by L A Cotton
Personal.
Who was I kidding? I was being paranoid. No one knew me here, knew my history, or the secrets of that night.
“You didn't come to Jay's last night. We headed straight there after the game.” Lilly sank back against the locker, and I balled up the note, stuffing it into my pocket. “What's that?”
“Oh nothing, just some notes I don't need.”
Evan entered my periphery vision. He didn’t make eye contact—didn’t even look in my direction—but I couldn’t take my eyes off him. I wanted to be angry with him. And part of me was. The rest of me could only remember last night. His hands on my body. The way he’d held me as I came apart under his touch. I was beginning to wonder if something was very wrong with me. It wasn’t normal, surely, to have such intense feelings toward someone who wanted to hide you away from the public eye? But something about Evan drew me in. Maybe it was the way he inadvertently protected me. Maybe the victim in me latched onto that—needed that quality in a guy.
Maybe a part of me wanted to be saved.
“So where were you?” Lilly’s voice pulled me back to the school hallway.
“I got off work late and headed straight home.”
Her eyes searched mine. “We didn't hang out long. The guys were bummed the Wildcats lost.”
“I didn't have them down as fans?”
“They're not, not really, but they like to support Eric.”
Closing my locker, I turned to Lilly. “They lost, huh?”
She shook her head with a groan. “It was total annihilation.”
Walking side by side, we pushed through the morning chaos. Having a reputation as the school slut had some perks, and people parted when they saw me coming. But I couldn’t find it in me to care anymore. Caring meant Kendall had won, and I refused to give her the satisfaction.
I knew it wasn’t true.
My friends knew it wasn’t true.
Evan knew it wasn’t true.
That was all that mattered.
“You’ll be around at lunch?” Lilly paused outside her class.
“I guess.” It wasn’t like I had anything else to do. It wasn’t like Evan wanted to be seen in school with me. It wasn’t like that at all.
“Catch you later.” She smiled and slipped into the room. I continued down the hallway to my class.
“Slut alert.” Someone coughed as I approach. A group of Kendall’s friends huddled together outside the room—waiting for me, no doubt. I didn’t hesitate as I headed for them, frustration pumping through me. I let it take over, consume me, and as I passed them, I looked right into the speaker’s eyes and flipped her off. Her face blanched with shock, and one of them gasped. But I didn’t care.
I was done caring.
Ami Walters had cared and look where it got her.
Credence was my home now, and I wasn’t letting anything chase me away.
Anything.
“Looking good, Becca,” Vin called out as I approached the table where my friends were eating.
“Thanks, I think,” I murmured, waiting for Scarlett to scoot up.
“We’re hitting Rogues tonight. You in?” she said through a mouthful of some kind of congealed pasta.
“Yes.” I didn’t even hesitate.
“Good. I need to get wasted or high or both. I haven’t decided yet.”
“Everything okay?”
“Just the usual shit.”
I didn’t know Scarlett’s shit—she hadn’t trusted me with that yet—but if it was anything like the rest of the kids in Credence High, I had a pretty good idea.
“Hey, guys.” Eric guided Mischa over to us, but I tried not to look at them.
“Hey, loser,” Vin barked.
“Vin.” Jay batted him on the head. “Seriously, man, you need a filter. Unlucky last night, Eric.”
He shrugged. “They outplayed us. Our defense isn’t working. Coach kicked some serious ass in the locker room. It wasn’t pretty.”
“It wasn’t that bad,” Mischa said, gazing up at Eric like he could do no wrong. In her eyes, he probably couldn’t.
He smiled down at her. “We sucked, babe. It’s okay. I can take it.”
“I should try out for the team. Reckon I could shake things up,” Vin declared.
“The only thing you’d be shaking up is the cheerleaders when you try and work your magic on them.”
He frowned at Jay, and then his eyes widened with excitement. “What? You think I stand a chance?”
“No, I don’t think you stand a chance.” Jay rolled his eyes. “Someone please tell me, how are we friends?”
The rest of us laughed, and the table fell into comfortable chatter. I was picking at my fries when I felt him. I risked glancing behind me, and there he was. Standing against the wall, next to the main door into the building, Evan was far away enough that it wasn’t obvious what he was doing, but I knew he was watching me. His eyes burned into me.
“I gotta pee. I’ll catch you guys later?”
“I’ll swing by at six?” Scarlett said, not looking up from her tray.
“Sure.”
Evan saw me leave the table, watched as I started for the door, but he pushed off the wall before I reached him and disappeared inside. Nervous energy hummed through me. He didn’t want to be seen with me. But it was okay for him to watch me? I didn’t know what to do with that, whether to be flattered or pissed or both.
Both seemed fitting.
He moved through the empty hallway without looking back, but I followed, keeping enough distance that it wasn’t obvious. It felt like a game. I didn’t want to play games, though. Games got out of hand, and people got hurt. And I didn’t want to get hurt—not again.
I rounded the corner and stalled. Evan was gone. The hallway silent and empty. I continued to the end, but there was still no sign of him. My shoulders sagged, and I hitched my bag up ready to turn back when a door opened beside me, and a hand reached out, yanking me into the darkness.
“What the hell?” I snapped coming face-to-face with Evan.
“Hi.” His eyes glittered with mischief.
“Hi?” I shrieked, my heart racing. “You scared me.”
“I’m sorry.” He crowded me, and I stepped back, the door clicking shut behind me.
“What are you doing, Evan?” I blew out an exasperated breath.
“I wanted to see you.” Defiance shone in his eyes, but I narrowed mine, trying to figure out what was going on in his head.
“You just saw me; I was right there. I know you were watching me.”
“Okay, but I really, really wanted to do this.” His voice vibrated through me as his hand reached out, pressing against my cheek and sliding into my hair. He tugged me toward him, our lips colliding. God, he tasted so good. I curled my hands into his sweater, cementing us together.
And then I remembered his words last night.
“Wait.” My hand flattened against his stomach and pushed gently. Breaking the kiss, he sighed, touching his head to mine. “I thought you didn’t want this?” I pulled back, searching his eyes. “Last night, you made it seem like it wasn’t going to happen again. What changed?”
“You think last night was a one-time deal?” Shock lingered in his voice, but that made no sense.
“Wasn't it?”
“Not if I have anything to do with it.” He tried to pull me closer, but I held firm, craning my head up.
“So you do want to see me again?” I asked.
His eyes narrowed, the air changing around us. “What is going on in that head of yours?”
“What is going on with me? You were the one who invited me back to your place and then said you didn't want to see me again.”
“I never said that.”
“Yes, you did.” Didn’t he?
He looped his arms around my waist, anchoring me to him. I couldn't think with him this close. “No, I said it would be better if we avoided going public. I want to see you, Becca. I just don’t want to make thin
gs any worse than they already are.”
What? I didn’t have time to consider his words as he captured my lips again. My body melted into his as our tongues swirled together, and a shiver worked its way through me, memories of Evan touching me invading my mind. My back ended up pressed against the wall, Evan’s legs pinning me there, connecting with me in all the right places. When it was like this between us, he filled up all my doubt, pushing away the nagging questions.
Evan made me forget.
And I wasn’t sure that was a good thing.
He broke the kiss, grazing my lips, and reality slammed back into me. “You want us to keep this… whatever this is, a secret?” I gasped. Just what I needed in my life … more secrets.
He brushed the tip of his nose across my cheeks, over the bridge of my nose, and across the other cheek. “For now. You’ve seen how people talk in this place. Talking shit, spreading rumors. I don’t want that for us.”
Us. Why did that single word mean so much to me? Why did I cling to it in hopes that it meant more than it probably did?
“And when people see us sneaking out of the closet? Your stealthiness sucks.” I laughed, but it was strained as I was still trying to process what he was asking of me.
Evan’s eyes dropped to my mouth. “It was worth it,” he said with a smirk that sent my stomach into a freefall.
“And now?”
“Now, you go back to your friends, and I’ll see you in class.”
“Class, right.” Now, I was staring at his mouth, need pulsating through me.
“Becca.” It wasn’t a question.
“Yeah?” I blinked.
“You’re staring.”
Breaking out of my Evan trance, I shirked him off and huffed. “I’m going. You, stay here. We wouldn’t want people to talk.”
His laughter followed me out of the closet as I slipped into the empty hallway, wondering what the hell I was getting myself into.
“You want?”
“What is it?” I eyed the bottle in Scarlett's hand, and she smirked.
“Does it matter?”
“No.” I took it, unscrewed the cap, and swallowed a mouthful. Fire exploded in my throat, causing my eyes to water. “Holy shit, that's strong.”
“Momma's finest,” she replied casually, but I saw the flicker of sadness in her eyes.
“Hey, everything okay?” I urged, but in typical Scarlett fashion, she waved me off. “Peachy with a side of keen.”
“I love your outfit.” Lilly slipped her arm through mine and leaned in close.
“Thanks. I think I'm finally getting the hang of it.” My style was somewhere between Scarlett’s edgy look and what I liked to call the new Becca.
“You look so cute. There are the guys.” I followed Lilly's gaze. Jay, Malachi, and Vin were waiting just outside the house. They strolled over to us, and Vin's gaze raked over me as he approached. “Looking good, ladies,” he drawled, and Scarlett huffed, brushing past him and continuing on to the house.
“Becca.” He slung his arm over my shoulder, and I choked out, “Hey, Vin,” uncomfortable with his forwardness.
“Always so cold,” he joked. “If only you'd give us a chance, you'd see what you're missing out on.” His voice was always the same—light and playful—but it didn’t stop my skin from crawling. I just didn’t feel anything for him. And truth be told, I didn’t like him touching me, not after the rumor Kendall started.
“What's that? A bad case of herpes?” Jay howled, and I stifled a laugh.
“Fucker,” Vin mumbled under his breath, guiding us to the house. Music poured out of the open door, and I ducked out of his grip, entering the house ahead of them. They had all warned me that Kendall would probably be here tonight, but I refused to stay home. I had a plan: only drink from my own bottle and stick to one of the guys at all times. Evan wouldn't be here, so it wasn’t like I could rely on him to swoop in and save me, not tonight. I still wasn’t completely sold with the whole seeing him in secret. Aside from it being torture—being unable to touch him or kiss him every time he was close—I didn’t like keeping it from my friends.
“Here you go, straight from the cooler. Opened it myself.” Scarlett pushed a beer into my hand, and I thanked her, taking a long pull. “Easy, tiger.” She laughed. “Let's try and see the night through, yeah?”
I flashed her a wry smile and shrugged my shoulders. She didn't need to worry about me. But my resolve was fleeting as I felt eyes on me. Kendall and her friends walked into the room. Anger flashed across her face as they trained their gazes on us. On me.
“Just ignore them. You knew she'd be here,” Scarlett whispered, and I nodded, lips pressed into a flat line. That was exactly what I intended to do—ignore them and drink until I forgot she was there.
“Water. I need water.” I leaned back against the counter, my skin glistening from dancing in the overcrowded living room.
Scarlett laughed, handing me a bottle of water. “Beer. I need beer,” she added.
I frowned. If it wasn't a joint, it was a drink, but I’d worked out by now that it was Scarlett's way of coping.
“There she is,” a voice slurred, and a groan worked its way up my throat. Vin stumbled over to us, slinging his arm over my shoulder. “My new favorite.”
“Nice. Real nice,” I murmured, rolling my eyes and trying to shirk him away, but his arm was a dead weight and refused to budge.
“Well then, I’ll be leaving you two lovebirds to it.”
“Scarlett!”
She flashed me an amused wink, and I sighed heavily.
“Awesome. I’ll keep Becca company. Right, babe?” he slurred in my ear, and my head shot up. I glared at him. “Don’t ever call me that again.”
“Whoa, no need to get your panties in a bunch.” He laughed. “Baby? Sweetheart? Sugar? I’ll call you whatever you what.”
“Vin,” I warned. He was wasted. I saw it now in the way his head bobbed on his shoulders as if it was hanging on by a loose thread. “You’re really drunk.”
“Am not.” He snuggled his face into my shoulder, his lips far too close to my skin, and I stilled as my skin crawled with a vengeance.
“Okay, buddy, back up.” Using my elbow for leverage, I tried to push him off, searching for Jay and Lilly in the crowd, or even Malachi. Scarlett had disappeared into the sea of drunken bodies and was nowhere in sight. This was all I needed.
“Oh, come on, Becca. I’ve been waiting to get alone with you. Lighten up a little.”
“Vin.” He stumbled, plastering me against the wall, caging me in. “Get off me.” I pushed hard, but he didn’t budge.
“Come on, just one kiss. I know you like me. It’s impossible not to.” He grinned sloppily, his eyes rolling into his head. I sighed. Even in his drunken state, Vin managed to be cocky.
“Not happening, big guy. Now get the hell off.” My voice was firmer.
“Just. One. Ki ...” He leaned forward, and I braced myself, and then something snapped. My knee jerked up, connecting with his balls, and he yelped like a little girl.
“Motherfucker!” Vin staggered back, clutching his crotch. “What the fuck is your problem? You prissy little bitch. Think you’re so much better than the rest of us, little cock tease.” He was no longer talking to me, but his words stung all the same. Tears pricked my eyes, but before they could fall, I was being yanked away.
“Walk it off, Vin,” Scarlett’s voice was cold. She wrapped an arm around me and led me away just as I heard Jay say, “Nice one, fuckup.”
“You okay?” Scarlett guided us through the back door and out into the yard. It was quieter.
“Yeah.” I broke out of her grip and hugged myself tight. “I can’t believe he turned like that.”
“He’s wasted, and he’ll regret it in the morning.” And that was supposed to make it all right? I narrowed my eyes at her, and hers widened. “Don’t give me that look. I didn’t think he’d do that,” Scarlett exhaled.
“You knew he was
wasted.”
“I didn’t think he’d go all creeper on you. I thought perhaps you’d dance and hook up—”
“Scarlett! How many times do I need to say it, I. Am. Not. Interest—”
“Interested. Yeah, yeah.” She waved me off. “I got the memo. You and Vin, not happening.”
“So why’d you do it?” She knew exactly what she was doing when she left me alone with Vin. I saw it in the flicker of regret in her eyes.
Scarlett slumped back against the wall and released a long breath. “I thought you two could help each other out.”
“Huh?” Now, I was the one staring wide-eyed.
“Vin is … well, let’s just say sex helps him forget, and you, well, I’m still trying to figure you out, but I figured getting laid might loosen you up a little.”
“Seriously, you thought if I hooked up with Vin, it—”
“I can see how messed up that is now.”
“You don’t say,” I snapped.
“I’m sorry, okay? I’m a fixer. It’s what I do. Vin, well, he’s a work-in-progress.”
“I don’t need fixing, Scarlett.”
My demons were too deep for that.
“I’m starting to get that.” She pushed off the wall and smiled. “Come on, let’s find Lilly and dance. No more guys, I promise.” Her mouth opened, and for a second, I thought she had something else to say, but she shook her head and disappeared into the crowd.
Vin avoided us for the rest of the night, or maybe he’d gone home. Either was fine with me. The three of us danced while the guys stood watch. Not that anyone tried to bother us. My slut status was like a quarantine order—stay away, or you might catch something. But I had everyone I needed. Scarlett. Lilly. Even Jay and the guys.
Evan … well, I still wasn’t sure where things stood with him. Every time I thought we were getting closer, he would pull away. But it didn’t stop me from searching him out, even though I knew he wouldn’t show. He was serious about keeping our … well, whatever we had, a secret. And Lilly and Scarlett were right about the way he kept to himself around school. I never saw him hang out with other guys, and he barely spoke to people in the classes we shared. Evan was a loner.