The Fiche Room

by Suzie Carr

  “And you want to, don’t you? I can tell by the way your fidgeting with your pen.”

  I stopped fidgeting. With great effort, I folded my restless fingers in front of me. I slid into uncertainty again. Where had all the strength I had summoned within me gone to? “Goldie, I don’t want to get into this.”

  “You’re not good at acting strong, my friend. I can see right through you.”

  I caved into submission. “Fine. You want to know the truth? I’m afraid. I’m afraid to let go. I’m afraid if I do, she’ll move forward without me.”

  She pushed towards me and moved in close by my side. “What are you going to do about this?”

  “Nothing, Goldie. I can’t do anything about it.”

  “I know it hurts,” she said, placing her arm around my shoulder.

  I sunk into her embrace. “I miss her so much.”

  “I know you do.”

  “I’m trying to move forward, but I just can’t. She colored my life. Now, my life is like a pencil outline drawing, filled with emptiness, devoid of color or shading.”

  “That’s not the way a bride is supposed to feel.”

  “I’m attempting to change that. Just today I told my dad that I’d move on from the fiche room to upstairs at the firm.”

  “That doesn’t sound like progress.”

  “Goldie, he looked so damn pathetic lying on the floor, clinging to life. I owe him to at least try it. Besides, I think leaving the fiche room will help me to move forward.”

  “You’re going to hate life soon.”

  Her words stung.

  In my dreams, I saw a studio where I could retreat to everyday to draw and paint. Then, on weekends, the studio would be filled with hungry art buyers, eating up my work. On nice days, I’d venture outside and use the backdrop of the Blue Ridge Mountains in West Virginia as my muse. That would be the ultimate life. Actually, the ultimate would be venturing to the Rocky Mountains with Haley by my side acting as my muse.

  Instead, my life would become days spent indoors, sandwiched in between other glass offices where my only view would be a bunch of cubicles filled with people in suits. But the result of that would be a closer relationship with my dad, things more in common with Colin, and a breakaway from my past. A past that surely couldn’t suit my lifestyle.

  “It’s time I get out of that fiche room.”

  “I thought you liked your fiche room.”

  “It’s laced with too many memories that I need to put behind me. I have to get this fantasy life out of my head. It’s destroying me inside. I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. I’m getting these dark circles under my eyes.” As much as I tried, I couldn’t control the tears welling up. I leaned my head into my friend’s and let the tears fall.

  “Why are you torturing yourself like this, then?”

  I could only shrug.

  Through the brief silence, I heard the faint jingling of keys. And then the sure sound of the front door opening. And finally, Charlie emerged in the living room, and I didn’t fight his welcoming arms as Goldie slid out of place and he moved in. “Hey, Curly, what are all these tears about?”

  “She’s really heartbroken,” Goldie said to him.

  “I think he can see that,” I said. I laughed from behind my tears.

  “She doesn’t realize I am as observant as I truly am.” He flashed her a teasing smile.

  “She’s not happy with Colin.”

  I jerked my head to her. “Goldie?”

  “What? He knows you’re not. Any fool can see that.”

  “She just called me a fool,” he said to me with a smirk.

  “She’s called me much worse. Just wait until you know her a little longer.”

  She sat atop the arm of the couch and kissed the top of his head. “Charlie knows he’s a fool already. That’s why I love him so much.”

  He turned his attention back to me. “You know, I battled a similar situation when I met my first wife.”

  “You didn’t tell me that, Goldie,” I said to her. Then, turning back to Charlie, “You were in love with another man?”

  “Not another man, no. But I was in love with another woman prior to marrying my wife. I choose my wife. But that obviously wasn’t the best choice at the time. We were divorced less than a year later.”

  “And the other woman?”

  “Here I am,” Goldie said, waving her hands in the air like a fool herself.

  “What? You knew Charlie before all this? Why didn’t you ever say anything to me?” I asked.

  “He was an engaged man. How do you think you would have reacted?”

  “I would have told you to stay away from him.”

  “You would have been fixated on the fact that he promised his heart to someone else, and I was getting in the way of that.”

  “I would’ve said that too. And now look at me. I’m just as guilty.”

  She stretched her eyes in an exaggerated attempt to prove she was always right.

  “How did you meet up again?” I asked him.

  “I picked up the phone and fortunately for me, Goldie hates change. She still had the same phone number from years prior and we picked up right where we left off.”

  “That is the sweetest story.”

  “Listen, if you have your doubts, don’t walk down that aisle,” he said.

  I plucked a tissue from the plastic canvas holder perched proudly on Goldie’s end table and dabbed at the corner of my eye. “Colin really isn’t as bad of a guy that Goldie makes him out to be.”

  “If you’re choosing to marry him, I’m sure he’s not,” he said.

  “I told Emma we should all get together. Maybe once we all hang out and have a great time, you’ll feel better about everything.”

  “Would he care to hang out with this burly man?” He asked me. He had such a refreshing carefree attitude that I couldn’t imagine someone not wanting to hang out with him.

  “Of course he would,” I said.

  How could anyone not like these two quirky people? I could never understand Colin’s aversion to Goldie. Why did her quick wit and brutal honesty not intrigue him? Convincing him to go would prove challenging. With Haley, having a good time with them was a given. You could pair Haley up with a couple of doorknobs and she’d figure out a way to have fun. But Colin was different. “I’ll set it up.”

  “Why don’t we just put these away for now,” she said, gathering the invitations and putting them back in the box.

  As each one piled on top of the other, the reality struck me that I was further away from a clearer mindset than ever. All I knew for sure was I didn’t want to look at another one of those model-perfect invitations that day.

  ****

  If Colin had snapped his head towards me any harder, I would’ve bet my life that it would have broken. “I really don’t want to spend a night with her, Em. Just tell them that I’m busy.”

  I flew to my office door and closed it, attempting to gain what little privacy I could in the see-through glass cage. “No, I’m not going to tell them that you’re busy. If you ever want me to go out with your friends again, you better drag yourself and a smile out with us.”

  He lounged back against my new office chair, resting one foot on the edge of my mahogany desk. “Why? What’s the point?”

  “The point is they’re my friends and Charlie wants to meet you.”

  “I’m not looking to make new friends, Emma. We have enough friends already to fill our calendar.”

  Throughout our relationship, he had always referred to his friends as our friends. They weren’t my friends. “I’m not classifying them with the same people we fill our calendar with. They’re friends of mine.”

  He shot up straight in the chair. “That friend of yours is weird. When I brought her back to get my car from the hospital, you know what she did? She threatened to put a curse on me.”

  I couldn’t stop the laugh from escaping. I could just picture Goldie waving her hands and murmuring some silly non
sense curse at him. “A curse?”

  “She said she’d make it so my hair fell out if I ever left you alone at a hospital again.”

  She would have to put an awfully potent curse on him if she expected his thick crop of hair to fall out cooperatively. “Serves you right. You did leave me there by myself.”

  “Emma, your being there made no sense. There was nothing you could do for him. The doctor told you he would be fine.”

  I resisted his advancement from the chair to my side by backing into the corner between my new filing cabinet and conference table. “That’s comforting to know that should I end up in a hospital someday, you’ll just go along with your routine and ignore my suffering.”

  He draped his arm over the top of the oak cabinet, peering down at me. “You can be so overdramatic. If your dad had been suffering, of course I wouldn’t have left. But, he didn’t even know we were there. He was probably groggy.”

  I crossed my arms to my chest. “I still think it was wrong.”

  He plopped down into one of the new conference table chairs. He sat forward, using his thighs as a stoop for his elbows. “What do you want me to do?”

  “Come out to eat with my friends.”

  A half-smile crept on his face, releasing an eager scoff. “I walked right into that one, didn’t I?”

  I baited his mocking smile with one of my own. “Yes, you did.” I slipped into the seat across from him. “And you didn’t think I could outsmart you.”

  With willing eyes, he stared at my lips, seemingly mesmerized by the fresh coating of lip gloss I applied before he entered my office. “It’s just because you drive me crazy.”

  I used his distracted mind as leverage to maintain control over the issue. “Then, you’ll come?”

  When he didn’t respond, I raised guarded eyes. “Well?”

  “I’m choosing the place.”

  I feigned casualness in his surrender. “Just don’t make it too fancy.”

  “Are they bringing the kid?”

  My eyes flew at him. “The kid?”

  He took a sip from his water bottle. “I forgot his name.”

  “Her name,” I said, frustrated.

  He took another inflated sip. “Well, is she coming?”

  “No, Tatiana isn’t coming.”

  Walking over hot coals barefoot would have been easier and less painful than this little coaxing drill I had to go through. From then on, when he wanted us to go out with his snotty friends, I vowed to put up a stink just like he was doing. Nevertheless, I would make the best of this sure-to-be fiasco.

  Chapter 16

  Six weeks before the wedding, I dragged Colin out for our double date with Goldie and Charlie. If it weren’t for Goldie’s insistence that him and Charlie meet, I would’ve canceled. We would meet them at The Snapper Bar and Grill, Colin’s choice.

  He made no effort to hide that he was in no way looking forward to spending the evening with a bunch of hippie people.

  Maybe Colin would surprise me and everyone would end up having the best time.

  We sat at the bar to wait for them. Colin nursed a scotch, I guzzled a martini. And when Goldie and Charlie finally arrived in jeans and matching sweatshirts, I silently vowed I’d never conjure up a blatantly foolish scheme like this ever again.

  “You’ve got to be kidding me,” Colin whispered, nodding toward our dinner dates. “Didn’t you tell them what kind of place this is, Emma?”

  “Wow,” Goldie said, drinking in the atmosphere with wide eyes. “I think we’re under-dressed.”

  “Nonsense,” Colin said, rising to usher her into the inside seat against the wall. “Don’t worry about a thing. They’re lax with the dress code. I won’t let them throw you out onto the street, at least not without having a cocktail first.”

  “They may start asking us to clear the tables,” Charlie said. “We better get us a drink, and fast.” With his thick-bearded face and small hole on the edge of his back pocket, he flagged the bartender with the confidence of a man in Amani.

  “You have to admire a man with a smart plan,” Colin whispered sarcastically into my ear.

  Annoyed, I flashed him a warning. “Can you at least act like you’re having a good time tonight?”

  He’d never be capable of having a good time with someone like Charlie. Colin would never be able to win him over in his usual way of flashing his dazzling smile or one-upping through intellectual insight. The only way to impress someone like Charlie was to be sensitive, to be willing to expose his weaknesses.

  Colin sipped his Scotch looking about as comfortable as a man waiting to go into a job interview. He flexed his jaw and thwarted all eye contact with my hooded-sweatshirted friends. By the time we sat down at our table, Colin was drunk.

  The menu didn’t list prices. Etiquette rules dictated never to ask in an upscale restaurant like this one. But, Goldie never did care about rules. So when she blurted out the omission, Colin was quick to interject. “The price isn’t important,” he said to her, gritting his teeth. Then, turning to the waiter, he said, “I’m taking care of this.”

  “Oh, in that case,” she said, “I’ll take the Filet Minion. Can I have that cooked so that the cow is good and dead?”

  I giggled under my breath. I had to hand it to my friend. She sure knew how to handle herself and put people in their place. She played Colin like a finely tuned instrument, testing his nerves, perhaps best when she ordered three different a la carte salad choices just so she could sample the different salad dressings that the waiter, in his well-rehearsed mantra, spieled out to her. Charlie just sat next to his adoring fiancé with a sly grin on his face, enjoying the show as much as me.

  “So, Colin, Emma tells me you’re a fan of Denver,” Charlie said, not flinching from the kick in his shin that I bestowed upon him.

  Colin shook his head up and down. “I wouldn’t go as far as to call myself a ‘fan,’ but it was a pleasant place to visit.”

  “It would be great to camp out under the stars in one of the National Forest Parks up in the Rockies,” Charlie said, looking to him for agreement. Only one experience could make him even more uncomfortable than he was now, and that was camping.

  “I suspect you’d like to.” Colin scanned the room, drawing in a labored breath. Then his eyes landed in the bar. “Listen, would you excuse me for a minute? I see someone I know in the bar.”

  Of course he did. He seemed to know everyone wherever he went. As soon as he was out of earshot, I turned to my friends, “I’m so sorry. He can be such a snob.”

  “I know a cure for that,” Goldie said.

  “Honey, no scheming. I think we should just leave him alone,” he said to her. “I’m sure he’s trying. We’re just not his type, that’s all.”

  “Like hell he’s trying. Emma knows I don’t sugar-coat anything. I think he’s acting like a complete ass. I say we throw him in the fire while it’s hot.”

  “And the fire being?” I asked.

  “You’ll see,” she said.

  I didn’t push the question any further. Maybe she’d forget about it.

  Twenty minutes went by and the three of us had scoped out every person in the place guessing their age and marital status.

  “That man is definitely not her husband,” Goldie said. “Look at the way he stares into her eyes as though he’s seeing her for the first time. And the way she swings her hair behind her shoulders. They are totally on a first date or having an affair.”

  “Maybe they are madly in love with each other after twenty years of marriage,” Charlie said as the waiter placed a steak in front of him.

  What a romantic. “Goldie, you’re so lucky. Do you even realize how much?” I asked.

  “Ma’am would you like fresh ground pepper on your salmon?” the waiter asked me.

  I nodded and continued when she didn’t answer me. “Seriously, how many men would state such a tender comment?”

  “Yeah, I know. I’m very lucky.” She turned to the waite
r and said, “Please don’t put pepper on his entrée,” motioning to Colin’s steak. “If he wants pepper, he can ask for it himself if he ever returns to the table.”

  Goldie kissed Charlie — a sweet lingering kiss.

  “How are your three salads, Goldie?” I asked.

  She dug her fork into one, then the other, then finally the last, getting three good helpings of each on her fork before stuffing the exotic lettuce into her mouth. She ate like a kid, and I loved watching her enjoy herself. “Yum,” she mumbled.

  Charlie reached for my hand. “We’re sorry we showed up in clothes you’d wear to a baseball game. Truth is, I don’t even own a tie. They choke me. I could never understand how a guy could get used to having that collar around his neck all day, cutting off his circulation.”

  I patted his hand, “I love you guys so much. I’m sorry I put you through all of this. I feel so out of place here.”

  “You know, Emma, the truth is, I’d rather be chomping on stale pretzels and chugging a pitcher of beer at the bar where Haley sang,” he said.

  “I can feel the fire calling,” Goldie widened her sly smile.

  “Oh no,” I said, realizing her plan.

  “Oh yes.” She winked.

  “Hey, they’re doing karaoke tonight. That’s easier than singing with a band,” Charlie said. “So, will you get up and sing this time?”

  A surge of bravery swelled in me. “You’re looking at the karaoke princess here,” I said, pointing to myself. “I won contests in my earlier days.”

  “Let’s be truthful here,” Goldie said, “Do I need to remind you the reason you won those contests?”

  “Give me some credit, Goldie.”

  “I was the damn judge! You could have shattered glass, and I would have still handed you the twenty-five dollar prize.”

  “I’m sure she can sing,” Charlie said.

  “Okay, maybe one song, she’s got down, but Emma do you remember the night Jay had you MC for the night?”

  I winced. “You had to bring up ‘Anticipation,’ didn’t you?”