Jason had no idea what he wanted from Ben, but it was only a text. It was something. He opened the app and stared at the empty narrow box, then typed and retyped and stared some more.
And some more.
Finally he hit the blue arrow and sent a message:
Hi. Just wanted to tell you we’re home. Hope everything there is cool.
Cringing as he reread it, he wished he could reach into cyberspace and yank it back. “Cool”? Why had he said cool? He might as well have just called Ben “bro” or something equally lame.
Should he have included an emoticon? Maybe he should send a smiley face on its own? No. Too…something. Jesus, this man had been inside Jason’s ass and Jason was going to send him a smiley face? No, definitely not the right message.
But what is the message? What am I trying to say? What do I want him to say?
His breath caught as the wavering three dots appeared on screen, indicating Ben was typing. A moment later, he realized it was the middle of the night in Montana. “Shit,” he muttered, waiting for the message to arrive. “He’s probably telling me I’m an asshole for waking him up and—”
So glad to hear it. Are you okay?
Jason typed with clumsy thumbs.
Yep. Sorry to wake you. Guess I’m jet lagged or something.
He waited for the response. He should have used an emoticon this time. But which one? A wink? A plain smile? Or he could find a gif…
No prob. Glad you’re okay. Keep me posted.
Hmm. What did that really mean? Was Ben just being polite? He was totally just being polite. Or maybe he was trying to be chill and not pressure him? That seemed like something Ben would do since Jason had told him he needed time.
There was so much Jason wanted to say, but he had to let Ben get back to sleep, so he typed:
Will do. Thanks.
He stared at his phone for a few minutes, but there was nothing else from Ben. Which made sense since it was the middle of the night. And maybe Ben was having second thoughts. They lived so far apart, and now that the adrenaline rush of what they’d shared was wearing off, maybe the reality that they’d only just met was setting in.
Maybe, maybe, maybe.
The pale light of dawn brightened the gleaming floors as Jason finished mopping and sat heavily on the side of the futon. His muscles ached, but as soon as he stopped moving and cleaning, his mind filled once more with endless questions and futile longing.
Should I let my parents help? What’s Ben doing right now? Is he sleeping again? What does his bedroom look like? Is it right to make things as normal as possible for Maggie? What if I’m doing it all wrong? I don’t know what I’m doing.
“You’re awake already.”
Jason jerked his head up from his hands to find Maggie outside her room. She rubbed her eyes and said, “You hardly ever get up before I do. You don’t have to work today, do you?” Her voice rose slightly. “Am I going to the Y?”
He smiled, shoving everything else away. “No, not today. Work is letting me take a few sick days, so I don’t have to go back until next week. I thought we could hang out and get settled back in. Then you can go to day camp Monday if you want.”
What if it’s too much for her? What if it’s too much for me? I don’t want her out of my sight. Who’s going to look after her? I have to work, and I already paid the day camp fees. Can’t afford a sitter. The utility bill is due, and my Visa will be way higher than normal, and she needs new clothes for school in September, and what if the insurance screws me on the hospital bills and—
“Okay. That sounds good.” She padded into the bathroom and shut the door.
Jason rubbed his face, willing his brain to shut off. Sleep wasn’t going to happen, so once Maggie was done, he turned on the coffee machine and had a long, hot shower. Not bothering to shave, he pulled on sweatpants and a T-shirt and grabbed the recycling and another couple bags of clutter he’d sorted through. There were always junk collectors coming by to grab stuff left by the garbage bins outside the building.
“Mags, I’m taking this stuff down. Be back soon. I took a loaf of bread out of the freezer for toast, and there’s peanut butter in the cupboard.”
Chirping birds greeted him, the day already hot. His flip-flops slapped on the concrete as he headed around the side of the building to where the garbage and recycling bins sat.
“Mr. Kellerman!” A tall woman, immaculately coifed and dressed in a power suit, strode toward him.
“Jesus!” He almost spilled the stupid recycling again, this time only a plastic bottle rolling out.
The woman smiled. “Sorry to startle you.”
He eyed her warily as he dumped the cans and bottles into the bin with a crash. “It’s fine. Can I help you?”
“You can. I’m Elizabeth Wheeler with People Magazine. America needs to hear your story, Mr. Kellerman. A story of bravery and courage and a father’s love—”
“No. Look, we don’t want to be interviewed. We don’t want to be on TV, and we don’t want to be in People. Please leave us alone.”
“But yours is such an inspiring story.” She was the picture of sympathy and understanding, her voice soothing. “Just think of the good you can do other families out there who’ve been in similar situations.”
Jason barked out a laugh. “With all due respect, I think our situation was pretty unique. You’ll have to find someone else to inspire the world.”
She kept her calm tone as if speaking to a skittish animal. “You’re turning down a lot of money, Jason. Money that could help send your daughter to college.”
He couldn’t deny the temptation and hated himself for it. He shoved away the thought of how much easier money would make things. “So I exploit her now for her own good later?”
Elizabeth Wheeler chuckled as if that was silly nonsense. “Our interview would be done with the utmost sensitivity, I assure you. How is Maggie? The public wants to know.”
“The public will just have to mind their own business.” He dumped the rest of the bags and tried to sidestep her.
Blocking his path, she sighed and lowered her voice conspiratorially. “Look, Jason. I’m trying to help you. The payment my editor has approved for an exclusive interview and photoshoot is extremely generous.” She held up a folder. “I have the paperwork all signed and ready to go. You’d have a direct bank deposit in your account before noon. But this is a one-time offer. Maggie won’t be a hot topic next week.”
A hot flush of disgust filled him. He managed to keep his voice low and steady, over enunciating. “My daughter is not a topic to be dissected.” He walked around Elizabeth Wheeler of People Magazine, scraping his arm on the brick wall as she tried to block his path again.
She called after him, her heels striking the concrete like a volley of gunshots. He ignored her, jamming his key in the lock of the outer door and yanking it shut in her face behind him. Her gentle façade cracked, sharp words clear through the glass door in the lobby.
“I’m sure Ben Hettler will be happy to take our money for an exclusive. Don’t be a fool, Jason.”
He resisted the urge to give her the finger and took the stairs, breathing hard and struggling to control his anger as he ran up the steps two at a time. On the landing of the top floor, he leaned against the wall and breathed deeply.
It was true—if he agreed, he wouldn’t have to worry nearly so much about money or Maggie’s future. But at what cost? Trotting Maggie out in some dog and pony show, making her relive the terror she’d suffered with Harlan Brown for the prurient reading pleasure of America?
No, he wouldn’t do that to her. He wouldn’t make her a spectacle.
And there was no way Ben would ever agree to an interview either. Jason didn’t even have to wonder, the certainty as solid as the wall at his back. He’d trusted Ben with his and Maggie’s lives, and he trusted him now.
Missing Ben was a visceral pang. Had it only been a day and a half since he’d seen him? It felt like an eternity eve
n though he imagined he could still smell the sweat and sex on Ben’s skin as they’d pressed together so close, before Jason had freaked out.
Pushing off the wall he gave his head a shake. Enough. He had to focus on Maggie. He realized he was clutching his keys so hard his palm was almost bleeding. He took another few breaths before going into the hallway.
“Hey, Jason. You guys are back.” Joe Morton, his middle-aged neighbor two doors down stood by the elevator. “How are you doing? How’s Maggie? We were really worried.”
“She’s good, thanks.”
“Glad to hear it. Good to have you home.” The elevator doors opened, and he stepped in, calling back, “Let me know if you need anything.”
“We’re fine, but thanks.”
They were home, and everything would go back to normal. Jason just wished he knew if “normal” was what they really needed.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
As the engine drone grew louder, Ben braced himself, pushing to his feet, his dad’s rocking chair creaking behind him. The old wood of the porch was starting to split, and he ran a bare toe along a crack. The whole cabin needed renovations, but he hadn’t mustered the enthusiasm necessary since he’d moved in after his life with Brad blew up.
A jeep rounded the bend, and he exhaled in relief at the sight of Dee’s vehicle. He was ready to get the shotgun out if reporters didn’t stop pestering. At least he could block numbers on his phone, although the reporter from People had called four times from different numbers. Ben had thought it a good thing that the cabin was close enough to the main road into Kalispell to get cell service, but now he missed the days when the cabin was cut off from the world.
Granted, he was checking his phone every five minutes to make sure Jason hadn’t called.
He hadn’t.
The longing was barbed and vicious, and Ben hoped it wouldn’t be too long before it faded into something manageable. It had only been three days, so he had to be patient, but he wished he could hibernate and wake up in the future where he didn’t miss Jason and Maggie with every beat of his useless heart.
When Dee climbed out of the jeep, wearing her uniform pants but having swapped her button-up shirt for a Grateful Dead concert tee, he pasted on a smile. “You lost? I have a map if you need it.”
She pulled out several large Tupperware containers from the back seat and walked up onto the porch. “You need fattening up, Hettler.” She passed him without waiting for an invitation.
“Come on in.” Ben followed her into the kitchen of his cabin, the screen door bouncing shut behind him. “You know, I can feed myself.”
Dee grunted and opened the fridge. “It would help to have some actual food then. With vegetables and everything.”
“Okay, okay. Thank you. Have a beer and relax.”
Already twisting the cap off a bottle, Dee smiled. “Don’t mind if I do.” She headed back onto the porch.
Ben shuffled around his impressive condiment collection and container of chili he’d defrosted and had only picked at. Beer took up most of the bottom shelf of the fridge. He neatly stacked the Tupperware containers and closed the door after grabbing himself a bottle.
The cabin was basically one room with a toilet and bedroom opening off to the side. His couch was worn and the old wildlife paintings faded. He really did need to spruce the place up, but…later. Maybe after the summer, when work wasn’t as busy. Not that he was working at the moment, much to his chagrin.
He paused at the wobbly kitchen table, fingertips gliding over the heavy books he’d piled there, guilt and deep need battling. No, he wouldn’t let himself look at what was underneath. Dee was waiting.
On the porch, Dee rocked in the other chair, which was newer and still had a gleaming polish on the dark wood. She pulled a bag of party mix out of a canvas tote by her feet and tore it open. “I didn’t only bring healthy crap. I’m not a complete monster.”
Chuckling, Ben eased into his rocker and reached into the bag for a handful of cheese twists, nacho chips, and pretzels. “Thanks.”
He gazed out at the trees. The sun was still high in the early evening sky, the air calm and warm. But before they knew it, the long summer days would pass and temperatures would drop. The thought of another lonely winter in the cabin constricted his chest.
“How are you holding up?” Dee asked.
“Fine. I’d be better if I could get back to work. This leave of absence Brad ordered is ridiculous.”
She sipped her beer. “Well, I don’t agree with the schmuck on a lot of things, but he’s right on this one. I know you don’t want to hear it, but you need some time to get your ducks in a row after what you went through. You’re getting paid to relax. So relax already. You’ll be back in no time.”
“I don’t need to relax!” He realized he was almost shouting, and took a deep breath.
Dee pushed up her round glasses on her nose. “Clearly.”
Ben had to laugh, the pressure easing. “Okay, so I’m a bit tense. I’m going stir crazy sitting around doing nothing. Any exciting gossip from the office?”
“You mean since the psycho killer kidnapped a little girl and you and her father heroically—if somewhat foolishly—went on a rescue mission?”
He laughed. “Nothing’s happened to top it?”
“The guard rail on route twelve needs repairs and we had to give a camper a stern talking-to for playing loud music over at the Nettle Creek site.”
“These are crazy times we live in.”
They drank and munched, watching a chipmunk scurry across the small lawn to scratch at something by a tree stump. Then Dee asked, “Have you spoken to Jason?”
He shrugged, going for careless and probably landing on spastic. “Not really. Just a few texts.” Stilted, awkward texts that made him cringe every time he looked at them, which was too often.
“So you’re going to pretend you’re fine with that?”
“That’s the plan.”
Dee pulled the elastic off her ponytail and let her graying hair hang loose. “Fake it ’til you make it, huh?”
“Something like that. It shouldn’t even bother me. I only knew him and Maggie a week.”
“Hell of a week, though. It’s okay to care.”
He peeled off a strip from the damp label of his beer bottle. “You know what they say about relationships based on intense experiences. They don’t last.”
Dee smirked. “Yeah, I saw Speed. I think Sandra suggests they base it on sex instead. He’s a handsome young man. That could work out.”
Ben’s laugh was hollow. “I don’t know. I think I scared him off. Besides, Jason and Maggie live on the other side of the country. They have their life, and I have mine.”
“Mmm.”
“Jason has to put Maggie first. I understand that.”
You’re not a father.
Jason’s words echoed through Ben’s mind, and he wished they didn’t hurt so much.
“Well, of course. But you’re great with kids. I bet she adores you. I don’t see why it has to be one or the other. Have you tried to reach out again?”
“He said he needs time. I don’t want to pressure him. Things got…intimate, and I think he regrets it. So if he wants time, I’m giving it to him.” He had to be patient. If he pushed too hard, that could be the end of it.
Tensing, he rocked to his feet, reaching for Dee’s empty bottle. “Refill?” Not waiting for an answer, he strode inside, twisting off the caps of two fresh beers and taking a calming gulp of his before returning.
Dee was leafing through a glossy parks brochure, and Ben craned his neck to read the cover. “Yosemite? Planning a trip with Paul and the kids?”
“Was thinking about it, although the kids are probably too busy with college now to vacation with Mom and Dad. I hear they’ve got great programs down there and they want to be even more progressive. They’re hiring a new head ranger.”
“Are they?” He snorted. “Subtle, Dee. Real subtle.”
“I
thought so.” She put the brochure on the table between them and popped a pretzel into her mouth.
Ben thumbed through the glossy pages. Unsurprisingly, Yosemite looked like one of the most gorgeous places on earth. He peered at a picture of a crystal-clear lake, mountains rising above it into blue sky. Similar to what he enjoyed in Montana, but new and different. Maybe it was just what he needed.
What about Jason? Yosemite isn’t any closer to Philadelphia. Maybe I should wait and see what happens with him first.
Dee said, “Change isn’t easy, but it can’t hurt to look into the position. I know a few people in the main office down there. I could make some inquiries.”
He took another gulp of beer. “Okay.” Butterflies flapped in his belly. Hell, he probably wouldn’t even get the job, but he’d apply for it. It wasn’t a commitment to simply send his resume. He’d been putting off too many things for too long. It would be too easy to stay in his rut and let another opportunity pass by.
“And if you want to know what I think—”
“Have I ever had a choice?”
Dee grinned. “Nope.” Her smile faded. “I think if you and Jason Kellerman have something special, you should go for it. You’ve got nothing to lose.”
He picked up a pretzel and toyed with it. “I don’t have the right to pressure him. He was overwhelmed. It’s understandable.”
“Sure it is. It was a lot to process. But you can help him. Help that sweet little girl. Help yourself while you’re at it. I’m sure you can list a whole bunch of excuses about why you shouldn’t even try. He’s younger, he lives far away—”
“I have to respect his wishes. I asked him to keep me posted.”
Dee screwed up her face. “Gee, that sounds romantic.”
“What was I supposed to say? ‘My life is empty without you, my sweet flower glowing with morning dew’?”
She swigged her beer. “You can’t do much worse than ‘keep me posted.’ I’m just saying.” Dee dropped the teasing tone. “I hate seeing you give up.”
Ends of the Earth: Gay Romance Page 17