Ends of the Earth: Gay Romance

by Keira Andrews

  “I was a kid, and you just took off. Didn’t you care about me? I know I was annoying, and I swiped your video games and hogged the bathroom and ate the last cookies—”

  “No! It wasn’t anything you did. You didn’t do anything wrong.” Jason raked a hand through his hair, trying to find the right words. “I texted you, but they changed your number.”

  “That wasn’t until after the court case,” Robert said.

  “I just… I didn’t want to involve you.” Jason cringed at his lame excuse.

  “Like I wasn’t involved?” Tim shook his head. “Dude, I was involved. Trust me. I couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t go anywhere. They were so paranoid something would happen to me too. Not only was my brother gone without a word, I was stuck here without you. And then after you got custody, they put all their focus on me.” He looked between their parents. “I know you guys didn’t mean to smother me. It was just intense sometimes.”

  Their father nodded. “I can understand that.”

  Tim said, “But the real problem is that none of you tried to fix this.”

  The words hung in the thick silence as they stared at each other. They’d been a family once upon a time—flawed and imperfect, but a family nonetheless. Now they were strangers, and in that moment, Jason truly realized how much he’d lost. How much they’d all lost.

  Pointing, Tim accused Jason. “You wanted so damn badly to prove you were a grown-up, and clearly you’ve worked your ass off raising Maggie. But aren’t adults supposed to be mature and not hold grudges? And okay, my phone number changed. So that was it? You just gave up? There was no other way to get in touch? It’s not like you didn’t know where I lived.”

  Fidgeting with hot shame, Jason whispered, “You’re right. I’m sorry. I was too wrapped up in my own pain. I was determined not to need anyone and to prove everyone wrong. I didn’t think about how you felt.” Saying it out loud was like swallowing shards of glass. “I told myself you’d contact me if you wanted to. I put the ball in your court. It wasn’t fair.”

  Tim swallowed hard. “I realize I’m being a hypocrite because I didn’t contact you when I got older. But I was too afraid you’d hang up or shut the door in my face. So I didn’t try either.”

  Jason looked at his brother and parents, the three people he’d once been closest to in the world. “It doesn’t matter whose fault it is, or what any of us did or didn’t do. Let’s just fix it now and move forward. What do you say?”

  In unison, they said, “Yes.”

  His mother got dessert—Jason’s favorite from childhood, a strawberry shortcake with fresh cream—and they joined Maggie in the den, balancing their bowls on their knees and watching chimps dig for termites. His life had become one surreal moment after the next.

  Thoughts of Ben circled like a shark, guilt building. Tim was right. Jason had absolutely run away. After everything that had happened—both terrible and amazing—he’d retreated desperately, grasping at some semblance of normalcy. Any bit of control he could cling to after losing Maggie and barely getting her back.

  Even now, he wished he could curl up and go to sleep just for a little while so he didn’t have to think.

  “Aren’t they clever, using sticks like that,” Shelly said.

  Jason refocused on the TV as Maggie offered, “No one knew they used tools until Jane Goodall saw them. I did a project on her.”

  “Oh, how interesting!” Mom smiled. “We’d love to see your project sometime.”

  There was still so much to hash out with his family, and it was awkward, eggshells everywhere underfoot. But surrounded by his parents and brother for the first time in years, Maggie tucked into his side, it was a start.

  CHAPTER NINETEEN

  “Um, hey. Tim?” Pressing the phone too tightly to his ear, Jason reminded himself to breathe. Sit down and chill out.

  “Jay?”

  Adjusting his sunglasses in the morning glare, Jason sat on the bench and kicked off his flip-flops, freshly mown grass soft under his feet. Maggie and Max swung from the monkey bars in the playground. “Yeah. Are you busy? We didn’t get a chance to talk last night, just the two of us.”

  Tim hesitated, then asked warily, “What do you want to talk about?”

  Great question. “Uh, what have you been up to?”

  “Since last night, or my entire teenage existence? Preteen too, actually.”

  Jason shifted uncomfortably, picking up leftover dried grass with his toes. “I’m sorry.”

  Tim sighed. “No, don’t be. I have to let it go. My girlfriend Regan says I need to release the past or I’ll miss creating beautiful memories for tomorrow. She’s into yoga and meditation and all that. Drinks a lot of smoothies. Burns a lot of incense.”

  The name rang a bell. “Oh, right. The redhead you went to prom with? She’s really pretty. How long have you been together?”

  “Since junior year. She’s going to UC Santa Cruz and I’m heading to Harvard, so I guess we’ll see what happens. How did you know we went to prom?”

  He picked up more dead grass with his toes. “Your Instagram. I’ve followed it for a while now.”

  “Huh. Okay.”

  As silence stretched out, Jason searched for something to say. “What’s your major going to be?”

  “No clue. Not business or law, but Mom and Dad are actually okay with it. They say I can do whatever makes me happy.”

  “Whoa. Times have changed.”

  Tim was silent a moment, then quietly said, “They really have.”

  “I’m glad.” Another silence descended as words tangled on Jason’s tongue. Say the right thing! Okay, just say something at this point. Talk! He blurted, “Hey, maybe I can get your advice.”

  There was a pause. “Really? Yeah, sure.”

  “Cool.” Jason tried to find the right way to ask, his mind spinning uselessly.

  “Uh, Jay? This is the part where you talk.”

  He laughed nervously. “I know. Sorry. I suck at this.”

  Tim laughed too. “No shit, bro. Hey, where are you? I hear shrieking.”

  “At the park with Maggie and her friend.” They were on the swings now, little legs pumping as they tried to fly higher and higher, egging each other on.

  “Are the paparazzi hiding in the bushes?”

  Jason scoffed, but glanced around. “I don’t see any. It’s not like I’m Brad Pitt. I think they’ve moved on.”

  “Guess you’ll find out. That’s cool Maggie’s okay with going outside. I’d probably be hiding under the covers.”

  “That’s pretty tempting to me too, not gonna lie. But my—” He cleared his throat. It had been so long since he’d called them anything but “my parents” in awkward conversations if anyone asked about his family. “Well, Mom and Dad are going to pay for a shrink for her, which will be good.”

  “What about for you? No offense, but I think you could use some time on the couch too.”

  He laughed. “None taken. You’re probably right. I’ll look into it.”

  “Mom and Dad would pay for you too.”

  “I know. I think I need to start with talking to my friends and stuff. Like you, maybe? I mean, you’re my brother, but… I’d really like it if we could be friends too.” His heart thumped dully.

  “Same here.”

  Exhaling, Jason said, “Thanks. My neighbor offered to listen to my shit, and she’s really nice, but it would be weird to go from ‘Yes, this is an unseasonably cold spring’ and ‘Has the super told you about the new recycling bins?’ to unloading all this stuff in my head.”

  Tim laughed softly. “Yeah, I get that. So go ahead. Unload.”

  “Yeah?”

  “Just spit it out, dude.”

  “Hold on.” To the kids, Jason yelled, “Maggie! No jumping off the swing at the top! I don’t care if Max just did it! And Max, don’t do that again! You know the rules.” The last thing they needed was a trip to the ER. “Tim? Sorry.”

  Tim just laughed. “Man, it
is trippy that you’re a dad. You sound all grown-up and shit.”

  “Well, I try.” He wriggled his feet in the grass. “So… Okay, you were right about Ben—the park ranger we met out there? I totally ran away from him. It was like… He got too close, I guess. So much had happened in only a few days with Maggie missing and us going after her. Things got…intense with Ben. Then Mom and Dad suddenly appeared, and it was like…”

  “Circuit overload?”

  Jason smiled. “Yeah.”

  “I don’t blame you. How did you leave things with Ben?”

  “I told him I needed time, and we’ve sent a few excruciatingly lame texts. I don’t know. Maybe he doesn’t even want to be with me anymore. We barely know each other.”

  “Dude, what you guys went through? That’s the express version of getting to know someone. It’s like you went on fifty dates. Stressful, crappy, life-threatening dates.”

  He laughed. “I guess that’s one way of looking at it.”

  “So when was your last boyfriend? Have you been serious about anyone before? Assuming you’re serious about Ben now.”

  “I am. I definitely am.” A flock of birds squawked, and he watched them soar in perfect unison. “I’ve never actually had a serious relationship. Or, um, any relationship. Or dates. Or anything. At all. I’m in way over my head here.”

  Tim whistled. “Whoa. Okay, that’s cool. You’ve been busy being super dad. I get it. So wow, if you haven’t even had close friends all this time, let alone a boyfriend… Have you ever trusted someone? Like with Regan, I don’t know if she’s ‘The One,’ but I trust her. I could tell her anything. She’s solid, you know? Sometimes her head’s in the clouds with all her love and peace stuff, but she’s strong. I can depend on her. What about you? Have you ever trusted someone like that?”

  Memories crescendoed—Ben’s eyes crinkling as he sang along with Will Smith on the Road to the Sun; his bulky warmth holding Jason close during that endless black night in the woods, sheltering him from the worst of the wind; his sweet, desperate kisses as he brought Jason’s body to life.

  “Yes,” he croaked, his throat thick.

  “I assume it’s Ben since you sound like you’re going to cry?”

  Exhaling a little laugh, Jason said, “Yes. He… He was so kind to us, and then after everything happened, he was a rock. I can’t imagine what I would have done without him.” He swallowed, mouth dry. “I don’t know what to do anymore without him. I got by for years on my own, and now I feel so weak.” He shivered in the bright sunlight.

  “It’s not weak to need someone. You just have to be strong enough to trust this guy. Put yourself out there. Lay it on the line, man. If you hide behind excuses and let the opportunity with him pass, you’ll always wonder what if. Stop running away. Who can say how shit will turn out, but at least you’ll know.”

  “You’re right. You’re so right.” A calm, deep sense of hope filled Jason. He wasn’t going to give up Ben without a fight. He was done standing in his own way.

  Blinking, he realized Maggie was standing by the bench giving him a quizzical look. Into the phone, he said, “Hold on,” then asked Maggie, “You okay, sweetie?”

  “Uh-huh. Why are you grinning like that?”

  “Because your uncle’s grown up to be really smart.”

  “Is that him? Hi, Uncle Tim! We’re getting ice cream!”

  Tim laughed in Jason’s ear. “Tell her hi back and that Rocky Road’s my fave for future reference.”

  “I will. Talk to you soon, okay?”

  They hung up, and Jason fixed Maggie with a faux stern look as Max raced up, practically doing cartwheels as the musical tinkling of the ice cream truck filled the air. Somehow kids always heard it a mile away. “Who says we’re getting ice cream?”

  Clasping her hands, Maggie begged, “Pleeeease?” as Max chimed in.

  Jason bought them dipped vanilla cones, along with one for himself, getting almost as much chocolate on his face as they did.

  He buzzed as they walked home, tempted to do a cartwheel of his own. He was going to call Ben and tell him how he felt.

  As soon as he figured out how to say it.

  This was a huge mistake.

  A bus rumbled by, a distant horn honking as Ben stood on the sidewalk in front of the building. He stepped onto the grass to make way for an enormous baby stroller and stared up at the brown brick, wondering which unit was Jason and Maggie’s.

  Unable to stomach another lonely night at the cabin, he’d made the biggest impulse purchase of his life with a stupidly expensive plane ticket. It had taken a red-eye and two connections, but now he was actually looking at Jason’s home.

  Finding the address had been alarmingly easy online. Ben knew he should at least call before showing up, but he kept telling himself he’d do it at the next airport. Then in the cab. But now he was on the narrow strip of lawn between the sidewalk and a row of bushes, phone in his damp palm.

  It was late afternoon. Storm clouds darkened the sky in the distance, the humid air thick with promise. Sweat dripped down Ben’s spine, the sleeves of his thin plaid shirt rolled to his elbows. This had all made sense when he’d hatched his plan. Not that it had been a plan per se. The idea was basically to beg Jason to give him a chance. Give them a chance.

  Jason was young and scared and overwhelmed. Ben had to fight for the future they could have together. He’d plead his case one more time, and if Jason said no, that would truly be the end of it. But at least Ben wouldn’t have to wonder what if and live with the regret of having not even tried.

  Rolling back his shoulders, he pocketed his phone and took one step. Then another and another, rounding the bushes with his duffel in one hand, squeezing the straps. Inside the foyer, he scanned a list of surnames with buttons beside them. There it was. His finger hovered in the air.

  Kellerman 404

  Just then, someone pushed open the locked door and left the building, and Ben caught it, slipping inside. He could still turn around and leave. Jason would never know he’d been there. Ugh. At this point he was feeling like a creepy stalker. No, he was here, and he’d talk to Jason, and then what would be, would be.

  Resolved, he rode the groaning elevator to the fourth floor. Marching up to 404, he knocked before he could chicken out. His heart pounded as footsteps approached, a shadow falling over the peephole.

  The door sprang open, Jason standing in the threshold, jaw on the floor. “Ben? Are you… You’re here?”

  He dropped his duffel, shaky hands motioning as he spoke. “If you kick me out I’ll totally understand. I just had to see you in person. I couldn’t let this go without trying. Couldn’t let us go.”

  When Jason simply stared, Ben kept going. “I think about you and Maggie all the time. I realize we only knew each other a few days, but I’ve never felt anything this strong in my life. You’re not a kid—you’re a brave and beautiful and wonderful man. But I do want to take care of you. I want to protect you from anyone who would hurt you. I want to hold you at night and know you’re safe. I want to make sure you’re happy and laughing, and that you have everything you could ever want.”

  Jason still stared soundlessly.

  Mouth dry, Ben barreled on. “And it’s not because I think you’re weak. You had to grow up so young. Most people wouldn’t have had the balls to keep Maggie. To raise her and sacrifice everything else. You’re one of the strongest people I’ve ever met, but I still want to take care of you. Maybe that’s wrong, but it’s how I feel.” He thumped a hand on his chest. “I feel it so deeply. I want to take care of you both. I want to share my life with you. You and Maggie came along when I least expected it and filled up the hole inside me that had been empty for so long.”

  Jason still wasn’t saying a word. He stood frozen, chest rising and falling rapidly.

  “I think we could be so good together. You make me excited about life again. Excited to explore and share and really live. We meet hundreds of people—thousands—and
they come in and out of our lives. But when I met you there was a spark, and I don’t know if it’s chemistry or pure dumb luck, but I don’t want to let you go. I know it was wrong to just show up here—”

  Choking down a sob, Jason launched himself, locking his arms around Ben as Ben staggered. He grabbed Jason back, squeezing with all the love in his heart.

  Jason gulped in a breath. “I can’t believe you’re standing here. I was working up the nerve to finally call you and try to tell you how I feel, and now you’re here.” He gripped Ben harder. “God, I want that too,” Jason whispered as he lifted his head, eyes bright and gleaming. “What you just said.”

  Ben’s impassioned speech was a blur now. “Which part?”

  Jason laughed, and it was glorious. “All of it.”

  Lightheaded, he laughed too. “With me? This is all new for you, and you might find someone else. Someone closer to your age. Someone… I don’t know. Better.”

  “Better than you?” Jason shook his head vigorously. “Not possible. You’re brave and loyal, and you don’t make fun of me for liking Will Smith. You, you… You’re patient with Maggie’s million questions, and you’re so sexy I just want to climb you like a tree and rub myself all over you. You’re everything I never knew I wanted. Never even imagined I could have.”

  “You’ve got me. All of me.”

  Jason clutched Ben’s sides. “I thought if I didn’t do it on my own I was a failure. I was wrong. I don’t want to be alone anymore. I want to be with you. The three of us together.”

  With a shudder, Ben pulled him into another hug, pressing his face against Jason’s neck. “I don’t want to be alone anymore either,” he murmured. “God, Jason. I missed you so much. Both of you. I didn’t think I could fall in love that fast.”

  Jason leaned back, searching Ben’s face. “Love?”

  “Absolutely.” It shone in Ben so strongly he was sure it had to be visible. “Yes.”

  “I love you too. I do.” He laughed disbelievingly. “I really do, Ben.”

  “Do I get to kiss you now?”