I had sex.
He could hardly believe it had happened, but he could feel where Ben had pushed his cock inside, where their bodies had joined. Despite already coming twice, his groin tightened. He hadn’t known sex could be like that. Hadn’t known it could peel away every one of his layers of protection and leave him a nerve exposed at the root. Hadn’t known something could be so incredible and terrifying at the same time.
Sweat prickled the back of his neck. Shit, he’d run out on Ben, who was good and kind and deserved better. And he’d been reckless, so selfish in leaving Maggie for even a minute. And now his parents were back, and, and, and—
“Jason?”
Heart hammering, he shot to his feet, barely catching the chair before it crashed. He stared at Ben, who stood in shadow, backlit in the shaft of light from the hall.
Ben came closer, that concern etched on his handsome face once again. He peered down at Maggie, who was still asleep. “Is she all right?”
Jason jerked out a nod.
“Then what’s wrong?” he whispered. “You look like you’re going to fly out of your skin.” He reached out, but Jason staggered back, shaking his head. Ben lifted his hands in surrender. “I’m sorry. I just want to talk.”
With a long look at Maggie, Jason led the way into the bathroom, both of them blinking in the sudden glare as he switched on the light. Ben pulled the door halfway shut and took a deep breath, his shoulders hitching.
“I realize you probably don’t want to see me right now, but I just had to make sure Maggie was okay.”
“She is now. She was freaking out wondering where I was.”
“Shit.”
Ben scrubbed a hand through his hair, and a thrill of excitement zipped through Jason as he remembered the sensation of those long fingers inside him. In the small bathroom, Ben’s scent filled Jason’s nose—clean like hotel soap, but still musky and tangy like pine. Jason wanted to rub against him at the same time he wished he could retreat and turn off these new feelings.
“I’m sorry about what happened. It’s been a long time since I was with a virgin—or an almost-virgin—and I thought I went slowly enough. Was I too impatient? Did I hurt you?”
Jason studied the simple tile pattern under his sneakers. “No.”
“Obviously I did something wrong. Will you please tell me?”
“It wasn’t anything you did.”
“You can’t even look at me.”
Jason raised his head then, wishing he knew the right thing to say as he looked into Ben’s beseeching eyes. “You didn’t do anything wrong. It was just…”
“Because I’m a man?”
“No. It’s not that. I’m gay. I know that’s the truth. It’s all the other things. My parents want to take over, and I just got Maggie back, and everything is changing too fast.”
“Wait, your parents?”
He could still hardly believe it was true. “They’re here. They said they’re sorry. That they want to help and were worried about us when they saw the news.”
Ben’s brows rose. “Wow. I wasn’t expecting that. Obviously you weren’t either.”
“Or Maggie. They just showed up, like, ‘Hey, it’s Grandma and Grandpa! We’re here to take care of everything!’ And I wasn’t here. She was with a room full of strangers, so upset and scared, and I was with you because I’m selfish.”
Leaning forward, Ben implored, “You’re not. Jason, you said Maggie told you to go. That she didn’t want to be smothered. You weren’t gone that long, and you had no way of knowing your parents would show up. You can’t see the future. You can’t be with her every second of every day. You’re allowed to have time to yourself. To have your own feelings. Your own desires.”
“But this is what happens!” Jason took a shuddery breath and lowered his voice again. “I was distracted with you on the trail. Attracted to you and flirting, and I gave that son of a bitch the chance to grab her.”
“She was out of sight for maybe thirty seconds. And today…” His face creased. “I’m sorry if I pressured you. That was the last thing I wanted to do.”
Jason’s stomach clenched to see Ben’s stricken expression. “No. You didn’t, not at all.”
“I feel sick to think that I took advantage or—”
“You really didn’t. You asked me a bunch of times, and I said yes. When I left I was freaking, but you didn’t talk me into anything. I wanted to be with you. I wanted to have sex. I made that choice. Just like I chose to be a father and dedicate my life to Maggie. I have to focus on her. I was selfish today, and I can’t let that happen again.”
“But you don’t have to do it on your own. Let me help you. Let me take care of you. I can—”
“I’m not a kid!” Jason shouted, anger suddenly flaring white hot, his parents’ overbearing voices ricocheting through his head. “Just because you’re older… I don’t—I can’t…” He clenched his fists, a riot of emotions tangled on his tongue. “I don’t need you to take care of me. I’m an adult.”
“I didn’t mean it like that.” Ben lifted his hands, then dropped them. “I’m not saying anything right.”
Jason’s anger simmered into a stew of guilt, confusion, and fear that carved out a hollow calm and realization.
A resolution.
“I’m taking Maggie home tomorrow. She needs familiar surroundings. She needs normalcy. So do I. This has all been too much. My parents said there’s a flight, and I’ll let them take us. Then we’re going home to our apartment, where we can be together, and everything will be okay again. Then I’ll be able to think.”
Ben looked as if he wanted to argue, but nodded instead. “What about you and me?”
“I don’t know. I guess we have to be realistic. You live here. I live across the country. We barely know each other, right?”
“Is that really how you feel? That you don’t know me?”
Jason fidgeted. Ben’s steady, patient gaze bore into him. “I’m not sure what I feel. I need time to work this all out. It’s too much. I have to get Maggie home. She’s my priority. She always has been, and she always will be. You’re not a father. You don’t understand.”
Sucking in a breath, Ben’s spine straightened. He dropped his gaze, voice gravelly. “You’re right. I’m not.”
Damn it. “I’m sorry. I’m the one saying everything wrong. I’m not trying to hurt you. You’ve done so much for me and Maggie. Hurting you is the last thing I want.” He yearned to close the distance between them, but he had to be strong. He couldn’t let Maggie down again. He’d almost lost her, and he had to get her home safely and make everything the way it was.
“Can we still talk? Text, anything?”
“Of course.” The idea of not talking to Ben again seemed impossible. “I just need some time right now.”
Adam’s apple bobbing, Ben asked in a rough voice, “Can I kiss you?”
Jason could only nod, the urge to melt into his arms overwhelming as their lips met, Ben’s callused palm cupping his cheek. But it was only a moment of sweet pressure before Ben stepped back, dropping his hands.
“Call me if you need anything, Jason. Anything. If nothing else, I want to be friends.”
Then he was gone.
Leaning back against the white tiles, Jason squeezed his eyes shut, a desperate need to call Ben back clawing up. But it was all too much—almost losing Maggie, discovering himself with Ben, his parents’ sudden appearance after eight long years. Everything was changing too fast. He couldn’t keep up. Couldn’t breathe.
An inch at a time, Jason’s lungs expanded, and he gasped for air until the threat of burning tears passed and he was in control again.
Maggie closed her eyes as Ben left the bathroom. She was pretty sure he was standing right by her bed, but she was afraid he’d be mad if he knew she was awake, so she didn’t move until she heard his boots walk out of the room and down the hall.
She hadn’t meant to spy.
But she’d woken up thirsty,
and she’d seen Dad and Ben in the bathroom mirror through the half-open door. She didn’t hear what they said, but she saw them kiss. It wasn’t that long, but it was a grown-up kiss.
Was Dad gay like Mrs. Wexler? Why hadn’t he said anything? And why did he and Ben look so sad? She loved Ben, and if he and Dad liked each other, why weren’t they happy about it?
He was in there a long time, but he was out of sight of the mirror. Finally she heard the taps run and water splash, and the light went off. She closed her eyes, wondering if she should ask him about kissing Ben.
But she couldn’t figure out the right words, and soon she was sleepy again, listening to him breathe in the chair beside her. She’d ask when it was a better time.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
“Ah, it’s…lovely.”
Jason bit back a sardonic laugh. His mother was trying, she really was. He peered out of the Town Car at the four-story apartment building where he and Maggie lived on the top floor. It certainly wasn’t lovely, but it was safe and clean despite the aged, brown brick and dated seventies style, one of the white letters missing in the old sign over the front door proclaiming the building The H velock instead of Havelock.
The flight had been delayed, so it was after midnight when the driver pulled up at the curb. Maggie sat between Jason and his mother, his father in the front. Jason held Maggie’s hand, and she still slept on his shoulder as the driver got out to unload their suitcases and take them into the vestibule.
“We’d love to have you over for dinner,” Robert said, twisting around in his seat. “And please think about the therapist.”
Jason nodded. “I will. I… Thank you for the flight and dropping us off. I appreciate it.”
“Of course. We want to help in any way we can. Jason, there’s so much—” Shelly broke off. “I don’t want to push. I know we don’t have the right. But if you need anything, please call.” She gazed down at Maggie. “She’s wonderful, you know. You’ve done so well, darling. We’d really like to know her. To know both of you.”
“We just need some time. This has all been…a lot.” He gently squeezed Maggie’s hand before letting go to unbuckle her and give her a gentle shake. “Mags, we’re home. Come on.”
“Hmm? Okay.” She blinked blearily at her grandparents. “Um, bye.”
“Sleep well. We hope we’ll see you soon.” Shelly reached out and awkwardly patted Maggie’s knee.
Walking back into their building after more strained goodbyes, Jason dragged the suitcases and cooler and pressed the elevator call button. The cables groaned as it descended. He could see the Town Car still idling at the curb in the mirrored wall by the elevator. It was utterly surreal that he’d spent the day with his parents, full of stilted small talk about the weather and airplane food, although the fare in first class wasn’t bad at all.
Utterly surreal that days ago he’d been in the middle of the wilderness, desperately searching for Maggie, and now they were home again. Everything looked the same, but he felt like imposters. When they’d left home, they’d had no idea what was coming. Their lives had been neat and orderly, and Jason wanted to escape back to that easier time. But there’d be no Ben, and that thought ached.
The back of his neck prickled with his parents’ gaze as he and Maggie got on the elevator with their luggage. Jason jabbed the fourth floor, then the close-door button repeatedly. With a clunk and mechanical whine, they traveled up, safely alone again.
Alone. He’d told Ben he needed time, but how long would it take for Jason to get back to normal? To work through this thorny tangle of emotions?
Inside the apartment, he abandoned their stuff by the door, throwing the two extra bolts and turning on the main overhead light as Maggie shuffled to the bathroom, still half asleep. Her lung congestion had mostly cleared, but she was sleeping a lot, which Dr. Sharma had said to expect.
They’d only been gone less than two weeks, but the apartment felt stuffy and strange. He’d left the thin curtains closed against the heat, and pushed one aside now to slide open the window. The humid night air carried a hint of a cool breeze, and with the ceiling fan, it was usually enough for Jason to sleep.
He peered around the small apartment, imagining seeing it through his parents’ eyes. A narrow galley kitchen to the left of the front door, the old fridge humming faithfully, magnets covering it haphazardly, some holding up Maggie’s artwork from day camp.
Then a bathroom and hall closet where Jason kept his clothes, and the one bedroom, Maggie’s secondhand wood-framed bed dominating the small space. Jason tugged off his shoes and took Maggie’s suitcase in, opening her window and turning on her fan before unpacking and filling the laundry hamper in the corner.
Posters of animals and trees covered the walls. Would she still love nature after what happened? Or would forests frighten her now? Impotent rage at what Harlan Brown had stolen from her surged, and Jason gripped the wicker lid of the hamper, the hard fibers cracking.
“Dad?”
He forced out an exhalation and replaced the lid. “Ready for bed, sweetie?”
“Uh-huh.”
He opened the second drawer in her yellow and purple dresser, pulling out a fresh set of light cotton PJs. “Here you go. Feels good to be home, doesn’t it?”
“Yeah. Weird too. I wanted—” She stopped and bent to pull off her socks.
“What?” he asked softly.
She shook out her PJs. “I wanted so bad to be back here. You know, before.”
“Me too.” He hesitated. “When you were out there, without me, what else did you think about?” The psychiatrist in Kalispell had given him some suggestions for gentle questions.
Shrugging, Maggie changed and pulled down her thin summer bedspread, climbing in. Jason didn’t press, instead asking, “Did you floss and brush?”
“Yes. Can I sleep now?”
“Okay, baby. I’ll be in the living room if you need me.”
“I know. You always are.”
Choking down a swell of emotion, he kissed her forehead and turned off the light, leaving the door ajar.
His suitcase untouched, Jason pulled down the back of the futon in the living room and tossed his pillow and light blanket onto the lumpy surface. He stripped down to his boxers and turned off the lights, wandering restlessly to the kitchen to open the fridge.
He stared at the collection of condiments and half-full Brita filter. He dumped it out in the sink and refilled it with fresh water. He’d have to get groceries in the morning, and he wasn’t even hungry, but he still poked through the cupboards and dug out an opened box of Ritz, the crackers gone soft in the humidity. But they were still buttery, so he stood there against the counter eating them.
What’s Ben doing? Is he home in his cabin? What does it look like? Is he okay? Is he thinking about me?
The questions swirled endlessly, although Jason was the one who’d said he needed time. Yet he could feel the phantom touch of Ben’s hands on his body, the wet press of his lips and slide of his tongue. Could smell the clean pine and hear Ben’s puffs of breath, the warmth on his skin.
Grabbing his phone, he opened a text message to Ben, the previous one from the morning of the kidnapping, Ben saying he’d meet them if he could. Before Harlan Brown had ripped Maggie away, before their lives had changed in a blink. At least Ben had been there. At least one good thing had come out of it.
Guilt sliced through him with a serrated edge. How could he look at the bright side of his daughter being kidnapped?
Jamming the phone off with his finger, he shoved the box of crackers back in the cupboard and turned abruptly, kicking a shopping bag of recycling he hadn’t had time to take out in the rush of leaving for vacation. Cans and plastic spilled out onto the checkered brown linoleum, rolling this way and that.
Biting back a curse, Jason stepped over the wreckage and tiptoed to Maggie’s door to make sure she hadn’t woken. She was sound asleep, breathing deeply and evenly. He went back and flicked on the overhe
ad light, shoving everything in the bag and frowning at the dull flooring.
A stain he hadn’t noticed splashed out by the fridge, and he wet a sponge to get at it. On his knees, he could see the edges of the floor under the counter needed a thorough clean as well, weekly mopping not picking up everything in the crevices.
With spray Comet in one hand and the sponge in the other, Jason scrubbed every inch of the floor, his knees sore by the time he moved on to the bathroom, getting into the grout with an old toothbrush. His hands were dry from the cleaner, and he probably should have worn gloves, but he kept going, attacking every surface of the apartment except Maggie’s room.
On the wall by the couch, dust covered the IKEA picture frames hanging there. Jason sprayed Windex on a paper towel and carefully wiped the glass surfaces. Maggie’s school pictures smiled back at him, and a selfie they’d taken last Christmas morning with crumpled wrapping paper around them and bows on their heads.
He hesitated at the pictures of Amy. There were two—one of Amy’s school photo from junior year, taken before she was pregnant and their lives changed completely, the time in hers running out.
Her light, thick hair hung around her shoulders, her smile wide, eyes bright and mischievous, still laughing at the dumb joke Jason had whispered to her in line while they tugged at their uniforms and she straightened his tie.
The other picture was the two of them at the pool, dripping water, arms slung around each other with medals hanging from their necks after a swim meet. Another lifetime, becoming more and more distant each year.
Throat tight, he cleaned the glass until it sparkled like Amy had. He wouldn’t forget her, and he’d make sure Maggie knew her as well as she could. He’d always answered Maggie’s questions about her mother, but he vowed to tell her more stories, knowing there was a finite number, that she’d never be more than an idea to Maggie.
Returning to the kitchen, Jason picked up his phone and unlocked it. Would Ben become a distant memory too? Perhaps they never would have gone beyond friendship if Maggie hadn’t been taken, but she had. Staying in touch now wouldn’t change anything that had happened.
Ends of the Earth: Gay Romance Page 16