by Ella Edon
"I'm fine."
"You do not look so well to me." She touched his shoulder lightly. "Stefan, is this about Lady Esther? Since the end of your courtship, you've been sad. And you act as though you've lost your mind."
He turned to her abruptly, his eyes flamed with fury. How could she say he had lost his mind?
"I beg your pardon?"
Alexandra swallowed hard and shrunk away. She muttered an inaudible apology and quickly alighted the carriage. Stefan punched his fist in his palm and ran a hand through his hair before finally getting out of the carriage and walked through the large doors.
* * *
Dinner was silent. The Dowager Duchess sat at the end, Stefan at the other end, Robert by his side, Will and Alexandra, far away from his side and closer to their mother. After their mother had briefly blessed the meal, she began to eat.
Stefan blinked once, and he was gone. Esther filled his mind again. He remembered riding Black and having her seated behind him. He recalled the pleasure of having her so close. And she had done the most selfless thing, she has given up all of the plans they made for that day, so he could teach William.
He smiled slowly, thinking of her always made him smile.
He wondered if she stared at the sky at night, only to be reminded of him. She had once said that the sky at night reminded her of his eyes. The dim blue laced with twinkling stars. He chuckled and wondered what it would feel like again to see her blush.
"Stefan!" With a snap, their voices called him out of his daze.
He looked up to see four pairs of eyes staring at him strangely. The Dowager Duchess was the first to take action. She shook her head from where she sat and said quite loudly. "You've gone mad. You have lost your mind."
"I did mention that to him earlier." Alex looked down. "But he acted worse. Stefan had never raised his voice at me as he did today, and I had done nothing wrong. His stare had been terrifying, mother."
"You barely ride with me anymore," William muttered.
Robert looked around like he was lost. He swallowed his bite before finally speaking. "Stefan seems normal to me. However, I do miss the lady. Lady Esther. I heard Mr. Alfred mutter to mama's lady’s maid that Lady Esther is to be wed." Robert turned to a frozen Stefan. "Do I at least get to go to the wedding?"
Alexandra let her head fall into her now almost empty plate. The Duchess chided her. "No lady should act this way, Alex!"
William stared at Stefan strangely and muttered something inaudible before trying to stifle laughter.
Stefan looked at everyone before finally gaining consciousness and blinking. "Esther is to be wed?"
"It's only a rumor, dear. I do not think she has given Lord Milway a reply. However, Lord Milway has indeed made it quite obvious that the lady is only his. He doesn't let her dance with anyone else at the previous two balls I have seen them at. If that isn't a sign of something more than just courtship, I don't know what to call it." The Dowager Duchess shrugged. She patted Alex's back and asked her to go clean her face.
Stefan stared at them. They carried on with their activities normally, regularly. Hadn't they heard what he had heard? Didn't they feel what he felt? The hardening in his stomach. The knots in his chest. Esther was to wed that bloody fool? He shook his head. No. No. She wouldn't. She had kissed him. And she had loved his kiss. He had seen it in her eyes.
"No," he muttered again. Esther was his. That bloody fool was not allowed to wed her. Stefan felt his chest clench and contract. With his entire family staring at him and the thought of Esther spending the rest of her life with Lord Milway or anyone that was not him, he finally concluded one thing. He wanted Esther. He wanted her. And he would die first before he let Lord Milway wed her. He rose and paced the room. He needed to see her, he had to see her. Pulling both hands through his hair, he stormed out of the room.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
The dress Katherine chose was red. Esther chose a blue dress because the color looked very familiar. Anne chose a gold-colored dress. They were preparing for the forthcoming ball. Esther was afraid that the ball was fast approaching, and she was not quite ready for it yet. It was to be a grand affair. Every member of the ton would be in attendance. Many a time, she watched the Duchess fuss over invitations not sent to certain people. Esther breathed out slightly.
She turned just in time to see her mother walking into her room. Marlene busied herself with lacing her corset. Esther groaned as Marlene tightened the corset.
"Too much? My Lady?"
"Of course, it is. She looks about ready to turn red," the countess muttered, rushing to her side and loosening the laces. She helped Marlene put it right before finally stepping away. To Esther, she said. "Are you heading to the orphanage?"
"Yes, mother. After which, I may drop by at Somerset Castle before heading home again."
"I see." She walked over to sit on Esther's bed. "The Duchess is trying so hard to make her Christmas ball the best of all time. I truly admire her."
"Of course."
"Darling, would you be seeing Lord MIlway today?" Her mother queried out of the blue.
Esther shook her head, absently. She never spoke to anyone about Nicholas. She never even discussed the fact that he had sought her hand. She was too occupied in thinking of an appropriate answer to share that details. From time to time, she wondered what it would be like to say yes. To wed him, to be his wife, forever. And her wondering had resorted in a blank stare. She had gained nothing, no perspective from trying hard to imagine what a life with him would be like.
"How are things with Lord Milway?"
"Fine."
Lady Kendal called out to Marlene and asked her to excuse them. Marlene bowed, muttered and ran along. Esther stood there in a petticoat and corset, and felt that she needed something simple to wear that day. A simple muslin dress would do.
Lady Kendal patted the space beside her. Reluctantly, Esther walked over and took a seat. Lady Kendal pushed the hair out of Esther's face and smiled at her. "Darling? You do know what I mean when I ask about Lord Milway, do you not?"
Esther shrugged. "Perhaps."
"The Earl has made his intentions known. He intends to wed you, Esther."
Esther didn't like how her mother said it. So casually, as though it meant nothing that he wanted to wed her. Marrying someone was a huge decision. It involved forever, with no way out. She clamped her mouth shut and stared at the floor. Her mother went on.
"Are you happy, darling? Are you happy with Lord Milway?"
Esther finally raised her gaze and stared at her mother. Lady Kendalhad a smile on her lips, but her eyes were dim, sad perhaps. And Esther felt as though her mother’s gaze reflected hers. Slowly, she began to shake her head. "I'm not certain how I feel, mama." As she whispered, bile rose to her throat.
"How do you mean?"
"I do not know if I want to wed Nicholas. However, it feels as though there is no other option. It feels as though this is my opportunity at trying to finally be happy, with one person, for the rest of my life. But it feels all wrong too. It all does not make any sense. This same reason that pulls me is the same reason that pushes me away. I — I'm still finding my way back to Nicholas. Something tells me that I will eventually find my way. And something else says that I may never. This has left me in confusion, mother. I'm uncertain what I feel. And I am still uncertain what to do."
Lady Kendal finally stopped forcing her smile. Her lips turned down in a frown. Esther asked immediately. "How did you know you loved Papa? How?"
Lady Kendal's face lit up genuinely that instant and in an excited tone, she said. "It was an arranged marriage. I was betrothed to your papa even before I was born. I never liked him as a girl. I thought him too pompous. He was a few years older, liked to pester me. It took a while, but I truly, truly began to love your papa when we were married. For the first few months, I had hated him. But that hate grew to love."
Esther's eyes flickered with hope. "Does that mean, Mama, that I may
eventually love Nicholas as I used to?"
Lady Kendal shook her head. "Oh dear, it is not the same for everyone. I cannot assure you that you would love him as I did your papa. Love is never certain, dear. And no one can tell what the future holds. But for now, be sure you follow your heart."
Esther was impatient, confused at her answer even. "But did you follow your heart with Papa? You said you hadn't loved him. How would I know if I'm doing the right thing?"
Lady Kendal gently took her daughter’s hands in her own and patted them. "Somehow, I knew your father understood me in spite of all our differences. Layered with misunderstanding and the constant argument was a silent mutual connection we slowly uncovered. I felt that connection early, but not the love. The love grew. I followed my heart subconsciously, however, and seeing I had no choice. But darling, you have a choice now. What do you feel? Do you feel connected to Lord Milway? Do you feel you can salvage what you once had? If you feel all of this, then you can go ahead. But do not decide under pressure. Or because of anyone. Let your heart lead you, darling, to make the right decision."
Esther stared at her mother for a while, and it all sank in. She decided then that after she visited the children at the orphanage, she would see both Anne and Katherine, and they would all discuss this matter. Anne and Katherine had similar situations to hers, and they would understand her better. They would be in the best position to tell her what to do. For now, she held on to her mother's words as she headed out.
* * *
Lord Richmond sent Anne a look that left her flustered. She waved her hands dismissively, and he walked out of the room with a simple nod. Anne turned to her friends, her cheeks red. "Henry likes to make silly jokes. Pardon his intrusion."
Katherine nodded absently. "It's alright."
"Great. I tried my dress on, and it was too loose. I sent it back," Anne grumbled. "But I want silk such as that. I want a dress exactly like that."
"Mine fitted perfectly well. What about yours, Esther?"
They were seated in Anne's bedchamber at Richmond House. Katherine was seated on the bed. Anne stood beside her, and Esther was seated on the armchair facing the hearth. She had just left the orphanage, and she didn't hesitate to stop by Anne's house. She had planned to speak to both her friends separately, but on getting to Richmond House, she was surprised to find Katherine already there. They seemed thrilled to see her and had marveled at the coincidence.
"Mine was just fine." She forced a grin. Anne sent her a worried look. Katherine simply nodded and looked away.
They fell into silence. Esther sat up, seeing the opportunity to strike. Her curiosity was eating her up, and she needed to know what decision was right for her.
"Anne," she started. "Katherine."
They both looked at her. She shyly asked if she could ask something of them.
"Yes," Anne asked happily.
"What is it Esther?" Katherine added with a gentle smile. Katherine seemed to take everything calmly of late. Esther wasn't sure, but she guessed it was because of the babe in her womb.
"How did you know, Lord Richmond and Lord Bowmount respectively, were right for you? How did you know to agree to be wed to them?" She darted her eyes. The ladies stared at themselves and then back at her.
"Esther is...this about Nicholas?"
"Or Stefan?" Anne added.
Esther shook her head. "Bother not whom it is about. First, you must respond to my question before giving me one of yours, which I promise to respond to truthfully."
Anne stepped closer to her. "Esther, when you love someone, you just know."
"Indeed." Katherine nodded. "You just know. It comes differently to people."
Impatiently, she asked. "How? How did you know Lord Richmond was right for you, even when he was engaged to Katherine? And how did you know Victor was right for you? Would you have wed him if you were not with child?"
Her question left both her friends staring at her in confusion. Seeing that she may have said too much and may have hurt her friends in casually asking about their lives, she felt regret for blurting out what had come to her mind at a moment of frustration.
"I'm so sorry," she said. "I'm so sorry for sounding so —"
"It's alright, Esther. We understand that you have been placed in this situation that seems so hard to figure out. You will find your way out of it. To answer your question, deep down, even before the babe, Victor and I loved each other very much. We were both hurting apart. The babe was only a trigger to push what was already in motion. So, when he asked that I wed him, it was nothing more than a dream come true for me," said Katherine with ease.
Anne nodded in response. "I felt very guilty because Henry was supposed to be engaged to Katherine. However, in spite of all, I knew where my heart belonged the moment I laid eyes on him. Henry is my one true love."
"When Victor is far away from me, I long to be close to him."
"Even the littlest things remind me of Henry."
"The green vase in my bedchamber reminds of Victor's eyes," Katherine muttered. Her cheeks flamed.
"Oh, I smell Henry almost anywhere. I feel like he's watching most times, even when he's not around me." Anne blushed.
Esther let her lips curved into a smile. She did feel all those things. She knew what that felt like. To want to hold onto someone forever.
"Just follow your heart to know what is right for you. Do what you feel is right, Esther. The heart never lies." Anne patted her cheeks. "Because any mistake made by not listening to our hearts, leaves us scared and hurt and regretful for the rest of our lives. Do not choose a path that would be convenient for you. Choose one that would make you happy."
Just like that, by staring at the happy faces of two women she loved and cherished the most, she knew what they felt, because she felt it, too. Buried within layers of hurt and pain and confusion, she was sure about one thing. She was certain of what her heart wanted. And for the first time in a while, she finally knew what she was going to do.
* * *
She got home that night relieved for having talked to her friends. Their words had helped her finally find herself again. Her mother's words also rang in her ears. A constant reminder of what she needed to do as well. She rode in on her horse. It came to a halt at Kendal Manor. She couldn't wait to go in so Lady Kendal could see the clarity on her face.
She handed her horse to George, smiling at the young man and asking how his day went. And with an even smile, she headed towards the door and pushed it open. She dusted her boots outside, on the doormat, removed her cloak and walked inside with said clothing folded and placed on her arm.
Augustus ran to her the moment she closed the door. Esther looked up, quite happy to see the elderly man. He didn't return her smile. He seemed worried.
"My Lady," he whispered moving closer to her. "There's someone here to see you. She has been here since the very moment you left. Has rudely announced that you must see her before she leaves. She says it is urgent. I know not this woman, but she reeks of liquor. Some cheap maiden, mayhap."
Esther stared at Augustus in confusion. The old man shrugged and gestured to her cloak. She hesitated before finally handing it over to him.
"She's in the salon, with Lady Kendal. She has still refused to speak. She only wants to speak to you."
With Augustus's words, she made her way to the salon. She pushed the door open and walked in.
"Pray tell dear, will you not have tea while you await the Lady Esther?" her mother was saying when she walked in.
Esther's gaze shifted from her mother to the woman opposite her. Her simple dress was certainly not from fine silk. She smelled of liquor, her red hair packed up in a messy bun, her eyes circled beneath and her lips in a permanent scowl. She looked familiar, but Esther couldn't quite place her hands on where she knew her from.
"And the lady has arrived," the redhead said rudely.
"Esther, darling." Her mother rose to kiss her cheeks and hug her.
Esther c
omplied. "Excuse us a moment, mother."
"Have you gone mad?" Lady Kendal whispered. "We know not her purpose of coming here. Has she come to harm you?"
"Mother —"
"Until we are certain of who she is, I will not let you be alone with her," Lady Kendal insisted. Her lips were placed in a straight line, and her brows ridged with worry. Esther liked that her mother always worried for her at even minor issues.
"I will be fine, mother. Just have Augustus stand outside of the salon. If we are not done here sooner than you expect, then you may walk in. But she wants to see me alone," Esther tried again. "Please, Mother."