Dirty Hope

by P. Jameson

  Sally shrugged. “All right, suit yourself.”

  She and the others gathered around the jukebox to set up their song choices and judging from history, the whole place would be quite happy with Sally’s choices.

  Barb glanced at the door. Still no Adam, but she wasn’t alone.

  Serafina rubbed her growing baby bump as she stared longingly at the kitchen. Barb knew she had been craving vanilla milkshakes because they were the only thing she didn’t want to throw up. Poor thing.

  Hot Rod sat beside her, and was usually a very attentive mate. But tonight, he was distracted too.

  The three of them were silent while the bar around them came to life, and Barb wasn’t even bothered to feel awkward. If Rod was quiet, then she could be too, because that man was never at a loss for words. And by now, it almost felt like a game. Who would speak first? Would it be Seraphina when she ordered her milkshake? Nevermind, count her out because she wasn’t known for being loud anyway. This imaginary battle was between Barb and Rod.

  Tick-tock, mister radioman.

  Eventually, Annie brought Serafina a milkshake on her own.

  “So… what’s got your fur ruffled?” Rod asked Barb as Sera went to town on the shake.

  Ha! She won. So what, that he didn’t even know they were competing. Her vixen did a happy dance.

  “Oh, you know,” she drawled, “Just grumpy men and annoying foxes. The norm around these parts.”

  “By grumpy men, you mean Adam?”

  “Well, there are lots of grumpy men in Cedar Valley,” Barb mused. She caught Rocco glaring as he scanned the bar like a predator, and Jett’s twin glare as he watched her from the corner of the room. They were the worst of both worlds. Grumpy and foxes. “But he’s the only one I actually care about.”

  Rod smirked. “You do care about him, huh?”

  “Isn’t it obvious?” Seraphina winked.

  “Pretty darn,” Rod agreed. He looked around the bar as if to make sure no one could hear his next words. “He has panic attacks you know.”

  Barb frowned. “What?”

  “He’s got that hardass shit going on, but there’s a reason for it. He’d have my nuts for telling you this, especially you, but…” Especially her? “… he worries a lot, and being hard is his gut reaction to everything that scares him.”

  Seraphina nodded. “To create a barrier.”

  “It’s how he deals with things,” Rod added.

  Seraphina slurped her shake. “It’s a man thing.”

  “I mean…” Rod shrugged. “Yeah.”

  Barb wasn’t afraid of hard work, and she’d known from the beginning Adam wouldn’t be an easy nut to crack. “He can be real sweet when he chooses,” she said, a smile curving her lips. “And funny too. But then sometimes all that gets lost and I can’t tell what he really wants.”

  “It’s the panic attacks,” Rod concluded. “Them fuckers can get bad. He came into the booth tonight after your run. He couldn’t breathe. Aaron had to talk him down.”

  Shit. Barb’s vixen went on alert. Mate needed us. This explained the uneasy shaking and struggling to breathe. When Adam walked away, she thought he was angry when really, it was something he had much less control over. She swallowed the lump in her throat. “I had no idea.”

  “‘Course not. He doesn’t want anyone to know. I only found out because I witnessed it after he almost ruined things between Rider and Sally. I suspect he’s been struggling with this ever since losing Karly and just never said anything.”

  Barb’s heart clinched. If she knew anything about him, she knew he didn’t like feeling out of control. He would have kept this from everyone, thinking he could get a handle on it by himself. The man tried to be an island, but it was impossible. No one lived in a vacuum. He had friends and a daughter and an entire pack of shifters who cared about him.

  If only he would let someone in.

  Her. If he’d let her in, she wouldn’t let him go through shit alone.

  To make matters worse, she was pretty sure they were already growing a mating bond. In the shop, she could feel his frustration and sadness like it was her own. It lit her chest up hotter than fire. It made her want to soothe him, soothe herself.

  What would Adam think if he knew they were already so inextricably linked. How would he feel if he knew she could never turn away from him, never leave him? Would he be appalled to realize that she needed him like her next breath?

  “He’s not alone,” Rod said quietly. “But he pretends he is so that he never has to feel like he did losing Karly. You understand?”

  “Then it’s my job to make sure he never forgets it. He’s mine.” Barb had never said it out loud before.

  She glanced at Serafina. Her friend's eyes were sad and glistening with unshed tears. Serafina was always more sensitive than the others but pregnancy had made her even more so. Barb was thankful for her friend's soft heart and thankful that she’d found a mate to take good care of it.

  She wanted to do the same for Adam. She wanted to be the one he confided in, the one he could feel at home with, the one to love him back to normal.

  But this was a two way street. She could wish and hope to help him until her blond turned gray, but first he was going to have to let her. Good thing she was a pro at getting what she wanted.

  She wanted him. He wanted her too.

  She just had to make him see that loving again was worth the risk.

  Challenge fucking accepted.

  Chapter Eight

  Adam took a deep breath of the night air as he stepped out of his truck to cross the parking lot to Red Cap. Megan was settled at Gracie's house and now the rest of the night, he was free to do whatever he wanted.

  He only needed to figure out what that was.

  Seeing Barb fly through the air doing impossible things with her motorbike and somehow landing safely on the ground had sent his anxiety soaring to new levels. He hadn’t had a full-blown panic attack in a few months, but today’s was so extreme, he wondered if it could kill him.

  It was strange how the rational brain could be so irrational. How it can concoct scenarios that might not ever happen and make you believe they could. That they would. This was his biggest struggle. And now Barb was smack in the middle of it even if she didn’t want to be. Because he fucking cared and there was no way to stop it. She had dug into his heart like a shard of glass, painful because she wouldn’t let him become numb. She made him feel. She made him feel a lot of things he hadn’t wanted to feel since Karly.

  Stepping into Red Cap, he didn’t look for her right away. Instead, he went to the bar and ordered his drink, avoiding everyone, including his friends. He knew they were around, but after losing his shit in the sound booth at the track, he didn’t want to face them.

  They tried to help. Tried to be there for him like a buddy should be. But the truth was, none of them knew what he was feeling. None of them could fully understand it, and honestly, he didn’t want them to.

  Adam took a hard swig of his beer before he turned to get the lay of the room. The first thing he saw was Sally dancing obscenely next to the juke box. Rider was nearby, watching like a hawk while she had her fun. They really were happy together. It was good to see.

  But Adam’s eyes didn’t stop there. They didn’t even pause until he spotted Barb in the corner talking to one of the fox hounds from her old Skulk. Jett was his name. Dumbass name, Jett. What kind of fucking name was Jett anyway? It might as well spell out d-o-u-c-h-e-t-a-c-o.

  And the other one was Rocco. Douche-taco Rocco was playing pool with the mated one. Maxim—also a dumbass name—was their leader and he mated a human, which neither of them approved of. Classic.

  He’d kicked their asses once already, in what Rod liked to call the Most Epic Bar Fight in Cedar Valley History. If either douche-taco touched Barb tonight, he might just do it again.

  “You know…” He didn’t realize Aaron slid onto the stool beside him until his voice interrupted the jealous inner r
ant. “They’re part of the pack now.”

  Adam turned to find his friend eyeing the ones at the pool table. “No way. Drake is letting them stick around?”

  Aaron nodded. “They claim they want what Maxim found. A healthy mating.”

  “Do you think it’s possible for them to change?”

  Aaron had accompanied the three foxes to Colorado to confront their skulk about their heinous mating habits after Maxim found love here in Cedar Valley. Aaron would know whether they meant it or not.

  He narrowed his gaze at the pool game. “I think so. I think if they want it bad enough, anything is possible. I mean, damn. The whole messy lot of us have proven that, have we not?”

  Adam didn’t answer. He didn’t want to believe that either one of those assholes could be good for Barb.

  Aaron turned back to the bar, lifting his tall boy for a swig before quietly asking, “How you holding up?”

  “Better, I guess.” Adam fiddled with the rim of his bottle, trying to seem unaffected by all the shit swirling around inside him. The foxes might be douche-tacos but he was an emotional porta-potty.

  Aaron wasn’t buying it. “You seeing a doc for that shit that happened today?”

  “I am.” He wasn’t stupid. He needed to be around for Megan, and leaving it untreated wasn’t the way to have more time with her.

  “Good.” Aaron eyed him. “You know, I’m shit at talking… unless I’m shit-talking, but I’m not too bad at listening. So if you ever need to talk—”

  “Cut it out, man. I’m fine.”

  “You’re not.” Aaron’s glance cut to him hard before it shifted to Barb. “But maybe you will be soon.”

  Adam stood. This conversation was over.

  “You bonding yet?” Aaron asked, and it was just the thing to make Adam pause.

  “Isn’t that a bit of a personal question?”

  Aaron raised an eyebrow. “You don’t have to fuck to bond, idiot. And if you have fucked, I most definitely don’t want to know about it.”

  Oh.

  “In that case, how the hell would I know.” The bond was an unusual connection between mated pairs. He’d heard a lot about it from his friends as they each mated vixens and developed what they described as a soul connection that had the power to break a man and build him back up. Adam always assumed ‘soul’ was the equivalent of ‘dick’. As if it was some kind of code for my woman rocks at sex.

  “Do you feel her on a deeper level?”

  That was so vague. What did deeper level mean?

  “Shit.” Aaron shook his head. “Do you… can you feel her in your…” He pounded his fist to his sternum, but couldn’t find the word to describe what he meant. “Do you need her?”

  “Need her?”

  “Yes, does your chest ache when she’s not near? Are you scared shitless to lose her?” Aaron pressed.

  Yes, but wasn’t that just his anxiety fucking with him? His overprotectiveness.

  “Can you feel what she’s feeling when you’re in the same room?”

  Like he did when they were in the DTD shop.

  “Do you want to make her better, make her life easier, even if it kills you?”

  Adam frowned, looking over at Barb and Jett. Would the asshole hound be better for her in the end? Better than an anxiety riddled, single father widower, who couldn’t let go of the past long enough to even breathe a hint of new life. Of moving on. Of living again.

  Shit.

  Barb’s eyes locked onto his from across the room, and she smiled. It was that small smile, private. The one he’d only seen her use with him. Yet the pretty little thing was wasted.

  He turned back to Aaron. “No. No, I’m not feeling any of that.”

  His friend’s shoulders slumped as if he was disappointed.

  “Sorry, I’m not like the rest of you. No mystical bond to fix the mess that is me. You’ll just have to deal with it.”

  “Would it interest you to know that with the mating bond, you can heal most injuries?”

  “Heal? Like… if she was hurt racing, she could be fixed?”

  “Yeah.” Aaron took another drag of his beer. “Right. You’re sooo different. What was I thinking?” He snorted a hard laugh and Adam opened his mouth to tell him to fuck off.

  “Hey.” Barb’s voice stopped the words in his throat as he twisted to find her standing close enough to touch. His fingers itched to feel her skin again. Kiss those lips again. Gentler this time so he could know their softness.

  Adam cleared his throat. “Hey.”

  “Oh, look. Lex is done dancing,” Aaron said. “I should probably get back over there before she notices I’m missing.”

  When he was gone, Barb took his place on the stool. “I wasn’t sure if you’d show up,” she said carefully. “You were awfully upset at the track.”

  Adam kept his eyes trained on the pool table where Jett had joined the other two hounds, and tried to keep his voice neutral. “You attempted a difficult trick that you’d never practiced before. Makes sense I was upset.”

  “I have practiced it. Just never pulled it off. And to be fair, I didn’t attempt the trick. I performed the trick. Landed it, just as intended.” She sounded pretty damn proud of that fact too.

  He stared hard at Jett. If Barb could bond properly with one of them, she’d be one step closer to indestructible. But the thought of her with anyone else made his gut burn with fury.

  “Adam, it was fine. Nothing happened.”

  “You’re reckless,” he snarled.

  “You’re unreasonable.”

  His gaze snapped to her. “You want to die? Is that it?”

  Her eyebrows flew up and her mouth came open but there was no sound.

  “Fine. Count me out. Been there, done that. Don’t plan on enduring it again. Shit.”

  “Adam…”

  He couldn’t be here right now. He wasn’t okay. He was going to hurt someone, and chances were, it would be her, with his goddamned words.

  He laid some cash on the bar to cover his drink and started for the door.

  “Oh, no you don’t.” Barb snapped into action, following hot on his heels. “You don’t get to walk away from me. Not after kissing me and… and… other stuff.” She grabbed his shirt, stopping him just outside the door. He turned to face her, warning her with his glare to back down. But she didn’t. “You don’t get to be assey now, after how far we’ve come,” she said.

  Assey. Of all the silly words she’d come up with since he’d known her, that one was his favorite. Why? Because he’d inspired it.

  By being the exact way he was being to her now.

  Assey.

  He sighed, turning his face to the stars as if they could help him. “Damn it, woman.”

  He took her hand, pulling her around the corner of the building where it was dark. At least here, they were alone.

  “What are you mad at me for?” she hissed. “Because I did what I always do? I raced my bike. I did a cool trick. Did it well. Why can’t you just… just accept me?”

  She thought this was about her not being good enough? Shit, it was the exact fucking opposite.

  “I’m not mad at you,” he huffed. “Fuck… it’s not you.”

  “I don’t understand.”

  Breathe. Like Dr. Tracey taught you.

  “You’re not the problem. It’s me.” Breathe, breathe. But every breath flooded his senses with her sweet perfume. Was it even perfume, or was it just her? “I shouldn’t have said what I said.”

  “Then stay. Let’s go back inside.” She stepped closer and he found himself wanting to back her against the brick wall just to invade her space. The way she’d invaded his heart.

  He braced one fist against the wall. “Not a good idea.”

  Her eyes felt like they were digging into his soul. “We can go together.”

  Together. She made it sound so easy. But if it was easy, why did his chest ache so bad at the thought?

  “Adam…” Her voice was soft.
Almost small. It rolled along his skin, flaring along his nerves until his throat burned with desire. “Tell me what’s wrong.”

  Yearning, fury, frustration, hopelessness. He could pick one, but she still wouldn’t understand.

  “I can’t.”

  “Why?”

  How could he, when he could barely keep his head above water? He was fucking drowning in feelings for her that he couldn’t control. That he both did and didn’t want.

  “Because it’s…”

  “Uncomfortable?”

  He blew out a breath. Uncomfortable. It was the word he’d used last night when he couldn’t make sense of what kissing her had done to him.

  “Yes.”

  Barb was silent for a long moment. “Okay.”

  Relief and disappointment mixed to form a mysterious concoction inside him. Was she giving up? Had he pushed her away enough?

  Barb puffed out her cheeks and blew air through her lips like she was counting to ten. “Are you sure you want to leave though?” she asked.

  “I need to. Look at me. If I go back inside, I’ll end up fist to face with a fox or two.”

  She froze as realization bled into her features. “Rocco and Jett?”

  Shit, he’d said too much. Clamping his mouth shut he stared down at her. He could see her working to put the pieces together. His anger at the track, the raw jealousy when he saw her with Jett, the outburst over putting herself in danger.

  He cared for her too much.

  And now she knew it.

  “You don’t like them,” she said. “The hounds make you angry.”

  “I’m sure they’re fine.” It didn’t matter, they could go choke on a dick.

  “But you want to hurt them. Why?”

  Because they were too close to her… and she was… his. Shit, the thought bled through him like a brand new wound. Barb was his. Nothing good could come of it, but it was true anyway.

  Her expression softened as if she could read his mind. “You can tell me the truth,” she said gently. “I won’t judge you. I won’t hold it against you or make you regret it. Just say it. Messy as it is, lay it out, so we can deal with it. Together. Because right now, it’s like poison eating away at you.” She brushed her hand softly to the center of his chest, right where the mysterious bond would be, he realized. “It has to stop.”