If I Could I'd Wish It All Away (I Wish Book 1)

by Lisa Helen Gray

  His smirk and wink make me blush harder. “Well, thank you, my lady. So do you. I’ve prepared a beautiful dinner out on the lake for us. I know it’s getting late, but Brooke said you hadn’t eaten since she went out on her errands this morning. I thought we could eat together,” he offers, and my heart melts at his sweet gesture.

  “Sounds amazing. It’s a date,” I grin, then realise what I just said and groan.

  “C’mon,” He chuckles, thankfully not mentioning my date comment―although his eyes say it all.

  *** *** ***

  Night has fallen by the time Dean stops the boat, leaving us floating in the middle of the lake. I lean back onto the pillows he brought along for us and gaze up at the stars. They seem to be shining extra bright tonight.

  My mind drifts to Dean and all the sweet gestures he does for me, sometimes without even realising it. Like the time he gently grabbed my arm, helping me down a rocky step, so I didn’t face-plant to the ground, or when he bought me some flower seeds to plant in the front of the cabin after I mentioned it needing brightening up. The little things make me open my heart up for him more and more.

  Dean hands me a baguette and lies back against the pillows next to me, getting lost in the stars. He’s been uncharacteristically quiet tonight, and it’s beginning to worry me.

  As I chew on my baguette, I glance at him, gauging his reaction. He seems lost in thought, and I know something is deeply bothering him. It’s written all over his face. His features are all scrunched up, and his body is incredibly tight.

  “Dean, have I done something wrong? Or have I said something to upset you?” I ask him, so nervous my hands start to shake. I have to put down the last half of my baguette, my appetite gone.

  Maybe he regrets our time together up at the mountain. I’ve been obsessing over it, the thought plaguing my mind.

  He shakes his head at my question, giving me no words or answer. Pain fills his features, like whatever is bothering him is physically hurting him and either he doesn’t know how to tell me, or he doesn’t know how to approach the subject. Knowing him, he’s most likely trying to protect me.

  “What is it, Dean? You’re scaring me.”

  I will not cry!

  Not when I need to be strong for him, for me, and for us. I need to show him I’m strong enough to handle whatever he’s about to throw at me.

  When he finally looks up at me, his eyes are filled with pain and despair. My heart breaks from seeing him like this, and I desperately wish there was something I could do to make this better. But I can’t do anything to make this better if I don’t even know what’s wrong.

  “There’s something I need to tell you, and you’re not going to like it. I just want you to know before I tell you that I’m sorting it all out. I promise you,” he says, his eyes sad and haunted.

  Why do I feel like my world is about to come tumbling down around me?

  Chapter 15

  A million thoughts are running through my head at what he could possibly need to tell me. What has he done? Did he contact Rick? Has he found me? My breathing comes short and fast, leaving me gasping for air as a million and one negative scenarios run through my mind.

  I feel his hands on my back, his soothing voice urging me to calm down. “Lola, take a deep breath, slowly. C’mon, breathe in through your nose, baby, and out through your mouth. That's it,” he praises as he runs a hand up and down my back, helping me to calm down.

  “Tell me,” I demand. A conflicted look crosses his face before disappearing just as quickly. “Please, Dean. Whatever it is, you have to tell me. Please; please just tell me.”

  “Okay.” He nods, gulping, and looks me square in the face. “You know when you first arrived and I told you we were having problems with some people over the land?” he asks.

  “Yeah.”

  “Well, as you know we bought the land surrounding the field we had the outdoor cinema on. We paid double the amount the land is indeed worth, and to make the money back, my mom and Pagan had a bunch of ideas to bring in more visitors. Anyway, a woman came around three months after we bought the land, asking us to sell it to her for three times the amount we originally paid. Mom declined and so did Dad since the land is important to us. With the economy the way it is, we need all the help we can get, and the cabins are Mom and Dad’s only income.

  “Ever since they declined she’s been trying to get us to sell the company as a whole. When she found out how much the place is actually worth, she started becoming relentless. We don’t want to sell to her, so she’s been making it difficult for us to obtain certain requirements we’ll need to make this a success. She keeps finding clauses in the business contract we set up with the local council. It’s made it difficult for us to get the go-ahead with our plans and the cabin expansions.”

  “Okay,” I say slowly, not really sure if I’m following the bigger picture. As much as I hate that this woman is ruining their livelihood, I’m puzzled as to why he seemed scared to tell me about this. I don’t understand why he would think I’d be upset.

  “Dad texted me when we arrived back from the mountains. He said he’s arranged a meeting with our lawyers to go over everything,” he explains, but that only confuses me more, like having a puzzle with missing pieces.

  Dean, seeing my confusion, gives me a regretful look, one filled with such sadness that the hairs on the back of my neck begin to rise.

  “Lola, our lawyers are with Lawson Solicitors. Your father was originally Dad’s attorney, but we were passed over to your granddad after… after your parents died.” Pausing, he takes in a deep breath. “I found out today that your granddad has assigned our case to Patrick Holmes,” he says and I pause, blocking everything out as I try to process what he’s telling me.

  He looks down at his hands, waiting for me to catch up and when I do, everything around me begins to blur. How? Why? When? Oh God, when?

  When he sees my panicked look, he pulls me into his lap. I shove my face into the crook of his neck, letting out a strangled sob. I thought I was getting stronger, that I was ready for anything, but this? This just proves I’m nowhere near ready.

  “Lola, please don’t cry. It’s breaking my heart. I’m going to ring your granddad when we get back and get him to give our case to someone else. I won't tell him anything if you don’t want me to. I’ll even tell Dad to go down there instead of them coming here, but if he does, then he’ll definitely mention you being here. We need to tell someone, Lo. I think you granddad will be the best bet since he can stop Rick from working our case. At least if he does, then he’ll know you’re safe.”

  “When does he come?” I ask, my voice a hoarse whisper. I’m still in shock. I really believed I was free.

  “In a week. He takes the twenty-minute flight on Wednesday, so that gives us eight days to arrange something else. Okay?”

  “Okay,” I agree, still trying to wrap my head around the whole thing. “What do I do, Dean? If I tell Grandpa what he’s done to me, then he’s going to fire him. He’ll just end up bringing himself a lawsuit for an unfair dismissal. If I tell your dad then he’ll tell your mom, and they’ll both treat me differently, and I don’t want them to think I'm weak, Dean. I don't think I can do it. I don’t think I can burden them with this.”

  “Lola, no one could ever think you’re weak. Will they worry about you? Yes. You need to realise that we love you, Lola. We always have. You’re not alone anymore. I’ll talk to Dad about it, and I promise not to go into too much detail. I’ll just give him a brief rundown.

  “Your granddad has been a lawyer for a long time, and his father was one too. I think he knows ways of firing someone without breaking their contact. I think you need to have more faith in him, in me, in us, and my parents. You need to believe that we will never let anyone hurt you or even treat you differently.

  “Yes, I treat you with care, Lo, but that’s because you’ve been through too much. I feel like when I talk to you, when Brooke talks to you, nothing we say r
egisters. It’s like you don’t believe what we’re telling you. What Rick drilled into your head is making it hard for you to trust us. Your mind has gotten used to all the negativity he threw at you. You need to let us remove the poison he injected in your mind by replacing it with our love and care. Are you with me?” he asks, holding me closely.

  My belly flips when he says ‘we love you.’ I know it's not him saying he's in love with me, but still, the fact they love me is a gift all on its own. It's enough to help me through this, I hope.

  “Okay, but I need to be the one to tell Lily and Grandpa. I understand everything you’re telling me, Dean, but it's just so hard sometimes to process it. I can't explain how many times I’ve been put down or how deep his words cut me. It’s hard to remove what is already imbedded. I felt his words more than his fist. The way he would say them, like it was a normal thing for a boyfriend to say, when in reality, none of what he said was okay. I didn’t deserve those hateful words or his anger, I know that now.

  “The way I dressed, what I slept in, what I did for a job, what I drove, what I spent money on, who I talked to, when I bathed―they’re just a few of the things he had control over. But it’s taken me until now to realise that. There are some things that never even registered in my mind because I couldn’t see it. There was always something worse happening between us, so I never noticed the smaller things he was doing,” I tell him, wiping under my eyes.

  “Fuck, Lo. You need to get me and get me quick. You have all that back now. Look, I didn’t want to say anything because I knew you’d be upset, but I’ve contacted an old colleague to dig up some dirt on Rick without it being traced back to us. I just can’t sit back and do nothing, and every time you mention something new of what that fucker did to you, the stronger my urge is to kill him. I just want you to be happy. I’d do anything to protect you,” he says fiercely, running his fingers through his hair.

  I understand now why Dean was so worried about telling me. I always knew I would eventually see him again, one way or another, but I hadn’t expected it to be so soon.

  “Shit! I’m so fucking sorry for keeping this from you. I swear,” he says and when I don’t answer, my mind still going over everything, he takes my silence the wrong way. “I’ll take you home,” he says quietly, looking defeated.

  I’m still sitting in his lap, so I turn, swinging my legs on either side of him to straddle him. His face is full of shock, and I’m pretty sure mine is just the same.

  Then it hits me why he’s been so distant intimately, when I’ve known he’s wanted me.

  He wanted to protect me.

  He wanted to keep me from knowing until he thought I was ready to hear it without breaking down. And he knows I’m big on trust and if he had acted like nothing was going on and kissing and hugging me, I would be pissed. I can’t even be mad at him because I’d have done the same if the roles were reversed.

  But he also wanted to give me some control back, letting me initiate what we do. He’s letting me be the one to make the decisions.

  Finally having something figured out, something I know I can fix, I lean forward, letting my lips hover over his before giving him a soft, wet kiss, my arms snaking up his biceps before clinging to his shoulders.

  He angles his head so he can deepen the kiss and I moan into his mouth, needing him closer.

  “So, we’re okay?” he asks, a hopeful look on his face.

  “Yes, but Dean? Have you not kissed me because you wanted me to make the first move, or did you just not want to kiss me?” I ask, feigning being brave.

  “I’ll always want you to kiss me,” he says, his eyes hooded as he reaches forward, sealing my lips with another kiss before moving back. “But I needed you to know you have complete control over this, that you have control over me and that there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you,” he mumbles against my lips.

  “Stupid, stupid man.” I chuckle. “It’s not about control with you. You could give me that, and it wouldn’t matter because we don’t need it. We’re equals,”

  His eyes darken before he slams his lips back down on mine, stealing my breath away.

  The kiss deepens, and I find myself moving closer, needing to be closer. I grind down on him, and the sensation of my sex rubbing along his thick, hard length has me moaning into his mouth and clinging to his broad shoulders. His hands slide down to my hips, and the pressure from the tips of his fingers sends delicious tingles shooting through my body. It feels so good it hurts.

  When we pull away, we’re both breathing heavily, and Dean gives me one of his sexy grins. I blush when he looks down, seeing the position we’re in.

  Asshole!

  He gives me a dirty smirk.

  Regardless of the awful conversation we’ve just had, I feel safe. I can relax easily despite knowing Rick might be coming because I trust Dean to protect me. There’s no way he’d let anyone hurt me. They’d have to go through him first, and as much as I don’t want Dean involved or to get hurt, he already is.

  I shift in his lap and sparks of pleasure shoot to my clit, causing my eyes to roll back. Dropping my head and focusing on Dean, I giggle at his expression and the pained noise that escapes his mouth.

  “What’s so funny, Miss Lawson?” he whispers, his voice hoarse and scratchy.

  “Just the position I have you in, Mr Salvatore,” I tell him, surprised by my bold remark.

  “Ahh, Miss Lawson. I believe you’re blushing.” He smirks, squeezing my hips with a dark chuckle.

  “You would be correct, Mr Salvatore. After all, not everyone can have your confidence and arrogance,” I tease.

  “Oh, fighting talk. I love it when you talk dirty to me.”

  He smirks and winks, and I playfully smack his arm, which only makes him laugh. Before I know what’s happening, I’m on my back with my arms pinned above me.

  Then he does the unexpected, the one thing I can’t cope with.

  He tickles me.

  I scream, laugh and snort, not even caring how unladylike I sound. Gah, I hate being tickled.

  Have you ever been tickled so much that it hurts your sides and you can no longer control your body’s reaction? Yep, that’s what Dean’s doing to me. I’m embarrassed to admit I’m seconds away from peeing myself too.

  “Please, Dean, stop! I’m… I’m going to… wee… myself,” I say through streams of laughter. My cheeks ache and my stomach hurts from laughing so hard. It feels good, really good, to finally let go.

  He stops tickling me, yet keeps my arms pinned above my head. This position would normally cause a major panic attack, but I don’t even freeze. There’s nothing about Dean that scares me.

  He presses his weight on top of me, making me feel warm and safe, amongst other things. Meeting his gaze, I see so many emotions flashing―love, lust, and desire.

  When he brings his mouth back down to mine, I feel like magic is being passed through us. I feel light, like I’m floating on air.

  Unlike his previous kisses, this one is softer, more tender, and I cling to him like he’s my lifeline. Something in the kiss feels different, stronger, and I don’t know whether it’s because my feelings for him have grown or something else. My emotions are all over the place, but I make sure to pour as much love into the kiss as I can, wanting to show Dean without words how I feel.

  “Wow!” he rasps, licking his bottom lip.

  You can say that again! I stare up at him, my hands still above my head. I wiggle my wrists and fingers, and immediately he loosens his grip.

  “That’s one word you could use,” I say, nodding, breathless.

  Dean grins down at me, his eyes shining. “Do you want to go home?”

  I shake my head, grinning. “No.”

  Believe it or not, I’m feeling more alive than I have for a while. I actually feel like doing something I’ve never done before, never experienced. Dean makes me feel like I can do anything, and I want that to be true so desperately. I want to show him I’m not just some weak girl
, that I can be much more, and I can have fun.

  Before I even came to the cabins, I swore to myself I would never let another man near my mind, body or my soul. In fact, the thought of being with another man made me physically sick. But it was the fear of never falling in love or having children of my own that haunted me, made me want to change. With Dean, I don’t have to worry about him taking anything from me because he consumes all of my waking thoughts. I’d also willingly give him my heart, my soul, and my body.

  “What would you like to do?” He grins, and I grin back, tilting my head to the side. A thought occurs to me, and a wide smile spreads across my face.

  “How about we go for a swim?” I ask, looking up through my dark, long eyelashes at him.

  He cocks his eyebrow at me, making him even sexier―which I thought was impossible. I give him a daring grin, the one I’d give him as a child when I knew he wouldn’t go through with something. He laughs, shaking his head at me before standing up and slowly peeling off his clothes. I can’t help but ogle his muscled chest as he reaches behind his neck and lifts the shirt off in one fluid motion. My breath catches.

  He catches me looking at his defined six-pack―or should I say eight-pack―and I blush. I don’t bother looking away; I’ve already been caught, so I’m going to get my fill.

  “Lola, my eyes are up here,” he says, pointing to them, trying to act offended.

  I laugh and stand up, stripping out of my clothes, Dean’s hot gaze on my body. Everywhere he looks it leaves a burning sensation in its wake. His eyes rake up my legs, over my stomach before reaching my breasts, lingering for a little longer there. A blush creeps up my cheeks, and I can’t help but look away from his perusal, feeling shy and insecure.

  His body is perfection, and seeing him looking all god-like only ignites the insecurity I have in me.

  I’m damaged goods.

  I find myself trying to cover up as I stand there in only a red lace bra and matching briefs. I feel stupid for even buying them now and for thinking I could pull them off.