The Mother's Secret

by Clare Swatman

  ‘So.’

  The one word rings out through the room and Georgie looks up, startled, as though she’s forgotten why she’s there. Kate is still looking at her, her expression unreadable. Georgie can’t bring herself to say anything, the words not wanting to form on her tongue. Kate’s the one who speaks next.

  ‘Are you going to tell me what’s happened or are you going to make me guess? Is it Matt?’ She stops for a moment, then gasps. ‘Something hasn’t happened to Clem, has it? Is she OK?’

  ‘She’s fine.’ The words come out louder than Georgie had expected them to and she makes herself jump. She shakes her head, trying to clear it.

  ‘Sorry. I’m—’ She stops, takes a deep breath. ‘I need to talk to you. About Mum.’

  ‘Mum?’ Kate sounds surprised, as well she might. After all, it’s Kate who sees their mother more; it’s Kate who’s been trying to find out what’s wrong with Jan for the last few weeks, taking her backwards and forwards to her GP appointments; who’s been worrying herself senseless about her mother’s failing memory. And they’d only talked about it a few days ago. What could Georgie possibly have to say that Kate doesn’t already know? Of course it isn’t what she was expecting Georgie to say.

  Georgie nods slowly, trying to work out where to start. In the end, she takes the folder of newspaper cuttings out of her bag and carefully unfolds them, spreading them out on the worktop. Kate’s still standing in the doorway watching her, but when Georgie pushes a piece of paper silently towards her, she walks into the room and picks it up.

  She glances at it, then looks at Georgie and back at the newspaper cutting. She reads a bit more then puts it back down on the worktop.

  ‘Georgie, why have you given me this?’

  ‘Read it properly.’ Georgie doesn’t want to have to explain, to have to say the words out loud to her sister. She wants her to work it out for herself, the same way she had to, even though she knows that she’s being unfair. Kate doesn’t even know about the things she found in the loft yet.

  Or didn’t find.

  This time Kate leaves the paper on the table and leans over to read it, as though touching it might burn her skin. When she gets to the end of the story, her face is white. She looks at Georgie, waiting for her to say something.

  ‘It’s me. Do you see?’ Georgie didn’t mean to blurt it out, but it’s out there now. Maybe it’s better this way than beating around the bush, anyway.

  ‘What? What are you talking about?’ Her voice is sharp.

  Georgie nods her head at the worktop. ‘The girl. It’s me.’ Her voice is trembling but she doesn’t care.

  Kate’s staring at her, her face a deepening shade of red.

  ‘If this is a joke then it’s not very bloody funny, Georgie.’ Kate spits the words out so angrily that, for the first time in her life, Georgie feels slightly scared of her big sister.

  ‘It’s not a joke, Kate.’ She stabs the newspaper cutting with her finger. ‘It’s me. The baby. Mum took me.’

  ‘But—’ Kate stops, rubs her neck and looks up. Her movements are stiff, as though the anger has taken over her body. ‘Don’t be so bloody ridiculous. What the hell are you talking about?’

  Georgie has never seen Kate so furious, and she sits down before she falls.

  ‘I – I don’t really know where to start.’

  ‘Well, you’d bloody better start somewhere. Come on, what’s going on?’ Her words are clipped, staccato, and Georgie fears she’s going to lose her rag.

  ‘OK. So, when I went into Mum’s loft, I – well, I found your birth certificate and a hospital wristband. Yours. Not mine.’

  Kate nods stiffly, waiting.

  ‘Well, I was worried. Confused, I mean. It didn’t make any sense. And something – well, something told me that there was more to it, Kate. That Mum hadn’t just lost them but that – well, that there was more.’

  Kate’s neat nails drum on the worktop, her eyebrows raised.

  ‘More?’ The word is dripping with barely contained contempt.

  Georgie nods weakly. She’d come in here so sure of what she was going to say, but Kate’s reaction is beginning to make her lose her nerve.

  ‘What, so because Mum doesn’t have your birth certificate to hand, you automatically assume that this – this snatched baby – that it’s you? That Mum did this? What sort of person would jump to that conclusion? Have you gone completely mad?’

  The words hit Georgie in the stomach like bullets, making her feel sick. She’d known, really, that Kate would be like this. Why wouldn’t she? She does sound mad. But she has to make Kate understand, make her believe that what she’s telling her is true, because she simply can’t get through something this tough without her.

  ‘Listen, Kate. I know this sounds like I’ve lost it, but I promise you I haven’t. I need you to listen to me. And while you’re listening, think about all the things Mum’s done to stop me from ever needing my birth certificate – scaring me about flying so I wouldn’t go abroad, so I wouldn’t need my birth certificate to get a passport; using emotional blackmail to make me stay behind when you went off travelling the world, telling me I didn’t need to go anywhere else, that she needed me here—’

  ‘Hey, hang on a minute—’

  ‘No, Kate, it’s true. You weren’t there. She was so lost, so lonely when you left, and I was there. I never felt I could leave her after that, I felt as though I had to be there to protect her. Not to mention all her recent ramblings about some woman, and how she mustn’t find out. Perhaps the illness is releasing something that’s been locked away in her mind for years? And there’s more: I went to the library to get a copy of my birth certificate. But it wasn’t there, Kate.’

  ‘What wasn’t there?’

  ‘My birth certificate. I wasn’t born at that hospital on that day. There was nobody registered with my name.’

  Georgie lets the words hang in the air a moment, waiting for them to settle. She watches her sister’s face.

  ‘But—’ Kate stops, her eyes flicking wildly round the room. ‘But that could have just been an admin error. Of course you were born that day. Why would Mum have lied?’

  Georgie points to the cuttings again.

  ‘This could be a reason, Kate.’ Her voice is gentle this time. She wants her sister to understand, but she doesn’t want to hurt her any more than she needs to. She watches as Kate scans the story again, takes in the details: the time, the date, the location, the same way Georgie has done countless times since she found it, trying to find a reason why it couldn’t be her, trying desperately to find something she’d overlooked. But there’s nothing written in those black-and-white paragraphs that might exonerate their mother.

  Then Kate looks up at Georgie, her eyes searching her face desperately.

  ‘But this could be anyone, George.’ Her eyes glance down at the paper and back to her sister.

  ‘It could be. But you see it, don’t you?’

  Kate’s whole body seems to slump then, as though she’s given up the fight. ‘But you can’t be sure this is you. That it’s about Mum. There’s just no way she could do this. I mean, it’s Mum. It’s ridiculous.’ Her voice has less conviction now, though, and Georgie knows she’s starting to doubt herself, to believe what she’s read.

  ‘What else could it mean, though, Katie?’

  Kate shrugs. ‘Anything. It could mean anything. There are all sorts of explanations for this, things we can’t even imagine. You can’t go round assuming Mum took a baby, Georgie. I mean, listen to what you’re actually saying. She would never do anything like that.’

  Georgie nods. ‘I know. I’d have said the same a few days ago too.’

  Kate sits unsteadily on the stool opposite her sister, rests her elbows on the worktop and puts her head in her hands.

  ‘Oh God.’ Her voice is a whisper, muffled behind the sleeve of her jumper. ‘I can’t believe this. I just can’t believe this can happen.’

  Georgie longs to go to
her, to wrap her arms round her and tell her everything’s going to be OK. But how can she, when she doesn’t think for one minute that it is? So she sits perfectly still, and waits for Kate to speak.

  Finally, Kate lifts her head and looks Georgie in the eye. ‘You haven’t said anything to Mum about this, have you?’

  ‘No. I only found all this out yesterday.’

  ‘Thank God. She can’t cope with this kind of shock at the moment, not in her state.’

  ‘But I will have to speak to her, Kate. I can’t pretend this hasn’t happened. I need answers, and she’s the only one who can give them to me.’

  ‘Don’t you dare.’ The words come out as a hiss and Georgie jumps. ‘The shock will make her much worse. She’s – she’s so fragile, Georgie, I don’t know what this will do to her.’

  ‘But I have to, Kate. Don’t you see? This explains so much. It explains our childhood, why Mum was overprotective. But more than anything, it explains me. I mean – look at me. Look at you. We look nothing like each other. We are nothing like each other. I love you, Kate, and I always will, but I really, really need to know the truth. I need to hear it from Mum’s mouth.’

  The colour drains from Kate’s face and her body starts to shake. ‘It doesn’t make any sense, Georgie. At all. None of this makes any sense. And if it is true, then that would mean – it would mean you wouldn’t be – ’ her voice cracks – ‘my sister any more.’

  Georgie’s thought about this already, and it breaks her heart. But now she gets up and walks towards her big sister and wraps her arms around her tightly, feeling the too-fast rhythm of Kate’s heart thumping against her own chest. She pulls away and looks at her, at the pain chiselled into the lines of her face.

  ‘Oh Kate, you’ll always be my sister. Always. Nothing can ever change that. But I can’t forget I’ve seen this, can I? I mean, I have to find out more, don’t I?’

  ‘I suppose so,’ she says, her voice flat. ‘But – ’ she pauses, pushes her hair behind her ear, and looks up at her sister – ‘Georgie, I can’t help you. With Mum, or – or if you decide you want to go looking for your real family later, then – well, I just can’t do it. I’m sorry.’

  Georgie nods, her lips pressed together. ‘I understand.’

  ‘Do you? Because it’s not that I don’t want to help you. I would. But I think you’re making a huge mistake. I understand why you would feel you need to find them but you don’t have a clue who these people are. It makes me feel sad just thinking about it and I can’t be part of it. I just can’t. And I can’t do that to Mum. Even if she has done you wrong. I’m sorry.’ She looks down at the worktop again and runs her fingers across the well-polished granite.

  Georgie picks up the clippings and puts them carefully back into her folder, her actions slow and deliberate. She feels heavy, as though her feet are made of lead.

  ‘I am going to talk to Mum, though, even if you can’t be there. Maybe Aunty Sandy could come, to cushion the blow, make sure she’s OK. I’m – I’m not sure I want to hear what she’s got to say anyway, but if I do find anything out, do you want to know?’

  Kate shakes her head. ‘No. I don’t think I do. Not yet.’

  Georgie nods, blinking back tears. ‘OK.’ She stands and hoists her bag onto her shoulder. ‘I’d better get going, then. I’ll see you soon.’

  Kate nods, staring at something in the distance. ‘See you soon, Georgie.’

  Georgie turns and leaves her sister’s kitchen and, for the first time in her life, she doesn’t know when – or if – she’ll be welcomed back. She feels further apart from her sister than she’s ever felt before, and it’s not a feeling she likes.

  But she has to find out who she really is, even if it means losing her mum and her sister.

  There’s no other choice.

  It was a strange little family tableau of sorts, Georgie supposed: her mother, Aunty Sandy, herself and Matt, all waiting patiently at the table for Kate to arrive and complete the line-up. The formidable five. Or something like that. She’d been wondering where Kate had got to for several minutes now. It was unlike her sister to be late for anything. In fact she was a stickler for punctuality, thought it the height of bad manners to be late. Unlike Georgie, who was always a little free and easy with timekeeping. With everything, really. And yet here she was, waiting for Kate.

  Georgie turned her fork over, tines down, onto the starched white tablecloth, and then flipped it back over again, then back, and back, until the cloth started to pull. Voices murmured in the background, but all very quietly, politely. It was a polite kind of restaurant, really, all hushed tones and gleaming hairdos. She shuffled in her seat uncomfortably, adjusted the bra strap that was digging into the soft skin on her shoulder. She was feeling impatient. She had something important to say – they had something important to say, her and Matt – and she just wanted to say it and be done with it. And yet they were still waiting for Kate and she couldn’t say it without Kate here. She sighed dramatically and her mother’s head snapped up, the line between her eyebrows carved deeper than ever.

  ‘You all right, darling?’

  Georgie nodded. ‘Fine. Hungry.’ She smiled and Matt clutched her hand under the table and gave it a squeeze. She was fine. Just a little impatient.

  A commotion at the front door made her turn her head, and she saw Kate shrugging her coat off her shoulders and handing it to the waiter. She looked different. It was her smile that Georgie noticed first; dark-red lipstick stained her mouth, something she rarely saw her sister wear. She looked radiant, Georgie thought, as she started to walk across the room towards them. Her skin glowed and her hair was tousled and she was grinning happily. Georgie glanced at her mother, who was watching her elder daughter’s approach with a serious expression on her face. Neither of them could have been sure at what point they realized that the man behind Kate was walking with her, as opposed to following her on his way to the loo. But it happened, and then it was clear: the look on Kate’s face, the smile, the lateness. Kate was in love.

  She got to the table and looked at everyone sheepishly, the man stopping abruptly behind her.

  ‘Hello, everyone, sorry I’m late.’ She turned her head and smiled at the man. ‘Sorry we’re late.’ He stepped forward and gave a little nod, his smile awkward on his face.

  ‘Everyone, this is Joe. Joe, this is everyone.’

  ‘Hello, Joe.’ It was Matt who stood first and thrust his hand out for Joe to shake firmly. ‘Lovely to meet you.’ Georgie saw Joe’s face soften slightly, so she pushed her seat back and leaned forward to peck her sister’s new man on the cheek.

  A flurry of introductions followed, and as they all spoke over one another Georgie watched her mother, her gaze trained carefully on Kate and Joe. A smile played on her lips, but her eyes were grave. Georgie wondered what she was thinking.

  It wasn’t until later that Georgie had cornered Kate, and even then, stuck behind the plant by the toilets, she’d had to lower her voice to a hushed whisper. ‘Why on earth don’t I know about him, then?’

  Kate looked at the carpet beneath her feet. ‘I just wanted to keep it secret, you know, for a bit.’

  ‘Uh-huh.’ Georgie folded her arms sullenly.

  Kate looked up. ‘Do you like him?’ Her eyes searched her sister’s, looking for approval.

  ‘Of course I do. He seems lovely.’ Georgie glanced towards the table. ‘So, he’s a teacher too?’

  ‘Yes. He started last month. He teaches maths.’

  ‘What, and you got it on in the cleaning cupboard, pushing each other up against the bottles of bleach?’

  ‘Georgie!’

  ‘Oh come on, Kate, I’m only kidding. So – ’ she pushed her hair back behind her ear – ‘is it serious?’

  Kate’s face flushed. ‘Yes.’ Her voice was barely a whisper. ‘Yes, I think it is.’

  Georgie had never seen her sister like this. She’d never really had a boyfriend, not properly, and now here she was, twenty-fi
ve years old, and she’d finally fallen in love. Nobody knew then that two years later they’d marry, but spend the next five years trying and failing to have a baby. For now, for this moment, everything was perfect.

  ‘Listen. I’ve got some news too, but I don’t want to announce it now, take away from yours.’

  ‘What is it, George?’

  It was Georgie’s turn to blush now. She’d been dying to tell her sister this news since the moment she found out.

  ‘I’m pregnant.’

  ‘Pregnant?!’ Kate’s voice was high, almost a squeal.

  Georgie gave a small nod and before she could say anything more she was wrapped tightly in Kate’s arms, crushed into her chest, Kate’s chin resting reassuringly on the top of her head. She’d known Kate would be happy for her, but she’d also been worried that her happiness might be tinged with a hint of jealousy. It seemed she had underestimated her sister.

  ‘Is this just for you two, or can your old mum join in?’

  They turned to see Jan next to them, her blonde hair haloed round her face, backlit by the light from the restaurant.

  ‘Oh hi, Mum.’

  Jan’s eyes roamed from the face of one of her daughters to the other, searching for clues.

  ‘So are you going to tell me what’s going on, or do I have to guess?’

  Kate and Georgie glanced at one another and grinned. ‘I’m – I’m having a baby.’

  Georgie wasn’t sure what she’d expected. Hugs, maybe. Happy laughter. Perhaps, but unlikely. A smile. At the very least. She hadn’t expected the long, stretched-out silence that followed, one that seemed as though it was never going to end. Kate broke it, at last.

  ‘Mum? Are you going to say anything?’

  ‘I—’ Jan stopped and looked at them both again, as though she’d only just realized where she was and what she was meant to be doing. ‘I – I’m sorry, Georgie. It was just – it came as a bit of a shock. I’m – ’ she brushed her hand over her face, which had turned a deathly shade of grey – ‘I’m so happy for you.’ She stepped forward and wrapped her arms round her daughter, but it was without any of the warmth of Kate’s hug. It was almost as though she was scared she was going to break her. And then she pulled away and wiped a tear from her cheek and turned and walked towards the bathroom, the door closing with a firm swoosh behind her.