Suitcase of Dreams
Page 37
‘Is this what you want?’ Heinrich let go of my elbow and sat very still, as if bracing himself.
My heart fluttered and skipped a beat. ‘We agreed, didn’t we? You want to finish your studies and we both want to be working and independent before we marry. We want our own place without our parents interfering with our lives. You don’t want us to live at home, do you?’
‘We wouldn’t be very happy.’
I slowly released the breath I had been holding. ‘Of course we wouldn’t,’ I agreed, my heart resuming its normal rhythm. ‘Can you imagine either of our mothers telling us what to do all the time?’ I grasped Heinrich’s hand and gave it a squeeze. ‘We’ll be so happy in our own place. It doesn’t have to be much because it will be you and me.’
‘I know we will.’ Heinrich kissed my hand. ‘I want to get more work at the hospital and prove my worth before I graduate, so I have a better chance at a permanent position. After all, I’ll be cheaper than a more experienced doctor. I’d rather be here and really make a difference than at a field hospital. There are too many who can’t be saved on the front,’ he said quietly. ‘I don’t think I can do that again. It destroys the soul.’
My skin prickled to hear him holding back tears. The familiar anguish I had seen him carry after two tours to field hospitals on the Eastern Front never truly faded and could resurface at any time; it was something he didn’t like to speak about but I had seen his torment.
‘It’s a good plan,’ I said, my voice strong for his sake. ‘It will see us through this war. With good management, we’ll both have jobs here in München. I’ll promise Mutti that as soon as that happens, I’ll begin planning this wedding. I need you here to do that – otherwise between my mother and yours, they’ll drive me crazy. You have to keep me sane!’
‘All right, all right.’ He laughed, raising his hands in defeat. ‘I promise to do my best not to go anywhere. Tell your mother that we’ll begin planning the wedding but we’ll set a date for after I’ve graduated, when I’m sure I’ll have work. I want us to have every chance of a long and happy life together.’
‘You haven’t asked me how I feel about letting go of my dream.’ A stab of pain pierced the pit of my stomach. I couldn’t believe that he’d offered me no support in the one thing I really wanted, the one thing I had worked so hard towards. My dream defined me and I couldn’t believe it had died before it had ever had a chance to live.
‘I’m sorry they won’t let you go,’ he said softly. ‘You know how it is for me with my parents, they hold me so tightly, so I understand your predicament . . . but I think it’s for the best. You know that your mother will never cope with you away. Ludwig’s death took such a toll on her, as does always wondering if the same will happen to Willi. I don’t know that she’d survive if something happened to you.’
I pulled my hand away, unable to look at him. He didn’t need to remind me that I was being selfish. Vati had already made me see reason. Shaking my head in irritation, I picked a flower stalk and flicked it at him, trying to hide the deep hurt that made my gut twist and ache. ‘It’s not fair.’
‘Come now, Lotte. It was never practical or achievable. How can we plan a wedding if you’re working away from München? Besides, women from our kind of background don’t need to work. If not for the war effort you would never have studied photography or considered a career.’
‘But I want to work,’ I interrupted, appalled that in these modern times, he would disregard a woman’s career as unnecessary. A thrill of panic rushed through me. I thought Heinrich understood my need to contribute to the war effort, to make my brother’s sacrifice mean something, but this was the first time he had ever told me that he didn’t really support my efforts to become a photojournalist on the front – or anywhere outside of München for that matter. ‘Did you show your mother my letter?’ I held my breath as well as his gaze, waiting for his answer, not sure how I would react if he said he had.
His eyes widened with hurt at my accusation. ‘No. I would never do that to you, I would never betray you. It was an accident.’ He grasped my chin, his blue stare penetrating. ‘You know that, don’t you?’
I nodded, sighing, and Heinrich released me. Despite his protestations, I felt numb – desolate and betrayed.
‘If anything happened to you . . .’ Heinrich’s voice caught. I jerked my head up in surprise, catching the glint of tears in his eyes as he turned to look at the stream. ‘You don’t know what it’s like but I do. If I didn’t lose you one way, it would be another. You would not cope with the things you’d see, with the terrible conditions, the human tragedy. It changes you, and I don’t want you to change. I don’t want you to go anywhere. I want you here, where you’re safe, whole and happy. Then I can get through anything that might be ahead and come back to you, knowing you’ll be waiting for me. I don’t want to lose you.’
I stared at him stunned. ‘I had no idea you felt that way,’ I whispered. We had never really articulated how we felt about each other. But we had known each other so long, I had been sure we both felt we knew each other inside out.
‘I can’t wait to marry you. I want to keep you safe, make you happy and give you everything. I want us to be together always.’ He kissed me passionately.
I couldn’t help but forgive him. Heinrich was my future and my decision was already made. ‘There’ll be other dreams,’ I said. ‘You and I have many adventures ahead of us.’
Heinrich grinned, his forehead touching mine. ‘With you, I can be sure of that! Life will always be an exciting ride with you by my side.’ He stood, holding out an arm to help me up. ‘Come, I have to get back to study.’
Also by Tania Blanchard
The Girl from Munich
SUITCASE OF DREAMS
First published in Australia in 2018 by
Simon & Schuster (Australia) Pty Limited
Suite 19A, Level 1, Building C, 450 Miller Street, Cammeray, NSW 2062
A CBS Company
Sydney New York London Toronto New Delhi
Visit our website at www.simonandschuster.com.au
© Tania Blanchard 2018
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without prior permission of the publisher.
Cover design: Christabella Designs
Cover image: Mark Owen/Trevillion Images; PhilipYb Studio/Shutterstock
Cover photographs © Mark Owen/Trevillion Images; PhilipYb Studio/Shutterstock
Typeset by Midland Typesetters, Australia
ISBN-13: 978-1-92559-617-5 (eBook)