Closed Doors

by Lisa O'Donnell

  ‘No she isn’t. She missed the train,’ says Da.

  Da is obviously not prepared for the lie I have told.

  ‘When I said I ran from Ma and Da to get the sweets, I meant my granny and da. Ma missed the train. Isn’t that funny?!’ I say.

  ‘Hilarious. So where is she?’ says Luke.

  ‘How was the wedding, Louisa?’ says Granny. ‘Or should I say Mrs McFadden? I’ll bet it was beautiful.’

  Granny is changing the subject because that’s what people do when other people are in trouble with words and lies and paraphernalia in general.

  ‘Oh, it was the best day of my life, Shirley. I wish you could have been there,’ says the new Mrs McFadden.

  ‘How is your brother?’ says Mr McFadden.

  ‘Better,’ says Granny, whose brother really lives in Canada and never writes or calls on the telephone.

  ‘We have to be going now,’ says Luke, who has luckily become bored of the mysterious train-hopping and my missing ma.

  The McFaddens go away and there’s a lot of fussing about having a great time and photographs being taken but I can see nothing but rage in Da’s face. I’m for it now, I think.

  ‘Next train is in ten minutes. Let’s go,’ nips Da.

  Da walks in front and Granny and I follow him.

  When we get on the train no one says one word but Granny is holding my hand again. She probably feels sorry for me and the hiding I’ll get as soon as we get home. I hope the train never moves but as the doors slide closed Ma shows up and through a gap in the door she pushes herself on board.

  Everyone is mad at her and no one says hello or even asks where she’s been. I wonder if she’ll sit next to us at all. She does and right opposite Da.

  ‘I’m sorry, Brian,’ she says.

  Da turns away from Ma to the window. Da is angry and doesn’t care one bit how sorry Ma is. He feels he’s tried hard with her, as if she’s had enough time to be sad and strange, but that feels wrong to me and when she gives me a smile I can see Ma is very tired because of all the trying Da’s been doing and maybe if he stopped trying, maybe if we all stopped, then everyone would be happier, especially Ma.

  THIRTY-FOUR

  DA WAS MAD when we got home and forgot all about smacking my behind, but I was still sent to bed early. Granny came up to my room with a sandwich but she really wanted to hear the argument Ma and Da were having in their room.

  It was wild. There were howls and screams and blaming and tears. Granny says this is how it is when grown-ups want to fix things. Frankie came in my room for a pet. Truth is he was scared to death. He also needed to pee.

  Ma told Da to give her space and stop following her around. Da told Ma to open up. Ma told Da she can’t share everything with him and him alone. Da went on about Professor Friendly. Ma threw something. It hit the wall. Da told her to stop chucking things. Then Da said he understood Professor Friendly was just friendly, but he was hurt he wasn’t sixty-nine. Granny doesn’t know how old Professor Friendly is and neither does Ma. I don’t know why it matters at all, but it did matter and Ma told Da he had to have faith in her. She told him Professor Friendly was a great support to her and that made Da upset because he wants to be a support to her; this made Ma tell Da he was a support to her but she needed more support and this made Granny cry because Granny also tries to be a support to her, although Granny couldn’t say that because she wasn’t even supposed to be listening to who is a support to who. I gave Granny a wee pat on the back and told her she was a great support to us all. This made her happy, but then I am wondering if I am a support to Ma. I think I must be too young to be a support to anyone, but I don’t care. I don’t want to be a support. I want to play football.

  Ma asked for time. She asked for space. Da asked, ‘How much?’ Ma didn’t say anything or maybe she did and was speaking low. Granny and I couldn’t hear her anyway, but then Ma told Da about trust and then Da told Ma about love. It caused a great silence in the end but eventually I was able to get to sleep.

  The next day everyone was happy and Da had completely forgotten about meeting the McFaddens and about giving me a tanning. It was brilliant for me until Granny gave me a bowl of porridge and a Valentine’s card.

  ‘Must have been slipped through the door after we left for Glasgow,’ says Granny.

  ‘Michael has a bird,’ says Da and laughs really hard until Ma reminds him he hasn’t gotten her a Valentine’s card. It is a close one for Da but then he reminds Ma that it isn’t actually Valentine’s Day until tomorrow and then he asks her out and in a really cheesy way. He gets down on one knee, takes her hand and says, ‘Rosemary Murray, will you have dinner with me?’

  The next day Ma and Da decide to have their Valentine’s dinner at the Inn where they always have dinner. Da will have steak with mushrooms because that is what Da likes the best and Ma will have fish. She’s mad for fish.

  It is a big thing for Ma to go to the Inn because she hasn’t been back to the pub since Tricia Law dragged her there last year and made Ma so crazy Kenny’s da had to take her to hospital.

  ‘Get your frock on, girl. It’ll be a big night tonight,’ laughs Granny. ‘I have a few upstairs from my slimmer days if you want to borrow anything.’

  ‘I’ll have a look later,’ says Ma and turns to Da with a wink. Granny’s ‘frocks’ will be the last thing Ma will wear stepping out with Da. Poor Granny.

  I look at my Valentine’s card and someone is not shy and has used their own handwriting. I just need to discover who it belongs to. It’s not difficult. I have a look at Alice’s poster from the talent show that I kept in my drawer and the writing is exactly the same. This means Alice likes me too, but we are to be quiet on the matter because our families would have a fit if they thought me and Alice were sneaking about together in the bushes, which is what we’ll probably do when she comes back from Greece.

  I decide I need some chewing gum to prepare my breath for when Alice gets back, and even though I knock, I walk into Ma and Da’s room and find Ma taking the pills that make her feel better.

  ‘And what can I do for you tonight, Michael?’ she asks.

  Ma looks beautiful and I am very proud she is my ma. She is the best-looking of all the mas in town. Her hair has grown longer and she is giving it a little curl with the hot tongs.

  ‘Michael?’ she says again.

  ‘I just want some chewing gum,’ I say.

  ‘You’re always in here looking for chewing gum. You need to use some of your pocket money and buy your own.’

  I want to ask about the pills and that’s exactly what I do.

  ‘Will you always take pills, Ma?’ I ask.

  She stops curling her hair. She thinks of telling me where to get off or maybe to mind my own business, but then she changes her mind and sighs instead.

  ‘I am suffering from anxiety, Michael.’

  ‘What’s anxiety?’ I ask.

  ‘It means I panic at times and for no reason. Like when you’re in the Woody alone and someone jumps out of the grass and screams “Boo” and scares the life out of you.’

  I nod. ‘You get a scared feeling like you could be sick.’

  ‘That’s right, Michael. That feeling you get is called anxiety,’ says Ma.

  ‘I thought that was fear, Ma.’

  ‘It’s the same thing, Michael, and these pills, well, they make me less anxious, less fearful.’

  ‘Will you always need to take them, Ma? Can you make yourself feel less fearful without them?’ I ask.

  ‘I don’t know,’ she says.

  ‘Are you scared of me, Ma?’

  She kisses the top of my head.

  ‘What a question,’ she says. ‘You’re my angel baby and always will be. Why would I be scared of you?’

  She is calling me angel baby again and no one except Da and Granny knows she calls me it. It means everything is good again with us and it means Ma is getting a bit more like Ma, but for how long? I wonder. She is so changeable. Granny says
we have to take one day at a time.

  ‘Away you go so I can get ready for your da,’ she says, ‘and knock before you come in next time,’ she says.

  ‘I did knock,’ I say.

  ‘Then knock louder,’ she says.

  When I go downstairs Da is giving his shoes a polish and has slicked his hair back with some kind of wax. He smells of Old Spice because all the ladies love it.

  Granny is in a good old mood and has her knitting out. She has given me ten pence for the ice-cream van when it comes and we are to have lemonade and maybe some of her fairy cakes with the frosting. I will lick the frosting but shove the cake under the chair. It’s going to be a great time. I’ll watch TV all night because Granny always falls asleep before she tells me to go to bed and then I’ll sneak to bed when I hear Ma and Da come up the stairs.

  As things turn out it is me who falls asleep and I am awakened by Da and Ma coming up the stairs outside arguing.

  ‘You didn’t need to throw a drink at her is all I’m saying,’ says Da.

  ‘She was having a go. About you,’ says Ma. ‘I wasn’t having it.’

  Granny wakes up. ‘What’s the matter now?’

  ‘Tricia had a go at Brian about being a wife-beater or some damn thing like it and so I threw a gin and tonic at her,’ says Ma.

  I am glad. This means Ma and Tricia Law are not best friends any more and she won’t come here with her fags and her sarcastic remarks at my da.

  ‘Waste of a gin and tonic as far as I am concerned,’ says Granny.

  ‘Oh, the lip on that one,’ says Ma.

  Da goes quiet. He’s thinking of the truth again and if everyone knew they wouldn’t call him a wife-beater at all and there would be no flying drinks, but not wanting to rock the boat he just takes his shoes off and the room smells of beer and feet.

  ‘Any gossip?’ says Granny, lighting a cigarette.

  ‘Linda and Kip are going together now,’ says Ma.

  Da tells me to go to bed while Ma and Granny drone about that person and this person and who’s doing what to who and all kinds of boring things women talk about. Da falls back in his chair not caring. He falls asleep. I am feeling tired and ready for my bed. I go upstairs without being asked again.

  When I go to my room I look out of my window and see Alice’s house all dark and empty. I wonder what she’s doing in Greece. She’s probably found a friend and is playing on a beach somewhere. She’s probably all red from the sun, eating expensive chewing gum and all dirty because she can’t help it. They’ll be eating all kinds of strange foods in Greece and Luke will be ordering the strangest because he’s Luke. Mr McFadden will order bacon and eggs and maybe the new Mrs McFadden will order nothing because everything makes her sick these days because of the baby in her belly. I’ve seen her do it. In the garden once. She almost fainted, but Mr McFadden caught her and kissed her and took her inside. He’s a hero to her. I bet her own wedding cake made her sick.

  They will be gone a whole fortnight now and when they get back they will send off their Kodaks for development and weeks later the neighbours will crowd round to see the sun and sand and the red faces they got in Greece. Then the wedding pictures will arrive and there will be more crowding round, people will recognise themselves and compliments will be passed around for lovely shoes and beautiful bags and brilliant dresses. Men won’t care and probably won’t even look. These are good days for the McFaddens because everyone loves them for being strong and getting on with life, for having parties and weddings. I wonder why it has taken Ma almost a year to get over what has happened to her and why the new Mrs McFadden took only a few weeks and had a wedding and is about to have a baby and smiles and waves at everyone who walks past her garden. She is always gardening. She and Mr McFadden are always digging at weeds and clipping at roses. I saw him cut one for her once. He cut it and he handed it to her and she cried and they hugged. I haven’t seen the new Mrs McFadden cry since Woolworths when she found out from Da Patrick Thompson wasn’t the man that hurt her in the Woody and that he had been released from prison. The new Mrs McFadden looks forward to everything and I wonder why Ma can’t, but Granny says I am very wrong about that and Ma is dealing with her pain head on. Granny suspects the new Mrs McFadden is avoiding hers with weddings and gardens, honeymoons and babies.

  ‘She’ll come down with a thud eventually and I hope all the love I’ve seen in that house can save her from it.’

  I hope Granny is wrong about the ‘thud’ because this ‘thud’ she talks of could be a falling tree and I hope Alice never knows the ‘thud’. I hope she never knows the tears of her da and her new ma. I hope she never knows the fighting and the fear and the sorry words I have heard. I hope the new Mrs McFadden stays safe and strong for her little baby, but mostly I hope Mr McFadden will keep the curtains open and not close them like he did last time when he was sad, when Luke had to do the shopping and poor Alice got all dirty with stringy hair. I don’t want that for any of them, even Luke, who gets on my nerves for being a lamb and all kinds of gentle creatures.

  My granny thinks there is a storm coming for the McFaddens and I don’t like my granny for saying it because my ma will have caused that storm and won’t know how to calm the waters.

  THIRTY-FIVE

  THE MCFADDENS ARE back. Alice is beautiful and I can’t wait to sneak about with her, but her smile is smaller than it was before she left and she looks a little sad to be home. It is raining and so I don’t blame her at all. The new Mrs McFadden is ‘radiant’ according to Granny, and Da can’t help notice the ‘belly on her’. Mr McFadden is rolling his cigarettes and complaining about the food.

  ‘The baby didn’t like it either.’ The new Mrs McFadden smiles and pats her stomach. ‘Wherever is your Rosemary?’ she says.

  ‘Taking the dog for a walk,’ I say, which is a good lie until Frankie starts whipping about our legs showing us all up.

  ‘She must be back,’ says Da.

  ‘You all look really well. What a beautiful glow you have on you,’ says Granny.

  ‘Thank you,’ says the new Mrs McFadden. ‘I have a small gift for you all. I’ll bring it down later,’ she says.

  ‘Why don’t I pop round to your place?’ Granny says, trying to save the day.

  Ma cannot see Mrs McFadden or she’ll die of guilt.

  ‘I’ll bring a nice cake and we can have a chinwag.’

  ‘Whatever you like,’ says the new Mrs McFadden but not without disappointment. She must notice Ma is never around when she is.

  When the rain stops Alice comes out to hang around the Woody with her wellies on.

  ‘Hello,’ I say.

  ‘Oh hiya,’ she goes.

  She has a stick and she’s running it across the grass.

  ‘Did you have a nice holiday?’ I ask.

  ‘Obviously,’ says Alice. She sounds like the old Alice, Dirty Alice, the girl who hates me and not the girl who rolled in the snow with me.

  ‘Make any friends?’ I ask.

  ‘Yes,’ she says.

  ‘That’s great,’ I say.

  ‘A boy. Christos.’

  ‘Christos. Sounds like a girl’s name.’

  ‘Well, it’s not,’ she snaps.

  ‘So what did you do with Christos?’ I ask, even though I know what she’s going to say. My stomach feels sick with anxiety like Ma’s.

  ‘We’re friends and we’re going to write to each other, like pen pals. We had a good time.’

  ‘Is he your boyfriend?’

  She doesn’t say anything for a minute and then she nods.

  ‘I like you too, Michael, but not like Christos. He’s more of a friend. You used to call me Dirty Alice and Christos doesn’t even know who Dirty Alice is.’

  ‘You’re Dirty Alice to me and always will be. So you can fuck off, Dirty Alice. For ever and ever. I’ll never say hello to you again and I’ll never look at you and I hate you more than anything in the whole world.’

  Katie Calderwood shows up again.
She is dumping a TV and all kinds of stuff. She hears me say ‘fuck’ again.

  ‘Is that you, Michael Murray, saying “fuck” again and in broad daylight? That’s it. I’m going to see your ma.’

  And off she stomps. Now I know I’m for it. I walk home feeling sad and angry and fearful like Ma does.

  Da answers the door and nods a lot at Katie. They both give me the dirtiest of looks. Katie walks away shaking her head in disgust. Da drags me indoors. He clips me about the ear. ‘Don’t be saying “fuck”, you hear me?’ I nod.

  ‘Can I go upstairs now?’ I say.

  ‘What do you want to go upstairs for?’

  ‘To play or something?’

  ‘Away you go but don’t be making any noise and enough with the bad words, OK?’ says Da.

  ‘OK,’ I say.

  He goes to the kitchen and I hear him tell Ma and Granny I said ‘fuck’ to Alice. I hear Ma tell Da it’s his fault for having a mouth like a sewer. A little fight breaks out about who curses the most. No one wins although Granny wins a little bit because she goes to church and gets forgiven every Sunday for saying ‘fuck’ and ‘bastard’ and ‘shithead’. Da is forgiven because he sometimes goes to church, but Ma doesn’t go to church at all and is chosen as the worst swearer in the house with no one to forgive her.

  I go to my room and feel so sad I could cry, but I don’t because that would make Dirty Alice the winner of love. I grab a pillow and shove my face into it so no one can hear me and yell, ‘Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!’ I also punch the pillow as if it is her stupid Christos, who stole Dirty Alice from me. Then I see her Valentine’s card and her stupid talent show poster sitting side by side and I rip them up into a thousand pieces. I hate her card and I hate her poster. I hate Dirty Alice McFadden and hope she dies.

  I am dizzy with all the punching and swearing and thinking of dying and I feel bad I hoped she would die. I don’t want Dirty Alice to die but I do want her to fall down or something and break a leg or hurt herself really bad and then she would need help with walking around and I wouldn’t help her. I would let her fall.