Daisuki

by Hildred Billings

  “Sometimes I wonder…” Reina began. “Am I broken? Should I have been born a man?”

  “You’re not broken,” Michiko reassured her. “You’re wonderful. I’m sure Ai-chan thinks so, too.”

  “But wouldn’t it be better if I were a man? For her sake?”

  “You make it sound like she’s a child.” Michiko traced her hand down to Reina’s pelvis, hesitating. When Reina didn’t forbid her to continue, Michiko reached between her legs and stroked her. “Aiko is a grown woman. She made her decision to stay with you a long time ago.” Michiko’s fingers were near inside now. Reina caught her breath, waiting for fear to course through her. “She loves you.”

  Michiko’s fingers were now inside. Reina couldn’t tell if the rush thrilled her or scared her. “I know.”

  As Michiko kissed her and rubbed her hand against the “real” Reina, she said, “And I love you. No matter how you decide you feel or want to do, I will support you. I’m sure Ai-chan will support you and go with you wherever you want to take your life.”

  Thrilled. Reina melted into a puddle of acceptance, of warmth, of the reality outside the fantasy, of the same teenaged Reina who ran around with long hair, short skirts, and ridiculous make-up and didn’t give a damn. She was gone, absorbed into the flat body she shared with short-haired, pants-wearing and harness-using Reina. Why couldn’t they be the same? Hadn’t Aiko loved both versions as much? She followed me when I made that change. And all she said was how much she loved my haircut.

  A whimper escaped Reina’s lips as she became aware of all her female parts and how good they felt when another woman touched them. No, not any woman. Her best friend. The one, they would say, that got away. But she was here now, comforting Reina the way she loved best.

  “Thank you,” Reina said into Michiko’s ear afterwards, as they held each other in the dwindling hour they had left. “For everything.”

  Aiko cleared away the last of the cracker crumbs and tea spills as Reina and Michiko carried on some conversation about an event happening in their high school days, back before Aiko had learned two women could successfully have sex together. She beamed as she retreated into the kitchen with her trash and rags – this was her first time seeing Reina so bouncy all week, and it eased her mind from thinking her girlfriend was depressed.

  She re-entered the living area with a package of chocolate cookies, although neither woman at the table noticed. Aiko sat down in the empty spot next to Michiko and watched the friends continue to bicker about which of the nuns at their school were closet lesbians.

  “I’m telling you, Sister Angela was way too into our private lives.” Reina wagged a finger beneath Michiko’s nose in her surety. “Always asking us about our for-nee-kay-shuns.” Aiko suppressed a snigger at Reina’s hackneyed English. “She even gave us those little pamphlets showing gay couples doing it! With Xs through them, but doing it all the same!”

  Aiko spat out a cookie as Michiko laughed beside her. “Those were hilarious! Didn’t we get all excited afterwards because there was some gay couple in there doing some position we’d never seen before? If only Sister Angela knew we had her to thank for The Spoon Drawer!”

  “Sounds interesting,” Aiko chimed in. “That would have never happened at my school.”

  Reina cleared her throat and looked away; Michiko turned to address Aiko. “Trust me, you missed nothing. Catholic school was awful. My mother sent me there to try and cure me of ‘the gay,’ but I have no idea what this one’s mother was doing.”

  A shrug. “All the women in my dad’s family went there. After he died my mom got it in her head to send me there, even though it cost half a house in tuition.”

  “Well, from the sounds of things, you two had a very active…erm, social life in high school.” Aiko didn’t know if she felt like giggling or swooning over the image of a long-haired Reina in a schoolgirl’s uniform deflowering her classmates. In Aiko’s mind the image amounted to a curving line of female students all waiting for their turn. Reina always muttered “That’s not how it went at all,” but never elaborated. It bugged her that most of those girls went on to marry men and never give other women a second thought.

  “Hm, yes, social.” Michiko spotted the cookies and helped herself to one.

  “Too bad I didn’t go there with you two. Maybe I could’ve lost my virginity sooner.”

  “Aw, you didn’t wait too long! I seem to remember some eagerness in a certain karaoke booth.”

  The room went quiet. Blushing, Aiko glanced across the table to see Reina flush as well.

  “Ah, screw you both,” Reina said, standing. “Be right back, I gotta go to the toilet.”

  As she shuffled out of the room in her noisy slippers, Michiko turned to Aiko again and let her smirk linger. “Nee, Ai-chan,” Michiko began, her eyes sparkling in mischief. “Remember that day in the karaoke booth?”

  Aiko picked up another cookie and pretended to study the bumpy ridges. “Of course I do. That was so embarrassing back then.” She didn’t like to dwell on it, but all those years before when Reina’s “I don’t give a shit” attitude and saucy come-ons captivated her, she was too shy and too naïve to approach her. Her cousin, the fourth member of Reina and Michiko’s dance group, had told her about the exploits in high school, and poor Aiko, on the verge of wondering why her ex-boyfriends never appealed to her sexually, found herself dreaming about kissing the cigarette-smoking girl. But Reina was boorish and too intense for someone like Aiko back then, so she went the indirect route of going through Michiko. I thought if I slept with her first, I would be brave enough to face Reina. Michiko had seen right through her, though, as they went to karaoke for a date. Between songs Aiko had tried to kiss Michiko, only to get laughed at. Twenty years later, here they still were, and Reina was her girlfriend.

  “I thought you were sweet.” Michiko chewed her cookie. “Although I did kind of worry that I was sending you into the wolves with that one.” She jerked her thumb toward the door where Reina went. “Sweet little virgin you were. Well, you’re still sweet, but definitely not virginal.”

  “No, I suppose not.” Thinking about that first time in a love hotel felt too exposing, as if Michiko would pick right up on the images and dissect them. Aiko never talked to anyone about that time, except for Reina, who had been chivalrous in her own way. I was living a movie I had yet to see. Aiko had a stack of them in the corner now, and Reina hated them all.

  When Reina returned, she and Michiko slipped right back into their comical stories and general goading of the present day. Aiko continued to eat cookies and keep a respective distance from their annual bonding. A part of her wished she had such an old friend to reminisce with, but all of hers had passive-aggressively edited her from their lives once she announced to them she was a lesbian.

  They were probably just as surprised as I was. Aiko never had any inclination she was a lesbian until she met Reina, when everything fell into place like an unexpected puzzle. And sometimes she still couldn’t believe it until Reina came home again and she saw her girlfriend’s familiar face and figure – and then it was like the whole world bloomed inside her again, setting off the appropriate neurons telling Aiko, “This is what you want.”

  Still, it would be nice if her friends hadn’t left her.

  But Aiko wasn’t as charming as Reina, who could make friends with any like-minded woman crossing her path. Aiko consoled herself in knowing Reina’s best friend lived across an ocean and merely came to visit once or twice a year. She supposed that made them more even.

  And when Michiko announced it was time for her to go, Aiko saw Reina’s smile disappear and her body slump onto the table. “You have to go already?” she said, reaching out to touch Michiko’s retracting hand. Something bit Aiko’s insides.

  “Well, I have to leave sometime!” Michiko searched for her things around the table. “My grandmother wants to take me around the neighborhood one last time before I fly home tomorrow. I’ve gotta leave before the
sun starts setting.” She mumbled, in English, about how early the sun always set in Japan.

  Reina pouted a little longer before getting up to show Michiko out the door. Aiko went and stood in the entryway while she watched the two say their goodbyes – their hug lasted quite a time, until Michiko ended it and chided Reina for her selfishness. Another bite clamped Aiko’s heart.

  “Reina,” Aiko cooed long after the front door closed and Reina continued to stare at the empty space in the genkan, “how about we go out for dinner tonight? I’ve been wanting Chinese food lately.” When Reina didn’t respond, Aiko approached and slipped her arms around her girlfriend. She put her head on Reina’s shoulder and felt her steady, methodical breaths. “You’ll see her again.”

  As if Aiko’s words were a chisel to the temple, Reina took in a sharp breath and shook her head, ejecting all the daydreams Aiko wasn’t privy to see. “I know. I just hate it.”

  “Well, she is your friend.” Aiko clutched her tighter. “I can only imagine how tough it is.”

  Reina continued to stand in her vortex of depression, Aiko’s hand burying itself in a palm. “Shit, I don’t want to go back to work on Monday.”

  After taking a moment to let that sink in, Aiko burst out laughing and brushed her nose against Reina’s arm. Here she thought Reina was depressed about her friend leaving! “Come on, let’s go get some dinner. Maybe we can go to…karaoke afterwards?”

  Just as hoped, Reina turned her head and looked down into Aiko’s face with raised eyebrows. “You are a naughty girl, Ai-chan.”

  “Well, it seemed appropriate, granted current conversations.” The gnawing in Aiko’s stomach turned into petite warmth as she recalled her first kiss with Reina, in the corner of a karaoke booth with a microphone pressed between them. The sparks flying that cold winter day could have set snow on fire. Aiko assumed that was when Reina decided it was time to haul her to that cheap love hotel. She never suspected she would dash from a first kiss to a first orgasm. “Besides,” she then attempted to purr, the warmth in her stomach extending south, “when we get back later maybe I can try that thing Mi-chan showed us last night?”

  Reina’s eyeballs popped to meet her ascended brows. Ah, there was the magic suggestion! Aiko admitted she had the same reaction the night before up in their bedroom, when Michiko stayed the night and demonstrated what Reina’s new favorite “thing” was with a sex toy. Aiko doubted she could do it with the same thoroughness as someone like Michiko, but hearing Reina’s fascinating shout to the ceiling at the end of it was enough to make her want to try. It can’t be that much different from trying to eat a banana whole.

  “Well shit,” Reina said. “What are we standing here for? Let’s go get some damn Chinese food so we can hurry up and get back.”

  So they did.

  The only thing worse than ending up trapped at a wedding reception was surviving it alone. While Aiko went off to mingle and converse with her family, Reina was left sitting at an otherwise empty table in the middle of Eri Takeuchi’s, now Eri Narita’s, nuptial party.

  And what an obnoxious deal it was. Between the hordes of guests Reina had never met before and the French food hopping away on its legs, she thought she would melt into a sweaty puddle and die. She preferred the reality in which Aiko was never invited, let alone with a plus one, but couldn’t say “no” more than three times until Aiko’s face turned red and puffy. The things Reina went through for her!

  Reina could not appreciate a wedding. When Aiko heard “wedding” her eyes would sparkle and her mouth would drop open in the most ridiculous rictus Reina had ever seen. When Reina heard “wedding” her eyes rolled and her mouth blabbered about how pointless they were. What a waste of money! Reina surveyed the expense of not just the wide and vaulted reception venue, but also the minute decorations, and the bride’s large Western dress costing more than the materials were worth. She always heard something about “love” but couldn’t comprehend it. What was the point in starting a life together in debt? At least life as a lesbian meant she never had to worry about such frivolities.

  She checked her cell phone once more for messages and then lifted her head to scan the room for Aiko. She played with the flower girl, who, Reina recalled, was Aiko’s youngest niece. She took the girl’s arms and twirled her around to the music.

  Although the reception hall was air conditioned, Reina still felt like she would spontaneously combust in her formal suit. It wasn’t much more than appropriate trousers, a silk white shirt, and a suffocating black blazer, but she wasn’t the one who liked to shop for and mix and match clothes. That role belonged to Aiko, who spun around on the dance floor in a pale, pink dress and matching heels. Regardless, Reina drowned herself in a glass of ice water when the maternal demon came waltzing up to the table.

  Her. Only one woman was worse than Reina’s own mother, and that was Junko Takeuchi, the mother-in-law who wasn’t so in-law. She stood on the opposite side of the table from Reina, her veiny hands clasped before her boring periwinkle dress looking like it smelled of old lady. Reina wrinkled her nose as a result.

  “Konnichiwa,” Junko said through a firm face.

  Reina nodded. “Konnichiwa,” she greeted back. Maybe that’s all the soul-sucking crone needed; maybe some old-lady club dared her to come say hi.

  But no. Of course not. Junko pulled out a chair and slammed her bony ass into it, making a “puff!” sound with her throat when she hit the surface. Not once did she ever take her beady eyes off Reina. “Yamada-san.” Reina never thought her name could sound as imposing as when Junko said it through clenched teeth.

  “Takeuchi-san.” Reina knew that game.

  Thus were their plays: Junko refused the informality of calling her daughter’s lover by her first name, and Reina refused to affectionately call her girlfriend’s mother, well, “Mother.” Reina stole a glance to see Aiko oblivious to the mutiny occurring a few meters away.

  “I’m surprised you came,” Junko cracked between them. “I knew my daughter was eventually invited but…I didn’t know about any stragglers.”

  Reina refused to move before Junko’s judging eyes. “She had a ‘plus one.’ We assumed it referred to me.”

  “Yes. Assumed.” Junko peered at Aiko enjoying herself, the children swarming around her as if she had pockets full of candy. Her delight lit the entire space around her – dense Reina could see that. “One must always be cautious with assumptions, nee, Yamada-san?”

  Was it getting hotter? “That’s what we’re taught.”

  “Like how I assumed how different my daughter’s life would be twenty years ago.” Junko pulled out a compact mirror and fussed with her brows, as if the oncoming hate-storm was nothing more than an annoying sprinkle in her life. “She was such a cute girl, my little Ai-chan. Friendly to everyone and so idealistic. She had quite some nice boyfriends too – went through them like chocolate, but there was always one waiting in the wings for her.” Junko put down the compact and glared at Reina across the table. “Apparently she went through them a little too fast.”

  Reina said nothing.

  “So how was I to know things would…change…when she brought the likes of you home to visit one day,” Junko continued, her nose upturned so Reina had a grand view of every wrinkle slashing the leathery face. “She called you a new friend. More like a leech.”

  Funny, since I’m the one financially supporting dear Ai-chan. Reina looked for her girlfriend again, only to see her further away talking to some family members. “Aiko is a good friend,” Reina muttered.

  Another glare. “Too good of one, apparently! I blinded myself to the silliness between you two even after she let you move in with her into her aunt’s old house…it wasn’t until…” Junko scrunched her nose. “Not until I saw you two I knew what kind of sick child you were.”

  Reina remembered. It happened a few weeks after she and Aiko moved into their house, before they knew how easily people could see through their living room window from the stre
et. They shared an ill-timed kiss when Junko arrived, horrified to the point that she dropped her housewarming fruit. No amount of pleading from Ai-chan and declarations of love was enough to turn Junko over to acceptance. Reina was just happy she never disowned her daughter.

  “She’s happy, you know.” Reina gestured to Aiko, convinced she really was happy playing housewife.

  “Happy? How can she be happy? Don’t you see where we are?” Junko opened her arms to regard the grand wedding reception around them. “This is what brings a sweet and naïve child like Aiko happiness! She was supposed to marry one of those boys, you know. Doctors, professors, entrepreneurs…one of them is even a president at a company now. What are you? You’re no better than the dirt beneath your chief’s shoes.”

  How Reina managed to keep cool under these slights, she had no idea. For Ai-chan.

  Junko whipped around and pointed to Aiko, who now picked up a baby from somebody and cooed at it while laughing with the mother and father. Reina thought her stomach would make a hasty exit out her throat over the way Aiko glowed. “See that? Aiko is a natural mother. What is she now, though? She’ll be forty soon. Her time is running out. Where are my grandchildren from her?” She turned again and gave Reina a final sneer. “You’ve ruined her life. You’ve taken my sweet little daughter and crushed her youth away. What are you? Do you even know what you are? I can’t tell what you are. Are you a woman? If you were a real man, you would have found some way to impregnate my daughter. But you don’t look like a woman, and you don’t function like a man.” Junko rose from the table, her nostrils flaring dragon smoke. “If you have any respect for my family you’ll slither off to some cave and die. Free my daughter from your disgusting clutches while she still has a chance to lead a normal life.”