Breaking Old Habits

by Melissa Bender

  “She said you… that you and her—” His finger pressed to my lips.

  “No. I haven’t and wouldn’t.”

  I looked at him, like really looked at him, and cocked my head to the side, swallowing as I licked my lips and wondered if he was telling the truth although I knew he was. “You make all these promises now. What if the same shit starts to happen again, Griffin? I mean, what if we think that we’re in love when really all that this is…” I waved a hand between him and me. “What if it’s just lust?”

  His brows dipped. “It’s more than lust. You know that.”

  “Do I? You’re my first boyfriend; I don’t know how it’s meant to go, but I do know how things were before. Me sacrificing my happiness for the sake of your relationship with her isn’t what I want. I can’t do that again.” I refused to give in and be weak. I could not let him walk all over me again, same as with Karen.

  “You won’t have to. I told you, there’s been no one since you walked out that night. I’ve been a miserable mess.”

  Chewing on my lower lip, I felt broken and bare to him. “You deserved to be miserable after how you treated me and what you’ve done.”

  “I know.”

  “That really broke me apart, Griffin. You in her house, lying to me.” And putting a strict no marriage and no baby ban on us.

  “I fucked up.” His eyes were unsure. He could not tell what I was thinking. “Please, give me one more shot to prove that I won’t hurt you again.”

  “But—”

  “No buts, Ayla. There’s been no one else since you—long before you, even,” he spoke, stepping closer. “There’s never going to be anyone but you,” he yelled in an exasperated groan. “Don’t you see? I don’t want to be with anyone else. You own me, pretty. You have my heart. You own me. Don’t you see that? If you’re not with me, then I’m fucking nothing.” He was baring himself to me, showing me the raw and hidden side that I never knew existed.

  “Even if we’ve broken up?” I whispered, my eyes wide.

  “Though we were broken up.” He smirked as he grazed a finger gently over my nose, and I closed my eyes through the pain. When I opened them again, he was smiling still. “Go shower. You’ll feel better afterwards.”

  Then his touch was gone, and I felt… empty. He had given me comfort, showed me the tender side I fell in love with again. My old feelings were beginning to resurface. I wanted him to hold me, but we could not. He was right; we had broken up.

  So what the hell were we doing? We could not keep doing this secret meetings and moments together. It would only hurt us both, eventually.

  Moving away, I turned and started to close the bathroom door shut when his voice brought me to a halt.

  “When you said more, you were talking about what I couldn’t give you, right?” If only he knew he had given me one of those things just fine. I, however, lost it and would not ever get that back.

  I gave him a sad smile. I had my answer. “Yeah.”

  The hot water felt awesome against my naked skin. The water poured down, hitting my back as I stood facing the wall. I wanted to stay in here until the water ran cold. My exhausted body craved a massage, but a bed would do for now.

  The shower curtain drawing back made me jump, turning to face a very naked Griffin as he stepped over the bathtub and in here with me. I went to cover myself, but like in the café, I was frozen to my spot.

  “Griffin… What are you doing in here?” I blinked, making sure this was not a dream. My body wanted him. My heart needed him. Not once did I tell him to get back out again. It never even crossed my mind to kick him out.

  He came towards me like a predator in the night. Hot water was falling over the both of us as he crashed his lips against mine possessively. A groan escaped his lips as he held me. His hands were dominating mine, pinning them up above my head as his hard body secured me to the tiled wall. I gasped against his mouth that tasted of mint mixed with a tinge of lime. Oh, god. I moaned. I moaned loudly and breathily. Another whimper came as he smoothly glided his tongue inside, over mine. Oh, to kiss a man without any facial hair. Passion took over, and his fingers clamped tightly before they loosened, letting them go. I was free, and I needed to touch him. My hands were grabbing his skin. Anywhere I could reach, I held. I needed him. I wanted him. I was his.

  My back was against the wall as his erection pressed against my lower belly, stirring through to my core. The heat of needing him inside me was boiling up. I needed to feel his every ridge, the thickness taking me over and over. Our mouths finally parted, and I tangled my fingers in his short hair, tugging and enjoying its dampness. I kissed down his jaw, marveling at his soft skin. His hands cupped the curve of my ass, effortlessly lifting me up and slamming me back against the wall. I could feel the heat from his cock against my folds. I almost convulsed on the spot, but still, we did not go that far.

  My arms wound around his neck as I kissed my way up his strong jaw, earning a throaty groan. I licked and sucked his lobe, and he found my mouth once again. We were kissing frantically, clawing at each other in primal need. This was enough—just kissing and holding onto one another. We pulled apart breathlessly after we had spent a great deal making out. My eyes slowly opened, and I could not help but smile. I realised his eyes were watering… and not from the shower. He had cried. I began to cry too, and his mouth gently placed another kiss to my lips.

  With our foreheads resting together, our eyes connected. Our hearts were practically beating as one. He was home. I was home.

  This was where we belonged, together.

  “Marry me.”

  His words blew across my lips, a sweet whisper. It was not a question.

  “Marry me,” he repeated in a heavier, much more intense voice. Then he began to kneel in the bathroom tub on one knee.

  Yes! I screamed in my head over and over—only that was not the word that came out.

  “I lost our baby.”

  CHAPTER SIXTEEN

  Kneeling at my feet, his expression changed and went straight from hopeful to confused.

  “What?” he asked as he stood up, clearly not expecting that. His brows dipped low over his eyes that hid behind his furiously blinking lids. “Baby?” he whispered.

  My heart was racing. How could a marriage proposal end up this badly? “I’m sorry.”

  “Ayla, what baby?” he asked again, repeating himself louder.

  I finally found my voice, still feeling sick with nerves. “I was pregnant.”

  “And you didn’t tell me that sooner?” he asked, incredulously. “Shit.” He blew out a hard breath as his hands brushed through his hair. “When?”

  Great, he was going to assume I was like here. “I didn’t know until we were broken up.”

  “When, Ayla?” he asked more forcefully.

  Okay, so no for small talking my way through this. “After we broke up. That first week.”

  “Did you take a test?”

  “No.”

  “How did you find out?” He was shooting questions after questions, visibly frantic.

  “I bled. Harvey was—”

  “Harvey?” he glared. “You were with him.”

  Christ. I glared back. “Look, if you want me to answer you, then back up and let me finish speaking and stop interrupting me. Otherwise, this is only going to end with one of us storming out.”

  His jaw clenched, and his eyes darted away, but he nodded and took a step back away from me. “Go on.” There was a hint of annoyance in that statement.

  The truth, the whole truth… Just tell him.

  “Like I said, I didn’t find out until I was at my parents. There was no test. I just started to feel sick. That same day, Harvey came up and visited me. He said you went and warned him to keep away.”

  “The fucker did the exact opposite,” he muttered, unimpressed.

  So much for no interruptions.

  Ignoring him, I kept going. “I started to cramp, and then I had a massive bleed in the kitchen.
I blacked out and woke in hospital. I didn’t even know I was pregnant until I was told so. Mum told me it was an ectopic pregnancy and that nothing could have been done to prevent it. I was pregnant, and no, before you start accusing me, I hadn’t stopped taking my pill or tried to get pregnant on purpose. I may have wanted a baby with you, but I wouldn’t trap you or deceive you in such a way.”

  “You never told me,” he spoke, sounding hurt.

  “I was scared,” I whispered. “You would have been so mad at me.”

  He took a step towards me again and looked down to my stomach. “You should have told me. I wouldn’t have been mad at you. I know that you’re nothing like her.”

  I eyed him. Really? You really wouldn’t have thought that, Mr let-me-watch-you-take-your pills-every-morning.

  “I wanted to have your baby so bad.” He knew this already. It was not a secret. “But I was eleven weeks along and had no clue.”

  “Make that two of us,” he said with sarcasm, his brows still furrowed. “You should have called me at the fucking hospital, Ayla. That was almost what? Eight, nine weeks ago?”

  I nodded. I knew this. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know how to tell you.”

  “Harvey knew?” he asked, growing more uncomfortable. “I hate that he was the one who went through that with you. I would have dropped everything to be by your side and nurse you back to health, Ayla.”

  “I’m sorry,” I repeated. I really meant that. “My body went into some kind of shock. I didn’t know how to even wrap my head around it. Griffin, you scared the fuck out of me with your no babies speech. What do you want me to do? Call you up and say, ‘hey I was pregnant but don’t worry, I’m not anymore?’ You think I would feel comfortable with that?” I shook my head, rolling my eyes. “I was afraid.”

  He glowered at me. Sexy. “I admit, my reaction to that wasn’t well handled. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want to hurt you, but I had to tell you how I felt. You were all gaga every time a baby was near. It was impossible not to see what you were craving.”

  And here I had thought I hid that well.

  Bowing my head in shame, my eyes sprung with fresh tears. “I lost your baby. I just… How could I have not known?” It’s something that I would always torture myself over. “I should have known.”

  “It wasn’t your fault.” He soothed my guilt away, lifting my chin, bringing me into his open arms, and holding me tight for a good few minutes. “Baby, I’m sorry you went through it alone.”

  Me, too. “How mad are you at me right now?” I asked, wondering if his taking his proposal off the table now that he knew I had hidden something this big from him. He had to be pretty mad. I had just sprung this on him at the most random time.

  “Marry me, pretty.”

  I pulled away, opening my mouth with a soft answer. “Yes.”

  I don’t think he heard me. He began to talk really rushed and nervously. “I’ve got a ring.

  Whoa! Didn’t see that coming.

  “It’s back home, but I brought you a ring. Weeks ago, the day after you left, actually. It’s in the side draw, but I want this. I’m sure of it. I want you. This. Us. For the rest of my life. I need you, Ayla. You’re the only pussy I want to fuck for the rest of my life.”

  Charming. Absolutely charming.

  “Yes.”

  “Marry me.”

  Those words floored my heart to a halt again. “Yes.” I smiled, and an excited laugh escaped my lips. “Yes! Yes! I will marry you!”

  He beamed, and his eyes lighted up. That was the first time I have seen him smile heartily since we broke up. We kissed, and we kissed hard. The passion of fire was spreading through our loins, but then he pulled away all too soon, and I stood there slightly confused. “What are you doing?”

  “Water is going cold,” he chuckled, and sure enough, it was. I just did not feel the change.

  The water stopped, and he drew back the old, ratty-looking shower curtain. “I’ll get you a towel. Wait here.”

  I stood, dripping wet and shivering as he wrapped a yellow towel around his waist. He grabbed another, unfolded it, and opened it up for me. I stood as he began to dry me off, wiping the water away. Back on his knees, he patted me dry between my thighs and over my mound. When his face was at level with my flat stomach, he paused and grazed a finger over the two small round scars.

  “You had surgery?”

  I nodded, looking down. “They took out the tube.”

  “What does that mean?” he asked, standing once again. “You can’t fall pregnant again?”

  Was he worried about it? Nah.

  “Yes, the tube was damaged. They had to remove it… but there’s a good chance I can fall pregnant again.” I hoped. Maybe, someday.

  My hopes were dashed when he just nodded and continued drying me off. Babies. Not going to happen again, anyway.

  I went to pull on my panties and was lifting my leg when he stopped me. Naked still, he stepped in closer. His erection thickened against my thigh as he looked at me. I tilted my head back, and he reached up, cupping the nape of my neck. His other hand drew in closer as his mouth neared mine.

  I walked backwards towards the bed, and my calves hit the mattress.

  “You said yes.” His voice was a breathy murmur. “I have a ring.”

  My eyes hazed with lust. “You brought me a ring. I can’t wait to wear it.”

  “I can’t wait to fuck you while you’re wearing it.” That. “I really want to taste you.” Definitely that!

  Our mouths fit like the final piece of the puzzle. His hand slowly started to wander down my stomach, finding my fold to slide his finger up and down. His other hand cradled my head, running his fingers through my hair. A finger dipped inside me, and I moaned softly. I was so wet, soaked. His second finger entered, and I moaned against his mouth.

  “Oh, god.” That felt amazing.

  His hand tightened in my hair, and he pulled on it. My neck was completely exposed. His mouth moved down to my neck, and I shuddered as I felt his hot breath against my skin. My hair prickled at the scalp. Oh, god. His teeth grazed on me, opening and closing against my flesh. His mouth sucked, tickling me with his tongue, and I felt my eyes rolling.

  I missed this. Hmm…

  His mouth went lower, down my chest to my breasts where his hot tongue trailed over. He flicked each erect nipple, teasing me as his fingers dip in and out in the same sensual pace. I clenched around him, roaming my hands through his hair.

  His thumb twitches on my clit before his fingers slid back inside me and worked in and out, curling up towards my G-spot. “Don’t sto—” Words failed me as my eyes rolled. I parted my lips as I sunk into the gratifying pleasure.

  With a cry, my feet were out from under me, and my back fell flat on the mattress. His mouth moved lower, and his tongue traced down further to my stomach. Trailing around my belly button, he then kissed further down to the edge of my bare mound.

  He kissed his way down. My breathing quickened when I felt his tongue against my swollen bud, already aroused from his thumb. He started to run circles around, knowing it would not take me long. His fingers worked faster as his tongue tasted me. I was soaking him. I could feel my juices soaking the sheets beneath me.

  “I’m close.” Fuck. I was going to come hard and everywhere.

  “That’s it, baby. Come for me.” He growled against me, the vibrations from his voice breaking me apart.

  Lifting my head, I glanced down through heavy lids to see him watching me hungrily. Shit. My orgasm tore through my lower belly. Curling my toes, I threw my head back, raking my hands through his hair and tugging them, arching up against him.

  Grinding against his face, I blissfully came in ecstasy.

  Moving up and over me, his hand wrapped around his thick erection, stroking up and down slowly. His eyes were already clouded with desire, and his voice was growing strained. “I’m not going to last long. It’s been a while. Not even jerking off sated my need for your body.�
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  “I… same.” My naked body was underneath him, and I felt shy. “I’m scared.”

  Why was I scared? We were going to have sex, making love for the first time since we broke up. It was our first time as an engaged couple… oh, and since I lost our baby. Shit.

  “We can't.” My hands pushed against his chest. “I’m not… I’m not on anything.”

  “Nothing?” he asked. His eyes raked over my tits and further down to my spread thighs. “I’ll pull out.”

  Pull out? He has done that plenty times before and came all over my chest. “Okay.”

  Steadily, he sunk into me in a sharp intake of breath. With his cock pulsing inside of me, my hands went around his neck, and I closed my thighs in on him.

  Keeping each other close, we were home.

  My chest was sticky with his semen, and he fell into the bed beside me. Quick was definitely right, but it did not matter. It was what we both needed—that first fuck of almost unbearable passion that bound us tightly.

  And so our night went by with no sleep, just constant talk and laughter while I had an ice pack against my face to keep the swelling at bay. It was not going to help much, but the pain had died away at least.

  Giggling, I lifted the pack and looked at him. “I can’t tell my parents how you proposed to me.”

  “Why not?”

  I raised a brow. Really? Think about it, Griffin. “We were naked in the shower. It’ll be just like how they don’t know the real way we met.”

  “Taking your virginity on table three at the café?”

  I blushed, covering my face with my arm. “Don’t bring that up.”

  Laughing freely, he took my hand from my face and kissed each knuckle. “Ayla, you could have told me you were a virgin instead of waiting until I was inside you to figure it out. I would have taken you somewhere else.”

  “I thought you’d change your mind. It could have been from your size. You just assumed I was a virgin.” I was, but it was not something a girl on her twenty-first birthday would want to confess. “Plus, the motel was fun. That’s where you fell in love with me.”