Closed Doors
Page 12
Marianne has gathered everyone around her for the talent show, even me, who was banned from having anything to do with it. No one reminds her, not even Alice, who hasn’t looked at me since I kissed her in the snow, though I did see flaky sneak peeks every now and then. I wonder if she would like to kiss me again.
The talent show costs five pence and all proceeds will be given to the Salvation Army instead of the kids because the grown-ups thought it was a better idea. I think it is a rubbish idea. Anyway the Salvation Army agrees to come to our show and give a little service and play God songs with their brass band. This annoys Granny, who thinks the Salvation Army is not a real religion and the priest should be asked to give a service instead. Marianne’s ma agrees with Granny but for the sake of the kids they say nothing and pay their five pence.
Luckily the Salvation Army don’t give a service, they just turn up and say ‘Hello’ and ‘Thank you’ and go straight to playing their music. Everyone is glad. They play ‘Amazing Grace’, something that makes Granny cry, and then ‘Auld Lang Syne’, which is fun because we all hold our hands together and make a kind of wave. Then they collect the five pences for the show and take a seat like everyone else.
It’s a big turnout. People bring their own chairs to sit on and blankets to keep themselves warm. The street lights shine up the pretend stage, which is really a concrete car park, and Marianne begins with ‘Ave Maria’. She makes all the old ladies weep. Then she does the Highland fling with Tracey, Fiona and Alice. There is a lot of clapping going on and when they finish everyone stands up and claps some more, which is no surprise. Marianne is an award-winning dancer and was always going to amaze everyone. Marianne sings more songs and you would think it was ‘The Marianne Show’, but she does sing a song with Alice and it’s quite nice, Alice has a lovely voice too, but then there is more dancing and it gets a bit boring. Fiona and Tracey hardly do anything except dress up as Japanese girls and sing about a boy they really love. Luke does a magic show and it is quite good, he uses cups and things and tries to trick the grown-ups with pebbles and eggs; mostly I’m glad he didn’t play chess because that would have bored me to death. Sarah from Robertson Drive does jokes that aren’t funny but everyone rolls about the floor. Christian from Eaglesham Road plays ‘Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star’ on a trumpet and the audience raves, even though he is off tune. I hate this trumpet talent. Paul and Fat Ralph dress up as women and dance about like a couple of fools. I am embarrassed for them, but the adults love it. Then Auld Ian from the top terrace, who is about a thousand years old and not supposed to be in a kids’ talent show, recites a Robert Burns poem about a red rose and again all the women cry all over the place.
When it is my turn I am nervous and shaking a little, but I know I am the best at keepy-uppies and will have the greatest talent in the show. But the first time I put the ball on my knee it falls to the ground. I look to my da and he gives me the thumbs up. I try again, but I only manage two. It is a pure humiliation. Marianne and Paul snigger and Alice and Fat Ralph look sad for me. I look to Ma and see her picking at her nails. She is doing anything she can to stop from looking up, from seeing faces, from seeing Miss Connor. She doesn’t even care it’s my turn. I don’t know why she is there at all. Anyway I get to twenty and everyone shouts and whoops like I did a hundred or something when I haven’t. I am gutted. I know I have done rubbish and so I don’t know why they are clapping at all. I look around then and see men and women with beer cans and wine bottles in their hands and that’s when I realise everyone is drunk or most people. I see Miss Connor smiling and waving at me with a huge smile when the truth is she probably hates to smile. Next to her Mr McFadden is tipping beer into his mouth and cheering with a sausage roll in his hand when it was only a week before he tore at my jacket for kissing his daughter. They’re faking it. Everyone is pretending they like our talents when the truth is they just want to get drunk for New Year’s and probably think we’re all shite. Fuck them all, I think.
‘Are you all right there, Rosemary?’ says Miss Connor, who positions herself right in front of Ma. Ma never saw it coming and takes a bit of a while before saying, ‘I’m good, Louisa.’
‘Haven’t seen you in a while. You look well,’ says Miss Connor.
‘So do you,’ says Ma.
‘Weren’t the kids wonderful?’ says Miss Connor.
Ma goes blank and says nothing for a minute. I think of interrupting and filling in the gap, but then Ma says, ‘I’m sorry, Louisa, I need the bathroom. Was nice to see you.’
Ma rushes to the bathroom even though I know she doesn’t need to go at all and is running from Miss Connor.
‘Is everything all right?’ whispers Miss Connor to me.
I shrug my shoulders and run to where Da is. He is helping light up the fireworks until they start to whistle and hit the sky. Faces light up and everyone raises their tins and bottles to the stars. All the kids are given sparklers and told to be careful. I love the sparklers, I can’t help it, they make me feel happier, and so I decide to tell my own lies. I tell Marianne she will be on Top of the Pops one day. I tell Paul and Ralph they were hilarious in lipstick and I ask Luke to show me his magic tricks, even though it’s hard to follow. I don’t tell Alice anything. I will not lie to Alice even though she tells me I am the best at keepy-uppies in the world.
Lies make people happy, I think, and that’s why people tell them, not to hurt or anger anyone, but to keep them safe from the truth, except our lie, the lie Ma and Da and Granny are telling to themselves and everyone else around them, it is the worst of lies and it is making no one happy and when lies don’t make you happy you have to wonder what will happen next.
TWENTY-NINE
IT’S MY BIRTHDAY and I am twelve. I was born four days after New Year’s Eve and during the Christmas holidays. It’s a shite time to have a birthday because no one has any money left from all the Christmas presents they bought you, but it’s better than having Paul’s birthday, he was born on Christmas Eve and gets even less than I do. We are always complaining of it.
Da asks if I would like to have a few friends round for my birthday, but I say no. I hate my house right now. Da smells of beer and Ma is always cleaning things. She is driving Granny mad with it.
Ma starts her studies again in a few weeks and Granny is relieved Ma will have something to do other than windows Granny has already cleaned and rooms that never needed decorating in the first place. Ma has papered Granny’s room and her own. She also papered the hallway a weird brown colour. I wouldn’t let her touch my room and I made the biggest fuss a boy could make over it. She is like a train right now but a train that stays indoors. She is terrified of bumping into Miss Connor. We are all glad she is starting her studies again. She is a pest in the house.
‘It will certainly occupy her. I can’t stand all this running around she’s doing,’ moans Granny.
If Ma does well she can go to Jordan Hill and be the teacher she always dreamed she would be. Da thinks this is great, but he says this about everything Ma wants. It’s annoying, but she likes it, it soothes her.
‘I’ll make a nice cake for your birthday,’ says Granny.
‘I don’t want people here for a party.’
‘Then what do you want for your birthday?’ asks Ma.
I shrug my shoulders because I really don’t know.
‘How about a portable television for your room?’ says Da and gives me a wink.
I jump for joy. There is nothing I would like more.
‘A television!’ nips Ma. ‘Are you mad?’
‘He’s old enough and what with you hogging ours all the time for your learning he could do with his own TV,’ says Da.
‘He’ll be up all night,’ says Ma.
‘I won’t. I promise,’ I say.
‘Now look what you’ve done,’ says Ma. ‘How can I say no now when you’ve already said that he can!’
‘What’s the big bloody deal?’ says Da. ‘It’s a television not a fucking atom
ic bomb.’
Granny slams the iron down onto the board.
‘That’s enough, the two of you. Rosemary, let the lad have his TV for God’s sake, and Brian, you should have discussed this with your wife first. That wasn’t fair of you.’
The room is silenced. Ma grabs for Frankie’s lead and I am getting a TV.
I run out the back door to tell the lads but there’s no one there except Alice and so I run back inside and hide till she’s gone. She takes a long time to leave. I don’t know where she went, probably to stupid Marianne’s house.
I go to the Woody to see if the lads are there but there’s no one except Ma. I don’t know what she’s doing but she’s standing where Miss Connor was found. She doesn’t see me but Frankie does and I think he’s going to give me away with his tail wagging about the place, but Ma doesn’t even look up. She is stuck in space. Staring at the grass. Frozen like a statue. I sneak from the Woody; seems I’m hiding from everyone these days. I go home.
‘What are you doing here?’ says Granny.
‘Nothing,’ I say.
‘Nothing?’ says Granny and then pulls a face, as if she doesn’t believe me. Grown-ups hate it when you say ‘nothing’. They really have a problem with it. I use it all the time and for everything I have no answer to, but they make this big thing out of it as if you’re hiding the Crown jewels in your school bag.
When Ma gets back she goes over to Da and gives him a hug and the whole house stills.
‘A TV is fine,’ Ma whispers and so Da and Ma go buy me a TV.
The TV is white and a good size. It is also a colour TV so it must have cost Da an arm and a leg. Granny gives me money for my birthday. A whole five pounds. They tell me to save it. I feel like a millionaire. I will buy a hundred things with it.
I am so excited I decide to go to Paul’s house and see if he wants to come out, but mostly so I can tell him about my television. Paul is made up for me and comes up with the great idea of using Fat Ralph’s video recorder to watch some of Knobby Doyle’s pirate videotapes and so that is what I decide to do on my birthday, watch Raiders of the Lost Ark in my room with my pals. Fat Ralph thinks this is a brilliant idea. I tell my da and he agrees to get the pirate tape.
Granny doesn’t have time to make a cake. She buys one from the baker’s. It is an amazing cake, green with white icing and my name written across the top. I know I am about to have a great birthday, but then I see Alice sitting on the step outside her house playing with stones and I feel bad for her, but I also don’t want her near me, but I can’t leave her sitting on her own while I eat cake and so I ask her in. Paul and Fat Ralph think I am mad. Alice quickly asks her da. She doesn’t want to play stones on her own. Her da says yes and Alice comes into my house. It’s a big thing her da says yes and Da gives him the thumbs up.
‘I’ll watch them, don’t worry,’ Da says.
Mr McFadden gives Da the thumbs up.
Everything is OK and everyone is happy on my birthday.
We all go to my room and I am pleased to see Ma has tidied it for my friends. Da sets the TV and video recorder up for us to watch the movie and Granny brings the food: paste sandwiches, jelly and ice cream and the beautiful green cake.
The movie is the best movie in the world but Alice hides behind cushions in parts because it is also a scary movie. This is what all girls do. It is what Ma does, she hides behind her hands but still watches through her fingers, which is stupid because it just means she’s watching a film with her fingers in the way. To be honest there are bits of the film where I want to hide behind a cushion, but I don’t. I am the toughest lad on the scheme and it would be terrible of me to grab at my pillow and hide like a girl and so I squeeze my eyes at the frightening bits so they are a little bit hidden. Fat Ralph doesn’t care and grabs at the skirt of my bed, but it’s OK for Fat Ralph to be scared because he’s Fat Ralph. Paul on the other hand is scared of nothing and laughs at the scary bits and then watches everyone else to make sure they are as brave as he is.
When the film is finished we have cake and lemonade, then Paul gives me a pack of football cards, which was very nice of him, and Fat Ralph gives me his Celtic pencil. They’re not real birthday presents, everyone was invited at the last minute, but they’re nice all the same. Alice is shy because she didn’t have anything for me, but since her da got me a leather football for kissing her I let her off.
The cake is nearly finished when Paul spills lemonade all over the floor. I think my ma might kill me and so I go to the landing and into the airing cupboard where we keep the towels and the blankets for guests even though we never have guests. I have to dig hard for towels because they are stuck right at the back and that is when I find a plastic bag. I pull it out, thinking maybe it is a surprise gift for me, but it isn’t. It is a bag of dirty clothes: a dirty jacket, and a ripped shirt with what I think might be blood. There is also a filthy skirt and it is dry with mud. It doesn’t take me long. I know exactly what I am holding in my hands. It is what my ma was wearing the night she was attacked. I don’t know what it is doing hidden in the airing cupboard. I don’t know why she kept such horrible things. Why they are still dirty and why they are not in the bin with the eggshells and banana peels. It makes me feel sick. I am holding rape.
‘What’s taking you so long?’ says Alice from behind me.
She sees the bag.
‘What’s that?’ she says.
‘Laundry,’ I say and I shove it back where I found it.
‘Looks dirty,’ she says.
‘It’s Da’s. He wears it in the garden,’ I say.
She turns on her heels and goes back to her cake and lemonade. I go back to my party.
‘Where’s the towel?’ says Paul.
I forgot and go back to the airing cupboard. I can still see the white of the bag and push it as hard as I can out of view. I grab for a towel and go back to Paul and his clumsy drink.
I want the party to be over now and when Alice’s da comes to the door to collect her I am relieved. It is already dark outside and everyone leaves my bedroom with their dirty dishes lying all over the floor and across my bed. Ma nips in later and picks up plates and glasses. I go to help her but I can’t keep myself from staring at her. That’s when Da appears and says, ‘The birthday boy is free of all chores for today. I’ll help you, Rosemary.’
I see her smile at Da. She is in a good mood with him today and I wonder if Da knows about the clothes in the airing cupboard. Ma is mad, I think. I wonder if anyone else in the house thinks the same.
‘You’ve lost a lot of weight, Rosemary,’ says Granny at dinner.
‘Don’t have much of an appetite, Shirley,’ says Ma.
‘And for a long time now,’ says Granny.
‘I wouldn’t worry about it. You know what they say. You can never be too rich or too thin.’
Granny looks at Ma for a sharp second and then to her own plate and I think Granny thinks the same as I do. Ma is not as well as everyone likes to think.
I don’t know what to do with the clothes in the airing cupboard and wonder if I should tell my da. I don’t want to keep any more secrets and so I bother him watching TV. He doesn’t like that one little bit, but what else can I do?
‘What do you want?’ he asks.
I don’t want Ma to know what I have found and I definitely don’t want Granny to know. She’s already worried about Ma’s weight. I speak in whispers, but Da’s a bit deaf sometimes and screws his face up and gets on my nerves.
‘Would you come to the landing so I can show you something?’ I tell him.
‘What is it you want to show me?’ asks Da, who is kind of ignoring me as if I’m not very important and have nothing to say really.
‘Come on, Da, Ma might come.’ I tug on his sleeve.
‘For the love of God, Michael, I just want to watch TV in peace. Away upstairs and play with your Action Men or something,’ nips Da.
‘Please, Da,’ I beg. ‘Before Ma comes,’ I say.
When I show Da what Ma’s been hiding he goes as white as a ghost.
‘Why is she keeping these things, Da? Should we put them in the bin?’ I say.
Da looks very serious at me. ‘No,’ he says and pushes the bag to the back of the cupboard. ‘Your ma knows why she’s keeping them. We don’t have to,’ says Da. ‘Pretend you never saw them, son,’ he tells me.
And that’s what I do. I’ve told my da and I’ve shared a secret. It feels good. I wish I could share all my secrets, but I can’t. I have to keep all the stories and all the words locked inside my head but I wonder for how long.
THIRTY
MISS CONNOR IS having a baby and Mr McFadden is delighted. He told my da first because he fancies they are great friends even though he gave me a beating at Christmas time. Granny crosses herself at the mere mention of Miss Connor’s baby.
‘She’s almost four months now. They thought she might lose it after what happened but it’s a strong wee thing and wants to be here. It’s a miracle for them. You believe in miracles, Rosemary? On getting on with things?’ says Da and with a right nasty tone on him. He is drunk.
I think Ma will cry at this, but she grabs for the dog’s lead and practically runs out the front door while Da reaches for the bottle next to the sugar, but Granny takes it away from him and I can hear her shouting.
‘It’s little wonder you sleep on a sofa with the smell of drink on you. Look at the state of you. I wouldn’t touch you with a shitty stick.’
‘What difference does it make? Rosemary isn’t interested in me. Haven’t you heard all of this is my fault?’ says Da.