cat’s appearance can’t be put at the bottom of the list.
Life should never get in the way of your beauty. Just groom, groom, groom, groom, groom, groom, groom right through a busy day.
MIDSECTION
Properly wedging in between your sleeping person’s knees sometimes takes quite a few tries. Don’t let an opportunity for a good midsection cleaning go by as she tosses back and forth. She’s soundly half-asleep, so go ahead and slurp all you want.
PAWS
You’ve been scratching at the underside of the mattress for fifteen minutes straight. Take a break now and then to rid your lovely mitts of all that dust while your person pleads for you to come out of there.
BEHIND THE EARS
When smacking the bedroom door to gain entry, stop occasionally to hear if your person is climbing out of bed. That’s a good time to clean well behind the ears before resuming scratching at the door until it opens.
UNDER THE CHIN
The shower curtain requires cleaning again and your person is too busy blow-drying her hair to be bothered. Licking it spotless falls to you and that’s a big job. Use the water that collects in the fur under your chin as a moisturizer. You’ll look so good leaving the bathroom no one will ever guess how much work you did.
SHOULDERS
Don’t be tempted to stand idly watching your person try to find her keys before she leaves the house. It’s an entertaining way to spend ten minutes, but not really the best use of your time. Here’s a time-saving tip: The moment she starts to wave goodbye, take a serious interest in your shoulders. After all, the show’s pretty much over and there’s no point in just standing there.
FACE
As you’re getting comfortable for the ride to Planet Naptune, squeeze in a quick scrub of your pretty face. You’ll be a more attractive snoozer and also discover that the dream flying saucer goes even faster with slick whiskers.
BOTTOM
When your person returns home you’re expected to sit down and listen to her day. It’s just as easy to feign paying attention while cleaning your bottom.
The Laws of Petting
In our nation’s colonial days, cats we
re safely ensconced inside homes, but they were having trouble getting any real attention. Humans were so busy running around crabbing about tea, electrocuting kites, and ladling out liberty that they had little space in their schedules for cuddle sessions. On the off chance a human happened to be lying around the house, it was because he was too woozy from copious medicinal leechings to be out making history, let alone paying attention to cat antics.
However, it just so happened that these blood-deprived humans also had a habit of passing out and knocking over kerosene lamps. While cats were annoyed at having to constantly lick them awake and guide them to safety through walls of flame, it was because of these heroics that humans finally stopped taking cats for granted.
Even with this victory, the situation failed to substantially improve. Cats were getting attention, but it stunk. They bristled at the occasional ham-fisted pat the man of the house dished out, or wriggled frantically against strangleholds the children inflicted.