Breaking Old Habits

by Melissa Bender

  He swallowed loud enough for me to hear. "I didn't know that it was her for sure."

  “From the second I moved in here, you should have told her not to come over.” I sniffed. “I can’t even hang anything on the walls or buy things to make it feel like mine. This house is a man cave.”

  “Buy anything you want. Change everything, Ayla. Just don’t leave. Don’t do this to us.”

  I just rolled my eyes, walking towards him and bringing my hands to his chest, touching him one last time. His hands tangled through my hair, curling into a tight fist as our lips drew together and crashed like ocean waves. Heat and electricity lighted up my insides as our tongues tasted one another. He tasted of liquor and cigarettes, but I was still addicted to him.

  Pulling back, I shook my head. He looked pained, and it killed me to hurt him.

  No. I could not do this. I needed to leave before I changed my mind. "I have to go."

  He pleaded. "We can work this out."

  "No, we can't. You refuse to change, and she's always going to have some sickening hold on you. You won't do anything about it. I understand you needing to do this and keep the peace for the boys, but you need to draw the line somewhere. She's in our home every day. Imagine if you were in my shoes and my ex was coming over, hanging out daily. You'd have beaten the shit out of him." Heck, he wanted to beat the shit out of Harvey, and we weren't even a couple.

  He was about to speak when a horn honked outside, and his brows dipped. "You called Harvey to come get you?" he grimly said. "Unbelievable! I should have known."

  I shook my head as I walked towards the door, passing him and picking up my case by the handle. "No, Griffin. I called my mum because I'm going back home."

  "You're honestly leaving me?" Turning, I watched as he kept walking towards the couch. He blinked away more tears until he stopped trying and let them fall to his cheeks. "I've lost you, haven't I?"

  I nodded as the reality set in. He had lost me, and I found myself.

  "What am I going to tell the boys? You're not just leaving me, Ayla; you're leaving them too."

  My hand stopped on the doorknob as my voice shook from the pain of leaving them all. "How about you tell them that you fucked up for once? You screwed up and lost the girl who worshipped you all."

  "Ayla…" He sat, his head in his hands. His shoulders fell with each silent sob. "Don't do this."

  "I'm only doing this because you couldn't respect me and my feelings enough. I love you Griffin, and I probably always will. But, I deserve a man who'll put me first for once. I need a man who wants the same things as I do, and you've made it clear that marriage and babies are out of the question for you. I need more, more than what you could offer me. As long as Karen's in the picture, we don’t have a chance."

  He nodded, finally looking up with bloodshot eyes. He opened his mouth to speak, and I wished he did. If he had promised me the world, I would have stayed.

  Instead, he said nothing. He said nothing, and I walked away.

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  There was a loud knock on the bedroom door, and I paused David Guetta’s ‘I’ll Keep Loving You’ on the iPod as my dad entered.

  “Sweetheart, I love you, but that song… It’s been on repeat for the past two days.”

  “Deal with it,” I muttered with a blank expression as I kept on staring at the ceiling. “I like it.”

  “Maybe there’s something a little more…” He lingered, leaving the unspoken word hanging in the air.

  Blinking, I turned my head to see him in the doorway. “You mean, something happier?”

  “Could it help?”

  Maybe I did not want it to help.

  I instantly went into depression mode after crying my eyes out on the drive home. Since I came back here, moping around in my old bed, I had only gotten up to shower and use the bathroom. I did nothing else. I ate all my meals, though. Surprisingly, I was hungry, which I did not think I would be.

  Perhaps I was turning into a fat, depressed slob who ate her feelings away. Yeah, that was it.

  “Dear… I don’t mean to be—”

  “I told you to leave her alone.” My mother shooed him away and popped her head in, giving me a sad smile as she left the room and closed the door.

  They let me be after that, leaving me to press play once again and listen to the same song over and over. It was the only way I knew to describe my feelings. I would love him. I did love him. I would always love him, and at this moment, I could not see a life without him in it.

  I had done the hard part and walked away. However, deep down, I was still wishing that he chased after me—that he would come begging for me to stay and make all those promises I wanted to hear from him. Even if I very well knew that they were not true, I knew I would have stayed—and that was the worst part.

  I lost myself to him. I gave him my all, and for what? I got nothing in return. Well, maybe a good fuck, but that was about it.

  He had called me—not right away, though—the next day. The realisation that I actually was not coming back and that I was really gone and done with the drama that came with him must have finally hit his thick skull. Karen. Gahh! Just thinking about her had me glaring at the ceiling as I sat up and reached over to my bedside table, grabbing hold of my phone.

  Griffin. My eyes began to fill up, blurring his name into a puddle of tears.

  His name flashed over the screen again. I had not called anyone, but he drained my battery from the number of times he kept calling. They started at eleven am yesterday, and he was still calling every half an hour today. He never left a voice message. He just kept calling, and I ignored them all every single time.

  It was killing me not to pick up and say hello. It was not like he could persuade me into coming back to him. I did not have a car. I had left the keys with him at the house. It was his, in the first place. I was only driving it. Being here, it gave me the time to think about everything we had been through. That was all I had been doing, and it was only making me angrier and more pissed off with him.

  How I missed the boys, though. I regretted that I did not say goodbye to them, but I could not. It would have made things too hard. They were great kids, and I loved them like my own. Mack and I shared a bond. Toby was always the smart ass, but not once did he miss giving me a kiss and cuddle me good night.

  Then again, there was her, and I could not compete with that.

  Karen was always his number one. They have some sick emotional affair. Even if Griffin did not realise it, that was what it was. Whatever. They were always texting and talking. Her constant visits did my head in, and I knew if I stayed, I was going to be the girl who whined and sulked. That was not me.

  I was already turning into her, though. I was emotional, clingy, and going crazy with jealousy.

  I could have easily told him about the plan I had overheard from his mother and Karen, but like I said, I was not that girl. I did not do drama. Probably why I did not really have a female best friend. It was mostly Harvey and the girls at the café. I needed a life again. Playing house made me happy—until it didn’t.

  Becoming fed up, I answered the phone in a huff through the silent tears that were still coming from my eyes. I thought I would have cried them all away by now. “What!”

  “You answered.” He breathed out. “Don’t hang up.”

  “You’ve got to stop calling me. I mean it. Just leave me alone.”

  “Is that what you want? You want me to stop calling?” He sounded as if he had not slept a wink since I left.

  I was silent. Was it what I wanted? Truthfully, no, but it was what I needed.

  “Griffin,” I whispered, tears rolling down my cheeks. “Please. I need space.”

  “I need you.”

  His words brought a sob to my mouth that I was sure he heard as I ended the call and silenced the phone. Throwing it across the room, I fell face first into my pillow, sobbing loud howls of heartache that felt like they would never end.

  The
next time I woke from that blackness of doom, I closed my eyes again and rolled over. I did not want to be awake. Couldn’t I just sleep until the pain ripping my heart out ends? Not that easy, apparently.

  Noticing a woollen blanket over my body, I kicked it off with my feet. My bladder felt ready to explode, so I walked to the bathroom, yawning. Going downstairs, I heard voices in the kitchen, and for the tiniest moment, I assumed that he was here. I hoped.

  “Hey, sleepy head. You’re finally up.”

  I eyed him, confused. Was I dreaming? “Harvey?” I asked. “What are you doing here?”

  “Well, your...”

  “I called him, hoping he’d be able to get you out of that bed you’ve been in for days,” Dad spoke up, looking quite pleased with himself. “Plus, he kept asking how you were. Nice boy he is.”

  Mum sighed, rolling her eyes as she stood from the table. “I had no idea about this, but you can imagine my reaction. Something to eat?”

  “Umm, yeah... I guess, and you called him?” Oh no. He told him. “Dad, I told you I’m fine.”

  “Horse shit, young lady.” He scoffed. “You’re not fine, and be damned if I’ll let my little princess sit in her room, crying for days.”

  “It’s been two.” I reminded.

  “Long enough. Now, sit and eat.”

  He could lecture me and think he was helping, but he was not. Harvey was not someone I wanted to see just yet. I had planned on locking myself away from everyone to deal with all of this… grieve or whatever for the loss of my fucked-up relationship with a man who did not deserve me. Yes, he never deserved me.

  Maybe at the start, but not now.

  Sitting down, I rubbed a hand over my stomach. It was cramping up a bit. Must be hunger pains. “So you just drove down here?” I asked, finally looking up at Harvey.

  “Yeah, is that not okay?” he asked, somewhat cautious.

  I shrugged. My hair was a mess, and my eyes were puffy. I was in my pyjamas and did not really care. I had no intention of impressing anyone. I was not sure if I had even brushed my teeth since coming here.

  “It’s fine,” I said back as Mum placed a full plate of veggies and roast meat in front of me.

  “You’re looking a little thin. Just want to make sure you’re eating well.” A for effort, Mum.

  “Thanks.”

  Normally, I had a thing where I could not eat in front of others if they were not eating, but that went out the window tonight as I dug in hungrily. It was so good that I finished with a piece of bread to soak up the leftover gravy on my plate.

  Like I said, I was not trying to impress anyone.

  “Why don’t we go for a walk?” Harvey suggested after dinner.

  I shook my head. “Not really in the mood to walk around.”

  “What about roasting marshmallows?”

  That got my attention. Not wanting to admit it, I looked up and pursed my lips. “Just to the fire pit. I’m not going anywhere else.”

  I wondered for a moment if Griffin had found all the camping gear I hid in the car. I hoped the milk in the esky spilled somehow and left a curdled, smelly mess all over the car that he could not get out.

  “What happened?” he asked.

  I sighed, knowing it was coming. Of course, he was not going to drive two hours from his place and not ask me about the breakup. Digging my hand into the hoodie pocket, I sighed again. Could I talk about it without becoming a blubbering mess in front of him?

  There was only one way to find out.

  “We broke up.”

  “No shit. I meant, how did it happen? I thought you were going away.”

  There was no sugar coating with him. Good, I did not want that. “He was in her house.”

  “Oh, and that’s a bad thing?” he asked, looking back to the fire as he rolled the stick between his fingertips. “I mean, she’s always over yours, so why is he being there any different?”

  My mood was turning sour. “Because it’s disrespectful to me.”

  “You come over to my place.”

  “We’ve never fucked.” I snapped, annoyed at him. “He went into her house and lied to my face about it. Him going over there is the same as cheating in my eyes, only he didn’t put his dick in her. He still went there knowing very well that I would be devastated and hurt.”

  “Oh.”

  “I hadn’t even gone ten minutes, and he was in her house. She was throwing him a birthday party with their kids and friends. You should have seen them.”

  “You were there watching?” He began to smirk. “Spying?”

  I’m his—was his girlfriend. “Not spying, gathering intel. Ok, maybe I was spying, but how could I not?”

  “Did you hide in the bushes?” He chuckled, finding this whole thing amusing. Why wouldn’t he? He hated Griffin.

  “No, only through the living room window at home—his place. I couldn’t hear them talk. The music was so loud. But I sat there and watched him having the time of his life with her. They looked like the perfect family,” I said the last part in a bare whisper. It hurt, but they did. “He still loves her.”

  A scoff came beside me, followed by a roar of laughter. “Fuck off. We both know he hates her, and if he loved her, then he would be with her, not threatening to smash my face in if I touched you.”

  “He said that to you? When?” I did not believe it.

  “Yesterday, when he turned up at my apartment. Almost kicked the door in too,” he added.

  “He came to your house?” I asked. Why was I so surprised by all of this? I was meant to hate him, not thinking of a guy coming for his girl.

  Harvey pulled back his hand and blew against the burnt marshmallow, handing it over to me. “He said you left him, and if I even thought of going after you, then he’d know and make me regret it. He fucked up and lost you, huh?” He smirked. “So, your dad called, and I couldn’t pass up the chance to really fuck him off.”

  I just forced a smile back. “Yeah… He lost me.” He did.

  All I had was this vision I had forced myself to see for the past few months. We were not meant to be, but I was not ready to let go completely then. I needed to see the real him, and I finally did. My heart could mourn the loss of him, but my brain knew it was the smart and right thing to do.

  “I think we should go back inside.” I had not checked my phone, and I wanted to check it. Pathetic, I know.

  “In a minute.” He placed another marshmallow on the stick as I kept eating mine, and he began to toast that too. “Did you decide to take some time off work? I can cover for you.”

  “Oh, no. It’s ok. I’m going to call and see if I can work weekends again like before. Maybe Mum could transfer me to her new café here. I need the money.” To buy a new car and look for a rental closer to home. Then I could find a new job.

  He nodded, once again bringing the toasted marshmallow closer to him, sliding it up the stick with his fingers and bringing it closer towards my lips. I frowned but parted my lips to take the gooey deliciousness and eat it—only he kissed me instead. He kissed me.

  I froze. His cold lips were against mine for a few seconds before he pulled away with a smile, popping the marshmallow into my mouth. “I love you.”

  Oh. “Harvey, I…” How could I respond to that? I was not ready.

  “Don’t say anything. Just know that when you’re ready, I’m here for you. I won’t hurt you. You know I wouldn’t.” I knew he would not hurt me, but I was far from ready to get myself back into another relationship.

  He kissed me, and you know what I felt? Guilt. I felt guilty.

  I did not want him to kiss me. He should not have done that. I was here crying over my breakup, and he thought he can just drive up and kiss me? Oh, no. Not happening.

  “I think I’m going to go to bed.” I pretended to yawn, stretching, but immediately pulled my arms back down as my stomach cramped again.

  “You okay?” he asked, standing with me. “I’ll walk you to your room.”

 
“Umm, it’s okay. You don’t have to do that.” I assured him, but his blue eyes were insisting, and he was already following behind me.

  At my door, he smiled handsomely and went to hug me goodnight. His arms didn’t offer any comfort, though, just an awkwardness that I clung onto tightly. Was it bad that I closed my eyes and thought of Griffin holding me? It did not do any justice. His touch was too soft… his body too thin. I craved the manly hug—the feeling of belonging and possession when Griffin held me.

  Pulling away, I said, “Goodnight.”

  “See you in the morning. Remember what I said, Ayla. I’ll wait for you. You deserve that.”

  I could not respond to that. The man was standing in front of me, pouring his feelings out and promising to treat me great, yet it did not give me any solace at all. I foolishly wanted the man who kept hurting me.

  My phone was under the bed, and there was a total of seven missed calls in the past two hours. More guilt racked me as I touched my lips and wiped them with my sleeve, wanting the touch of Harvey off me. It should not have surprised me that he would kiss me. It did, though. I had never given him mixed signals. I was his friend, but he knew how much I adore and love Griffin.

  I climbed back into bed, my home of heartache. I snuggled down feeling alone and cold. Grabbing a cushion, I hugged it tightly, closing my eyes and waiting for the tears, but they never came. They would, later on.

  I fell asleep to the vibration of my phone buzzing underneath my pillow, and I felt that tomorrow, I would wake up feeling better than I had been today. A day at a time, so Mum told me as she had held me in her arms and promised everything would work out and that I’d get through this.

  They did not know the full story, like how we met. I had only given them a short half-truth version of it all being too much for me, and I needed to move on.

  ***

  The next day, after tossing and turning most of the night, I was eating with everyone else, but did not eat much. I felt off this morning. The juice burned my throat, and toast was the only thing I could stomach.