Ruin Me

by Madalyn Boucher

  “Is that what you want? You don’t sound very enthusiastic.” Holy fucking shit, I loved this man. Whether it was drugs or reality in that instance, I loved him. No one had ever dug deeper with who I really was and who I strived to be.

  I bit my lip before speaking. “Ever since I was little, I have always been by my mom’s side, watching her sketch new clothes and interviewing models to try them on. She used to take me to places like Vancouver and Australia when I was younger and let me help with the model’s makeup and everything. I loved it. But now it’s just annoying. She’s always on the road for a new modeling pitch.” I was talking too much; my mouth was becoming dry. Luckily, Nick brought the cup of water with him. I picked it up and took a long drink of it. I don’t know why I neglected to tell him that I wanted to be a psychologist. The last thing he needed was to think I was trying to be like him.

  “Do you ever see yourself having kids?”

  “Hell no. I can’t imagine having kids. The thought of it literally terrifies me.” He raised an eyebrow. “It’s not because of the whole ‘they destroy your body’ or ‘say goodbye to your freedom’ thing. It’s so much deeper than that. There are so many risks with having kids. And don’t even get me started on the whole husband thing because that’s not going to happen. I just cannot fathom the idea of having a kid. What if they get bullied? Society today is fucked.”

  “No husband?” he asked me.

  “Never.” Unless it was you.

  “Why is that?” He seemed to be relaxing a little more, causing my heart to swell.

  “Because I see my parents, and how they are. And I just don’t want that.” I couldn’t believe I was saying all of this, but I felt like I couldn’t stop speaking. Information was literally pouring out of me. “They’re not happy,” I informed him. “And if they are, they have a fucked-up way of showing it. They barely see each other; one of them is always on the road or at meetings or something. My dad is constantly with a client, you know? And it’s almost like he can’t separate his work from his home life.” He nodded his head knowingly.

  “What does your father do?”

  “He’s a lawyer,” I informed him.

  “Oh that’s just great,” Nick sighed. “That’s almost as bad as saying he’s a cop.” I glared at him but smiled when he poked my side. “Go on, tell me more.” I felt the urge to move closer to him, so I did, leaning my head against his shoulder. He didn’t flinch or make me move so I decided to stay where I was.

  “We’re very rarely together as a family. And now all of the attention is on Lacy.” I knew that I was beginning to complain but I couldn’t help it. My emotions were at an all-time high.

  “I’m sorry,” he told me. “Just keep doing what you’re doing, you’ll make them proud.”

  “Being at work with you…that’s when I feel important.” I immediately sat up. Had I just said that aloud? I hadn’t meant to. It was a thought that slipped through my lips. He wasn’t supposed to know that. I hadn’t noticed how tense Mr. Foster’s body became again until he exhaled, sinking a little further into the bed.

  He was so perfect; how was someone so perfect? He had flaws; I was sure of it. But he was still so perfect to me. For me. He was what I needed right now. If I hadn’t been with him in that instance, I didn’t know what I would be doing. He was good for me.

  “Why don’t you sleep?” Nick asked as I fidgeted with my fingers.

  “Because when I’m awake, I can control my thoughts.”

  “What thoughts are you trying to control?” he asked me, staring into my eyes. I could feel myself beginning to melt. What was it about him that made me feel so weak, yet so powerful? My own boyfriend didn’t have that effect on me. I couldn’t seem to grasp onto what it was about him.

  “All of them,” I began. “Although right now I can’t seem to control anything that’s coming out of my mouth. Part of me wants to lay down and another part of me wants to jump and run and dance. I have so much to say but I don’t think I know where to even begin…I’m just on a different level right now.”

  “Start with the first thought that comes into your mind,” he encouraged.

  “You,” I immediately answered.

  “What about me?”

  “You’re so unlike anything I ever imagined,” I began. “I can’t believe that I’m here right now, or that I work with you at the movie store, or that you know so much about me. You know more about me than my own best friend does,” I confessed. He nodded his head but didn’t smile. “I know you keep saying all of this is wrong but I just feel like it’s not.”

  “It is.”

  “You’re so stubborn,” I snapped.

  He tucked a stray piece of hair behind my ear before leaning against the headrest. “You have to realize where I’m coming from, Hayley. You are a senior in high school, and I am your teacher. When I first began teaching I was asked to sign a document stating that I would not engage in any type of relationships with a student―whether that be an unprofessional friendship, sexual relations…you get the point. I became a teacher to help students, to teach them history as well as everyday life lessons. Becoming your teacher wasn’t part of my plan, but it happened. Even if I won’t always be in control of your classroom, I still want what is best for my students. I know, for a fact, that this―” he waved his hands around us, “is not what is best for you.”

  “So, I’m just another student?” I asked, feeling my heart deflate.

  “It doesn’t matter what you are, Hayley. I am not allowed to do this…I am not going to corrupt you this way. I cannot have you looking down the road and seeing me as―”

  “Someone who took advantage of me?” I asked, cutting him off. I sat up and positioned myself to where I was facing him. I could feel my heart speeding. “Do you not understand how absurd that sounds?” He noticed how worked up I was getting. “I trust you. I trust you with literally everything and I’m not sure why. I honestly would never, ever, ever see you as this monster that you’re convinced you are. A monster doesn’t do what you do.”

  “Other people wouldn’t see it that way.”

  “Who cares what other people think?” I protested.

  “Listen to me, Hayley. I am doing this to protect you…to protect your innocence. If we were to go through with this, we would be opening a door to risks, and stress and I would never ask you to do that.” I knew that the conversation needed to be dropped; I was becoming too emotional over it. “The age is literally the only thing that is holding me back.” Tears entered my eyes.

  “I think I would know the difference between you and a fucking monster,” I whispered. I stood up and awkwardly paced around his bedroom. I was surprised to see how clean it was. There wasn’t any clothing thrown onto the ground, or posters of naked women plastered over his walls. It smelled just like him; that rich, musky scent that intoxicated my mind. “I know the difference,” I informed him. My body had so much energy built up inside it I was convinced I was going to explode.

  “Because of what happened with Taylor?” He asked, confused. I shook my head. “What do you mean?” I could feel my entire body shaking with emotion. I had never sped like this before. “Hayley, how?”

  “My dad is a lawyer,” I reminded him. “Well, he’s a Defense Attorney.” I leaned against his door and continued. “And a few years ago, he was defending a man named Adam, but everyone called him Trip. He was accused of raping, like, three girls.” My voice quivered. “He was well-known, and everyone believed that he was innocent. My dad would spend hours with him.” I hesitated to finish the story. Telling Nick about Taylor was one thing. Telling him about Trip was completely different. Nick brushed a piece of hair out of my face before taking his hand in mine. Somehow, some way, this gave me the courage to go on. “My dad never brought his work home…not until Trip. He had him over for dinner one night. My mom hated the idea, but my dad was convinced that he wasn’t guilty.”

  The first time I had met Trip I was ten. My father had made stea
k and potatoes that evening. My mother had brought out her fanciest plates and wine glasses and everyone sat at the table, eating, and laughing as if we’d all been friends for the longest time. I liked Trip; I liked the way his smile filled half of his face and the way his eyes were almost a golden color. He had a face that you could trust.

  He and my father were around the same age and it was blindingly obvious that my father wanted badly for him to be innocent. They hit it off so well that one would assume they were the best of friends. And that’s what they became once he was found innocent. They celebrated with bottles of champagne and confetti and my mom even made a cake. He was over at our house every weekend, whether it was for a football game or poker-night. He was almost like an uncle to me.

  My mom had asked Trip to watch over me after my thirteenth birthday party. She and my father still had plenty to clean up at the bowling alley they had rented out and I wanted to leave. Trip was ecstatic with the idea of taking me home, and so was I. The ride home was fun, considering he played all the hottest new songs and sang as loud as he possibly could. Once we were inside, he insisted we watched a movie. I told him to go ahead and pick one; I needed to get changed out of my jeans and into something more comfortable.

  “What’s more comfortable than nothing at all?” he had asked. I had stopped dead in my tracks, unsure that I had heard him correctly. With my back turned to him, I asked him to repeat himself. “I said,” he began, standing up and walking over to me, “what’s more comfortable than wearing nothing at all?” His breath was hot against my neck, sending chills down my spine. I remembered him placing a cool hand against my arm, trailing his fingers up and down. “I have a present for you, Blue Eyes,” he whispered.

  With that, he wrapped his hands around my wrists and dragged me towards the couch. I remember being in complete shock, unable to protest or say anything at all.

  “He didn’t rape me,” I told Nick. “Once he realized I wasn’t going to fight back he lost interest. Couldn’t get it up.” I thought back to the way my entire body had become frozen beneath him. I was shocked that I had just shared that piece of information with him; I had never told anyone about Trip. After that night, Trip told my father that he accepted a job in Vermont and left two days later. My father still stayed in touch with him, but I hadn’t seen him since that night. Only in my nightmares. And, thanks to Taylor, they had become more frequent.

  I watched as Nick digested everything that I had just told him. He ran his fingers through his hair and sat up straighter. His eyes locked on mine, causing my heart to catch in my throat. Tears swam around my eyes, causing my knees to go weak. I sat against his door and began to cry, feeling the stress that I had burdened finally escape my body. Nick hurried over to me and wrapped his arms around me.

  “I’m so sorry,” he whispered.

  “Do you think differently about me?” I asked, wiping away my tears. I hated the fact that he had just seen me in a moment of weakness. This man had seen me cry more than anyone else ever had.

  “Of course not,” he assured me. “Does it feel better that you told someone?” I nodded my head like a child. “Hayley,” he whispered. I looked up at him, once again intimidated by how close our faces were. “I think you should tell your dad.” I stood up, knocking Nick off me. I couldn’t believe he had suggested that to me.

  “No.” I shook my head furiously.

  “Hayley, this is bad. He deserves to be punished for what he―”

  “He didn’t do anything. He almost did, but there’s no proof that he even tried anything. It’s not like I haven’t thought about it. I just decided that it’s best that I never tell anyone about this.” He looked at me with sincerity in his eyes and I lost my breath. “I just want to sleep,” I told him. The exhaustion that came from telling him about Trip was beginning to take over. I climbed into his bed and watched as Nick contemplated whether to stay or go.

  “I will never let another person hurt you,” he whispered as he climbed into the bed. “I’ll keep you safe.” With that, I drifted off into a dreamless sleep.

  Thirty-Four

  Hayley

  I didn’t want to feel this way. I was afraid―no, terrified. I had never had the feelings I had when I woke up. I turned around and noticed he was gone, yet I could feel his presence. I stood up and navigated my way through his apartment. I found him in the kitchen making breakfast. I watched in silence for a few moments, realizing that this was the first time I had ever seen him doing something completely ordinary. I cleared my throat to get his attention. He immediately turned around and smiled once our eyes met. I could feel my heart melt. I went to open my mouth to say something when a sharp pain shot through my jaw.

  “You’re going to need some of this,” he said, handing me a bottle of Aspirin. I popped it open and took three. “You were gritting your jaw a lot last night…you’re going to be in pain for a little while.”

  “How do you know so much about drugs?” I asked, ignoring the pain.

  “I had quite the college experience,” he told me with an eyebrow raised. I nodded my head in understanding and laughed. I glanced over at the clock hung above his stove and realized that my parents had no idea where I was. I nearly had a panic attack.

  “My phone…have you seen it?” Nick shook his head. “Shit, do you think that it might be at work?” He fished around his pocket for his keys and threw them to me.

  “Go check and see if it’s in there somewhere. I’ll look around my bedroom.”

  The ding of the car door incessantly went off until I shut it behind me. I began searching through the cracks and crevices of the car, hoping to find it. I knew my chances were unlikely, but I figured it couldn’t hurt to search. Miraculously, I found it shoved underneath the passenger seat. I hadn’t remembered grabbing it out of Ryan’s car but then again, I couldn’t remember much of anything. I began scrolling through my missed notifications, terrified when I saw three missed calls from my mother. I clicked on the voicemail she had left me and waited for it to begin. I could feel my heart pounding in my chest.

  “Hey baby girl! Happy New Year! After you and Lacy left your father surprised me with a trip to Downtown New York! He had it planned all along but kept it from me! I’m sorry for telling you so late, it’s just that we were on the plane so suddenly and then it was so loud. I hope you girls are having a good time…what, sweetie…your father says to be careful and that he loves you! We’re planning on visiting with some old friends of ours; you remember the Wayne’s don’t you? Anyways, we’ll keep you posted! I trust you and Lacy, baby. Be safe. I love you.”

  All my worries began to dissipate from my body. I quickly dialed Lacy’s number in hope that she hadn’t blown our cover anyhow. The phone went straight to voicemail. I began scrolling through the plethora of texts Ryan had sent me. Countless drunk texts confessing how madly in love he was with me illuminated my screen. He was sorry that he had accused me of being involved with someone else and continued to send me broken heart emoticons. I tucked the phone into the pocket of Nick’s sweatpants and headed back inside.

  “What’s the verdict?” he asked me. I watched as he brought his coffee cup to his lips and took a large drink. My heart fluttered as I looked at him. I soon remembered that he had asked me a question and my face turned bright red.

  “The parents went on a spontaneous trip to New York to watch the ball drop.” He sighed in relief. “Looks like I’m off the hook,” I grinned.

  “How’re you feeling?” he asked me, sliding me a mug filled with coffee. My heart skipped a beat. I couldn’t help but imagine my future; waking up in his bed, sliding each other cups of coffee, asking each other what was on our agendas. My smile dissipated at the imaginary idea that rested in my mind. I was being delusional.

  “I’m a little curious as to what exactly happened last night,” I confessed. I remembered going to a party with Taylor, Lacy and Ryan, leaving and then ending up at Nick’s house. I was having difficulty remembering the minute detai
ls.

  “Well,” Nick began, “I was super busy at the movie store last night.” He winked before continuing his story. “I called you. You came in and attempted to seduce me. After that situation defused, we came back here and you talked my ear off until this morning.” Memories of the night rushed back into my mind, reminding me that I had kissed him in the office, confessed that I was a virgin and even told him about Trip. Shit. I had never told anyone about Trip.

  “Do you hate me now?” I asked, nervously sipping the coffee. It was hazelnut. I hadn’t taken him as the flavored coffee kind of guy, though I enjoyed discovering new things about him. Nick ignored my question and began sorting through a pile of mail that sat on his table. He hummed quietly to himself and threw any junk mail to the side. I wouldn’t have blamed him if being around me made him uncomfortable.

  After what seemed to be hours, Nick replied. “Do I hate you?” Pause. “Well, Hayley. That seems to be the very opposite of what I feel towards you.” Another pause, this time longer. “At this point…” He sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. “At this point I think I’d prefer to hate you. But I don’t.” He took another drink of his coffee and stared out his window. I could feel my heart aching.

  “Then what do you feel towards me?” I asked, taking a step towards him. The question took every ounce of my pride. I wasn’t sure if I could handle anymore rejection at this point. I needed for the hot and cold act to stop. I needed for him to be completely honest with me, no matter how much it hurt.

  Nick ran his hand through his hair again and bit his bottom lip. I began to wish I were the one biting his lip. I immediately stopped my thoughts and directed my attention back to our conversation. I grew tired of standing so I lifted myself onto the counter. “Well, there are two answers to that question.” I stared at him. “There’s the professional answer…” He trailed off.