Daughter of Mine

by Fiona Lowe

  ‘I had no idea you’d wanted to go to university.’

  ‘No, well, you wouldn’t. For reasons you now understand, I never talked very much about my life before I met your father. Your grandfather was surprised I wanted to go too. Back then, there’d only been two women in the Mannering extended family to attend university and my father considered both of them to be radical troublemakers. As a politician, he wasn’t going to allow any member of the family to rock the foundations of his carefully constructed life. He only agreed to it because he thought there was a good chance I’d meet an eligible husband. After all,’ she said wryly, ‘as a Mannering, I couldn’t just marry anyone.’

  Edwina stared down into her wine glass, her brow furrowed in thought. ‘Not even Rosie knew I’d met Doug, let alone fallen in love with him. We had a plan and it didn’t involve getting pregnant until about four or five years later. While he was doing his national service, I’d go to university. When I was twenty-one and no longer needed my parents’ permission, we’d marry.’ She glanced up, sadness clear in her familiar blue eyes. ‘As you know, it didn’t turn out that way.’

  Wordlessly, Harriet pushed the chocolate back toward her mother. Edwina reached out and covered her hand with her own. ‘The last thing I ever wanted was a child of mine growing up under the crushing mantle of being a Mannering. Putting family ahead of personal happiness is a huge burden to carry. But I lost control of my life for a long time and when I married Richard, I found myself living a life scarily similar to my mother’s. I let Richard wrap us up in the same hypocrisies and take you along in the slipstream.

  ‘I’m sorry your father and I led by false example. I’m more sorry than you can ever know that I allowed you to grow up believing the Mannering rhetoric that privilege, power and perfection brings happiness. That there’s no room for mistakes and if you make any they’re hidden, ignored or made to go away. I was forced to give up a child for respectability. I paid a high price for secrets and lies and I’m paying it still.’

  A jet of toxic green jealousy flooded Harriet. ‘The lost years of Michelle,’ she muttered, snatching back the chocolate.

  ‘Not only Michelle,’ Edwina said softly, putting her hand back on Harriet’s. ‘I ache for the lost years with you. Somehow, whether it was experience, medication or a combination of the two, I managed things better with Xara and Georgie. But my depression after your birth created a distance between us that, to this day, I’ve never managed to close.’

  The heartfelt words hovered over Harriet, making her feel hot, cold and uncomfortable all at the same time. A kernel of guilt rolled through her at her not infrequent and barely leashed intolerance toward her mother. As much as she didn’t want to believe Edwina’s story, there was too much truth in it for her to just slough off her father’s behaviour and bury it under the carpet.

  Oh, Dad. She missed him every day. He’d been her mentor and her cheerleader but he’d also been a man of staunch opinions and a true believer in his own skills. How could he have been so supportive of his daughter and not of his wife? More than anything, Harriet wished she could ask him why he’d treated Edwina the way he had. She burned to point out the hypocrisy of his life with Patrice and Oscar when he’d punished Edwina for having a child before she’d even met him. Surely he’d had some regrets about the entire messy situation?

  She raised her head and sought her mother’s gaze. ‘I never thought I’d say this, but after what you’ve told me today, I think I let Dad keep that distance open.’

  Edwina blinked rapidly and blew her nose before standing up. ‘Cup of tea?’

  ‘When there’s still wine in the bottle and chocolate on the block?’ She refilled their glasses. ‘Edwina, why are you telling me this now? I mean, you could have told us about Patrice and Oscar after Dad’s funeral. At that point you scarcely owed him loyalty.’

  ‘I was protecting you and your sisters from the pain of a lifetime of lies.’

  Old anger burned under new pain. ‘And what? Today you decided you didn’t want to protect us anymore?’

  ‘Harriet, I’m your mother. Until my last breath, I’ll always do my best to protect you.’ A lifetime of regret was evident in the lines around her eyes. ‘Granted, until now, sometimes my best has been misguided or not up to par. But if I let you go to Sydney labouring under the secrets and lies of your ancestors, I’d be letting you down. All your life you’ve aspired to be as successful and as perfect as the Mannerings who preceded you, only they were riddled with flaws. They valued respectability and feared the judgement of others over individual happiness. They used money and power to force family members to toe their hypocritical line. It’s left a path of destruction in its wake and I want it to stop. I want it to stop right now.’

  The wine was making Harriet a little woozy. ‘That sounds very admirable, Edwina, but unless you have a time machine, I don’t see how you can stop anything.’

  ‘I’m talking about the here and now. I know it’s been a tough year for you on many fronts. I know James stole more than money from you. That the town’s judged you far more harshly than you deserve and that Charlie’s decision has disappointed you. But you’re strong, Harriet. You’ve survived far more than just malicious gossip.’

  Harriet ate more chocolate. ‘I’ve lost my house and my private practice barely covers the costs of running the rooms. If that’s survival, it totally sucks.’

  ‘They’re possessions, Harry. I’m talking about people. The values of the past forced me to lose a child and that’s affected my life and yours. Don’t let those values steal Charlie from you. If you do, it’s a heartache that will stay with you forever.’

  Harriet thought about her daughter who right this minute was in hospital with her baby. The usual zip of pain and disappointment caught her under the ribs. ‘I had such high hopes for Charlotte. She had everything going for her. She’s bright, beautiful, smart and when she got pregnant she—’ ruined all my plans for her.

  The wine and chocolate burned in her throat like firewater. For the first time she actually heard herself—heard the words—and they weren’t pretty. She’d always justified to herself that pushing Charlotte to win, to achieve high academic marks and insisting she study medicine was because she wanted the best for her. But now she could see it was all about her need to create a perfect life.

  Surround yourself with perfection, Harry and everything else follows.

  Oh Dad. In her own lifelong strive for perfection she’d taken Charlotte along with her. And James? No, she hadn’t taken James with her. Despite what he’d said, she knew deep in her heart that he’d been more than a willing partner. He joined her on the ride, placing a higher value on power and perfection than on morals.

  Xara’s voice came back to her. I know it’s breaking your heart that Charlie’s pregnant but life isn’t perfect.

  She winced as she remembered how she’d tried to draw a comparison between Xara’s situation with Tasha and her own situation with Charlotte. How could she have done that when her daughter was able bodied, intelligent and determined? Even when Harriet had refused to support Charlotte, she hadn’t wavered in her decision to keep the baby. She’d continued her VCE despite being pregnant even though it involved changing schools. Xara had told Harriet that Charlotte had found the change tough. At the time, Harriet had muttered something like, ‘Nothing like reality to drive home our choices.’ God help her. She had been such a selfish cow, punishing Charlotte for choosing her own path. She’d hidden behind her belief she was being a loving mother who wanted the best for her child, but her love had come with conditions.

  She rubbed her sternum. Her father had imposed conditions on Edwina to get what he wanted. Edwina’s father had imposed conditions on her for the same reason and now Harriet was guilty of doing exactly that to Charlotte. She could no longer hide behind her misguided belief that it was in Charlotte’s best interests to dole out tough love. She’d rejected all of Xara’s and Edwina’s suggestions to heal the rift and Sydney w
as part of that.

  She was running away. From Billawarre. From her messy family. From her daughter’s choices that made her ache with worry for her and from the grandchild who scared her more than she wanted to admit.

  ‘Mum?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘About that photo of Charlotte and her baby. May I see it, please?’ Her mother smiled. ‘Of course you can. It’s exactly why I took it.’

  CHAPTER

  34

  Harriet hesitated in the doorway of Charlotte’s hospital room. She had a screaming hangover from drinking far too much red wine with Edwina and then having lain awake most of the night, digesting everything she’d learned about her family. The foundations of her family life had been violently shaken and after she’d spoken with Charlotte, she and Edwina were going to see Xara. They’d called Georgie and she was driving to Billawarre tonight. Harriet was dubbing all the visits her ‘apology tour’.

  ‘May I come in?’

  Charlotte’s head turned sharply at her voice. Harriet saw surprise and anxiety cross her daughter’s face, stealing the happiness from it. She winced, accepting the blame.

  ‘Have you come to convince me to put Teddy up for adoption?’

  As recently as twelve hours ago that would have been exactly her purpose. ‘No.’

  ‘Did you come to see your grandson?’

  Harriet tried not to flinch at the word that made her feel unreasonably old. ‘I came to see you.’

  ‘Oh.’ Charlotte hesitated before indicating the visitor’s chair. ‘Please. Take a seat.’

  Charlotte sounded exactly like Harriet when she was bringing a patient into the consulting room. She’d used the exact tone as Edwina when she was greeting a stranger. Harriet didn’t know if she wanted to laugh or cry.

  ‘Thank you.’ Carrying the archive box she’d brought with her, she crossed the room, set the box down beside the chair and took a seat. ‘How are you?’ Given seven months of estrangement loomed large between them, the question sounded banal.

  ‘Labour hurts like a—It hurts.’

  ‘It does.’

  ‘But it’s so worth it.’ Charlotte’s hand hovered in the cot, caressing her baby’s downy head.

  Harriet remembered doing exactly the same thing. ‘It is.’

  ‘Do you want to hold him?’

  A ripple of anxiety rolled through her. ‘While he’s asleep and quiet, there’s something I need to talk to you about.’

  Charlotte’s shoulders immediately tensed. ‘Xara told me you’re going to Sydney.’

  ‘That’s been the plan, yes.’

  ‘When do you leave?’

  ‘Miligili settles in a fortnight.’

  Sadness filled Charlotte’s eyes. ‘It’s so weird knowing another family will be living there.’

  Harriet tapped the lid of the archive box with her foot. ‘I know you came and got everything you wanted but when I was packing, I found a box of your baby things. A blanket Georgie made you and the bear Xara and Steve gave you. You loved that bear so much …’

  Charlotte indicated a soft toy rabbit with floppy ears and a blue coat. ‘Xara gave Teddy that. Steve tried to take it back. He said no self-respecting farmer should be giving a baby a rabbit. He and the boys gave Teddy a footy.’

  ‘Steve’s got a point,’ Harriet said with a smile. ‘Although he would have objected just as much to a toy wombat.’

  ‘I guess.’ Charlotte glanced at the box. ‘Thanks for bringing my baby things.’

  ‘You’re welcome.’

  Strained silence filled the room broken only by the snuffling of the sleeping baby. Eventually Charlotte said, ‘I wasn’t sure I’d make it, but I sat all my exams.’

  ‘Well done.’

  Charlotte’s eyes narrowed and filled with determination. ‘I know it’s not going to be easy being a single mum but I’ve spent six months getting as prepared as I possibly can. I’ve got my driver’s licence and I did a barista course. I’ve been working at The Staff of Life café since June and I’m paying Doug back for the second-hand car he bought me.

  ‘I’m hoping to defer primary school teaching and start the course part time when Teddy’s one. I know I’ve got Mardi to help me, but most people who have a baby have some help from their family.’ Her voice had developed a steely edge that Harriet recognised as her own. ‘I’m not going to be the unskilled disaster or the drain on the public purse you predicted.’

  Ouch. Harriet accepted the hit. ‘I know.’

  Charlotte blinked as if she’d just been startled. ‘How?’

  ‘Because you come from a long line of strong and determined women.’ She laced her fingers on her lap. ‘Charlotte, your pregnancy threw me. No mother puts up their hand and says, “Pick my daughter to be the teenage mother.”’

  ‘I didn’t plan it either, Mum.’

  ‘No.’ She blew out a breath and inclined her head toward the cot. ‘How does he make you feel?’

  ‘Like my heart’s going to burst.’

  Harriet nodded. ‘And that feeling only gets stronger.’

  ‘That’s hard to imagine.’

  ‘I know but that’s what happens. You discover you’ll scale mountains and fight lions if that’s what it takes to protect your child.’ She felt herself leaning forward as if pulled by an invisible string. ‘All I ever wanted was the best for you. It’s what every mother wants for her child. I started out with the best of intentions but somewhere along the way I imposed upon you a big dose of Mannering and Chirnwell tradition. The last few years, irrespective of what you wanted, I added in the same hopes and dreams I had for myself when I was your age.

  ‘The thing is, for many years, your father and I were very influential and I’ve been used to getting my own way. Your pregnancy wasn’t part of my plan for you so I did what I’ve always done when things don’t go my way—I tried to change it. I demanded, I cajoled, I pushed and I threatened to get you to comply.

  ‘Your aunts and your grandmother told me what I was doing was wrong. I refused point blank to acknowledge that. I totally disagreed with them when they said I was putting unreasonable demands on you. I was your mother. I knew best. I was saving you from yourself.’ She looked straight into her daughter’s beautiful face. ‘I’ve only recently realised how ugly and obnoxious I’ve been. I was wrong. I’m sorry.’

  Charlotte’s mouth fell open. ‘You’re apologising?’

  Harriet tried to laugh at Charlotte’s disbelieving voice but the sound came out as a strangled moan. ‘It’s hard to believe, I know. But yes. I’m very sorry for putting you in an impossible position.’

  ‘Th-thank you.’ Charlotte’s gaze moved to her sleeping son. ‘What made you change your mind? Is it because Teddy’s here? Now you want to be a grandmother?’

  ‘God, no.’ The words rushed out before she could censure them. She hastily tried to explain as Charlotte’s face fell. ‘If I’m honest, Charlotte, the idea of being a grandmother scares me to death. I’m not a natural with children, you know that. Generally I prefer them once they can walk and talk.’

  ‘He’ll do that eventually,’ Charlotte said. ‘If you like, I can let you know when it happens. You can fly down from Sydney.’

  ‘That would be great but I won’t have to travel quite that far. I don’t have a new address yet but when I do, it will be in Billawarre.’

  ‘You’re staying? Wow, you are full of surprises today, Mum,’ Charlotte said matter-of-factly but her smile warmed the words.

  ‘And your grandmother was full of surprises yesterday. It’s a long story, and I’ll tell you all about it another day, but she finally got through to me that if I go to Sydney, I have no chance of being part of your life. I’d lose you and I couldn’t bear that. Here, I can share the parts of your life you’re happy to share with me. I realise it’s going to take a while for you to forgive me but—’

  ‘Oh, Mum.’ Charlotte closed the gap between them, throwing her arms around Harriet’s neck as tears streamed down her face. �
��I’ve missed you so much.’

  Harriet hugged her back just as hard, letting her own tears fall. ‘I missed you more,’ she managed to choke out before realising she’d just quoted one of Charlotte’s favourite childhood stories.

  Charlotte made an inarticulate sound and then gave a violent sniff. ‘It’s been really hard without you. At first I couldn’t believe you’d cut me out of your life and I kept expecting you to change your mind. I mean, all my life you made me feel special and loved. Suddenly, Dad screwed over the town and you refused to talk to me. I felt so bad at disappointing you but at the same time, I felt as if I didn’t matter to you anymore.’

  Harriet’s heart quivered as though a blunt knife had just stabbed it multiple times. She’d inflicted a great deal of pain on the person she loved most in the world and for what? Pride? Conceit? For the false reputation of a family imbued with devastating secrets? ‘I’m so very sorry.’

  Charlotte reached for a tissue and blew her nose. ‘I really wanted to hate you, Mum. I tried to. My part-time job, getting my licence, going to school … all of it was to prove you wrong. Prove to myself that you were wrong about me. It was Mardi who kept saying, “Give her time. She loves you.” I found it hard to believe her.’

  Harriet had caused her daughter untold grief but a balm of relief was finally beginning to assuage the agony. Charlotte was open to forgiving her and she needed to build the bridge and cross to the other side to meet her. ‘I didn’t make it easy for you.’ Her thoughts strayed to Edwina and her sisters. ‘I don’t think I’ve made it particularly easy for anyone to love me this year.’

  Charlotte sat back on the bed. ‘It’s been a pretty hard year for all of us. Dad too.’

  Harriet’s forgiveness only went so far. ‘Your father’s in jail because he chose to steal money.’

  ‘I know,’ Charlotte said quietly, her fingers picking at a stray cotton on the bedspread. ‘In January, I thought I was pretty mature but it’s everything that’s happened since then that’s made me grow up fast. You were partly right when you called me a princess. I was scared to tell you I was pregnant but I thought you’d yell for a bit and then calm down and things would go back to normal. Well, as normal as they could be without Dad at Miligili. I assumed you’d pay for everything like you’ve always done and look after me and the baby.’ She raised her head, her tear-stained cheeks full of apology. ‘I was wrong to expect all of that.’