Ruin Me

by Madalyn Boucher

  “Where is her fiancé?” I finally asked.

  “He’s been in Brazil for the past month,” Nick began. “He does a lot of cancer research within his job.” I could feel my chest tighten at the sick irony. “My mother was able to get ahold of him last night, so he’s on his way back home.” I couldn’t think of a response, so I stayed quiet. Nick led me to Rachel’s bedroom and proceeded to open the closet door. Inside lied hundreds of dresses, skirts, and dress tops. Nick began sorting through them, remaining silent as he did so. His shoulders began to shake as he reached her prom dress.

  “Nick?”

  “She was so excited to go to that stupid dance,” he whispered. “I remember she forced me to drive back home just so I could see her in it. It was a miracle that she could go, you know. For so long my family was under the impression that school dances and dates with boys and anything, really, would be impossible for her. The fact that she fought so hard throughout her childhood just to be able to put on that fucking dress is incredible.” I met his bloodshot gaze with mine. “Can I tell you something?”

  I nodded my head. He took my hand in his and led me over to her bed. We both sat on the edge of it. “Of course.”

  “When I left you, I didn’t know what to do, Hayley. Walking out of that hospital and leaving you there, after everything you had been through, was fucking impossible. Your father was trying to rationalize with me outside, warning me about what would happen if I stayed, but I wouldn’t leave. I couldn’t. And I didn’t. Not until Rachel showed up.” Confusion swept over me. “Your father had somehow managed to calm me down long enough to ask me who to call. I immediately told him about my sister. When she arrived, I was out of my mind. I couldn’t speak full sentences, I couldn’t stop crying…I was hysterical, Hayley. Part of me believed I had just killed a man and the other part of me knew I was leaving you for dead. I couldn’t bear the thought of any of it.” His grip tightened. “I can still remember what she said to me, Hayley. ‘If you love that girl, then you know what you have to do.’ And that’s when I wrote the letter. That’s when I finally left.” I wasn’t aware that I had been crying until Nick lifted his finger to my cheek and wiped away a tear.

  “I’m sorry,” I whispered. He rested his forehead against mine and stared into my eyes.

  “I want to kiss you.” His gaze dropped to my mouth. I quickly pulled away and made my way to the closet.

  “We need to find an outfit.” I watched as his eyebrows furrowed. “Nick, c’mon. I know that you and I…We have a lot to figure out. But I don’t think that right now is the right time.” I chose my words carefully, cursing the way they sounded. No matter how I put this, it wasn’t going to sound right.

  “Hayley, please.” I pulled out a black, long sleeved dress and placed it beside him. “That’ll work,” he mumbled. I stood awkwardly beside him, unsure of what to do or say. “I’ll meet you out in the car, okay? I just need a minute.” I leaned down and kissed his cheek before exiting the room.

  I was incredibly torn with what to feel. The love of my life had just lost his best friend and was trying to rekindle things with me. However, the psychologist in me was reminding myself that Nick could be attaching himself to me due to his sudden loss. I needed to be a friend, not anything more. Not until the pain of his loss was less fresh. On the other hand, I couldn’t help but feel that maybe this was exactly what he needed. I quickly pulled out my phone and called Lacy. She answered before the second ring.

  “I don’t know what to do.”

  “What’s wrong?” Her voice was filled with panic.

  “Seeing him so hurt, Lace. It’s killing me. Part of me wants to be the person he wants me to be, but the other part of me knows that this could all just be his way of coping with things. What if he’s just attaching himself to me to dull the pain of his loss. What if he’s confused and─”

  “Hayley, stop.” I stopped. “Nick is not attaching himself to you because he lost his sister. The man loves you, okay? I know that the timing is strange, but he called you, Hayley. He needs you. Do you still love him?” I stayed quiet. “I know you do, Hayley. And that’s fine. It’s okay to let yourself be vulnerable again. You both found each other again for a reason. He called you for a reason. Please just be open to letting him back in. I know you, okay? I know how much you care about him. Don’t let him slip away from you again.” Fuck, I hated how right she was.

  “I just don’t want to add more stress for him. I don’t want to confuse him.”

  “Do what feels right. I’m about thirty minutes away so I’ll see you soon, okay?” I told her goodbye and then made my way back inside.

  I called out Nick’s name three times before lightly knocking on Rachel’s door. When he didn’t answer, I pressed my ear against the wood. I quietly turned the doorknob and made my way inside. “Nick?” I asked again. He lifted his eyes from a pile of papers, giving me a weak smile. “What are you reading?” His hands shook as he put the paper beside him.

  “She knew she was going to die.” I made my way over to him. “She wrote…a letter. To me. She knew all along, Hayley.”

  “What do you mean?” He handed me the papers.

  Nick.

  Now, I know what you’re thinking. If she wrote a letter, she knew all along. Why didn’t she come to any of us if she knew? Well, Nick…part of me wanted to believe that none of this was real. But, if you’re reading this, then it is, indeed, real.

  This October, Ezra noticed how much weight I had lost. To an outsider, they probably wouldn’t notice. But, when you’re around someone every second of the day, things like this tend to be a little more noticeable. I was forgetful, I was moody, and I had a constant headache. I tried to tell him there was nothing to worry about, but he was persistent. As a man who researches cancer, he had his concerns.

  After multiple hospital trips, all of which I begged to not attend, we learned that my cancer had made its way back. And of course, because everything I do has to be extravagant, the cancer had to try, and one up me. As you most likely already know, it was Glioblastoma. A very persistent, relentless tumor that made itself comfortable right in front of my fucking brain.

  Of course, Ezra immediately wanted me to start radiation, and chemotherapy, and every other fucking step that I had already endured as a child. But I kindly declined.

  I know that everyone is going to think that I am selfish for not fighting, for just “giving up” as Ezra likes to call it. But please, let me give you my side of the story.

  As a child I was poked and prodded with hundreds of needles. I was sick, constantly. I was alive, but I wasn’t living. But you, Nick. You were my reason to keep fighting. Every day you would be by my side, no matter what you had going on. School dance? Nick was with me. Football game? Nick was with me. A cute girl wanted to go out? Too bad, Nick was already with a cute girl, AKA me. Every ounce of me fought to stay alive during that time, Nick. I fought to stay alive so that I could torture you into missing everything going on around you. I am the reason you were unable to have friends. I was the reason you never went on dates with pretty girls. I consumed every moment of your teenage years, denying you the chance to do so many things.

  Okay, re-reading that, that’s a little melodramatic. It almost sounds like a suicide letter, which this isn’t. Anyone who knows anything knows that Glioblastoma is not curable. And if something can’t be cured, then we know how that goes. Treatment after treatment after treatment. For what, Nick? To prolong my life for a few years? Months? Weeks? To make me miserable instead of just living the fuck out of my life before I go?

  Everyone I love deserves to be happy. That includes you, Mom, Dad and Ezra. I don’t want you guy’s investing any more time into this than you already have.

  Don’t get me wrong, I want to marry Ezra. I want to have cute little babies running around the house one day. I want to take my kids school shopping and all of that stuff…But for what price? No matter how I word it, I don’t think I’ll be able to really explain
what I’m trying to say. And maybe that’s okay. Maybe I don’t have to try and explain myself to everyone…

  This letter is intended for you, Nick. Please don’t tell Mom and Dad, it’ll break their hearts. I know that if anyone deserves the truth, it’s you. You have always been my rock. My best friend. And I just…I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I don’t have it in me to keep going through treatment. I lived an amazing life…and I think that it’s okay to finally let go.

  Ezra knows that I wrote this letter, and he’s mad. He’s so fucking mad, Nick. He’s going to Brazil soon to try and find a cure…But c’mon. What are the chances of that?

  Okay, all of the cancer-talk aside…I love you, Nick. And I want you to be happy. I want you to be able to experience everything that I’m not going to. And I know that this is going to be coming from your little sister, but Nick, you need to do what makes you happy. Over the past couple of years you just haven’t been yourself. And I know that I’m the only person who knows the real reason why, and I’m going to be dead soon, so then no one will ever know…But stop hiding it, Nick. Stop trying to be okay with missing someone. If I were you, I would go after what makes me complete. And you and I both know it’s the devil-eyed girl you love.

  Also, please know that I will haunt you if you don’t do as I say. You’re stubborn, so freaking stubborn, and I would really hate to leave Heaven (because we both know I’m in Heaven, I’m an angel) and kick your ass into shape. The universe brought you back together. Don’t let it go to waste.

  Alright, this letter has turned into a novel. I apologize for that. I love you, Nick. You are the best brother I could have ever asked for. I’m sorry for all of this.

  Your favorite sister,

  Rachel.

  I put the papers back in order and then carefully sat them beside me. I watched as Nick shook his head back and forth. “I know that I shouldn’t be angry,” he began. “But I am.”

  “There’s nothing wrong with being upset.” The front door slammed shut, sending the both of us to our feet. We made our way out of the room and were faced with Ezra. He removed his sunglasses and made his way over to Nick, arms extended.

  “You son of a fucking bitch.” Nick grabbed Ezra by the throat and threw him against the wall, knocking over the plants. “You fucking knew!” Another shove, harder than before. “You didn’t feel the need to fucking tell us?” I slowly backed away, too scared to intervene. Ezra opened his mouth to speak when Nick shoved his fist into his stomach. “You just let her fucking die?” Ezra toppled over in pain, holding one hand up in attempt to stop Nick.

  “You know I would never do that,” he began. Nick looked at me for help. I stood there without anything to say. I was drawing a blank. Memories of Nick’s fist concaving Adam’s skull filled my mind. “She didn’t want to go through treatment, Nick. I couldn’t force her to do something she didn’t want to do.”

  “Then you come to us!” he screamed. “We should’ve had a fucking intervention for her! Did you read the letter? She didn’t go through any of this because she didn’t want us to suffer. How fucking stupid is that?” I slowly made my way towards Nick. “You let her die.”

  Ezra made his way towards the door and threw it open. “Get out.” Nick planted his feet next to mine and shook his head violently. “Get out of here before I call the police.”

  “Tell them to bring a fucking body bag.” Nick made his way towards Ezra, fist raised and eyes wide. I realized what was going to happen and ran in front of him, shoving my hand against his chest. He glared at me but took a step back. “Move, Hayley.”

  “No.”

  “Fucking move.”

  Ezra spit blood from his mouth. “Rachel made her own decision, Nick. Nothing any of us had to say was going to persuade her. She didn’t tell anyone for this exact reason. I don’t understand why she did this either, okay? But she did. And there’s nothing any of us can do to change that. Rachel is dead, Nick. Beating the shit out of me isn’t going to bring her back. Nothing will.” Tears fell from Ezra’s eyes as he spoke. “I loved her with every ounce of my soul. I begged her to do the treatment. I fucking begged, Nick. I was the one who watched her wither away into nothing. I was the one who held her hair back while she was throwing up. I was the─”

  Nick cut him off, his body erupting in laughter. I felt myself go numb. “No Ezra, you left her. You took your ass to Brazil, for what? To find a cure? Or to escape the responsibility of taking care of her? You want to talk about watching her turn into nothing?” His voice grew with intensity, making my ears ring. “That was my entire life. I had to watch my little sister fight for her life for over ten fucking years. You spent what, five years with her? And you think you’re entitled to something? You’re a coward.” Nick grabbed my arm, nearly pulling it out of socket. “We’re leaving.”

  “Nick, pl─” Ezra was on the floor before I could blink an eye. Nick continued to walk as if nothing had happened, pulling me behind him as he went. I looked back, still in shock. Ezra covered his face with his hands, blood pouring through his fingers. I quickly turned my head and followed behind Nick.

  •••

  “He hit him?” I nodded my head as I took another drink of my soda. After Nick’s outburst I decided it was time for me to give him some space. Lacy and I found a small diner nearby in hopes to find some peace and quiet.

  “I understand why he’s upset. I would be, too. But I’m so worried about him. He refuses to show any type of emotion…he’s repressing all of it. I’m nervous about the funeral, Lace. What if he does something impulsive?” Lacy leaned over the table and rested her hand on mine.

  “Nick will be calmed down by then,” she assured me. I gave her a half smile, unconvinced. I wanted to steal Nick away from reality and take his pain away, but I couldn’t. “You said there was a letter?” My heart immediately skipped a beat. I had forgotten about the note. I nodded my head. “What did it say?”

  “It was an explanation…” I began. “But…there was this part, about me.” Lacy’s eyes widened. “She didn’t directly say my name, but she said ‘the girl with devil eyes’. When I met her that’s what she called me.” Lacy waited for me to continue. “She was telling Nick that he needed to go after what made him happy.” Lacy nodded her head, allowing the pieces to fall together.

  “What are your thoughts?” I buried my head in my hands.

  “My thoughts are that this is the last thing anyone should be worrying about. Nick and I were together years ago, Lacy. None of this needs to resurface right now. He needs to focus on grieving the loss of his sister, not the comeback of an old fling. I’m not eighteen anymore.”

  “You’re so full of shit.” She stuffed a fry in her mouth as she spoke. “You’ve been staying with him, right?” I nodded my head. “Sleeping arrangements?”

  I hesitated before answering. “We…Same bed. We sleep in his bed. Only so I know he’s okay.” Lacy nodded her head with an eyebrow raised. “Look, I know this is something that should be discussed. But…Not right now. He’s going through too much right now.”

  “Fair enough.”

  Fifty-Four

  Nick

  My knuckles ached after hitting Ezra. I had only felt a similar anger once before, and the feeling scared me. The look of terror on Hayley’s face had transported me back to the day I attacked Adam. Tears filled my eyes as I pinched the bridge of my nose. Everything was falling apart. I had talked to Rachel less than a month ago; why hadn’t she said anything? I could have helped her. I could have made sure she hadn’t spent the last month of her life alone.

  My chest felt tight as I reread our text messages. My childhood bed squeaked underneath the weight of my body. She had seemed normal. We had never kept anything from each other. No matter how terrifying or illegal or embarrassing the truth was, we always shared it with each other. What was I going to do now? Rachel is my best friend. Was my best friend. I shook the thought out of my brain. It was too soon to use past tense with her. She would come b
ack. No matter what trouble Rachel found herself in, she always came back.

  I had experienced my fair share of anxiety attacks over the last few years, but this was different. It wasn’t going away. No amount of breathing techniques and calming words was going to help me with this. I was going to live with the tight, breathtaking pit in my chest until the day I died. Nothing would ever be the same.

  The door slowly opened as Hayley stepped inside. She eyed me carefully as she took a seat in my old office chair. Her demeaner was timid; afraid. I had done that to her. I had made her fear me.

  I cleared my throat and placed my phone back in my pocket. “Everything is in place for tomorrow,” I informed her. She nodded her head before averting her attention towards the floor. “Are you giving me the silent treatment?” My voice was louder than I had anticipated.

  “No.”

  I ran my hand through my hair before shaking my head back and forth. “You’re more than welcome to think whatever you want, Hayley. I don’t need you here.” She opened her mouth to respond before snapping it shut. Rage consumed me. “Why don’t you just go back home? You seemed to be doing fine before all of this. These are my problems, not yours.”

  “Please stop pushing me away.”

  “Me? Pushing you away? That’s fucking classic, Hayley.” I watched as she flinched. “Why did you come here? Was it out of pity?”

  “Absolutely not,” she argued. “I care about you, Nick. I’m trying to be here for you.” I let out an incredulous laugh. “I don’t know what you want from me, okay? I don’t get it. Nothing I’m going to do or say is going to ease your pain, Nick. Kissing me, telling me you miss me, nothing is going to bring her back. I refuse to be your distraction.” My eyes were going to betray me. I quickly squeezed them together, forcing the tears back inside me. “Of course I want you to fucking kiss me again. Of course I want to be yours again, Nick. I have wanted that since the moment I met you. But you’re not in the right mindset. You need to let yourself grieve without worrying about us.”