Enigma Black

by Sara Furlong-Burr

  My desk, a mahogany remnant from my parent’s home, sat in the corner of my living room, giving me inspiration. Like a beacon, it beckoned me to stand up and walk over to it. Opening one of its drawers, I found a notepad and pens in a coffee cup. I grabbed the notepad and sat down at the desk to think about what I wanted to say. What would I want Lucy to know? I sat for a minute before scribbling out a letter to her in my nearly illegible handwriting; a trait I blamed on having a doctor for a father.

  Luce,

  I’m so sorry for not having the chance to tell you this in person. I’ve been presented with an opportunity that I couldn’t pass up. Don’t think that your advice drove me to it. I would have come to this conclusion no matter what you would have said to me. I just wanted you to know that you’ve been the best friend anyone could have ever wished for and I’m sorry. I’m so, so, incredibly sorry that I had to leave like this. Just know that what I’m doing is something I’ve dreamt of. I’m finally fulfilling a promise I made to myself a long time ago. If I can contact you, I will. Just know that I’m well and taken care of. I hope you achieve everything you ever dreamed you would. I know you’ll be great no matter what you do.

  You will be my best friend for life,

  Celaine

  I would mail the letter tomorrow. It would reach Lucy well after I’d left. She would freak out and try calling me. When she couldn’t reach me, she would call Chase and the two of them would compare notes.

  There was no way I could leave my second family without saying goodbye. To Carrie, Jim, and MaKayla I wrote:

  Carrie, Jim and MaKayla (a.k.a. my other family):

  Words can’t describe how much I love you guys. You’ve accepted me as your own and have truly brightened my otherwise dim existence. I’m sorry that I had to leave so abruptly, but I was given an opportunity that’s only offered once in a lifetime and I had to take it. Please understand that I never wanted to hurt any of you, but I know that my decision has rendered that fact unavoidable. Chase was and will always be the love of my life. Believe me when I say there will be no one else. My heart simply will never allow it.

  Carrie—Our talks were amazing. You took me in as a daughter-in-law even though I never truly was. You are a wonderful mom and your guidance and the love you have shown me these last two years will stick with me for the rest of my life. For this, I am thankful.

  Jim—Your sense of humor and quirkiness are irresistible. I will always remember the laughs you extracted from me every time I visited your home. I’ll look upon our time together fondly.

  MaKayla—You will always be my sister. I’m sorry I left the way I did. I will never forget you. You are an amazingly talented singer and beautiful woman to boot. I’m sure your talents will take you far. Please look after your brother for me as I have a feeling he’ll need a shoulder to cry on in the next coming weeks. In my mind and heart you will always remain.

  Love,

  Celaine

  I wrote one final letter to Chase even though I knew I’d be seeing him one final time before I left. Somehow, I didn’t think I would be in all that great a shape to completely express my feelings when I see the look of sheer pain in his eyes. More than likely, my goodbye to him would consist of a hug and me running away before I changed my mind about this whole thing.

  Chase:

  Right now you’re probably experiencing a whole slew of emotions. I just hope that the negative ones don’t supersede the positive. I love you more than I can ever express and more than you’ll ever truly get to know. Meeting you was the best thing that ever happened to me. You were my only light, my only love. My time with you was the happiest time of my life. I wish with all my heart that I could tell you where I was or what I was doing, but it’s impossible for me to do so. I know this must sound like complete BS or even a cop-out to you, but it’s not. You will always have my heart but, with that said, I also want you to be happy. For that to happen, you must move on with your life. As much as it pains me to think about it, please do so. I wish you nothing but the very best that life has in store. I always knew you’d make an excellent doctor, one my father would have been proud to have on his staff.

  Please don’t hate me for what I’ve done.

  I Will Love You Forever,

  Celaine

  As soon as I signed my name to that letter, I ran to the bathroom and threw up. The thought of Chase moving on was a little more than I could bear right now. I reached up from my position on the floor and flushed the toilet. Pulling myself up off the floor, I stood up to rinse out my mouth and wash my hands. The sickness didn’t go away nor did I picture it leaving anytime soon. Although not complete remedies, fresh air and solitude would do me some good right now. In this city, I knew there was only one place I could get both of them.

  It was late in the afternoon when I walked through the menacing steel gates surrounding the grounds of the cemetery. A basket of flowers in various shades of pink—my mother’s favorite color—dangled from my fingers. I passed the parade of headstones, mausoleums, stone angels, a virtual garden of flowers and a plethora of ferns in all different sizes and shapes. A moment later, I reached the familiar rosette and sichuan marble stones situated in the shade of an elm tree. On a near regular basis, I visited their gravesites. As painful as it was, being here also gave me a strange sense of peace. To be able to touch something tangible associated with them again was strangely comforting. A wilted basket of flowers that I’d brought on my last visit a few weeks prior hung precariously on a hook between my parents’ and brother’s stones. Grasping the handle of the new basket of flowers between my fingers, I removed the wilted ones, replacing them with the new.

  It was blisteringly hot outside, but the shade the elm provided was somewhat of a welcome oasis. Taking a seat in the grass, I sat staring at each stone, at each blade of grass, at nothing. For what seemed like hours, I sat there in the grass running my hand along the stones, wanting nothing more than to speak with them but coming up short of words. Only after I finally began speaking did the words come surprisingly easy.

  “I can’t express to you how much I miss you. If you’re listening now, I want you to know that I’ve been given the opportunity to keep the promise I made to you ten years ago. I just hope that I can make you proud of me, that I’m able to stop that monster so this doesn’t have to happen again. So that another daughter doesn’t have to sit and stare at the headstones of her family while making the same promises to them. Thank you for bringing Chase and his family into my life. They almost accomplished the impossible; they almost replaced you. This wasn’t fair; it never should have happened. Not only were your lives destroyed but, now, so is mine. I’ll make it right again… for the both of us. I love you.”

  With the wilted flowers in hand, I walked back through the cemetery gates, disposing of them in a trash receptacle before walking back out onto the sidewalk. If I hadn’t already made up my mind, that visit most certainly would have been my final affirmation. This was the path my life needed to take. It was the one I’d always been destined to take. The path would be a rough, unpaved path filled with bumps and unforeseen turns, but it was my path to take and no one else’s. I strolled down the sidewalk almost without purpose before realizing that there was one last place to visit before heading home.

  Erected on the site of the parking ramp was The Lakes Remembrance Memorial Park; a beautiful homage to those whose lives had been lost there. It was elaborate, to say the least, featuring a man-made river running through its entirety, surrounded by weeping willows, evergreens and ferns. There was an abundance of rose bushes as well as other species of flowers, the likes of which I couldn’t even begin to identify.

  I wandered aimlessly through the splendor of the park, admiring the beauty around me, thankful that not too many other people had picked tonight to come here. Crickets were chirping their nightly lullaby signaling that dusk was fast approaching. Ahead of me stood a bridge, bowing over the river in an arc. I walked over to it, stopping in the mi
ddle, and leaned against the railing to watch the water lazily flowing by, wishing I could stay in the tranquility of the moment forever.

  In the center of the park stood a black marble memorial wall etched with the names of all 104 victims of The Lakes tragedy. I walked up to the wall, gingerly running my fingers over the names of strangers until coming to those of my family: Dr. George Stevens, Carol Stevens and Jacob Stevens.

  Despite the fact that the park was ripe with esthetically pleasing tributes, the piece de resistance of the park, in my opinion, were the 104 eternal flame candles scattered throughout it. One for each victim of The Lakes explosion. The candles’ glow kept the memory of them burning in the minds of all who visited. With the fall of dusk, the glow of the flames lit the way for me as I exited the park back to the street.

  Stars appeared overhead, a sight that I would never tire of. Even before Chase came into the picture, I would lay in the grass staring at them, pondering the reason for my existence. Within the first five minutes of meeting the Matthews, I thought I’d found it. But, after the events of the last few days, I was beginning to realize that my whole life had been just a stepping stone leading me to it.

  My cell phone rang. It was Chase. Had it been a week ago, I would have jumped at the opportunity to speak with him. Now, given what I had to do, the thought of hearing his voice was too painful for me. How was I going to look in him in the eye and lie to him by telling him that I didn’t want him anymore? I knew that telling him that was going to be the only way he would ever accept me breaking up with him. Chase would follow me to the ends of the Earth if he knew it would make me happy. The only way to prevent him from following me would be to make him think I would be happier without him. He wouldn’t understand. His heart and mine were going to be broken tomorrow night with the damage, at least to me, being irreparable.

  I walked down the long hallway to my apartment, finding a note from Chase taped to my door. It hadn’t surprised me that he’d stopped by. When he wasn’t at the hospital or studying, he was at my apartment. Honestly, I had no idea what his fixation was with me. I was mediocre at best; clumsy and the average form of pretty that honestly couldn’t be mistaken for beautiful. I slumped in my chair, checking the voice mail he’d left for me on my phone. There was a hint of worry in his voice as he enquired about my whereabouts and whether or not I was all right. It wasn’t like me to not answer my phone.

  The familiar sickness returned to my stomach, making me aware that whatever strength I could muster to speak to Chase would surely be lost upon hearing his voice. No, texting him was the only safe form of communication right now.

  Was at the cemetery. Sorry I missed your call. Going to bed. See you tomorrow. Love you.

  A few seconds later I received his reply message:

  If you need to talk, call me anytime. Sweet dreams, beautiful. I love you more than you can fathom.

  My eyes began to water; my strength was gone. Tomorrow would be the second worst day of my life.

  Chapter Eleven

  The Unforeseen Goodbye

  The day of contradictions was here. Questions poured relentlessly through my head like a steady rain. Would I get to bring anything from my apartment? What would become of my belongings? What about my lease? I had another six months left on it and, knowing how management was around here, I knew that there was no way they would let me out of it early.

  In the ten years since my family’s death, there hadn’t been a moment in my life I hadn’t been in complete control over, and this inability to steer my life now didn’t set well with me. I preferred being the pilot, not the passenger. With a sigh, I looked around my apartment, reluctantly resigning myself to the fact that Blake or his superiors probably had everything already figured out for me and there was nothing I could do about it either way. All I had to do was make a choice and then sit back and enjoy the ride.

  Tonight, I would be putting on the performance of a lifetime. In a haze, I sat on the edge of my bathtub, turning the steel knob with a noticeably shaky hand until water began flowing out of the faucet. My apartment complex’s plumbing wasn’t exactly up-to-date in that its water heater was grossly inadequate in effectively supplying hot water to every unit. In essence, it was a toss-up whether or not your bathing experience was going to be an enjoyable one. I ran my hand under the faucet realizing, as warm water flowed over it, that I’d won the toss today.

  I lay in the tub with my head resting against its fiberglass backing, eyeing the black dress I’d selected to wear to tonight’s dinner at Angelo‘s. It was one of the very few dresses I owned and, from this day forward, it would be forever known to me as the symbol of the end of my relationship. In my head I attempted to contemplate the right words to use to break someone’s heart. Were there right words? My guess was that I already knew the answer to that.

  I raised my arm out of the tub, watching as the droplets of water cascaded down my skin, journeying toward my shoulder. At that moment, I was in a hypnotic state. It was as though the world suddenly stood still and my mind was left to wander to the mysterious Blake Cohen. I wondered where he was, whether or not he was waiting for me outside my apartment, and if he would follow me to the restaurant.

  Time ticked away in slow motion as I dried off and slipped the dress over my head. Chase loved this dress on me. I could tell by the way his eyes nearly fell out of his head every time he saw me in it. It would be his last vision of me, and I wanted to make it as memorable as possible. I looked at myself in the mirror with the knowledge that, after tonight, it would be a sight I wouldn’t be able to stomach anymore. I would be a shattered soul whose pieces would never again fit together as solidly as they once had. Chase was the only person out there who could possibly make me whole. Without him, I would only be half alive, and that was a reflection of themselves that no one should have to see in the mirror.

  The necklace, my precious Matthews’ family heirloom, lay on my night stand. To see the look on Chase’s face when I slipped that necklace off my neck would be devastating. Until the necklace came off, he would probably think my breaking up with him was just some kind of twisted joke. The minute he saw the necklace in my hand, however, he would know that I was serious. Giving it back would destroy him.

  I grabbed the letters to Lucy and the rest of the Matthews family and headed out the door. With an unsteady hand, I placed them in the archaic, bronze mail slot in the lobby of my apartment building. When I heard them hitting the bottom of the box, a sickening feeling overcame me, making my knees weak. This was really happening, and there was no turning back now. My thoughts turned to Lucy and the Matthews as they read those letters. Carrie, Jim, and MaKayla would probably already know of the breakup beforehand, but the letter would still shock them nonetheless.

  I took a deep breath before stepping outside. Angelo’s was five blocks down the street from my apartment, but it may as well have been five miles. The further down the block I walked, the more I thought my legs would give out. With every step I took, I felt as though I would collapse to the sidewalk. So, it was nothing short of a surprise to me when I looked up and realized that I was standing with both feet firmly planted on the ground in front of the entrance to Angelo‘s. My eyes stared at the door for what seemed like a half century before my weakened, jelly-like hand clasped the handle, and I finally allowed myself to walk into the building.

  He would already be in there waiting for me. Knowing Chase, he’d arrived ten minutes prior. We were polar opposites in that respect. More often than not, I was late for appointments, dates, or whatever else had a set arrival time attached to it.

  Angelo’s was positively gorgeous. A virtual diamond in the rough, it was noticeably out of place in the sea of abandoned buildings, cracked sidewalks and graffiti-covered concrete. I stood for a moment admiring its opulence before taking in a deep breath and striding across the marble laden floor to the front desk.

  “Welcome to Angelo’s, Madame. How may I assist you this fine evening?” asked the port
ly man behind the desk, whose uniform probably cost more than my entire wardrobe.

  “My name is Celaine Stevens. I’m here with Chase Matthews.”

  “Ah, yes. The young doctor. You’re just as beautiful as he made you out to be. We have a special table set up for you this evening. Right this way.” He motioned for me to follow him, and I couldn’t help but think that he was leading me to my doom. Perhaps it was all in my head, or maybe it was because the employees get paid extra to slather on the butter to appease the egos of their usual clientele, but I could swear there was an extra glimmer in the maitre d’s eyes and a I-know-something-you-don’t smile on his face as he led me to the table.

  I’d never been inside Angelo’s before. My finances ensured that from happening. Now that I finally had the chance to admire it from the inside, I couldn’t help but notice the elegant, distinctly regal theme it exuded. Walking through the dining hall, I found myself encased in dark purple, the color of royalty. From the table cloths to the curtains, from the wall treatments to the carpeting, the theme prevailed. In the middle of the restaurant’s cathedral ceiling hung a beautiful crystal chandelier adding to the holier-than-thou attitude permeating the atmosphere. Why Chase chose to bring me here was beyond my comprehension.

  It seemed like a lifetime before we finally reached the table where Chase was seated near the back of the restaurant. The table donned a beautiful setting complete with candelabras and fresh flowers in various shades of violets and deep pinks. I stole a quick glimpse at the other tables nearby and couldn’t help but notice that our table was strangely more put together than the rest. He’d really outdone himself, but why? It wasn’t our anniversary or my birthday. Maybe he received a promotion and this was his idea of a celebration. The way he was dressed was also very unlike him, and he made me look like somewhat of a bum. Rarely did Chase dress up. He always said that the only thing ties were good for was for hanging yourself. But here he was, in a suit coat and a tie, looking as though he’d just stepped out of the pages of a magazine.