by Dee J. Stone
We get into the back room. Two beds are squeezed inside, along with a small dresser. Guess Rey and I need to share that. No carpet on the floor.
This will be home for the next year and a half. Or until Rey decides to get his act together. Although, I don’t know if I want to go home. Yeah, I do. But I also don’t.
Mom seemed a little hurt with my moving in with Dad, but she told me to go. I guess she wants me to look after Rey, too.
“I’ll leave you to unpack.” Dad rests the suitcases on the floor.
I choose the bed at the window. Rey doesn’t object. I sit down and he sits down on the other one. We face each other.
“Homey,” I say.
“You didn’t have to come.” He’s trying to pretend that he doesn’t give a shit, but I know he’s glad I’m here.
He shuffles back until he hits the wall. Crosses his arms over his chest and stares at his sneakers.
This loud ticking noise. I glance at the wall and see a familiar clock. The one Rey and I bought for my dad as a Father’s Day gift when we were younger. It’s round and white, with a train that says, “Best Daddy Ever.” Mom got headaches from it because of that damn ticking. I guess Dad kept it.
I try to block Lex out. She’s on my mind, all the damn time. I keep going through it over and over in my head. Could I have said something different to convince her to give us another shot? Did I not prove enough to her how much I love her and how my heart belongs to her and only her?
I grab my pillow and fling it. It knocks into Rey. “What the hell?” he yells. Chucks it back to me.
I catch it and toss it aside. “Sorry.”
“Ever since you came back from Lex’s, you’ve been in this crappy mood. What happened?”
I don’t say anything.
“Cruise?”
Damn, the tears. I make a fist, feeling my fingers digging into my palm. The pain doesn’t keep the tears away. I turn my head and wipe them away before Rey could see.
He gets up and sits next to me. Rests a hand on my arm. “Cruise.”
Tears keep coming. Like I got a damn hose in my eyes. “She dumped me.”
I’m not looking at him, but I feel him jump back like my words gave him an electric shock. “She broke up with you?”
I curse under my breath. His surprise makes me feel even more pathetic.
“Why?”
“I don’t know. Don’t even get it. We got too much baggage. She can’t deal with it.”
“But…but you guys are perfect for each other. You love each other.”
I get up, face my back to him. “Don’t try to hide your excitement.”
“I’m not excited. Why would I be excited that the girl you love broke your heart? Geez, do you think I’m such a horrible person?”
I rake my hands through my hair and turn around. “Fuck, sorry. I didn’t mean any of that. Didn’t mean to take this out on you.” I walk over to the wall, make a fist to slam in. But I curl my hand to the side. “Feel like shit.”
“I can imagine. I’m so sorry, Cruise. Can you talk to her? I’m sure she’ll forgive you—”
“It’s over.” I squeeze my hands into fists again. “It’s over.”
Before he can say anything else, I get down in front of my suitcase and rummage around until I find my pajama bottoms. I march to the bathroom for a shower.
The shower, the damn shower. One of the places that forces me to think. Her face pops in front of me. Her beautiful, expressive blue eyes, sexy wavy black hair. I punch the wall. The tiles leave a mark on my knuckles. I don’t give a damn. I punch it again. Again and Again.
When I get out of the shower, I head straight to bed, ignoring Rey and his questioning eyes.
Chapter Thirty-Two
Lex
My eyes snap open. My head pounds. Glancing over at the clock, I realize I’ve overslept and missed dance practice.
I turn over to my other side and squeeze my stuffed hippo to my chest. I don’t care about dance right now. I don’t care if Coach yells at me. I don’t care if I come late to school. I just don’t care about anything.
Not having Cruiser in my life created this void in my stomach. It feels like my insides are getting sucked in and soon there won’t be anything left of me.
As I tossed and turned last night, I replayed the breakup in my head. Did I overreact? I threw away the love of my life. I’ll never talk to him again, snuggle with him, feel his lips brush against mine, his fingers exploring my body.
I made the right decision. I know I did. Because I was jeopardizing our relationship at every turn. When he took care of Rey, when Erica kissed him. If I continued that way, I would have destroyed him. I’m just not ready.
A part of me is one hundred percent sure that he didn’t kiss Erica. That he couldn’t possibly cheat on me. But the other part wonders if I’m too naïve and trusting. Cruiser’s not used to being in a committed relationship. It’s the truth. He was messed up just as much as I was by Rosie’s accident. He coped by sleeping around. Maybe there’s nothing he can do about it.
It hurts so much. More than it did two years ago. I hardly made it through that. I don’t know if I’ll make it through this.
My hand itches for my phone to call him and apologize and beg him to come to me. So I can hold him and kiss him and tell him how much he means to me. But all I do is hurt him. I have to stop doing that. Cruiser’s been in love with me for years. He’s never moved on. I held him back—he got into trouble because of me. He needs to have a good life. He needs to move on and be happy. All I do is ruin everything for him.
Slowly, I haul my body into a sitting position. I blink at the strong sunlight peeking in through my shade. It causes tears to seep out of my eyes. Or maybe my tears are not due to the sun.
I reach for my phone to send Dani a text. Can I catch a ride with you?
I run my hand through my hair. It’s a tangled mess. All I see before me is his face as he left my room last night. Hurt, confused. I always manage to hurt the people I care about. I’m so screwed up.
My phone beeps. I assume it’s a text from Dani, but my breath catches in my throat when I see the sender and message. T. Rex, please. Can we talk? I miss you like hell. I love you like hell. Please give us another chance…
Tears make their way into my eyes, but I push them back. My hand moves to my upper chest, to wrap around the heart pendant that used to hang off my neck. I only get skin. I glance down at my naked wrist. I feel so empty without them.
I should delete all of his messages. I should. But I can’t.
My phone beeps. I sigh, hoping it’s not another message from him. I can’t bear to see his heartbroken words.
It’s Dani. Missed practice?
My body sags in relief. Yeah. Pick me up in ten?
Sure.
Thanks.
I drag myself out of bed, grabbing a pony holder and twisting my hair into a bun. I need to forget about him, for once and for all. But I know that will never happen.
Once I’m dressed, I head downstairs for breakfast. Mom is at the table with Rosie, who’s munching on toast while she plays with her cereal. Dad’s nowhere to be seen. Did he take more hours at work? Maybe in case they decide they want Rosie to go through the procedure Jamie’s having?
I’m in no mood to talk to anyone. I just want to crawl into a cave and hide there forever. I wish my mom and sister a great day and slink away. The Dalton house catches my eyes—how could it not when they live right next door? The garage door is closed. I expect Cruiser to come out. I expect him to rush over to me and gather me in his arms, hug me close, and tell me it was all a horrible dream and that we’re still together.
But the garage door stays closed.
I know I hurt him. I imagine him lying in bed, fighting the tears. Maybe he’ll move on and see how much I’ve been holding him back. Maybe he’ll meet a girl who deserves him. I hope he will. I want him to. All I want is for him to be happy.
A beep jolts me out of my thou
ghts. Dani’s sitting in her convertible. I head over to the passenger side and climb in. “You okay?” she asks.
“Fine.”
She knows everything that happened. She never judges or tells me what to do, just listens and gives great advice. I don’t know what I’d do without her.
She scrutinizes my face. “You didn’t get much sleep last night, did you?”
I fasten my seat belt. “Can you blame me?”
“Not at all.”
She starts the car and drives toward school. As much as I try to hold them back, the tears crash through my eyes and fall down my cheeks. I turn my head to hide the tears from Dani, but she hands me the tissue box that sits on her dashboard. I give her a quiet thank you before wiping my tears.
I fall back in the seat. “Love sucks. So, so much.”
She nods. “Why do we do this to ourselves?”
I sit up and glance at her. “Is there anything going on between you and Simon?”
She shakes her head. “Just thinking.”
I fall back in my seat and gaze out the window. After a minute or two, I say, “I still love him.”
“Of course you do.” She puts her free hand on mine. “Are you going to wait for him? Until you’re ready to have a relationship with him?”
I swallow away a new wave of tears. “Cruiser’s the one for me. There’s no one else. But I hope he doesn’t wait for me. He deserves to be happy.”
“You do, too.”
Wiping my eyes, I say, “Maybe one day.”
Chapter Thirty-Three
Cruiser
School sucked-ass today.
The kids looked at Rey and me like we beamed down from another planet. Dad told us it was a small school, but damn. Not that I was planning on making friends or anything.
We come home to our little apartment. I lie in bed, throwing Rey’s stress ball from one hand to the other. He surfs the Net.
I should look for a job. I miss Juice Me like hell. It’s weird to miss work. But I do. When I first got the job, it was to keep me busy. Keep my mind off Lex, my parents, and all I was dealing with coming home from New York. Then I grew to love it.
But Juice Me is what caused Lex and me to break up. Well, not Juice Me, but Erica. Maybe I don’t miss it so much.
At 5:30, I hear Dad park in the driveway. When I come out of the room to say hello, he does a double take like I’m a burglar. Then he laughs. He forgot Rey and I are living with him now.
“Need help with dinner?” I ask.
He lays his briefcase on the small coffee table in the living room. “Thanks, Cruiser, but I can handle it.”
I return to my room. Lie back down and toss the stress ball from one hand to the other.
I won’t text her. I won’t, I won’t.
I texted her five times today. So pathetic. She’s not planning on answering. Ever. She doesn’t give a crap about me anymore. Maybe she never has. Maybe all I was to her was a distraction. Hell if I know.
Love, it stinks. Real bad. I don’t even know why the whole thing was invented. Why do we put ourselves through all the crap when we’ll just get hurt? One good thing about having a casual thing with a girl is that I never got hurt. Never committed myself, didn’t expect anything from them and they never expected anything from me. I told myself I won’t be that guy anymore. Promised myself I wouldn’t go sleeping around with girls anymore. That I was ready to have a committed relationship. With Lex.
Hell, maybe I should go back to sleeping around. But deep down, I know I don’t want to. I want to be in a committed relationship with a girl. I want to be with a girl I love. A girl who loves me. Is that even possible for someone like me?
I puff out some air and throw the stress ball to the ceiling. It goes splat before plummeting onto my stomach. Makes me cough. Rey looks up from his laptop for a sec, then returns to whatever he’s doing.
After what feels like hours, Dad peeks his head into the room and tells us dinner’s ready. The smell reaches my nose. Pasta. Rey and I follow him to the kitchen, where three plates and silverware are set on the table. In the center is a bowl of spaghetti and sauce.
Dad laughs sheepishly as he sits down. “I’m still new to the whole cooking thing.”
Rey sits down near Dad. “I’m starved.”
“Me, too,” I say, sitting across from Rey.
Rey grabs the spoon and pours some of the spaghetti into his plate. The thing falls down in one clump. Dad laughs again, his cheeks turning pink. Rey shrugs and puts some into his mouth. “Not bad.”
I take some for myself, then pass the bowl to Dad. We eat in silence. Not that our family were great conversationalists when my parents were together, but it’s a lot different now. More awkward.
Dad clears his throat. “So how was school, boys?”
Rey shrugs. “Fine.”
Dad looks at me.
“School is school.”
Rey got some sense today and wore something decent. When I asked him about it this morning, he claimed he didn’t want to make a bad impression. That there’s no point in both of us making us look bad.
Dad clears his throat again. “Your mother. How’s she doing?”
Rey and I lock eyes. Why’s he asking about her? Rey motions me with his eyes to answer. I motion for him to answer. “Why did you even leave?” he asks.
Dad slowly lowers his fork to the table. Presses a napkin to his lips. “It was the best decision.”
“What the hell does that mean?”
“Please watch your language, Reagan.”
“You’ve been together for twenty years.”
Dad picks up his fork and continues eating from his lump of spaghetti. The room gets quiet, except for the sound of Dad’s fork clinking on his plate and Rey’s heavy breathing.
Rey leans back and crosses his arms over his chest. “Finally got balls to leave her?”
“Rey,” I say.
He rolls his eyes. “You’ve wanted to get out for a long time, haven’t you? You were just scared.”
“Shut up, Rey.”
“You shut up!”
“Boys.” Dad drops his fork. “That’s enough. Finish eating.”
Rey’s chair scratches against the floor as he shoves away from the table. “I’m not hungry.” He marches to his room.
Dad continues eating, his eyebrows furrowed. I push some spaghetti around in my plate. “Why, Dad?”
He sighs. “There are some things you don’t need to know.”
“Like what? You cheated on her?”
He doesn’t say anything.
“The hell?”
“I didn’t cheat on her.”
“She cheat on you?”
“Cruiser—”
“Why won’t you just tell us?”
“What do you want me to tell you?” He throws his napkin onto the table. “That I never loved your mom? That my parents pressured me to marry her?”
My mouth drops. “What?”
“Finish your dinner.”
I don’t want to finish my dinner. Don’t want to push this away. I knew Mom was always the dominant one in the house, but to learn Dad never loved her? It ain’t right.
“So why did you leave now and not years ago?” I ask.
“Cruiser,” he warns.
I gather my plate and Rey’s and dump them in the sink. I rinse them out. When I’m done, I head back to my room. Rey’s got the stress ball, throwing it against the wall. I drop down next to him.
He sits up. “What?”
“Dad left because he never loved Mom.”
His eyes widen. “What?”
I shrug.
“That’s a little messed up, isn’t it?”
“Yep.” I take the stress ball from him. Squeeze it. “Does it matter if you love the person you marry? You’ll end up with a broken heart either way.”
Rey studies me closely. “You’re talking about Lex.”
I don’t say anything.
“Did you talk to her?”
“She won’t answer my calls or texts.”
“Man, I’m sorry, Cruise.”
I roll onto my back. “Feels like I have no reason to live anymore. She was my world. She gave me a reason to live. I know, pathetic.”
“You’re not going…” His voice shakes and he can’t finish his sentence.
“I’m not gonna kill myself.”
He sighs in relief.
I shut my eyes tight. “Damn, I wanted her so bad for so long…” My eyes open and I look at Rey. “Sorry, I’m being a dick.”
“For what?”
“For talking about wanting Lex when she was with you. That’s very selfish and inconsiderate of me.”
Rey waves his hand. “I told you I’m over her.”
We’re quiet for a few seconds.
“You should try to get her back,” Rey says. “You can’t give up that easily.”
I swallow the lump in my throat.
“Hey, if you squeeze my ball any harder it’ll explode all over the place.”
I loosen my hold. “Sorry.”
He slaps my shoulder. “Just trying to lighten the mood. But, Cruise, it’s not like you to just give up.”
“How’s that not like me? I gave up on everything in my life. Violin, school, the Navy. I’m a quitter. A loser.”
Damn, now I feel even worse for feeling sorry for myself.
“You’re not a loser. I don’t hang out with losers.”
I snort. “Have you seen the guys you were hanging out with back at South Beach High?”
He slaps my shoulder again.
“Don’t get in with the wrong crowd here.”
“As if there’s a wrong crowd in that lame school.”
I sit up, keeping my eyes on him until his reluctantly move to mine. “I’m serious, bro. You got a chance to start over here. No one knows you left Kelman’s. You don’t need to go around having to explain why you’re no longer attending such a famous school. No shame, no excuses, no nothing.”
I see my words spinning around in his head. Hopefully, he’ll get his head out of his ass and fix his life.
“It’s a great way for you to start over, too, you know,” Rey says.