by Derek Ailes
Zarathustra laughed for several minutes before disappearing.
“Censored! Censored! Censored!” Mace continued his cussing fit.
“Mace, you need to calm down,” Stable ordered. “We need to head back home before those creatures attack.”
“But Zarathustra!”
“Mace, we will deal with him once we’ve defeated his creatures,” he promised him.
“Fine, but when I do get my hands on him, the end result won’t be PG rated.”
Chapter Four
Tigernaut, a human/tiger hybrid superhero, watched as the approaching horde of zombiefied superhumans neared the school. He was taller and possessed a more defined muscular physique than any other of the superheroes protecting the school. He extended his paw exposing his wooden spiked fingers. He pulled a metal flask out of his black jean jacket and doused his fingers with lighter fluid. He lit the lighter fluid with his cigar, engulfing his fingers in a fiery blaze.
“Attack!” He rushed toward the zombies with his fellow superheroes following his charge.
He stabbed one of the zombies in its head setting it on fire. He grabbed its head and ripped it off of its body. He killed as many of the zombies as he could, but there were too many. He could see more approaching in the distance.
Karen Courageous, a tall, beautiful female superhero with long, curly auburn hair with a large, black streak down the middle, touched one of the superheroes with super strength and absorbed some of his powers. She grabbed a large boulder and threw it toward a horde of zombies. It landed on top of them crushing them. She grabbed two semi-trucks, using them as weapons, to crush several more zombies.
“There are too many of them!” Argos, who possessed over a hundred human eyes over his greenish body, shouted. He closed his eyes and tried to use his power of suggestion to subdue as many of the zombies as he could, but with the zombies no longer possessing minds of their own, his powers were useless.
“We can’t allow them to reach the school!” Tigernaut shouted.
“We were never prepared for the zombie apocalypse even with all our training!” Brickster, a muscular superhero made out of red bricks, added.
“We need to hold position! Everybody, focus your powers on the center of the horde! Those of you with strength as your power, attack the ones we miss!” Tigernaut ordered.
Meanwhile, in the Atlantic Ocean, Aqua Velvet held his scepter in the air, impatient to join the battle at the school. “Guys, can you send some zombies this way!” he shouted. “I’m kind of trapped here! If I leave the water, I’ll shrivel up and die!”
Captain Schizophrenia, a thin, white man with spiked, blue hair wearing a plain white t-shirt and blue jeans, shook violently and split into a hundred identical versions of himself and killed a hundred zombies.
“Keep it up,” Tigernaut instructed him.
“With pleasure,” all the twins said in unison as they killed another hundred zombies.
“I’ll never get use to that,” Tigernaut remarked as he brutally dismembered another zombie.
A large, muscular zombiefied elephant-like creature plowed through a horde of zombies and rammed Tigernaut, sending him upward. Tigernaut landed on his feet and as it rushed toward him again, Brickster jumped in front of it taking the full impact of its attack, causing his brick-like body to explode, sending his bricks in several hundred directions.
The creature turned its attention on Captain Schizophrenia. As it lowered its head preparing to charge him, all the captain’s twins merged and formed one gigantic superhero. As the creature was about to ram him, he grabbed it, lifted it up several feet and then slammed it head first into the ground like he was the Undertaker finishing off an opponent with a tombstone. It lay on the ground with its head snapped. He grabbed its trunk and flung it violently around using its body as a weapon to crush several of the zombies.
With all the superheroes’ combined efforts, the zombie threat had been contained. Tigernaut surveyed the surrounding area and saw no more zombies. He grabbed one of Brickster’s bricks off of a decapitated zombie. “Everybody, comb through the battlefield; we need to find each one of his bricks.”
“We can reassemble him, but you have to face the fact that he died to save you,” Captain Schizophrenia informed him.
“I have an idea,” Karen Courageous said as she watched the Archie Bunker land and Mace, Irene and Stable exit it.
As the last brick was found and placed together in one of the most complicated puzzles ever to be finished, Karen absorbed some of Mace’s regenerative powers and used them to bring Brickster back to life.
“What happened?” Brickster asked as he slowly stood up.
“You sacrificed yourself to save me,” Tigernaut answered. “Thanks.”
“Now that’s using maximum effort,” Mace said with a smile.
Everyone turned around and stared at him.
“Even though I’m a parody of a parody of another comic book character, it doesn’t mean I can’t use his catch phrases,” Mace stated. “Now that the battle is over, it’s time to go hunt for Zarathustra.”
“Just follow the trail of dead zombies,” Tigernaut suggested, pointing to the long trail of decapitated zombies heading away from the school toward the city’s toxic waste dump.
“Raw sewage…yummy!” Mace replied as he pretended to puke.
“And me possessing supersonic smelling,” Stable added as he led Mace and Irene back toward the Archie Bunker.
Mace paced back and force impatiently as they searched the toxic waste dump with no sign of Zarathustra.
A large bubble formed in the river of raw sewage and then popped, sending an unpleasant fragrance into the air. Mace watched as a large piece of wood floated down the river and then disappear.
“Did you see that?” Mace asked. He grabbed a rock and threw it where the wood had disappeared, and the rock vanished.
“A holographic wall?” Irene questioned.
“Zarathustra must be somewhere behind it. This is going to be very disgusting,” Mace said.
“You’re not suggesting that we swim through raw sewage?” Stable questioned.
“I’m not,” Mace said as he jumped into the river of sewage and swam forward. “But I am.” He disappeared as he swam through the holographic wall.
“He’s going to owe us big time,” Irene said as she jumped into the river followed by Stable.
They swam through the holographic wall and to the edge of the river where Mace was laughing hysterically.
“What?” Irene asked as she climbed out of the river.
“You’re both covered in poo!” he laughed.
“So are you,” she pointed out.
Raw sewage seeped out of Stable’s nose, mouth and ears. Stable sneezed covering Irene in more sewage. She angrily wiped the sewage away from her face with her hands while Mace rolled around the ground laughing.
“Are you done?” Stable asked annoyed.
“Stable, don’t be in such a crappy mood.”
“Mace, let’s move on,” Stable ordered.
“You don’t give the orders around here. I’m number one. You’re number…two,” Mace laughed hysterically.
“He’s as immature as a kindergartener,” Irene said as they followed Mace into the building across from the river.
A group of soldiers were loading crates into the back of a large semi-truck. A muscular squirrel, about the height of a boy, held an oversized machine gun and was barking orders at the soldiers. Standing next to him was a tall tree-like creature.
“I’ll distract the two weird looking creatures over there. Find out what’s inside those crates,” Mace instructed.
Mace strutted over to the two creatures while whistling the theme from Star Trek.
“Hey! You don’t belong here!” the squirrel snarled.
“It’s just me, your friendly neighborhood Undead Pool.”
“You need Brut!” the tree-like creature s
aid with a deep voice.
“Huh?” Mace asked.
“You need Brut!”
“Those are the only three words he can say. Preferably in that order,” the squirrel explained. “But he’s right, you do stink badly.”
“You need Brut!”
Mace grabbed his katanas and sliced the tree-like creature into a pile of woodchips. “I heard you the first time!”
“You killed Brut! You will pay for that!”
Mace grabbed the squirrel by his tale and lifted him up in the air.
“You are so cute,” Mace said as he petted his head.
“You won’t think I’m so cute when I’m done with you!”
“Did I make the poor squirrel mad?” Mace kicked the squirrel into the air sending him straight into the river of sewage. “Give my regards to Bullwinkle!”
Mace watched as Stable and Irene killed all the soldiers. He walked over to them and opened one of the crates. “More green serum. You don’t think they’re using the raw sewage as one of its ingredients?”
“It’s possible,” Irene answered.
“Then we must destroy this facility,” Stable instructed.
Mace dropped a bag of bombs at Stable’s feet. “You know the drill. You plant the bombs; I seek out and destroy Zarathustra.” He ran down the corridor leading deeper into the building.
Stable handed Irene several of the bombs, and they strategically placed them around the perimeter of the main floor.
Mace reached the end of the corridor where it split off in two directions. He went left where a group of stormtroopers were waiting for him. They all fired at him, each blast missing him and Ensign John Doe, who was on his first away mission, by a mile. The ensign fell forward dead, anyway.
“Oh the irony,” Mace laughed as he transported past the stormtroopers, reappearing behind them.
“Where did he go?” the one who sounded like Daniel Craig asked.
“Behind you,” Mace answered as he shot each one of them in the back of the head. “They’re just as dumb and useless as putties.”
He could hear Zarathustra’s voice up ahead, and he quickened his pace as he tightened his grip on his katanas. Zarathustra was standing in front of a computer screen talking with someone whose image he couldn’t see. He snuck into the room eavesdropping on the conversation.
“Yes, nobody suspects a thing. They are all perfectly distracted,” Zarathustra explained.
“Good! Soon it will be too late for anyone to stop me,” an ape-like voice spoke. Something about its voice sounded familiar to Mace, but he couldn’t put his finger on where he had heard it before.
“Too late for anyone to stop what?” Mace asked.
“Mace Murdock, I’ve been expecting you,” Zarathustra said without turning around to acknowledge him.
“So have I,” an identical twin of Zarathustra said as it walked in the room.
“So have I,” another twin said from behind Mace.
Three more Zarathustras entered the room.
“How many of you are there?” Mace asked surprised.
“I don’t divulge trade secrets,” the one said by the computer monitor as he turned around to face him.
“I’ll kill every last one of you,” Mace promised him.
“Perhaps or perhaps not. Kill him!” Zarathustra ordered as he ran out of the room.
“Who’s first?” Mace asked as he swung his katanas around in a threatening manner.
Each of the Zarathustras pulled out a flail and swung the spiked ball around ready to attack.
“If this is an Undead Pool video game, then that makes you guys the end bosses.”
“Then this is a video game you’ll lose,” one of them returned.
“Fortunately, I have some cheat codes,” Mace said as he used his transporter to mount the first attack, stabbing one of them.
“Ooh, that tickles,” the clone laughed.
“You have to do better than that,” another clone added.
Mace disappeared and reappeared as one of the clones’ flails hit him in the chest, drawing blood. As he tried to rip it from his chest, he was hit in the back with another one.
The clones laughed as they each took turns hitting him with their flails. Mace violently jerked forward, then upward and then spun around the chains, tangling them. As he jumped upward, he transported causing each of the spiked balls to rip away large chunks of his flesh. As he reappeared, he grabbed onto a fluorescent light, which was twenty feet above them. The clones stared at him smiling. They were clutching their flails that were still tangled around each other. Each one of them had failed to notice that Mace had dropped a bomb on the ground as he had transported. Before they could react, the bomb exploded killing every last one of them.
The blast caused fourth degree burns throughout Mace’s body. He crashed to the ground, the sound of his bones shattering and echoing throughout the room. He screamed as the pain was too much for him to bear. For the first time since hearing Careless Whisper from Wham in 1984, tears streamed down his face in a waterfall. He screamed as he felt his bones reassembling followed by his skin regenerating. Several minutes went by before the pain diminished. He slowly stood up. He could hear the sounds of a helicopter nearby and knew if he didn’t move fast, he would miss his chance to end the real Zarathustra’s life.
He rushed out the room and toward the staircase leading up to the roof. As he kicked the door open revealing several zombiefied clown soldiers waiting to attack, he fired several rounds from his two pistols killing every one of them. He jumped over the bodies and ran toward the helicopter. As it was taking off, he grabbed its right skid. As the helicopter forced him into the air, he grabbed the railing on the roof with his other hand and used his strength to hold the helicopter in place. His arm muscles tightened making him appear to have the most defined biceps that would make any weightlifting competitor jealous.
As his right biceps bulged outward, they popped causing his blood to gush out of his arm like a waterfall. He lost his grip on the railing. He dangled from the helicopter, gripping the skid for dear life. The building exploded sending a ball of flames and debris upward ripping the helicopter’s tail boom off. The helicopter spun violently before nose diving toward the ground below.
Mace pulled himself into the cabin and was instantly flung into the cockpit. He grabbed Zarathustra’s arm. Before the helicopter crashed, he pushed Zarathustra out the pilot door. He transported himself out the door and landed on Zarathustra, bouncing off of his plump stomach. He grabbed him and transported both of them out of the path of the exploding helicopter.
Zarathustra looked at him in shock. “Why did you save me?”
“So I can kill you myself.” Mace pointed his pistol at his head.
“I don’t care if you kill me.”
“No begging for mercy? Don’t deny me the pleasure.”
“Do you think everything will go back to normal after I’m dead?”
“Yes. Once you’re dead, my life can return to as normal as a freak like me can live.”
Zarathustra laughed sinisterly. “Mace, you are a fool. I’m not the main villain of the story. I’m only a distraction.”
“A distraction from what?”
“From what’s about to happen?”
“What’s about to happen?”
“I will never divulge that information.”
“Then you’re no use to me,” Mace said.
“Mace, stop!” Stable ordered as he and Irene walked over to them. “Killing him won’t end your suffering. Life is precious. Since the dawn of time, man has been killing man for incomprehensible reasons. You need to be better than that. You must…”
Before he could finish the sentence, Mace shot Zarathustra in the head. Blood gushed out of his skull like a geyser causing Stable to puke a combination of nuts, bolts and hay.
“Mace, why?” Stable asked as he regained his composure.
“You were a
bout to give a long, boring speech. That shut you up real quick.”
“We needed to interrogate him,” Irene explained. “Do you have any idea what he meant by him being a distraction?”
Mace shrugged his shoulders.
“I did overhear him having a conversation with somebody on his computer. I don’t know who, but the voice was familiar,” Mace explained. “I guess we’ll have to wait until whoever it is makes his move.”
Mace grabbed one of his katanas and used it to slice the top of Zarathustra head off exposing his brain. He ripped it out and held it and the spinal cord up to his face. His stomach growled excitedly.
“What are you doing?” Irene asked out of curiosity.
“Let’s head back to the school. I have an idea,” he answered.
Chapter Five
Daisy laughed as she played with Fluffy, her calico cat. It was a beautiful day and Fluffy was chasing the stick she was dragging across the grass. All of a sudden, the ground shook. A large glass wall came down from the sky and embedded itself in the ground between her house and the parking lot leading to the beach. She looked up and could see a large glass dome above her that spread for miles, farther than she could see. She looked over at Fluffy whose front half slid down the front of the glass. A few seconds later the back of her body slid down the other side of the glass leaving a red streak of blood.
“Fluffy!” Daisy screamed.
“Nobody has claimed responsibility for the large dome covering the whole United States. So far all attempts to destroy it have failed. In unrelated news, many states are reporting a massive infestation of monarch butterflies,” May O’Neal reported.
“Dr. Kelley, do you have any ideas?” Professor Zagar asked as she turned her attention away from the newscast.
“Whoever is responsible stole the idea from Stephen King who stole it from The Simpsons Movie,” he answered.
“Actually, Stephen King denied that,” Mace said as he entered the room followed by Stable and Irene. He dropped Zarathustra’s brain on the coffee table. “Professor, the brain’s my lunch. As I’m eating it, I want you to merge with my mind.”