by Derek Ailes
“Ok. Let me know when you’re…”
Mace was already chewing away at the cerebral delicacy.
Mace stood in a trance as the professor witnessed everything Mace experienced from Zarathustra’s brain. They were at a zoo where an orangutan was being dragged away from its enclosure by two zookeepers in tan coats. It was taken to a large white van where two men, one white and one African American, wearing black sunglasses and black suits stood. They watched as the orderlies secured it in the back of the van.
“He’s all yours, Agent Carlson,” one of the orderlies said to the white agent.
“Thanks. You two are doing this country a great service. Too bad you guys won’t remember this.” He held up a thin metallic device with a red blinking light toward the two zookeeper’s faces and pressed the button on it. “You two have no idea of the orangutan’s whereabouts. You were getting drunk in your office when it escaped.” They stood there with blank expressions as the device altered their short-term memories.
“I love this part,” the other agent said.
“Agent Smith, we need to quickly get it to the lab. We are running out of time.”
“I’ll drive.”
“I’m putting in one of my CDs. I’m getting sick of your DJ Jazzy Jeff & The Fresh Prince CD.”
The image of the van disappeared and was replaced with the orangutan lying on an operating table with its cranium open. On the table next to it was Donald Trump with his cranium open. Donald’s brain was being removed and placed inside the cranium of the orangutan.
The image of the operation was replaced by the image of the orangutan wearing a blue business suit standing in front of a group of supervillains including Zarathustra.
“This is a great era for all of us,” the orangutan who sounded just like Donald Trump said. “Soon my mighty dome will cover the United States separating us from Mexico and Canada! And the greatest part of it all, the American people will pay for it!”
“Crump, what about Alaska?” Zarathustra asked.
“Do you really want to be trapped under a dome with a state that brought us Sarah Palin? I think not,” Crump explained.
“Oh my goodness!” Mace snapped out of the trance and looked over at the professor. “Can you believe that? He still has the same hairstyle!”
“And skin tone,” she added.
Tigernaut entered the room as Mace exited the trance. “Our team is at the outermost edge of the dome to the east. Hopefully, they will be able to find a weakness.”
Pussy Shame watched the ocean waves splash against the dome. She was the shortest of all the female superheroes and possessed the ability to phase allowing her, as well as objects or people she is in contact with, to become intangible and pass through objects and walls.
Arachna-Woman, a spider-like humanoid, put her hand on Pussy’s shoulder. “Are you ready?”
“I hope this works,” she said as she phased, her body becoming transparent. She floated through the dome like an apparition moving through a wall. The phasing process was stopped by the electricity generated by the dome. As her body returned to normal, it was split in half in a similar fashion to a guillotine slicing a body down the middle. Her front half fell into the ocean on the other side while her back half fell backward into Arachna-Woman’s arms.
“Let me try,” Mr. Roboto, a human cyborg, said in a robotic voice. He placed his fists on the dome and slammed them repeatedly causing the dome to shake violently without causing any damage to it.
“You tried your best. Maybe one of the other superheroes will have success,” Mr. Righteous, his side kick, said as he offered him a piece of his famous fried chicken. “This should cheer you up.”
Robin, the Green Hood, fired several of his explosive arrows at the dome. They exploded causing no damage. He put his head down in shame. “I have failed this city!”
“Professor, the team has reported that the mission was a complete failure,” Tigernaut informed her.
“I don’t think it will be destroyed by conventional means. We need to change our strategy,” Dr. Kelley explained.
“We must defeat Crump and force him to remove the dome,” Mace added.
“Stable, travel to the future and find out our fate if the dome isn’t destroyed,” the professor ordered. “Tigernaut, Mace, Irene, I want you three to find Crump and stop him.”
“Mace, before you get any ideas, I’m in charge,” Tigernaut informed him.
“As long as I get to kill someone, I don’t care who’s in charge,” Mace said as he ran out of the room. He poked his head back into the room. “You guys are coming?”
“You’re in charge?” Irene asked staring at Tigernaut. “I don’t think he understands. It’s best to let him think he’s in charge.”
“Whatever! As long as we stop Crump, I don’t care who leads,” Tigernaut snarled as he stormed out of the room toward the hanger where Mace was already starting the Archie Bunker’s engines.
Stable pressed a red button on his arm and dematerialized and rematerialized in the distant future. The school was no longer there replaced by a vast jungle. In the distance he could see buildings that were crumbling and overrun with vegetation. Above him, he could see the outline of the dome. It was covered in a thin layer of dust which made it hard to see through. The sunlight reflected off of it, making it appear to be dusk even though it was the middle of the day. Rusted vehicles littered the grass and skeletons aligned what was visible of the road that used to lead to the school. Several capuchin monkeys ran up to him observing him before dispersing.
He heard loud screeching and whooping sounds in the distant reminding him of the time he was in the monkey house at the zoo. He continued toward where the city once stood. The farther he moved, the more he felt like he was being watched by hundreds of eyes. He heard horses galloping from behind him, and he spun around to greet a group of horses mounted by a battalion of apes dressed in military attire.
“Can it be? A metallic horse standing upright?” one of the ape soldiers asked in a British accent.
“It is unnatural,” one of the other ones added.
“Hello, my name is Stable.”
“Holy Crump, it talks!”
“Yes, I can talk.”
“What are you, unholy creature?” the one ape that appeared to be the leader asked.
“I am a soldier from the past. A soldier for the Why-Men.”
“The Why-Men? It is written in the Book of Crump about the Why-Men and how they and man were destroying the earth before we Apes rose to power and overthrew them. My name is Sid Caesar, and I am the leader of the Apes. Seize him!”
“Sorry to disappoint you, but I have to go.” Stable pressed the button on his arm and dematerialized.
“He vanished! How’s that possible?”
“Witchcraft!” Sid Caesar snarled.
Melchior Copperpot stared at the large dome from one of the bedroom windows of his mansion. His boyfriend, Cobia Clooney, walked into the bedroom and put one of his muscular arms around him.
“That dome is an abomination,” Melchior said.
Cobia stared into Melchior’s eyes and then tightened his embrace. “As long as we stay in Crump’s good graces, we’ll be safe.”
“So many things can go wrong with his plan. The dome could intensify the sunlight causing us to cook inside, or we could use up all the available air and suffocate.”
“You worry too much. This is a glorious time for us supervillains.”
“Is it?”
“Come back to bed. I’ll help you forget all about it.”
Melchior was interrupted by his cell phone ringing. He answered it angrily. “This is not a good time.”
“Not even for your good friend, Mace Murdock.”
“What do you want?”
“Some information about the dome.”
“Cobia, can I have some privacy?”
“If the phone call is more important than me,
I’ll go outside and sunbathe…in the nude.”
After Melchior watched him walk out of the room and out of earshot, he spoke. “Are you planning on destroying that dome?”
“That’s the plan.”
“Then I’ll gladly tell you where Crump is hiding. That dome scares me worse than you.”
“Flattery suits you. I like it.”
“He mustn’t know I ratted him out.”
“He won’t live long enough to find out,” Mace promised him.
“I hope not for all of our sakes. This is the address to his hideout.”
Outside the bedroom, Cobia listened intently. He pulled his cell phone out of his bathrobe and pressed the name on the top of his contact list. “Boss, we have a problem.”
The Archie Bunker landed on the outskirts of Alpine, New Jersey, where Crump’s mansion was located.
“What’s the plan?” Irene asked.
“I walk up to Crump’s front door and ring the doorbell. While I keep everybody distracted, you guys infiltrate it from the rear.”
“The place will be heavily guarded,” Tigernaut pointed out.
“We can handle it,” Mace boasted.
“The plan sounds stupid,” Tigernaut argued.
“Trust me, it’s a good plan.”
Tigernaut and Irene both rolled their eyes at him.
“It’s a good plan,” he reiterated.
“Fine, it’s your funeral,” Tigernaut stated.
“Possibly yours too,” Mace added. “Let’s do this.”
Mace attached a communications device to his sleeve and handed one to Tigernaut. “So we can communicate.” He sprinted down the road leading to Crump’s mansion. He reached the gate in front of the massive mansion and hopped over it. He ran up to the front door and rang the doorbell. A few long minutes later, the front door opened. A short, elderly man wearing blue pajamas and black sunglasses opened the door.
“Oh my goodness! You’re Stan Lee!” Mace jumped up and down excitedly like a giddy schoolgirl. “Stan Lee is in my novel! My name’s Mace Murdock, A.K.A. The Undead Pool!”
“Oh great! Another fanboy!”
“Can I have your autograph?”
Before Stan could slam the door shut, Mace grabbed the side of the door.
“Get out of here, Deathstroke wannabe!”
“Stan! Buddy! I’m just looking for Crump.”
“That’s the mansion next door to the right, you moron!”
The sound of glass shattering echoed throughout the foyer.
“Tigernaut abort. Abort. Wrong house,” Mace spoke into the communications device. “Stan, sorry for the intrusion. Gotta run.”
Stan watched him run away. “Who creates these characters?” he pondered.
Mace stood in front of the gate of Crump’s actual mansion. Two times a charm. He cracked his knuckles and then hopped over the gate. As he landed on the other side, the ground exploded sending pieces of him in every direction. His head rolled across the yard stopping next to his torso. I guess I should have checked for landmines. His transporter lay next to his torso in pieces, destroyed in the explosion.
The skin on his lower neck stretched outward attaching itself to the top of his torso. His bones, muscles and skin re-assembled until his neck and torso were complete again. His arms crawled over to him and reattached themselves as well. His legs hopped across the lawn, and he grabbed them and forced them back into place. As he was complete again, he slowly stood up finally noticing the several ape-like creatures wearing military attire pointing their weapons at him.
“I surrender?” he asked unconvincingly.
“Take him to the cells with the others,” one of the creatures ordered, turning his attention to a large, overly muscular bald man wearing a metallic mask.
“Pain,” the man growled as he grabbed Mace and dragged him toward the mansion.
“So which wrestler is under that mask?” Mace asked.
“Pain,” he repeated.
“Not in the mood to chat, I see.” Mace tried to squirm his way out of the man’s grasp, but he was too strong. He listened to the man struggling to breath behind the mask. “You have a cool Darth Vader thing going on there.”
The man led him to a cell where Tigernaut and Irene were strapped to two metallic chairs. He slammed Mace into another chair and secured him with straps.
“Well, well,” Crump said as he entered the room clapping his hands. “Nobody knows more about capturing superheroes than Crump.”
“Crump, I’m the superhero and superheroes always win,” Mace explained.
“Do they now? You three are prisoners, and I’m here on the other side of the bars all safe from you,” Crump said while holding one of his left fingers upward as he spoke. “Believe me. You three pose no threat to me. I can’t wait to tweet to my followers how easy it was to capture you.”
“I have a question for you,” Mace said.
“Which is?”
“Have you ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight?”
Crump looked at him confused. “What does that even mean?”
“I don’t know,” Mace answered. “I was hoping you knew the meaning.”
“They did warn me that you couldn’t take anything seriously. I guess they were right,” Crump said as he watched the heroes try to free themselves from the metal chairs. “I’d give up if I were you. You are wasting your time. Soon I will unleash a special mist into the air that will turn every animal in the United States into sentient creatures who can talk, communicate with one another, and follow every one of my commands. That is why I encased the United States under the dome, so the mist can infect every one of my creatures.”
“You will be stopped. There are thousands of us superheroes and only one of you. We can defeat any army you throw at us, zombies or animals. By the way, nobody likes you.”
“On the contrary, Mace Murdock, most people like me even if they’re not openly willing to admit it. Women definitely like me. Look at the size of my hands. Nobody has bigger hands than Crump. So believe me when I say that women really like me.”
“Gross!” Irene exclaimed.
“Now if you will excuse me, I have to enact my evil plan. I’ll leave you three alone. You shouldn’t be able to escape.”
“Typical comic book trope. The supervillain explains his whole diabolical plan and then leaves the imprisoned hero alone unguarded.”
“Who are you talking to?” Tigernaut asked as he observed Mace talking straight up toward the ceiling.
“You wouldn’t understand, but the reader does.”
“Reader? What are you talking about? This isn’t a fantasy world in a book. This is real life,” Tigernaut argued.
“Oh, how naïve you are.”
Crump walked into his command center where several apes wearing white lab coats were working. “It is a glorious day for us primates. Soon the animals will rise up and take this world for our own. Release the mist.”
“Hail Crump!” they all chanted in unison as one of the Apes pressed the red button adjacent to their computer monitor releasing the mist. It poured out of the dome throughout the United States quickly altering the DNA of every animal exposed to it.
“Now it has begun! Arise my animal friends and reclaim the world!” Crump laughed sinisterly.
Dee stared out the driver side window of her 1983 Pinto that she and her son were trapped in while trying to figure out which way their St. Bernard had gone. In typical horror film fashion, the car wouldn’t start. She knew her car had been on its last leg being a relic from decades past. Her son, trying to regain his composure, studied his mother hoping she had some plan to save them. She was as scared as he was. Their dog, Beethoven, had gone crazy. He had never witnessed anything as scary as it was with its glowing hateful eyes and the white foam dripping from its demonic lips.
Dee’s eyes widened as she watched Beethoven stand up on its back legs and casually walk over t
o the car. It knocked on the driver side window and spoke. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what got into me. You can exit the car safely now. If there’s any groceries in the trunk, I can help you take them in. By the way, I’m sorry for what I did to the mailman. I’ll clean the mess up later.”
Dee screamed.
Kevin walked toward the entrance to the zoo. His dayshift as a mall cop had just ended, and he was ready for the night shift at the local zoo where he was a zookeeper. He unlocked the front gate and walked in. He froze in place as a lion stood before him, standing like a human.
“Kevin, we have to talk,” the lion spoke.
Kevin fainted.
Jon sat in a daze as he watched Sponge Bob on the television. He knew he had taken one too many hits from his bong, but after a long day visiting his parents on the farm, he needed its soothing effects. His orange, Exotic Shorthair cat walked into the living room and slammed an empty aluminum pan on the ground in front of him.
“We are out of lasagna. Now go to the store and fetch me another one,” the cat commanded.
Jon stared at his bong with wide eyes and placed it on his coffee table. “I think I’ve had enough for one night.”
Mario stood in shock as hundreds of turtles stood in his pizza joint chanting “Pizza!”
A group of dogs sat around a table playing poker. Another one of the dogs sat in the living room reading The Zoo. “This James Patterson guy predicted this! He could be a threat to Crump’s plans! We must kill James Patterson!”
“Don’t you mean we must kill Michael Ledwidge? He actually wrote it!” one of the dogs shouted before dropping his cards face up on the table. “Four aces. Read ‘em and weep.”
“You cheat!” another dog growled.
“Maybe, if I could cut through the restraints,” Tigernaut said as he struggled to free himself. He tried to cut them with his wooden spikes without success.
“If only your claws were made out of metal,” Mace pointed out. “What type of madman infuses someone’s bones with wood? You’re as dangerous as a cute Disney character. Is your top made out of rubber too?”